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legacyme3
11-07-10 03:10 AM
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Zamiel
11-08-10 01:14 AM
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Need some more help with this poem

 

11-07-10 03:10 AM
legacyme3 is Offline
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| ID: 271559 | 162 Words

legacyme3
Lord Leggy - King of IT
Level: 273


POSTS: 585/27250
POST EXP: 2003421
LVL EXP: 340287782
CP: 42661.3
VIZ: 2991783

Likes: 0  Dislikes: 0
I will pay for feedback this time around. 20 Viz for 20 words, 50 for 70 words. 100 for more than 100 words


I thought I deserved better
I thought that you would make me feel special
I thought that maybe it was my turn
I thought maybe for once I’d be the happy one

I thought a lot of things
I thought maybe I’d found the right one
I thought maybe you’d be able to bring me back.
I thought maybe for once, I wouldn’t get hurt

I thought for once, falling in love would be painless
I thought for once, mine had come to an end
I thought for once, my life would fix
I thought for once, that I could get what I wanted

I thought maybe, just maybe this was right
I thought maybe, just maybe, I would be ok
I thought maybe, just maybe, that all was well
In the end, I guess I just thought wrong.
I will pay for feedback this time around. 20 Viz for 20 words, 50 for 70 words. 100 for more than 100 words


I thought I deserved better
I thought that you would make me feel special
I thought that maybe it was my turn
I thought maybe for once I’d be the happy one

I thought a lot of things
I thought maybe I’d found the right one
I thought maybe you’d be able to bring me back.
I thought maybe for once, I wouldn’t get hurt

I thought for once, falling in love would be painless
I thought for once, mine had come to an end
I thought for once, my life would fix
I thought for once, that I could get what I wanted

I thought maybe, just maybe this was right
I thought maybe, just maybe, I would be ok
I thought maybe, just maybe, that all was well
In the end, I guess I just thought wrong.


--------------------
Vizzed Elite
6-Time VCS Winner

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One Love.
One Dream.


Affected by 'Laziness Syndrome'

Registered: 09-14-10
Location: https://discord.gg/YCuUJz9
Last Post: 2069 days
Last Active: 2069 days

11-07-10 03:27 PM
gameface138 is Offline
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| ID: 271760 | 48 Words

gameface138
Level: 70


POSTS: 571/1135
POST EXP: 31119
LVL EXP: 2921037
CP: 197.5
VIZ: 67210

Likes: 0  Dislikes: 0
legacyme3 : Wow thats pretty good the way it is.I wright a little myself.Um...But i would change the line......
"I thought maybe for once,I wouldn't get hurt"

To this..

"I thought for once,I wouldn't hurt"

it changes the meaning a little,but i like the way it sounds better.
legacyme3 : Wow thats pretty good the way it is.I wright a little myself.Um...But i would change the line......
"I thought maybe for once,I wouldn't get hurt"

To this..

"I thought for once,I wouldn't hurt"

it changes the meaning a little,but i like the way it sounds better.

--------------------
Trusted Member

Affected by 'Laziness Syndrome'

Registered: 05-24-10
Location: Illinois
Last Post: 366 days
Last Active: 288 days

11-08-10 01:14 AM
Zamiel is Offline
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| ID: 272013 | 30 Words

Zamiel
Level: 107


POSTS: 1944/3029
POST EXP: 119784
LVL EXP: 12857034
CP: 144.4
VIZ: 163750

Likes: 0  Dislikes: 0
I'm not a poetry person myself but I like how all the repetition of "I thought" led up to the last line.

I'll move this to the art forum.
-moved-


I'm not a poetry person myself but I like how all the repetition of "I thought" led up to the last line.

I'll move this to the art forum.
-moved-


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Affected by 'Laziness Syndrome'

Registered: 01-31-10
Location: under your bed....
Last Post: 4616 days
Last Active: 4103 days

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