I have an English essay due soon, and it is about the Hobbit. 

The essay question that I chose to do was: "What was a pivotal moment in Bilbo's journey that led him to change?"

I am not going to put up my whole essay, but parts that I feel need the most improvements. Even though this is an English paper, and it's a bit harder to tell the exact answer compared to telling an answer for a math question, please don't tell me exactly what to do, but just any comments, suggestions, improvements I can make, etc. 

Intro

In the book The Hobbit, by J.R.R. Tolkien, a hobbit by the name of Bilbo goes
on an adventure in which throughout the story, he changes. One of the most
influential and pivotal moments that shaped Bilbo into a hero came during the
encounter of the spiders in the Mirkwood. As Bilbo and company trek on through
the Mirkwoods, the party is being attacked by spiders. Bilbo enters into the
situation afraid, unsure of himself, but as he looks into the situation, he
sees his friends’ lives at stake. Bilbo decides to put the risk all on himself
and attack the spiders on his own, while letting the dwarves escape with their
lives. The pivotal moment in Bilbo’s journey is his fight against the spiders,
for not only does the change he goes through shape the path for him to follow
for the rest of the adventure, but this moment serves as his transformation and
rite of passage as well. Bilbo goes through a change of character that provides
him a mindset of authority. 

In my intro, I am unsure whether or not my thesis is strong and can lead the way for the rest of my essay. Are my details in the beginning okay?

Second Paragraph

The encounter with the spiders
helps Bilbo change and mold the path for him to follow the rest of his
adventure. The situation with the spiders “looked pretty hopeless” (Tolkien
163). Yet, even though the circumstances was looking dire, Bilbo still faced
the situation with a somewhat “last-stand heroism” type of attitude. The
situation does indeed look hopeless. “Bilbo was nearly tired out” (Tolkien
163), yet he fights the spiders off with the last of energy he could muster in
an attempt to go out fighting in a valiant fashion, with a small hope that he
and his friends can escape alive. In experiencing this moment, a moment where
all hope seems to end, Bilbo now has the mentality that he can achieve much
greater things, for he survives this hopeless situation. The big altercation
between the dwarves and the humans and elves was certainly a hopeless
situation, yet Bilbo does his best to try to negotiate peacefully terms that
everyone can respectfully agree to. This act shows the bravery and courage that
Bilbo put to use after gaining much of it from this situation, with the
spiders. 

Here, I am unsure whether or not I am repeating ideas, or if I am way too vague on detail, especially towards the end.

I'll first mention a few adjustments in grammar and style that would
improve the flow of your essay.  First, make sure that you keep your
tense consistent.  Because you're talking about a book that tells a
story, all events that you mention from the book should probably be
in past tense.  You can adjust the style slightly and refer to events in
present tense instead, but either way, make sure you do not switch
between the two tenses.  This problem is one that I used to have too,
so don't feel bad; you'll just have to watch out for it.  Also, try not
to make your sentences too long.  If you structure a given
sentence very well you can get away with occasional long
sentences, but if it seems long read through it and make
sure it flows well.  Finally, try to vary the wording you use
throughout the essay.  It was difficult for me to discern if
you were being repetitive in your content, or if your wording
was simply making it appear that way.  The synonyms
feature may help some in this respect, though having
a friend read your paper may be the best way to find
better wording.

As far as the content goes, it seems to me that you have a very good start.
I think that the choice of Bilbo's skirmish with the spiders in Mirkwood is an excellent
example of Bilbo exhibiting bravery and could definitely be considered a turning point in his life.  In order to improve your essay, I recommend that you at least briefly describe Bilbo's character prior to this event, as well as how he demonstrated that he was changed afterward.  For example, you might mention the general view of adventures and danger held by most hobbits.  By mentioning these things you will provide the reader with a greater perspective and therefore allow him or her to understand how much this turning point changed him.  I did notice that you gave one example of how Bilbo was changed, but the example had no detail and therefore gave the reader little more information than what he or she already had.

I'm not an English major, but I hope this advice helps you to improve your paper.  Best of luck!

alr256 :

You most definitely did help. I appreciate your comments. 

Yeah, tense is something my teacher is really going big on, especially with the works of literature my class is reading now. 

As for stating what character Bilbo was in previously, and how he exemplified his change afterwards, that was probably the biggest supporting detail that I could probably have in my essay, and it really helped. 

Hobbits are unadventurous and very relaxing; they tend to have very uneventful lives. 
Bilbo, after his journey, hung out with Gandalf and the dwarves, usually company Hobbits would not hang around with. Bilbo yearned for more than a normal Hobbit-like life.

Thanks!

I'm glad I could help, and thank you for the encouraging note!