We all most know how it feels. Being thought of as useless, incompetent, stupid, moronic, and so on. It really takes a mental strain on you. I speak of this topic due to how I obviously feel this way constantly, due to my sheltered and troubled upbringing. I was usually decried and denied, always looked down upon for not being my older brother, thought of as weird and creepy for my lack of social expertise and emotionless demeanor. My grades were pitiable, and I never truly developed a sense of self, creating a warped view of the world through my head, born from my traumatic childhood experiences. I've been through so much stress and self-doubt, I can't truly attain enlightenment and inner peace. Speaking with you gents allows me to subdue those pitiable feelings of disgust, for now. On another note, serving Sir David is also a blessing, as it amps up my self-worth and gives purpose to my otherwise drab, boring lifestyle.
 
Did you ever feel as awful as I? If so, were you able to improve? Thanks for enlightening my dampening spirits.

Yeah.....I would say because I am born autism and also Asperger as well. School wasn't the brightest past for me. Because you always had the popular people beating you down on your looks for no reason. And also making fun of you because of how your personality is. And because of that I had a hard time making friends. It was very hard for me to trust a person. When I wanted too I always got looked down upon. I really wanted to take jokes I did but I can't they even made jokes about me not....nice ones. Which is why I find it really hard to know a real joke or ones that is not so serious. In years I got this...fears built into me making me who I am today despite that I still help people regardless. As years go on you either want to improve to prove those people wrong or stay the same as you are from then. I chose to improve to show them I wasn't as stupid as they thought I was.

Its amazing when you think about the past till now to see the difference what has changed within you. I'm a lot more open to most of my friends or some of them. Which I would had never done.


If there is any more questions you want to ask more on this feel free to pm me Ultrajeff.

Yes actually.

It all pretty much started out after I had gotten out of school. I had to work with this roofing crew. And after being raised in a sheltered environment away from all the crap in the world, I found out just how bad it was.

Apparently, not only are most people in the line of construction as foul mouthed as ever- they can never stop talking about women. . . and their features. Or complaining about them. 80s music is all they care for, which I dare say seems to be the source of their tainted ideology, but worst of all. . .

On top of all this, I sucked.

My dad is hard as a boss, and the other employees mostly make fun of me. Every day on the workforce absolutely sucks. If you're not hearing about the intricate details of last night's girlfriend, you're hearing a curse word, or getting razzed over some stupid mistake. 1/3 of the time or which actually wasn't your fault because the boss or someone didn't explain something you didn't know or. . .

It's just all stupid. I'm the worst guy there, the other two employees are in their thirties, and the larger the crew the worse it is. I'm almost always teased till one day, I legitimately did scare one of the guys. (The most annoying one) Because he thought I was going to throw him off the roof.

He farted in my face, and I gave him a warning.

After he did it a second time, he never did it again. I also have a lot more respect from him. When I get mad with my sunglasses on, he's really afraid of me. It's not often, and I save my "crazy" act for only a few points. But arg.

Yeah, it's a nightmare and I want nothing to do with it. Sell my book already. XD

I relate with Enii. I grew up what others might call "anti-social". I too, have Asperger's Syndrome. I'd often sit to myself thinking up things. I'd get in trouble with the teachers for being me. I was bullied for my perspectives on life and for being "so easy to pick on". One time I was ganged up on in Kindergarten and I waved my arms all around to try to get people to get away. Some seemed to take pleasure in that. For a while, I was the only Caucasian person on my swim team. It seemed to me I was NEVER bullied for that by my swimming buddies. But nevertheless, I was picked on for being different.

Why would I not be picked on for my race yet be picked on for having Asperger's Syndrome? I don't know. I'm grateful to have seen so few real-life examples of racism first-hand in my time. And yet, I'm still bullied. My brother picks on me every day, even though I'm much older than he is. He's learned that although I may not always do what he asks, I almost never fight back or even tell on him when he starts to complain. Perhaps he thinks of me as an easy target. Perhaps he's simply frustrated and has trouble expressing his feelings in a kind way. Perhaps it's a combination of the two. I don't know. What I do know is that I AM an easy target.

Sometimes I say offensive things directly, hoping they'll accomplish good. Sometimes they could have or do. For example, the last Murder Mystery game. I said something the murderer took "offense" to (along with some others, possibly without the quotes), but it turned out I positively identified the murderer. Many people seemed to walk away with a bad taste in their mouths at the end of the game. I walked away with one, not so much because of who the murderer was but because of the questions she asked. I frankly didn't like where some of the questions led. For example, to analyze a response, I had to go where I did if I wanted my team to win (and perhaps because I didn't pursue it as much as I should have, they lost). But frankly, that made the game and what I did not fun. I didn't enjoy what I did. I did it for my team...at first, but I backed off. Murder Mystery should always be fun. The questions asked shouldn't lead to gossip or heavy-handed topics, but light-hearted discussion, or at the very least, insightful discussion that leads to happy times. At the time, I frankly didn't want to know that the murderer envied so-and-so. I was wrong for that. After all, that had already happened. I resented her for lying to me and others so blatantly. I was especially wrong for that. If I had acted more quickly and efficiently, then people would have a better opinion of her than they do now. Now people have a lesser opinion of her due to that bad taste in their mouths that escalated again and again over the game after the points I raised. I feel I failed to do what was right for the very reason that I backed off. I had two good choices: Drop out of the game, or see that through to its conclusion. I failed at both because I was not prepared.

Also, I said something to you in an earlier thread that I feel may have offended you. If it did, I'm sorry, and I hope you'll forgive me.

Sometimes this trait of mine is a strength. At other times, it can be a weakness. Being direct is sometimes the best way to get others to change for the better. At other times, it may offend them and lead to them turning away from that, even though it may not be my fault. I have a very hard time being kind sometimes. Of course I won't compromise what I believe in...but sometimes what I believe in needs to change, even if my most fundamental beliefs should always remain the same. I definitely need to learn how to say things kinder, and when not to say things at all. This is SO hard for me to do because of the way my mind is set up. Change, to me, is VERY difficult, especially since I am so weak on my own. Prayer is much easier, though, and that helps a lot.

My biggest fear has at times been that I will become a bully myself. Because I've been bullied so much, it's has at times been so easy to become one (and, at times, I have been). I know how to exploit things, I know how to push buttons, I know how to be angry, and how to channel that anger to do bad. That is why I must be super careful not to let my anger take control of me. I feel I need to be angry less, and less often, and when I am angry, I need to use that anger the right way.

Being disabled is tough. Sometimes we can go off the deep end on a moment's notice. It takes a lot of work to stay happy. But perhaps because of our disabilities we can more fully see the love people/God show/s to us. We've seen the bad. It comes to us on a daily basis. Perhaps it's even in us due to poor choices of our own. But by pushing against the bad, we come to most fully see the full picture and the good. The bad can put scales over our eyes so that we can't fully understand.

Being happy takes work. When we can't live to what other people want, we need a basis to make us happy. That takes work. It's rough...but it's worth it.

You're so discerning, ma'am. I also have it hard making friends. I'll contact you whenever I'm feeling down. Thank you for your sincere generosity.

You're quite knowledgeable. That suits me just fine. You don't have to apologize for what you said. I know you don't particularly like Hunter X Hunter but I won't kill you over it. I'm happy you were confident in sharing your opinion. Thanks for the post. I'll try to make myself and others happier too. 

Yes.

In elementary school I was that awkward kid with no friends that barely spoke. All of my classmates throughout the years ranged from okay to "oh god it's that guy." It doesn't help that I basically was terrible at everything. I had alarmingly low grades sometimes, and I would always start to get very tired whenever we started to do things in P.E., so I was always the old behind everyone, the one person that was holding everyone back.

The only real place where I felt comfortable at school was the Library, so I started to go there every recess and after I ate lunch. There were some good books in there, but there were some "meh" kids in there, along with someone I hated.

This person, I hated so much. I'm just going to call him "N." N, I thought, was my friend. We talked sometimes, and played sometimes outside. However, N always seemed to physically damage me on purpose. I kept telling him to stop(which he responded with "okay,") but it kept happening. Eventually, I just stopped talking to him and just pretended like he didn't exist. I was tired of it. I don't know where he is now or if he feels sorry for what he's done, but I'm still not sure if I should forgive him.

It really didn't help that there were bullies in the same grade as I. I hated them too, and wished they would just die. They kept picking on me and mocking me for my interests. I kept telling the teachers and counselors, but they responded with something along the lines of "Ignore it." That's not going to work, these guys are just bad. Really bad.

And you know what? All of that built up to sometime in 6th grade, near the end of the school year. I was in line to get lunch, and they were constantly doing all these tricks to bug me. I got sick of it, so I punched him. Looking back, that probably wasn't the smartest idea, but I just wanted it to stop. A fist fight broke out, and it kept going until our PE teacher came in and stopped. We were pulled out of the lunch line, and then they asked each of us what had happened, separately. I just wanted to eat food, and this is what I got.

When the school year ended, I was so glad to be out of that place. I will never forget the terrible things that happened to me there, but no other school could be worse than that one.

7th grade was like a breath of fresh air. While there were some students from my elementary school in the same class as I was, there weren't any of the terrible ones. However, I wasn't completely out of the woods yet. I didn't actually make any friends that school year, I think. It didn't help that there was a new "that guy" which I totally hated. I think he had some sort of special condition, but I forgot what one it was. Anyway, he annoyed me, but in the end nothing rash happened.

8th grade was probably one of my favorite years so far, because I "made it out of the woods". In that year, I actually made real friends that I could talk to and spend some time with. However, since I didn't have any friends before, there were some "common sense" things that I should have known, but didn't. In the end though, we all shared a good laugh about it.

And now, I'm in high school. Everything was good, I saw some of my old friends, made some new ones, and learned a whole bunch of new things.

I have no idea what was wrong with those kids in elementary school. I don't want to seem them again though, even if they have claimed to have "cleaned up their act."

I'm not a particularly bright person, I haven't any skills and I'm pretty inexperienced, even for my lack of age. I often times feel like I should be contributing something to the household, even though I can't seem to find employment. I do feel like a leech sometimes. Even so, I'm never discouraged because I believe in purpose. If I'm still alive, then I have yet to serve my function. I try my absolute best to help people around me if I can. I don't believe I was ever meant to be popular or an academic or an athlete, and I'm fine with that because I know that, some time in the future, I will inevitably fulfill my duty. Alternatively, if someone believes that their existence has no meaning, does that not open up an entire world of things you can do if you so choose? Having no reason to live opens you up to a whole new level of freedom you've never even thought about.

In all honesty, I was.  I was just some fat kid who couldn't make friends for four years in middle school.  I ate my lunches alone, sat at a desk in the farthest back corner in the classroom, and I avoided any and all contact of every kind.  What's worse is the fact that everyone at the school was a bully to me.  I'd try to eat in privacy, but all I'd get was a hand shoving my face into my lunch.  I'd get daily head dunking into the toilets, and even an occasional atomic wedgie.  But nothing compared to the more violent physical, and verbal, abuse.  Always being called a fat loser, getting punched in the face and gut... I even got my head smashed into a brick wall.  Every time I'd try to fit in, everyone would laugh and call me names.  I didn't fit in at that prison.  I'm glad it's behind me.

I always was the biggest loser, just on school. That always had to do with my ADHD, and no one could accept me as i was, because "i was handicapped" (of which i'm, as far as i know, not at all).

Yes, i said "could" and not "would" because THEY were handicapped if they said something like that. My apologize, but i hate those people so much.

I can't even have my website that's why I'm looked down as a loser by quite a lot of people irl also I hardly speak and have a horrible stammer most of the time.

Yeah, among my friends the shortest guy only around 1m70cm.