Knock knock!
Who's there?
Boo!
Boo who?
Why are you crying?

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Who!
Who who?
An owl! Ahh, I'm allergic to owls! (Not really!)

One night, a boy saw a wolf. He cried "Wolf!" Everybody ran out of their house and didn't see a thing.
The next night he saw it again. He cried "Wolf!" Everybody looked for it again, but didn't see it.
Third night, he cried "Wolf!", but all everybody found when they went to look was the helpless corpse of the boy.

It turned out that the boy crying "Wolf!" was a known for seeing vivid hallucinations, and he apparently officially got tired of seeing them.


Yes. That is a joke.

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

its stronger then god, worse then the devil, poor people have it, rich people need it and if you eat it you die. what is it?





its nothing!!!

Here's one called "Blond On The Highway"

One day a blonde was driving on the highway and got pulled over by a cop. The cop said "Why do you keep swerving?" The blonde replied "I turn one way and there's a tree, I turn again there's a tree, and then there's a whole bunch more trees popping out of nowhere." The cop replied "You retard that's your air freshener."

Another Blond joke called "Blond In Space"

A blond, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets. First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question.

"If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?"

After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet."

They said "well okay, thank you." And told her that they would get back to her.

Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question. In reply, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings." Again, "thank you" and they would get back to her.

Finally, the blond entered the room and they asked her the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead. She thought for a while and replied, "I would like to go to the sun."

The people from NASA replied, "why, don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?"

The blond smirked and put her hands on her hips. "Are you guys dumb? I'd go at night!"

NintendoPower24 : you are this months 500 Viz winner for the funniest joke post.

Today starts this months new contest for the funniest joke posted for 500 Viz so keep posting your jokes guys

What do you call a black pilot?







A: A pilot you f***ing racist

This one will win for sure:
What is a Pikachu's favorite dance?

The electric slide!

A man goes to the doctor feeling very ill, and gets a full examination to see what the problem is. After the checkup, the doctor comes in with the results

"I am afraid that you only have a short time to live"

"oh that's terrible" says the man "how long have i got?"

"you have ten" says the doctor

"Ten what? ten days, ten weeks, ten months?!" says the man

The doctor replies "ten, nine, eight, seven, six..."

Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.
Q: What ‘s a fly buzzing inside a blondes head?
A: A Space Invader.
Q: What do you call a blond behind a steering wheel?
A: An air bag.
I knew a blonde so stupid….
*she studied for a blood test.
*she tripped over a cordless phone.
*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

This joke is a bit mature at the end, but not to bad. I apologize in advance if its too much.

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.

She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister", says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by it's testicles.

"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."

The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. "Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what’s on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go ‘roof’." "No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you. " He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

A joke called This Is One Smart Dog..

This is one smart dog

A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door.

"An' wot's this then?" he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins.

"You dumb dog." As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket.

The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef]. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day.

The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb.

"Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who'll know?"

Again, the dog growls menacingly. "Alright, alright," as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket.

The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home. The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog's owner screams at the dog.

"Hey, what are you doing? That's a really smart dog you've got there," comments the butcher.

"He's a stupid dog--that's the third time this week he's forgotten his key.

When you watch Cinderella backwards, it's about a woman learning her place.

- If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

- Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Funniest possible three I can think of.

What did the crow build a restaurant for other crows???

The Crow Bar!

What Zelda told Link, when he forgot the house key?

Triforce

Great Writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

_____________________________________________________

Blonde Kidnapper

A blonde was down on her luck.

In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."

The blonde pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
_____________________________________________
A Dung Story

A blonde and a brunnete were stuck on a roof. There was no way down besides a large assortment of droppings scattered in one area. The blonde suggested they jump into the droppings which would soften their fall, so she jumped first.
"Come on in!" She said, "It's only ankle deep!"
So the brunnete jumps and it comes up all the way up to her neck.
"Hey!" The Brunnete shouted, "I though you said it was only ankle deep!"
"I know!" The blond said, "I jumped head-first!"
______________________________________________
Car Trouble

There are three engineers in a car: an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer.

Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a faultmight have occurred.

The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work?"

How about something topical:


Police have recently confirmed the DNA results taken from Osama Bin Laden upon his capture, and they're not sure they have the right man.

DNA analysis showed 10% chocolate, 25% sugar, 5% milk and 60% coconut; experts say this could be due to the large bounty on his head.

mentos34 : there is a mexican man an american man and a chinese man the american man had a bike and when he found a child crying he asked why are you crying the kid answers mi dad got run over by bike then the chinese man had a violin and when he found an emo kid he asked why care you emo the kid answered because my dad got killed by a violin strike to the head then the mexican had a bomb and found a kid laughing his head off and aked what is so funny the kid answered i farted and the neighbors house went up in flames