Okay, so...We had to create a suspenseful short story in our english class. So, I decided to do one about a detective's wife getting murdered. Now, I'm not sure if there's already a story like this out somewhere, so if it seems very familiar to a different story I'm very sorry. I've never seen a story exactly like the one I made. Also, I made this in 1 day, and haven't done any editing yet, so it might be uber crappy. Please read through it and give me some edits and tips! Here goes...

   It’s been 10 years since it happened. 10 years since that horrible, horrible day. I’ve tried to move on. I’ve tried to forget about it, but nothing works. I remember the desolate feelings of despair the day it happened, and the mourning that still occurs in me today. My co workers in the force have given up searching, but I haven’t. My name is Detective Miles Arme, and I will find the one who murdered my beloved Julie.
   It’s a rainy, dreary afternoon in Los Angeles. I finally have a lead. Thomas Kriller, a good friend of mine for a long time, who is also in the force, found that the murder weapon, a homemade knife, had a carving on it, “J.C.W.” This gave me more hope. Could this be the evidence to help me find Julie’s killer? After analyzing this with citizens’ names and business’ names, I came upon the abandoned Jordan Cargo Warehouse.
   “Great.” I mutter, walking in the rain to the warehouse entrance. “I doubt I’ll even get anything from here…” Finally, I get up to the main door. I knock. “Detective Miles Arme, LAPD. Open up!”...No answer. I knock again. Again, nobody answers. I hear some clatter in there, though. I decide to just let myself in. I try the knob. Locked, of course. Hmm...What now? Then I get an idea. I throw myself against the door. It gives away about an inch. I lunge at it with all my weight. Finally, the door breaks open. 
   Suddenly, a shot is fired! It whizzes towards me, and I hear a clink. I’m not hurt, so it must not have hit me. Since I don’t have any time to worry about it, I take out my pistol and fire two warning shots at the ceiling. “Put your weapon on the ground and come out with your hands behind your head!!!” More shots. This obviously won’t work.
   I radio in, “I need backup at the Jeremy Carrey Warehouse pronto, we have shots fired!” Then, I sprint into the warehouse and take cover behind a crate of scrap metal. I peek above the crate to get a look at my shooter, just to have more bullets ping off of the scrap metal.
I quickly duck back down and exhale deeply. “This guy is a good shot…” I think to myself. “I wonder if he’s had training?” I wonder.  After thinking for a bit on what to do, I run out of my cover and see a figure heading for the back of the warehouse. “STOP!” I yell. I hear another shot.
   This time the bullet hits me in my right hand. I allow a cry of pain to escape me, but then I tough it out. Luckily, I’m left handed. I shoot at him with my remaining hand on the gun, not knowing if I’m hitting him or not. A piercing yell gives me my answer. I now know my suspect is a male.
   I run to the back of the warehouse where I shot. My suspect isn’t here anymore, but he did leave a bloodstain behind. Before I move on, I let a thought come to mind. “Shouldn’t have backup arrived by now?” I take out my radio. “Ah, crap…” I say, as I realize that the first bullet, which didn’t hit me, in fact hit the radio. I suppose I’m all by myself in this.
   I follow the drips of blood to an office-like room.
In the room, I see very disturbing images. There are pictures of my wife everywhere. There are random scribblings on the wall, saying “JULIE” It’s so...unsettling. Before I can gather all my thoughts, I feel a sharp pain in the back of my head. Everything starts to fade away, as I fall to the ground. I get one last word out before I fade into blackness. “Julie…”
   I wake up, panting. “Where am I now?” I wonder aloud. I try to move my hands, but I find that I’m tied up, in a chair. Somehow, my captor isn’t very good at tying tight knots. I yank my hands as hard as I can, and soon the ropes are very loose. Suddenly, there’s a click at the door. I see the turning of the knob.
   I let out a sharp gasp. My captor has entered the room. He is wearing a ski-mask. Isn’t that stereotypical, I think to myself. I stop struggling. He has a knife, and I don’t want him to know I’m nearly free. He could kill me right now. It’s then that I realize that I could die here. I could die…….but no, I can’t. I have to live. I have to live for Julie.
   “Hello, Miles…” How does he know my name? He starts to get closer. “I’ve been wanting to have you in my control for a long time. I can finally get my revenge.” He sounds so cold, and evil. “I’m going to kill you, Miles, just like I did to your stupid wife.” “Don’t talk about my wife like that!” I yell at the top of my lungs. He, in response, punches me in the face.
   “Don’t talk to ME like that!” He yells in return. “You know what? I’m going to test you.” He pulls out a seemingly modified grenade. “You have 1 minute to escape from this room. If you succeed, you get to keep your life!...Maybe. Good luck!” He calmly walks out of the room, and before shutting the door, he pulls the safety ring off the grenade and tosses it into the room.
   I know I have to act fast. It is lucky that I had already loosened the ropes. I remove them with ease, then get working on my feet. I’m counting down the seconds. There are about 20 seconds left by the time I get my feet undone. I sprint to the door, and jiggle the knob. That little jerk, it was locked! “Dangit, that scum!!! What do I do now!? Think, Miles, think...” Using all the force and gathering all the adrenaline I have, I kick the door as hard as I could. It springs open.
   I quickly run out, just 3 seconds before the explosion goes off. The noise nearly blows my eardrums out. The force of the explosion knocks me down. The back of my hair is singed, I’m cut up, and I barely make it out with my life, but I’m alive.  Panting, I gather myself. “So, where is this guy?” I think aloud. “Right behind you!” a voice says.
   Using my quick reflexes, I spin around, and grab his wrists. He retaliates by kicking me in the stomach, hard. “Oof!” I cry, as I crash to the ground, the wind knocked out of me. “Finally...I can kill you, Miles Arme!” I’m frozen in fear, when suddenly I get motivation. I don’t know where from, but I’m glad I get it. I don’t want to die.
   I kick him in the shin, and he goes sprawling onto the ground. I spring up and pin him on the ground, taking the knife out of his hand. “NOOO!!!!” He screams, as I take off his mask. To this day, I can’t  believe who it was.
“Tom!?!?!?” I questioningly yell. “I-It was you...this whole time!? But...how?” An evil laugh escapes his throat. “I’ve always been jealous of you and Julie. How you guys had the perfect life. My life was AWFUL!!” He maniacally screams. “I just had to...I had to kill...” He is laughing in despair this whole time.
   I can’t believe that Tom, my great friend, murdered my wife. There’s no way it’s true. But, alas, it is. Suddenly, my anger overtakes me. I take out my gun from my holster. I can’t control myself. I aim at Tom’s head. He closes his eyes, since he knows what’s going to happen. “Do it,” he says. I pull the trigger.
   Finally, the cops come, after the explosion being reported. I tell them my story. I lie a little bit, saying that I had to murder him. It was out of self-defense, I say. I’m rewarded greatly by the chief for finding the murderer of Julie, and sniffing out a criminal within the force. As the years went by, I’ve moved on. I found a new woman, of whom I’m going to ask to marry me soon. I’m finally…..happy.

How exciting to see a piece of creative writing from Popeye!   The story plot is a pretty common one, but that doesn't mean you can't take it and make it your own!  Here are my thoughts as I read (I'm not writing paragraphs.. just listing my separate thoughts as I work through your piece):

The first paragraph does a really nice job of clenching the reader's attention, but it's also written in a past tense.  Then, the next paragraph jumps right into present tense, and the flow of the reading isn't very smooth.  I'd recommend somehow changing the language or tone of that very first paragraph so that everything is fluid and the transition is stronger.

The third sentence in the second paragraph ("Thomas Kriller....") is way too wordy and comma friendly. I'd eliminate some commas and maybe a few words..... and/or separate that into two different sentences.

Why would someone knock on the door of an abandoned warehouse?  If I were you, I might use some other word to describe the warehouse.  Dilapidated, maybe?  That's a good SAT word. haha.

The phrase should be 'gives way', not 'give away'.  Also, earlier in the paragraph, you ended a sentence with 'again', then started the next sentence with 'again' = ewwwww.

"“This guy is a good shot…” I think to myself. “I wonder if he’s had training?” I wonder.  After thinking for a bit on what to do,".... There's an awful lot of thinking and wondering going on here.    If anything, I'd at least get rid of one of the "I wonder"s.

"I let a thought come to mind".... I don't know that we LET thoughts come to our mind. They just do.    Thus, I might reword this to "A thought comes to my mind"

Ah man.. the radio got shot?!?!  That's unique... I like that, Popeye.  

You write like I used to write:  You're too comma happy.  haha. As I've practiced my writing, I've learned to go back and reread, because most of my commas are unnecessary. I know how that desire to place them feels, though.  A few unnecessary commas are "away, as", "I wake up, panting", and "tied up, in".

" I did to your stupid wife" seems a little strange to me.  I mean, the killer might not be great at grammar, so it's probably passable. However... and I don't know how to describe this... well, let me write two sentences to show you why it sounds weird to me:
"Killing is what the lack of water did to the plants"  vs. "The lack of water killed the plants."
Although I'm usually not a fan of repetitiveness, I'd probably reword that sentence to: "I’m going to kill you Miles, just like I killed your stupid wife."

"hard as I could"  Whoops... that's not the right tense!  It should be "as hard as I can".  I was surprised the detective thought it would be unlocked... lol. And I think I was even more surprised that a small kick got it open.  

"make it out with my life, but I’m alive" seems too repetitive. How about "I barely make it out, but I'm alive"?

Wait... isn't Detective Mile's back to the now exploded room?  Three seconds isn't much time to move away. How did this guy get behind Miles without being noticed?  Where exactly is he standing?  That's an awfully tight space!  Also, it seems to me like a kick to the shin would cause someone to fall forward, not back?  (I'm totally not sure about this, however!)

"To this day, I can’t  believe who it was."  Well gosh darn it... you were talking in present tense the whole time, but now the detective is in the future reflecting back? That's like me saying "To this day, I can't believe I'm typing this right now."  Instead, you might want to say "I can't believe who it is" or something equivalent with more impact than my suggestion.  

Does self-defense get described as "murder"?  I'm not sure, but it sounds weird to say "I had to murder him in self-defense".  My feelings on that might be due to the pre-meditated connotation of the word, however.  I don't know enough about legal terms to know if it's really a faux pax. 

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Sorry about all the feedback!  (Can you believe I held back on a lot? XD)  I just enjoy writing and syntax and all that..... but it's not meant to be negative in any way!  The plot of the story is actually quite good, and I really appreciated the fast pace of what you wrote.  Personally, I do better at writing flash stories than longer ones, so I enjoy what you are trying to do with this story.    Great job, and continue to practice writing!

Singelli : Thanks for all the great feedback! . To be honest, I would've been even more happy if you wouldn't have held back XD. This will help me a lot with editing. Let me respond to some of your feedback.

When you say that the first paragraph is written in past tense, I'm pretty sure only sentences 3-5 are written in past tense. You were a teacher, so you may know more about this, but those are the only past-tense sentences I see in paragraph 1. You're definitely right about the 3rd sentence in the 2nd paragraph, though. That bothered me a little bit. I've been noticing lately that I've been using commas a little bit too much.

After rereading, I just realized that I put "Jordan Cargo Warehouse" in the first mentioning of it, then "Jeremy Carrey Warehouse" in the second mentioning. I'm susprised you didn't notice that! At first I was going to use "jeremy carrey warehouse", but I decided to change it. I suppose I forgot to do that with the second time it is mentioned. Also, I'll try to tone down on the "thinking" . 

Okay, here's an explanation for the whole explosion thing. I originally made it 5 seconds, but for some reason that seemed like too much time. I'll add the 2 extra seconds if it makes it better . And it wasn't a tiny little kick. It's a trained detective, using all of his strength (plus adrenaline), to kick open a door to save his life. And, it wasn't a small space. It was a warehouse. Tom could have easily sneaked up behind Miles while he was panting and gathering himself. But you're correct about the "murdered him in self defense" thing. I'll change that right away.

Okay, in my conclusion,  I have 2 important questions
1. Was it suspenseful enough? The main topic (is that the right word?) of the essay was supposed to be suspense.
2. Is this high-school appropriate? I mean, is it too gory, bloody, or inappropriate?


Again, thanks for the great feedback, Singelli

Popeye116 :  awww. heheh... no problem!

As for the first paragraph... it's not so much that the WORDS themselves are in past tense.. it's... the tone. I'm afraid I don't know how to explain it any better.    Maybe just leave it alone because I'm weird. XD

I'm actually surprised I didn't notice the name change myself. XD XD XD That's hilarious! I'm glad you caught it though.

I think you should definitely add the two seconds (or more?).  However, when I was referring to "small space", I wasn't referring to the open air around them within the warehouse.  What I meant was... well, I invite you to go stand at a door.  Then dash away for five seconds.  Did you make it very far?  The distance Armes would have gained would not have been very large.  Thus, you'd think he'd notice any movement immediately around him... especially since Tom would have to be close (again... small distance between him and the exploded door).  The only way this WOULD make sense, is if perhaps Tom jumped out from behind a bunch of clutter.  If that's the case, I think it needs to be mentioned that Armes is surrounded by boxes / machines / whatever when he jumps out.  This way, the reader can more easily envision Tom being able to sneak behind the detective like that.

As for your questions:
1. Yes!  It's most certainly on topic!
and 
2.  Of course! It wasn't gory or bloody or inappropriate at all.  I mean, you don't describe the shot to the head or anything, so I think it's perfect.    (And following a blood trail is nothing. pfffft.. have you seen the movies teenagers watch nowadays?    That's a rhetorical question, by the way.)

Local Moderators : You can close this. I'm going to be posting my final (er...second?) draft of the story in a couple days.

Closed at the request of the owner.