I posted this on another site... and I didnt really get much of an opinion. It's really hard for me to admit some stuff. Especially here, given how I've behaved at several times in the past. However, I know by posting it here, I might be able to get some real help and be of better service to the site.

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I've found that one of the main reasons I have trouble blending into society, and making friends, is my attitude.

For those not in the know, I am kind of an a**h***. At least to 99% of people. I'm snide, rude, and sarcastic to just about everyone who isn't family or a really close friend, and the few friends I do have, have more or less accepted the fact that I'm just a big jerk, and like to insult everyone and everything.

As far as I can tell, I've been like this ever since I started high school.

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Post post note - uh.. I didn't realize how long I was going to rant on this... so a wall of text is below. And I mean a WALL.
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Up until high school started, I was constantly bullied, I never opened my mouth, and when I did, I was overly courteous and kind to every single person I knew, including those who were bullying me, because I was taught to treat people how I wanted to be treated.

Once high school started, I feel like part of me changed, which brings me to the problem. I still didn't talk much, but my body language, as well as how I treated people changed immensely. And I'm not talking normal growing up. Most people do get a little colder as they grow. Simply because it's "cool" and "mature". But I changed to a point where I no longer cared about anyone aside of family and close friends at all. The one solace I had was I was a top runner for my high school's cross country team, and that was because I never had to talk. The few times I did, was pre and post race smack talk where I showed off my cockiness and boasted of my success. Because everyone except the people above me were in a way beneath me. This was brought to my attention by a very good friend of mine back then, and I casually brushed it off. I told myself I was fine, and didn't need to change. After all, a wise man once said "I'd rather be hated for what I am, than loved for what I am not."

This continued throughout highschool. Culminating in a less than spectacular senior year where I was even worse than before. I wasn't just a jerk. I was by this point, completely rude, self absorbed, and an a**h*** by nature. Ironically, this is when I also started dating and had my first kiss. By the end of the year, everyone in the school (save for my really tiny circle of outcast friends, who barely liked me themselves) was pretty much unanimous on not liking me at all. I didn't care because I was done with high school and done with them.

Then when I got into college, I reserved myself. I had no interest in anyone. I did not want 4 more years of hell. So I chose to be alone. I got lonely after a little bit, and seeked solace on forum sites. (This is when I joined my first forum, Vizzed.)

After I joined a forum, my college life was non-existant. None of the people at college mattered anymore, as none of them were in any hurry to meet me. Unlike in real life, the people on the forum were showing at least some interest.

Once I got going on the forum, I was nice enough. I was courteous and kind. Kind of like how I was in Middle School. I was very sociable, and had very many friends for a good period of time. For a while it was heaven. For once I was being nice to people, and I was getting rewarded for it. I wasn't being bullied like I was up until high school. Maybe it was the setting, but for once I was happy with where my life was.

Things were looking up.

Then a couple bad incidents happened where the high school me reared his ugly little head. I became an a**h*** again, and I started terrorizing kids of all people. I became the thing I hated most when I was in school, a bully. There's no dicking around it, I became a bully. The very thing some people go online to escape from.

I hadn't really noticed it at the time, since I was having the time of my life. I was finally living. I was finally feeling loved and accepted. So I didn't notice when a few people started disliking me, and calling for my banning. I didn't notice when I was demoted (I was staff at the time) for abuse. I didn't notice I had lost almost every friend I had accumulated, save for 5 friends who had always been with me on site.

At this point, I felt like it was the sites fault. Not my own. I was not at fault. I was never at fault. I was invincible. So I quasi left the site, and went with a friend to make another forum for our little circle. As the days went on, I was slowly adjusting to this life, as I was with the only people who I could call friends. It was a magnificent time in a way, because I was with people who seemed to care about my wellbeing. And at this point, that's all I cared about, myself.

After a while, we hit a snag, and long story short, came back to the original forum. As we settled back in, I decided to at least try to pretend to care.

A lot of nothing happens, with me not being socially involved with the people on site to a major degree, and I eventually become staff again, through a lot of hard work.

Then we come to about 6 months or so ago. On that forum, I was named a global moderator around October or so. At first, I only cared about the job, and didn't really bother talking to people. People seemed more amicable to me, though this was also because I wasn't outright bullying them anymore. I was actually being civil and somewhat friendly, although even I had my limits.

My friends started leaving the site, and as that happened, my desire also waned. I no longer had much interest in anything, and before I realized it, I was starting to bully to a small extent. In fact, not only was I bullying, but I was being an even bigger a**h*** than I ever remember having been.

And that brings us to now. I had just gotten done reading some stuff from the past (mostly from my high school days) which made me realize how big of an a**h*** I actually was back then.

And then it started me thinking back on how everything up to this point has involve my seemingly never ending change of attitude. Once I traced my steps, I realized I became what I hate. Again. Because now I'm a rude, snide, uncaring, sarcastic a**h***, who is ignorant about the world around him.

And now I'm actually crying, because I don't know what the f*** is going on. I don't know how to control my attitude. I want to be nice to people, but I don't quite get how to, I just do things as the occur to me. I think things out yes, but I can't control what I think. If my brain gives me two options, between being an ass or being a bigger ass, I take being an ass because I don't force my brain to give me a third option. It just doesn't occur to me.

Maybe this is all psycho babble and I'm just losing my mind.

I want to care. I want to be nice. I want to not be so ignorant. I'm just not sure what I'm supposed to do, because I don't know how to control this type of thing. As like I've said before, it all depends on what feels natural at the moment.

Where to begin...

I will cite that you recognize the need for change and is willing to take active steps to make said change rather important. I read through your explanation, and I do think you have to ask yourself why you REALLY want to change. Is it because you wish to be accepted? Is it because you genuinely feels guilty about hurting others? You have to ask yourself that because that is where the journey to changing for the better begins.

You tend to cite your bullying experiences as a youth as a huge reason as to why you became the person you have. Is that solely the case? It is certainly a factor, but ultimately you are the one who manifested the ideology that quiet = weak. That is what the bullying instilled: by staying quiet and polite, you are weak yet by acting like a royal arse you have the strength. However, are you not the one to interpret that.

You will have to let yourself create change, because YOU are the one who dug yourself into this hole. Not the bullies. Not your family. YOU are the one who is to be held most responsible.That also has to be accepted in order to change. You can tell me you know this already, but you know what? Why would you have focused on the early bullying aspect if you didn't place a lot of responsibility there?

The first thing you have to do is wipe a clean slate. Forget about the past, and only use it now to not repeat mistakes. The present and the future is where you will have to allow all events to go. All your efforts will have to be diverted to making this change, and it will pay off.

We are really delving into the meaning of happiness, and in association the meaning of life. I can't help you with that because ultimately we all have a different meaning. Take upon yourself to perform more positive activities that makes you happy. That will help a lot. Work on trimming the unhealthy parts of your life away and slowly, gradually, start making minor changes to benefit your self being. Look at what needs change (basically anything that only feeds your negative emotions) and start working at it. If you believe that any solution that isn't instantaneous is asinine, then you got to change your mindset. No matter what solution anyone gives, it will take time much like a loving relationship. If you aren't willing to put in said time, then I wish you well.

In the end...you need to be self motivated I believe. You need to identify why it is you want to change and use that angle to make the necessary changes over time.

Before I leave...here is a YouTube channel that you may like, I don't know. 

http://www.youtube.com/user/TheMomoZone?feature=watch">
http://www.youtube.com/user/TheMomoZone?feature=watch

The only thing I'd like to say is to stop telling people how you don't care about anything. It really doesn't help make it easier to talk to you. When you're not talking about how miserable you are or how you don't care about anything other than yourself (or kicking people for absolutely no reason)it's actually pretty enjoyable to have you around.

Sounds to me like it's kind of the upbringing (in a school situation sorta way). I'd consider myself kinda similar. I've tried a couple of times to be nice to people but it becomes so difficult because people could be so stupid sometimes.

Why did I not see this sooner? I'd say redrunelord has made many a great pint here. All I can add is that you, at some point in time, start creating a new cirle of friends in real life because, honestly, there is only so much a bunch of forum profiles can do for you.

The problem right now is, you don't really have many (if any) friends in real life. This was something gradual from middle school --which I've been told are the worst years for any child to live through. Now that you've moved away from the few friends you had in high school, and college, you have no one to turn to for help. Bullying is not part of growing up, it's something many of us (includin me) are unfortunate to have been victims of.

After this wall of text, I have to, regretably, admit that I don't entirely know how to help you. Because of the fairh my parents have, I grew up with God in my life, but my understanding had to change slowly over that time. Tiday I have a much better understanding of what it means to treat other the eay I want to be treated. I try to treat others because I genuinely care for their lives; I want them to see what God has done for them (giving them the opportunity to repent of thrir sins).

As I've said before, I can't get you to believe ehat I believe, but I can offer my friendship and time to help you find the right decisions. PM me anytime.

Huh, that actually reminds me exactly of my younger self. Except for me it was FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT. When I got mad, I started to see red, and had no thoughts but kill, and I got mad a lot, and for some reason when you get mad you lose control. I was also a dick jerk because of this.
I was really bad online at one point, and now it's I'm mean to my friends when they come over, and want to do something stupid....grr...

I tend to have difficulty making friends myself, but I don't think it's due to supposed assholish tendencies, moreso natural aspergers-syndrome-esque introversion and such.

I sadly don't know how to help you out here, as I've never been consciously able to change myself, and the few people who ever actually wanted that were bigger a**h***s than I recall you being in the short time I've known you.