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Page Staff: pennylessz, Boured, deggle, Eniitan,
07-11-20 06:11 AM

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Remembered
I made a poem about myself that I wanted people to see
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Pacman+Mariofan
10-07-17 12:10 PM
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tornadocam
10-18-17 08:59 PM

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Remembered

 

10-07-17 12:10 PM
Pacman+Mariofan is Offline
| ID: 1348433 | 256 Words


PacmanandMariofan
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Hey, vizzed members! I wrote this poem last week, inspired by the board in my AP Psychology teacher's room that asks what we want to be remembered for. Also, I posted this on my Instagram and Facebook account before this, so I hope this doesn't count as plagiarism. I should have posted it here first. At least I remembered to turn off my layout this time!

"Remembered"

I get asked occasionally
How I want others
To remember me
And every time, I get a reminder
To tell the truthful answer
To this mind-grinder
And what is that answer?
You may ask next
Well there’s a whole lot but I’ll say my best

I want to be known for using well my time
And making others’ lives better
Instead of just mine
I want to be known for making decisions
To do what is good
Instead of what isn’t

I want to be known for inspiring
Instead of staying in the comfort zone
My mind keeps designing

I want to be known for doing what I can
Instead of worrying about
Not being a good enough man

I want to be known for brightening others’ day
Even when I have no idea
What I can say

Oh, I would be remiss
If I neglected
To mention this
I want to be known for showing others love
And not hesitating
To go beyond and above
Which sounds like a big commitment
Oh yes, a lot to give
But for me, it’s the only way
I want to live
Hey, vizzed members! I wrote this poem last week, inspired by the board in my AP Psychology teacher's room that asks what we want to be remembered for. Also, I posted this on my Instagram and Facebook account before this, so I hope this doesn't count as plagiarism. I should have posted it here first. At least I remembered to turn off my layout this time!

"Remembered"

I get asked occasionally
How I want others
To remember me
And every time, I get a reminder
To tell the truthful answer
To this mind-grinder
And what is that answer?
You may ask next
Well there’s a whole lot but I’ll say my best

I want to be known for using well my time
And making others’ lives better
Instead of just mine
I want to be known for making decisions
To do what is good
Instead of what isn’t

I want to be known for inspiring
Instead of staying in the comfort zone
My mind keeps designing

I want to be known for doing what I can
Instead of worrying about
Not being a good enough man

I want to be known for brightening others’ day
Even when I have no idea
What I can say

Oh, I would be remiss
If I neglected
To mention this
I want to be known for showing others love
And not hesitating
To go beyond and above
Which sounds like a big commitment
Oh yes, a lot to give
But for me, it’s the only way
I want to live
Vizzed Elite
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Philippians 4:6-7


Affected by 'Laziness Syndrome'

Registered: 10-22-12
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Last Post: 6 days
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10-11-17 07:01 PM
realplayer109 is Offline
| ID: 1348758 | 199 Words

realplayer109
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That ending is completely powerful and the poem is just breathtaking. The stanzas and verses were a little shaky at the start however you really pulled it forward during those couplets. Outstanding.

Be careful of word order, that's something you should strive on: "using well my time" does not make sense. I do understand you are trying to rhyme it with mine however it just simply doesn't work. A traditional poem should rhyme, however not at the cost of point and explanation of the poem.

Also, the first verse is very weak, the stanzas are very hard to pull off and have no rhythmic pattern that I can see. The rhymes make sense, however, the flow of the poem seems to be extremely non-smooth. Consider using a more creative side to develop this. For example:

"I want to be remembered,
I don't want to end up like the rest,
coffins stacked up one by one,
waiting for their neglect."

You see what I mean? The structure is one of your key weaknesses by far in these poems. Focus on that.

Generally very good, outstanding use of literature to convey meaning, just need to work on structure and verse weaknesses.

That ending is completely powerful and the poem is just breathtaking. The stanzas and verses were a little shaky at the start however you really pulled it forward during those couplets. Outstanding.

Be careful of word order, that's something you should strive on: "using well my time" does not make sense. I do understand you are trying to rhyme it with mine however it just simply doesn't work. A traditional poem should rhyme, however not at the cost of point and explanation of the poem.

Also, the first verse is very weak, the stanzas are very hard to pull off and have no rhythmic pattern that I can see. The rhymes make sense, however, the flow of the poem seems to be extremely non-smooth. Consider using a more creative side to develop this. For example:

"I want to be remembered,
I don't want to end up like the rest,
coffins stacked up one by one,
waiting for their neglect."

You see what I mean? The structure is one of your key weaknesses by far in these poems. Focus on that.

Generally very good, outstanding use of literature to convey meaning, just need to work on structure and verse weaknesses.

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Post Rating: 2   Liked By: jnisol, Pacman+Mariofan,

10-13-17 02:48 PM
Pacman+Mariofan is Offline
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realplayer109 : For the part that said "using well my time", I wasn't trying to do that just to rhyme it with time. Unless I didn't remember correctly, I was thinking of a poetic device older literature has used. I don't know the term, but it's about using the order of words inversely. I admit I didn't have much of a purpose in doing that though so I should have thought more about it.

Creativity in my writing has always been a stumbling block for me. It's actually part of why I didn't want to write for a long time. I couldn't come up with original ideas/imagery, so I let that hold me back. The only way I got myself to begin writing again was to stop focusing on that and instead focus on the message I'm trying to convey.
realplayer109 : For the part that said "using well my time", I wasn't trying to do that just to rhyme it with time. Unless I didn't remember correctly, I was thinking of a poetic device older literature has used. I don't know the term, but it's about using the order of words inversely. I admit I didn't have much of a purpose in doing that though so I should have thought more about it.

Creativity in my writing has always been a stumbling block for me. It's actually part of why I didn't want to write for a long time. I couldn't come up with original ideas/imagery, so I let that hold me back. The only way I got myself to begin writing again was to stop focusing on that and instead focus on the message I'm trying to convey.
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Registered: 10-22-12
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10-18-17 08:59 PM
tornadocam is Offline
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I actually liked this poem. It is powerful especially at the end. I think is how all of us should to be remembered as. It got me to thinking I hope that I am remembered How I tried to be a good Christian, how, I tried real hard to serve the Lord, how I tried to do good, and how I was a friend to all.  

Anyway, this poem is a good poem that should get people on thinking. It also could make people reflect on their lives. I am not much of a poet. But to me a good poem is one that people can relate to as well as gets people to think. Your poem does all of that. Having taken a few psychology classes. I would say this is a humanistic poem as it shows we as human beings can do good things. 
I actually liked this poem. It is powerful especially at the end. I think is how all of us should to be remembered as. It got me to thinking I hope that I am remembered How I tried to be a good Christian, how, I tried real hard to serve the Lord, how I tried to do good, and how I was a friend to all.  

Anyway, this poem is a good poem that should get people on thinking. It also could make people reflect on their lives. I am not much of a poet. But to me a good poem is one that people can relate to as well as gets people to think. Your poem does all of that. Having taken a few psychology classes. I would say this is a humanistic poem as it shows we as human beings can do good things. 
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