Today I have a story about what has been going on with me the past 2 weeks and what has been bothering me my entire life. I have had a rough life it seems. My family has moved about 15 times now total in my entire life.

Some times it was because the person we were living with aka one of my moms boyfriends would go in attack mode and we would have to leave or we couldn't afford the rent payments. We have had to borrow money from family members before because the power company was being evil and telling us we owed a month of payment.. a month that we didn't even live in the current house that they were saying we owed money to, we were gone way before that month.

My mom always says she is sorry she has failed us and let us down the way she has but it's not true I tell her.. she has done everything in her power to help us and she is the best mother in the world to me. I love her dearly and I am glad she hasn't been talking negative like that in quite some time now.

My mom was still seeing one of her ex boyfriends for a while and I didn't approve not one bit. I then decided okay I will give him another chance for you mom because that is what a daughter is suppose to do. Things were okay until this Christmas he dumped my mom for another woman. Not just any other woman a 20 year old woman who was at least 15 years younger than him. On top of that she was a FRIEND of mine as well.

I deleted her off facebook and pressed ignore. Friends don't do that to other friend's even if it's their mother.

My brother got to come down this Christmas which most of you know that I never get to see him or my sister-in-law or niece because they live a couple of states away 4 hours to be exact. I had so much fun with them.. me and my brother started looking at youtube videos and he showed me the most hilarious ones we laughed for hours.

The last time he came which was a year or 2 before and he left I cried for 30 minutes and so did my mom and sisters. This time I spent time with them and told them I loved them before they left but I didn't watch them leave in their car I went straight back to bed. Before they got in the car I saw him and mom crying.

I was already tired enough and I already said my goodbyes so I didn't watch them leave because I know it would just wish so much more sadness on me and I didn't want to cry anymore than I already have. A good thing is I started playing a Online game that they play as well so I'm happy that when I do eventually get to play I will get a chance to play with them once I am a correct level in the game.

Things have been pretty good lately especially sense I got out of my past relationship with my ex. I have turned my life around and been focusing on God a lot. I pray twice a day now and I am going to try to start reading my bible again.

About 2 or 3 years ago my grandpa passed away. It was horrible because I was really close with him closer than a lot of other people in this world are with their grandparents. I wasn't grieving about it for a long time because God helped me stop and accept that he is gone and he is in heaven.

A couple of months ago my aunt died. She was only 50 years of age and she died of a stroke. It is really the only other family member who has passed sense I have been alive besides some friends. Some would be like "why are you obsessing so much over it.. I have had about 10 people die in my family and I am still going".

The truth is death scares me and I have started grieving again about the entire thing sense the past couple of days. I have prayed about it for a while and I can say that today I feel somewhat better.

I am not scared about dying myself because I know where I am going which is heaven to be with Jesus. I know that the people who have died in my life are also going to heaven and it's not what scares me.

Family is all I have had to go on for many years. Yes I have had friends but most already left me and threw me in the trash. I have made a lot of friends here with vizzed which is a awesome feeling to know that you are here for me.

Used to though I had nobody all I could rely on was Family and now that I know everyone isn't always going to be here forever it's tearing me apart. I guess I have known this forever but I haven't actually come to the reality of it for many years because I have been wanting to hide the fact of it.

My family is doing well right now we are still struggling and barley getting by but with us sticking together I know it's going to be okay. My life has been a whirlwind of mystery and sadness but it has had that spark of happiness and rainbows if you want to get all mystical on me.

Jesus and my friends and family have been keeping me on track keeping me where I need to be. I have just felt a little down the past couple of days and just needed to type out why because I have been crying and being depressed and I need to express the truth even if it's to a whole range of people who read this.

I have said a couple of negative things to some of you who read this like I don't think anybody will care if I get sick and I hate socks it's something that I only wear when I'm going out. Not because I feel like it's true but because I used to get sick ALOT before my 8th grade year.. there was never a time when I wasn't sick really.

I guess part of it was because I hated School the other part was I was actually sick but some people don't look at me like I am actually sick sometimes even when I am. I haven't been sick sense 8th grade and I got a terrible cold just a couple of weeks ago. I HATE being sick and I guess I just need to come to the fact that I need to wear those socks. I still have a terrible cough and I got sick cause of all the sineses and draining earlier but I'm okay.

This is what my plan is going to be for today and the day after that and so on. I am going to forget about what people think about me because it only matter what I think of me and what God thinks of me. I am going to stop being so negative about the way I look because I know I am beautiful. I will pray everyday twice a day increasing the amount as time goes by.

I will soon start reading my bible and focusing more on God than I ever have. It's time for me to stop worrying so much about death and so much about pain and start thinking about the good and the people who I have now and that are still here.

I want you to understand that this was all hard for me to write very hard because of the fact of who may read this but I understand that it's for the best and it's time I stop hiding in the clouds.

Today's my time to devote it all to God, pray more and show who I really am. I am proud to say I am a Christian.. God means everything to me and I won't give up like I almost did last night. God wouldn't want me to he would want me to be happy and be who I really am.


mrfe :

Singelli :

play4fun :

Eniitan :

Frodlex :

A user of this :

AriaAngelDream :

sonic23 :

Bintsy : well that was a nice and sad story i tots support your desicion

"I know everyone isn't always going to be here forever it's tearing me apart. I guess I have known this forever but I haven't actually come to the reality of it for many years because I have been wanting to hide the fact of it."

^ To be fair, everyone tries to hide from reality, especially in this situation. You can never be 'ready' for the death of a family member. My grandmother passed away last year after being ill for months. I could tell it was the beginning of the end yet I couldn't accept the fact that she would be gone forever. Please don't be too hard on yourself. Moping around will only make things worse.

bintsy if you feel like this just keep your head up it gets better trust me just watch this anytime you feel sad  

Bintsy...remember what I always say....those are the things you kept with you before you gave up...hope, light, fight, don't give up and to believe....I am so proud of you yet, a bit sad as how I read your thread...continue to be strong and its true, God is always here for us no matter what situation we are in. ^-^

Hey Bintsy what you described going on in your life sounds somewhat like I'm going through except for what is going on with your mother.

When I fell into my depression I had no friends, my parent's viewing me as a looser, my bf dumping me when I was in the hospital, lost of movement for about a year or two.  Things seemed so dark so I too went to god to search for help.

I have to say it only get me a thread to hold on.  But through one of my community action workers I learned I needed to form a network outside of family and internet.

So she gave me a contact to a therapist and after that things really have been looking up.  She has contacted my doctor and we are working on housing, getting help from the government, I just got a bucket load of cloths, and we are even looking at schooling for me.  My net work has been growing fast the past few months and I feel like I'm getting freedom from my family who has been dragging me down.

I think you need the same network.  It's scary to let doctors and or therapist to take control of things for you but some times you do need the help even if you can't see it yourself.

I do hope my advice helps you and I'm free to chat when I'm online.  Just hit me up if you need anyone to talk to!