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generalspleen
03-14-13 02:22 PM
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03-14-13 02:22 PM
generalspleen is Offline
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| ID: 755495 | 665 Words

generalspleen
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Hey guys. I'm back with more of my poems. This time I'm sharing my second poem I made. It started out as a normal 16 lined poem that I made when I was severely mad with myself and I needed to vent and trust me when I say it was disturbingly dark. After a week or two passed I decided to edit my poem to make it sound more positive. And I was successful. But there was a downside to my poem. It went from a normal 16 line poem to a 48 LINED POEM!!!!!!!! This poem was a pain to remake but it was worth it. And now I am going to share all 48 lines with you guys Let me know your thoughts on this one. I am really curious to see people's reactions to it. And please spread my work around to other vizzed members and have them comment on them. I love hearing what people have to say about my work. It puts a giant smile across my face when I see what they think of it Anyways enough of that. Here it is. It's titled gray:

Everywhere I go the world is gray.
Everyone around me tends to stay away.
Loneliness is the price I have to pay,
In this world that I have to live in today

Every person I meet I cause them pain.
I know in my heart I put my family to shame,
While I am the target of everyone's blame.
Please stop! I don't want to play this game!!!

I'm tired of hurting everyone where ever I go.
Like the winds of a hurricane about to blow.
I don't want this destruction that I have come to know.
SOMEBODY HELP ME BEFORE I EXPLODE!!!

I'm tired of being the one holding everyone down.
Watching everyone suffer like they are about to drown,
From the depressing thoughts that makes them frown,
While his very soul begins to turn brown.

And as time goes by it changes to black.
While his brain slowly slips in between the crack.
Until he grabs a knife and goes on the attack,
And kills someone, DAMMIT I WANT TO TAKE IT ALL BACK!!!

I'm tired of corrupting everyone's minds.
Like their eyes are closed behind these blinds.
Or when I speak and they begin to find,
The darkness in my words that I write and I rhyme.

I'm tired of causing pain to the ones I care for.
My heart is trapped deep inside my core.
Please God, Hand me the key to open the door,
To my heart so the world won't be gray anymore.

Maybe it's time that I become nice.
Believe in Christ who paid the price,
By dying on the cross as a sacrifice,
So we can live a sin free life.

I realize now the role that I play,
That Jesus has planned for me today.
He doesn't want us to run away,
From the fear in the world we believe is gray.

See God has a plan for every single one of us.
You might find it on a plane or even a bus.
And when you find it, begin to discuss,
With God through prayer and give him your trust.

He will begin to work through you, body and mind,
As you bless others from the words you find,
In the Holy Bible that are so very kind.
You'll enjoy helping others and you'll lose track of time.

As the day comes to an end and you begin to pray,
Pray for the needs of the world today.
And don't be ashamed at what others might say,
Because you just made the world a little less gray.

PHEW!!!! That took forever to type lol. I hope you all enjoy this. Please let me know what you think and please share this and my other poems with as many people as you can.


Thank you very much and have a blessed day
Hey guys. I'm back with more of my poems. This time I'm sharing my second poem I made. It started out as a normal 16 lined poem that I made when I was severely mad with myself and I needed to vent and trust me when I say it was disturbingly dark. After a week or two passed I decided to edit my poem to make it sound more positive. And I was successful. But there was a downside to my poem. It went from a normal 16 line poem to a 48 LINED POEM!!!!!!!! This poem was a pain to remake but it was worth it. And now I am going to share all 48 lines with you guys Let me know your thoughts on this one. I am really curious to see people's reactions to it. And please spread my work around to other vizzed members and have them comment on them. I love hearing what people have to say about my work. It puts a giant smile across my face when I see what they think of it Anyways enough of that. Here it is. It's titled gray:

Everywhere I go the world is gray.
Everyone around me tends to stay away.
Loneliness is the price I have to pay,
In this world that I have to live in today

Every person I meet I cause them pain.
I know in my heart I put my family to shame,
While I am the target of everyone's blame.
Please stop! I don't want to play this game!!!

I'm tired of hurting everyone where ever I go.
Like the winds of a hurricane about to blow.
I don't want this destruction that I have come to know.
SOMEBODY HELP ME BEFORE I EXPLODE!!!

I'm tired of being the one holding everyone down.
Watching everyone suffer like they are about to drown,
From the depressing thoughts that makes them frown,
While his very soul begins to turn brown.

And as time goes by it changes to black.
While his brain slowly slips in between the crack.
Until he grabs a knife and goes on the attack,
And kills someone, DAMMIT I WANT TO TAKE IT ALL BACK!!!

I'm tired of corrupting everyone's minds.
Like their eyes are closed behind these blinds.
Or when I speak and they begin to find,
The darkness in my words that I write and I rhyme.

I'm tired of causing pain to the ones I care for.
My heart is trapped deep inside my core.
Please God, Hand me the key to open the door,
To my heart so the world won't be gray anymore.

Maybe it's time that I become nice.
Believe in Christ who paid the price,
By dying on the cross as a sacrifice,
So we can live a sin free life.

I realize now the role that I play,
That Jesus has planned for me today.
He doesn't want us to run away,
From the fear in the world we believe is gray.

See God has a plan for every single one of us.
You might find it on a plane or even a bus.
And when you find it, begin to discuss,
With God through prayer and give him your trust.

He will begin to work through you, body and mind,
As you bless others from the words you find,
In the Holy Bible that are so very kind.
You'll enjoy helping others and you'll lose track of time.

As the day comes to an end and you begin to pray,
Pray for the needs of the world today.
And don't be ashamed at what others might say,
Because you just made the world a little less gray.

PHEW!!!! That took forever to type lol. I hope you all enjoy this. Please let me know what you think and please share this and my other poems with as many people as you can.


Thank you very much and have a blessed day
Trusted Member
the god of cop chases


Affected by 'Laziness Syndrome'

Registered: 01-21-13
Location: Florida
Last Post: 2707 days
Last Active: 1286 days

03-14-13 03:14 PM
Hidden Phantom is Offline
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| ID: 755543 | 7 Words

Hidden Phantom
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Your poems are amazing, don't stop writing!
Your poems are amazing, don't stop writing!
Trusted Member

The One and Only


Affected by 'Laziness Syndrome'

Registered: 03-02-12
Location: Atlanta, GA
Last Post: 490 days
Last Active: 207 days

03-14-13 03:23 PM
generalspleen is Offline
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| ID: 755548 | 62 Words

generalspleen
Level: 33


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Hidden Phantom : OK OK I WON'T STOP WRITING LOL. But promise me one thing first... tell everyone you know or meet in the vizzed community and have them read my poems and comment on them. I want to be known and put smiles on people's faces when they read my work. Deal?


Thank you very much and have a blessed day
Hidden Phantom : OK OK I WON'T STOP WRITING LOL. But promise me one thing first... tell everyone you know or meet in the vizzed community and have them read my poems and comment on them. I want to be known and put smiles on people's faces when they read my work. Deal?


Thank you very much and have a blessed day
Trusted Member
the god of cop chases


Affected by 'Laziness Syndrome'

Registered: 01-21-13
Location: Florida
Last Post: 2707 days
Last Active: 1286 days

03-14-13 03:36 PM
Eirinn is Offline
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| ID: 755555 | 57 Words

Eirinn
Level: 154


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Very good stuff here. You might be careful with the next one, since this one contained a word that could be controversial. It didn't take away from the quality of the poem though. I liked it alot. Thanks so much for posting this one. And I second hidden phantom on this one. Keep them coming. lol
Very good stuff here. You might be careful with the next one, since this one contained a word that could be controversial. It didn't take away from the quality of the poem though. I liked it alot. Thanks so much for posting this one. And I second hidden phantom on this one. Keep them coming. lol
Vizzed Elite
Eirinn


Affected by 'Laziness Syndrome'

Registered: 07-18-12
Last Post: 2061 days
Last Active: 2061 days

03-14-13 03:49 PM
generalspleen is Offline
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| ID: 755572 | 31 Words

generalspleen
Level: 33


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Eirinn : thanks guys. You all are awesome!!! Btw what word is controversial In my poem? Could you please elaborate on that? 
Thank you very much and have a blessed day
Eirinn : thanks guys. You all are awesome!!! Btw what word is controversial In my poem? Could you please elaborate on that? 
Thank you very much and have a blessed day
Trusted Member
the god of cop chases


Affected by 'Laziness Syndrome'

Registered: 01-21-13
Location: Florida
Last Post: 2707 days
Last Active: 1286 days

07-04-13 04:20 PM
Eniitan is Offline
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| ID: 835572 | 11 Words

Eniitan
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wow this is indeed wonderful I like this one its great!
wow this is indeed wonderful I like this one its great!
Vizzed Elite
Number 1 Sailor Moon, Final Fantasy And Freedom Planet Fan On Vizzed!


Affected by 'Laziness Syndrome'

Registered: 08-16-12
Last Post: 573 days
Last Active: 61 days

07-04-13 06:54 PM
generalspleen is Offline
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| ID: 835711 | 10 Words

generalspleen
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Eniitan : thank you very much!! It means a lot ^^
Eniitan : thank you very much!! It means a lot ^^
Trusted Member
the god of cop chases


Affected by 'Laziness Syndrome'

Registered: 01-21-13
Location: Florida
Last Post: 2707 days
Last Active: 1286 days

07-04-13 06:59 PM
jaws123 is Offline
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| ID: 835718 | 27 Words

jaws123
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I just got done reading your other poem "the last stand" and loved that one. This one is just as good or better keep writing please.
I just got done reading your other poem "the last stand" and loved that one. This one is just as good or better keep writing please.
Member

Affected by 'Laziness Syndrome'

Registered: 12-02-12
Location: area 51
Last Post: 3190 days
Last Active: 1697 days

07-09-13 12:58 AM
generalspleen is Offline
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| ID: 840499 | 42 Words

generalspleen
Level: 33


POSTS: 127/233
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jaws123 : so it is spoken... So it shall be!!! I will keep posting more poems. I just posted one like maybe 5 minutes ago tops. Let me know what you think of it ^^
Thank you very much and have a blessed day
jaws123 : so it is spoken... So it shall be!!! I will keep posting more poems. I just posted one like maybe 5 minutes ago tops. Let me know what you think of it ^^
Thank you very much and have a blessed day
Trusted Member
the god of cop chases


Affected by 'Laziness Syndrome'

Registered: 01-21-13
Location: Florida
Last Post: 2707 days
Last Active: 1286 days

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