For the last third of this year I've been pretty much a shadow of what I should have been. It all started with me losing access to the site for a decent while on late August and early September, which eventually had a deep impact on me as I was unable to recover the lost ground and life eventually caught up on me, keeping me too busy so as to maintain a proper schedule of things.

I stated on the awards thread that I'd drop some update soon for my relative lack of activity. As you may have guessed from the title of this thread, it all has ended in amazing news for me that will carry on to the next year. But how it came to this was no easy way, so allow me to tame my time to reflect on how such a painful year can finish on a high.

First things first, life caught up to me in mid to late September. I started a two-year course to succeed my father in his business, which happened at the same time I got a job opportunity. The job didn't materialize in the end, but the hours I spent into it kept me away from my course and I almost made it late to my homework. Also, my health was on a very low point by then after relying on just one of my medications and I was reaching my limit quite fast, so I also needed to revert that. I managed to get a new treatment in October and recently I've been told I'm doing fine, with my own feelings also being hopeful this new treatment does the work just fine for now, so that part of my life is sorted out.

Well, not all that much. Due to some psychological warfare courtesy of my mother I've grown totally uninterested in anything my father is or represents, which in turn makes me heavily demotivated for this course. Still, I'm doing my homework and maintaining good grades, even if it takes me too long to feel ready to be productive. This is of course bad for my future, so I went on some sort of "journey" in November to find out if I could gain any motivation or at least identify what was causing me so much distress.

It wouldn't be the only thing to happen to me in November. That month would also gift me with a nice reminder of a problem I've been fighting with all my life: abandonment. Not on a literal sense, but rather the feeling of not being taken into consideration or feeling non-existent. I've felt that way too many times with the groups of friends I made in school, but the most hurting aspect is the feeling of non-existence within the family. There was this day when some work needed to be done right beside my room, and my father (who planned it to happen) told me nothing about it. I didn't need to be asked for opinion, but at least being taken into consideration that the work would affect me and that I should know it would happen so I can leave my room early instead of being tormented on my sleep.

Due to feeling non-existent at home, I started to seriously consider moving out. At first I wanted to stay to remain closely in touch with my father and climbing the ladder on the long way to succeed him, but after thinking about it I'm not able to do that with the atmosphere I have at home. I don't feel motivated being with my parents, and I don't feel motivated without them either because I want to enjoy my short-lasting freedom. But I did feel motivated when my girlfriend spent time at home, and so I decided that if I was to graduate from this course safely I needed to get out.

I won't go through everything I've had with my girlfriend over the course of this year, because we've also faced harsh times. All I will say is that we were determined to live together some day, and said day came closer than ever with both of us wanting to get out of our families. So we talked about it, and through some contacts my father arranged a visit to the first candidate for rent this afternoon.

It was an immediate hit. The price is quite low for what you'd normally see over here, and while the flat itself is a bit small it also has a wide terrace which will flourish with activity in the spring and summer. We wouldn't find anything better or more suited for the first years of this next step we're taking, and so we are decided to move out!

The flat lacks basically all the furniture and a few other things, so we'll have to first get that done before actually living there. Due to the dates, we probably won't get anything until the holidays have passed, so I'll be finishing this year knowing I'll be moving out with her and start the next one with the actual moving, with our target being February at most to be able to fully live there. That would also match the start of the new semester for me, meaning I'll be quickly able to put to good use the new atmosphere on my motivation for my studies.

I'm quite excited for the move because the flat will be an amazing experience while it lasts. I've spent a lot of quality time with my girlfriend already so I know we'll manage well, and the freedom I'll get is almost scary after so many years in here. Though the terrace will surely be missed once we have to go somewhere with more space xD

Not sure if this will have any impact, positive or negative, on my activity here. I'll only really know once the move is done, but I'm quite certain I'll go back to the hobby of writing guides more frequently in order to keep me active even when there's no homework to do. Maybe then I can return to being more active in general, posting a bit more and all that.

Looking forward to this adventure!

Hey man I know it's been a few months but just wanted to reply and say that I am sorry about everything that has happened with your father. I also have struggled with feelings of abandonment and feelings of not belonging. For me I've learned that it's easier to deal with people who outright hate you but it's harder when people just seemingly ignore you, especially people you feel close to. If you ever need to talk to anyone please don't hesitate to reach out! How did your course end up going?

dkmec20 : No matter how late, a reply is always welcome.

I absolutely agree with you about dealing with people that seemingly ignore you. Most people think the disappointment you feel is the worst pain, but in reality is that you feel you've been played/tricked and that hurts even more.

While I appreciate the offer of talking, I really have nothing to talk about. Like I said, everything was due to psychological warfare from my mother and now I'm free of her influence. I must admit I feel quite happy living my own life away of them, and the problems I still have with them can now be treated in a different way.

My course so far is going alright. My interest on it isn't growing, but at least it's not the hell I expected it to be. As with most things in life, the difficulty relies on why you do some things because outside of school you have several tools that automate the process, and understanding all that stuff is the real deal.

If I manage to pass this semester (not gonna be easy, for a few reasons) I will be able to start thinking about the +400 hours of practice I'll have at my disposal. That's quite the big motivation, and also a big point of talk because it can totally kill me depending on how I plan it. I have the full summer for it, but sometimes having a wider deadline doesn't turn to your favor.

I can relate to feeling non-existent. At the job I work at, it would take me almost 5 years to finally be given the opportunity to provide my skills to help make the place more successful (I eventually went from being a machine operator to becoming IT). I would work on things, make suggestions, but none of it was taken all that seriously. I was starting to feel overlooked and forgotten, and it made me start to question my own skill set and personality. I eventually got the opportunity after 4 1/2 years of waiting patiently as I did a mindless dead-end job.

Anyways, it helped that I used all of that negativity to motivate me in order to prove wrong those who doubted me. It also helped that my wife was on my side. Glad you have a girlfriend who can do the same for you. If you feel like a nobody, let that fuel you so that you can prove to them that you're a somebody. It may take a while but the reward is worth the wait and struggles, and it also gives you a sense of gratitude and humbleness.