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04-29-26 07:32 AM

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The call
this is a story I wrote. enjoy!
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SacredShadow
06-19-13 01:45 PM
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The call

 

06-19-13 01:45 PM
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Okay, I have been wanting to make a story on the board for a while now, so this is a short story I wrote in 6th grade:


The Call

He had been up in the tree stand for hours already, though it felt like ages, a boy of twelve, dressed in camouflage coveralls, Alex sat next to his father in the tree stand. It was such a hot day and Alex was sore from crouching and keeping still for what felt like an eternity of just waiting quietly, but the long hours had given him time to think. This would be his first hunt ever, and all he wanted was to make his father proud. For as long as he could remember, he had been waiting to be old enough to tag along on his father's solitary excursions. Finally this was his chance, and Alex knew he would have only one chance to prove himself to his father.



Carefully he listened for any sound and kept his eyes open for any movement below. He'd been told to stay sharp. If only waiting wasn't so long, he thought. Suddenly he heard a soft rustle down below, and without warning, there it was. About two dozen feet below stood an amazing buck sniffing the air. The animal was utterly captivating and majestic with its impressive head of antlers. After about a half minute of cocking his head to listen intently, it began to eat the brush that it came for, feeling satisfied that it was safe. This is it Alex thought. The butterflies in his stomach felt more like boulders knocking around. A simple nod from his father told him the shot was his alone to make. The boy's palms felt sweaty and his hands shook slightly as he looked through his rifle's scope. All he had to do now was squeeze the trigger gently. Easy now, he told himself, just do it! Only he couldn't.



At that very moment he realized just how wrong it all felt. The pounding in his chest, the boulders in his stomach, the urgent voice in his head, all telling him 'Don't'. How could he kill this animal? It was a living thing, same as he. Could he take an innocent life and live with himself? All he had ever wanted was to impress his father and make him proud. As Alex struggled with these conflicts internally, he could feel his father's penetrating gaze upon him. I may not get another chance, he told himself. After another attempt at willing himself to squeeze the trigger, he lowered his rifle and hung his head in shame. He just couldn't go through with it.



The silence the followed felt heavy, Here it comes, Alex thought. The disappointment, the scorn. A few seconds passed in the silence and he still couldn't bring himself up to look up. "Why didn't you take the shot?" his father quietly asked. Alex pondered his reply. How could he explain it? "I just couldn't do it, Dad. It felt wrong. I guess I am not ready to be a man. Sorry," he whispered the last word. Turning his head away, the tears came quickly, burning his eyes. Another silent pause. Then, "You have it wrong, son," his father said softly. "Making the kill just to impress me does not make you a man. It's listening to your gut instincts and standing by your principles, even if you thought it would disappoint me. I'm proud of you son" he finished quietly. Alex whipped his head around in disbelief. Staring into the eyes of his father, he let the tears fall. "But I thought I failed," he admitted. Never taking his eyes off his son's face, his father answered, "No, it's not failure. You stood by what you believed in, son, Every man must decide for himself what his path is and where he stands in it. Every man on his own must make the call."


So what did you think? Leave your comments below: 



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Vizzed is awesome!
Okay, I have been wanting to make a story on the board for a while now, so this is a short story I wrote in 6th grade:


The Call

He had been up in the tree stand for hours already, though it felt like ages, a boy of twelve, dressed in camouflage coveralls, Alex sat next to his father in the tree stand. It was such a hot day and Alex was sore from crouching and keeping still for what felt like an eternity of just waiting quietly, but the long hours had given him time to think. This would be his first hunt ever, and all he wanted was to make his father proud. For as long as he could remember, he had been waiting to be old enough to tag along on his father's solitary excursions. Finally this was his chance, and Alex knew he would have only one chance to prove himself to his father.



Carefully he listened for any sound and kept his eyes open for any movement below. He'd been told to stay sharp. If only waiting wasn't so long, he thought. Suddenly he heard a soft rustle down below, and without warning, there it was. About two dozen feet below stood an amazing buck sniffing the air. The animal was utterly captivating and majestic with its impressive head of antlers. After about a half minute of cocking his head to listen intently, it began to eat the brush that it came for, feeling satisfied that it was safe. This is it Alex thought. The butterflies in his stomach felt more like boulders knocking around. A simple nod from his father told him the shot was his alone to make. The boy's palms felt sweaty and his hands shook slightly as he looked through his rifle's scope. All he had to do now was squeeze the trigger gently. Easy now, he told himself, just do it! Only he couldn't.



At that very moment he realized just how wrong it all felt. The pounding in his chest, the boulders in his stomach, the urgent voice in his head, all telling him 'Don't'. How could he kill this animal? It was a living thing, same as he. Could he take an innocent life and live with himself? All he had ever wanted was to impress his father and make him proud. As Alex struggled with these conflicts internally, he could feel his father's penetrating gaze upon him. I may not get another chance, he told himself. After another attempt at willing himself to squeeze the trigger, he lowered his rifle and hung his head in shame. He just couldn't go through with it.



The silence the followed felt heavy, Here it comes, Alex thought. The disappointment, the scorn. A few seconds passed in the silence and he still couldn't bring himself up to look up. "Why didn't you take the shot?" his father quietly asked. Alex pondered his reply. How could he explain it? "I just couldn't do it, Dad. It felt wrong. I guess I am not ready to be a man. Sorry," he whispered the last word. Turning his head away, the tears came quickly, burning his eyes. Another silent pause. Then, "You have it wrong, son," his father said softly. "Making the kill just to impress me does not make you a man. It's listening to your gut instincts and standing by your principles, even if you thought it would disappoint me. I'm proud of you son" he finished quietly. Alex whipped his head around in disbelief. Staring into the eyes of his father, he let the tears fall. "But I thought I failed," he admitted. Never taking his eyes off his son's face, his father answered, "No, it's not failure. You stood by what you believed in, son, Every man must decide for himself what his path is and where he stands in it. Every man on his own must make the call."


So what did you think? Leave your comments below: 



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linkmaster99 :  
TreasurePlanet23 :  
GuardianZack :  
marcus047 :  
mohammedroxx3 :  
DittoDude44 :  
Dean2k13: 
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(edited by Razor-987 on 06-19-13 01:50 PM)    

06-19-13 01:50 PM
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Razor-987 : Yay! I was in the special summons list!

I got to admit! This was a pretty good story! This actually sort of hit my heart when I read the last paragraph. Awesome job and keep up the great work my friend!

Your summon for Dean2k13 failed so I'll summon him for you:

Dean2k13 :

Anyways keep up the great work my friend!
Razor-987 : Yay! I was in the special summons list!

I got to admit! This was a pretty good story! This actually sort of hit my heart when I read the last paragraph. Awesome job and keep up the great work my friend!

Your summon for Dean2k13 failed so I'll summon him for you:

Dean2k13 :

Anyways keep up the great work my friend!

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06-19-13 02:01 PM
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Great story dude. I love it. You had great talent in writing when you were in 6th grade .
Great story dude. I love it. You had great talent in writing when you were in 6th grade .

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06-19-13 04:04 PM
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Razor-987 : Being who I am, I don't see any form of life as being any more important than the other. I've always treated my fellow man with just as much respect as I would anything else; just because they are human, does not mean that I am obligated to put them first and foremost. It is one thing to hunt and eat for survival, but it is totally different when you are doing it just for the sheer pleasure or because you like to eat living things. I consider people who take life without valid reasoning to be murderers, no matter how big or small that life may be. Some may call me extreme, but I don't see a difference in hunting a deer or a human being; what makes us so special? Therefore, I have a fond respect for everything, human or cricket, it is all the same to me.


When I first started reading, I thought for sure this was going to be a story about hunting, and how it felt to make your first kill. But as I read, and realized that it was actually a recollection of an important life lesson, I was immediately drawn in. The visual detail was great, and it only helped to add interest where I already had a personal connection with the story. I don't know if you realize it or not, but I think that you taught your dad something that day, too.

Now, for the unbiased part of my opinion. You missed adding quotations to a few areas of dialogue, and those areas should always be separate from the main paragraph. Unless they are unspoken personal thoughts, dialogue almost always has its own line separate from the rest of the structure. That's really my only complaint; thanks for sharing this with us.

Razor-987 : Being who I am, I don't see any form of life as being any more important than the other. I've always treated my fellow man with just as much respect as I would anything else; just because they are human, does not mean that I am obligated to put them first and foremost. It is one thing to hunt and eat for survival, but it is totally different when you are doing it just for the sheer pleasure or because you like to eat living things. I consider people who take life without valid reasoning to be murderers, no matter how big or small that life may be. Some may call me extreme, but I don't see a difference in hunting a deer or a human being; what makes us so special? Therefore, I have a fond respect for everything, human or cricket, it is all the same to me.


When I first started reading, I thought for sure this was going to be a story about hunting, and how it felt to make your first kill. But as I read, and realized that it was actually a recollection of an important life lesson, I was immediately drawn in. The visual detail was great, and it only helped to add interest where I already had a personal connection with the story. I don't know if you realize it or not, but I think that you taught your dad something that day, too.

Now, for the unbiased part of my opinion. You missed adding quotations to a few areas of dialogue, and those areas should always be separate from the main paragraph. Unless they are unspoken personal thoughts, dialogue almost always has its own line separate from the rest of the structure. That's really my only complaint; thanks for sharing this with us.

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06-19-13 04:10 PM
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For a writing done in the 6th grade, excellent job far better than anything I could produce.Sentence structure is good fair quality and the story flows nicely in a orderly fashion with very good descriptive details.
For a writing done in the 6th grade, excellent job far better than anything I could produce.Sentence structure is good fair quality and the story flows nicely in a orderly fashion with very good descriptive details.

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(edited by marcus047 on 06-19-13 04:11 PM)    

06-19-13 04:25 PM
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Thank you guys for all of the amazing comments on my story, I tried to make this story as good as possible and I recently made this story at a higher level but for the most part it is pretty much the same as it was when I first wrote it in sixth grade. I an glad you all like it and I hope I can make other good stories in this forum in the future.



GuardianZack : Exactly, humans are no more valuable or special than any other living thing out there and they deserve just as much respect and everything should be treated equally. I agree with you 100% And yes those quotations were personal thoughts and this was a story I wrote, this isn't an experience I had, I made this up. But I am glad that you like it. I appreciate your feedback, it means a lot coming from you.
Vizzed is awesome!
Thank you guys for all of the amazing comments on my story, I tried to make this story as good as possible and I recently made this story at a higher level but for the most part it is pretty much the same as it was when I first wrote it in sixth grade. I an glad you all like it and I hope I can make other good stories in this forum in the future.



GuardianZack : Exactly, humans are no more valuable or special than any other living thing out there and they deserve just as much respect and everything should be treated equally. I agree with you 100% And yes those quotations were personal thoughts and this was a story I wrote, this isn't an experience I had, I made this up. But I am glad that you like it. I appreciate your feedback, it means a lot coming from you.

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06-19-13 05:23 PM
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I felt alot of suspense when I read that I guess it was the pauses every now and then throughout the whole story.
Great job overall I expect the same in the future.
I felt alot of suspense when I read that I guess it was the pauses every now and then throughout the whole story.
Great job overall I expect the same in the future.


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06-19-13 07:39 PM
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Great job! You put in all of the elements a good story needs, like plenty of suspense so people would keep reading. Great job!
PS : Thanks for putting me on your Special Summons! I enjoyed reading!
Great job! You put in all of the elements a good story needs, like plenty of suspense so people would keep reading. Great job!
PS : Thanks for putting me on your Special Summons! I enjoyed reading!

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This is a pretty good story dude! Considering that you were in sixth grade, you had quite a massive vocabulary. I was on my toes the entire time and it was a good story. Keep it up dude!
NES RULES!!
This is a pretty good story dude! Considering that you were in sixth grade, you had quite a massive vocabulary. I was on my toes the entire time and it was a good story. Keep it up dude!

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06-19-13 10:52 PM
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If I may put in here, I have to say that this was one of those rare stories that when I fifnished it, I was glad that I had read it. You have great talent, and this was an excellent story. And while I value human life above all other forms (only to the point that I would kill an animal in order to save a human), I do agree that nothing should ever be killed for sport. I won't even eat a piece of meat from a store. Lol And in this story, we are taught some very important lessons on life and what it really means to be a man.
Thank you very much for sharing this. I mean that.
If I may put in here, I have to say that this was one of those rare stories that when I fifnished it, I was glad that I had read it. You have great talent, and this was an excellent story. And while I value human life above all other forms (only to the point that I would kill an animal in order to save a human), I do agree that nothing should ever be killed for sport. I won't even eat a piece of meat from a store. Lol And in this story, we are taught some very important lessons on life and what it really means to be a man.
Thank you very much for sharing this. I mean that.

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