Remove Ad, Sign Up
Register to Remove Ad
Register to Remove Ad
Remove Ad, Sign Up
Register to Remove Ad
Register to Remove Ad
Signup for Free!
-More Features-
-Far Less Ads-
About   Users   Help
Users & Guests Online
On Page: 1
Directory: 23
Entire Site: 8 & 546
Page Staff: pennylessz, Boured, deggle, Eniitan,
07-29-21 04:27 AM

Forum Links

Need a critic
If anyone could critique this I'd be grateful
Related Threads
Coming Soon

Thread Information

Views
473
Replies
4
Rating
0
Status
CLOSED
Thread
Creator
TharGamer
08-04-17 12:37 PM
Last
Post
TharGamer
08-17-17 03:41 AM
Additional Thread Details
Views: 447
Today: 1
Users: 22 unique
Last User View
10-11-17
realplayer109

Thread Actions

Thread Closed
New Thread
New Poll
Order
 

Need a critic

 

08-04-17 12:37 PM
TharGamer is Offline
| ID: 1346067 | 1511 Words

TharGamer
Level: 22

POSTS: 83/106
POST EXP: 10543
LVL EXP: 55793
CP: 465.4
VIZ: 39886

Likes: 0  Dislikes: 0
Hi, I've been bored a lot lately so I decided to write this one morning. I would like to continue this story and share it with my friends, but I personally think it sounds too much like something out of 'A Song of Ice and Fire'. If anyone could take time out to read this I would be very thankful, with honest feedback and criticism. Thank you.

Chapter 1-Celebrations in Knighthall

The narrow, winding streets of Knighthall were packed with jubilant smallfolk. Commoners and nobility alike traveled from all corners of Ilyara to attend the huge celebrations being staged in the city following King Edward Lusters' victory over the rebellious House Blackstone. Songs were sung of his valiant efforts, toasts were made to congratulate his hard-fought win, and plays were staged depicting the revolt for all to see-even though he never personally fought in the war due to his age. An entire week of feasting and drinking for all was announced by Prince John, though such celebrations were commonly held by the King's lively and popular heir. A grand event was scheduled to take place at the end of the joyous week; an unveiling of numerous ancient treasures uncovered from beneath House Blackstone's ancestral home of Draconid Keep, though most of the peasants were interested only in the feasting and festivities. It was at times like these where the realm truly came together in stupendous splendour to celebrate. King Edward himself was attending the grand feast in the centre of the city along with his son Prince John.

The King had a rounded, bony face with a weak chin, and very wrinkled skin. His deep-set eyes were an icy blue and spaced an even distance apart from one another, sitting below bushy, low, furrowed brows. His crooked, long nose hung over his thinned, narrow, tightened lips. What little hair he had left showed his age: long, grey strands, divided by numerous bald patches, coming down no longer than his shoulders. Standing at 6'5", Edward was a man of considerable height, but possessed long, skinny limbs, and had a gaunt bodily image overall-yet another indicator of his age. Make no mistake, in his youth he was an able-bodied warrior, but age and stress have taken their toll. He was much the opposite of Prince John, who was known for his looks-square faced with a cutting jawline, a prominent chin and wide, light-green eyes. He always had a look of arrogance on him, displayed through his resting smirking jaw. His hair was jet black, straight, and cascaded down to his shoulders, often shimmering in the light. His stance was a confident one, and he towered over most with a height of 6'7", with a body packed with muscle.He loved his looks and himself more than anything else in the world, and this arrogance showed.

The Lusters greeted the vibrant crowds to the sounds of tumultuous cheering. John strode over to his seat with a gleaming smile, while Edward stumbled over to his with a sullen, gloomy face. They took their seats at the banquet table and began to converse.
"Cheer up, the war is over," began John, "why do you insist on being so miserable?"
The King shot a cold look of disgust at John, and signalled for wine. A noticeably timid cup bearer quickly met his request, and Edward began to drink from his chalice. John continued to pester his father despite the obvious facial warning, "It's time to celebrate and unwind rather than--"
"There's nothing to celebrate about leading thousands of men to their deaths!" Edward barked, slamming his chalice down on the table much to the surprise of John. The commotion had drawn the attention of the crowds. A long silence followed, punctuated only by the occasional sound of singing or cheering emanating from distant streets.
"The time for mourning has passed," continued John, "nothing was ever achieved without sacrifice."
"You think I don't know that? War is nothing to celebrate, win or lose, lives are still lost. Families have still been shattered. You can't possibly be telling me that you're merely using our fallen for an excuse to rejoice; it's barbaric..." Edward took a moment to drink some more wine and take a breath, "I'd expect nothing more from the smallfolk to continue this heinous tradition, but I had expected you to act differently. You're a prince, not a commoner."

John was seemingly paralysed from his fathers harsh words. The royals locked eyes for a few tense, uncomfortable moments before John turned to address the crowds.
"I apologise for my father; it seems as though he's not feeling his best. Do continue to feast, we all deserve it." There were a few isolated pockets of cheers within the audience, but most were still in a state of shock from the Kings outbursts, unsure of what to do next. John clapped his hands together to officially begin the feast, and began to speak to the Regal Sentinels. "I believe that the King needs to retire to his chambers for the day, he may be suffering from exhaustion. See that he gets rested for the Lords' gathering later on." Edward willingly went back to his Keep, having already grown bored of the festival. Such conflicts were habitual between the King and the Prince, and they were only becoming more and more common as the King descended deeper into illness. The townsfolk began to feast once the King was escorted away, while John began to ponder what oddities the week may bring.

Edward and his guards made their way back to the grand castle of Maerun's Palace. The ancestral seat of House Luster, Maerun's Palace-named after the founder of House Luster, Maerun Luster-was an awe-inspiring sight to behold. It sat at the top of the only hill in Knighthall, towering above the rest of the city. The central 270-foot-high Keep overlooked the entirety of Knighthall, and was as impregnable as it was intimidating. Lush, verdant courtyards surrounded the Keep on every side apart from the South; this is where the Crimson Hall was located. The Crimson Hall was better known as the location of the Crimson Throne, the throne on which the Monarch of Ilyara sits.

The Hall itself was magnificent in design, with multiple stained glass windows depicting important events of Ilyara's-as well as House Luster's-history, such as the defeat of King Ragnar Hardrada at the Battle of the Rock, or the crowning of Maerun Luster I as the first King of a united Ilyara. However, the most impressive aspect of the Hall was undoubtedly the Crimson Throne. The Throne was made from the darkest ebony wood, topped with the most luxurious velvet in the land. It was encrusted with precious jewels of all kinds-rubies, amethysts, sapphires, emeralds, the most noticeable being a large diamond in the centre of the throne. It sat on the top of a five-stepped platform, and seemed to draw the attention of most people present in the Hall. Beyond the Hall and courtyards were the walls, the inner wall being 44-feet high and the outer wall being 30-feet high, and both walls were 20-foot thick. Both were constructed from sturdy stone and stood proudly in their place, ready to deter all attackers. The only way in or out was through the mighty Crimson Gatehouse, which sat directly on the road into the castle. All of these factors meant that the Palace had never been successfully stormed, and it soon gained fame throughout Ilyara for its unbreakable defences.

Edward made his way to the alchemy lab, halfway up the tower. The royal alchemist, Jacques le Mont, a man of meek proportions and a timid disposition, informed the King of grim news. The fears of the kingdom had been confirmed-Edward had little over a few weeks left to live, a month or two if he was lucky. Edward did not seem shocked at all by the diagnosis, and simply thanked le Mont for his service before leaving. The King retired to his chambers at the very top of the Keep, and ordered for a raven to be sent to the Lords of the two next greatest Houses in the realm-Lord Richard Rathmore of Stormhelm and Lord Erik Jernklo of Mercer. *It is with utmost urgency that I summon Lord Richard Rathmore and Lord Erik Jernklo to Knighthall. There is an ascendancy issue to be discussed, and your King needs your council. I expect you both to be here within the fortnight, as I fear my illness may be getting the better of me. Signed, King Edward Luster II.* The letter was taken away by the servants as Edward slowly and deliberately made his way to the window. He looked down upon the impoverished masses crowding the streets below from his tower, and started to question what he had really achieved as King, and if all the sacrifices made to retain his position of power were worth it. Exhausted and fatigued by the day, he clambered into his luxurious four poster bed and drifted off into a deep slumber.
Hi, I've been bored a lot lately so I decided to write this one morning. I would like to continue this story and share it with my friends, but I personally think it sounds too much like something out of 'A Song of Ice and Fire'. If anyone could take time out to read this I would be very thankful, with honest feedback and criticism. Thank you.

Chapter 1-Celebrations in Knighthall

The narrow, winding streets of Knighthall were packed with jubilant smallfolk. Commoners and nobility alike traveled from all corners of Ilyara to attend the huge celebrations being staged in the city following King Edward Lusters' victory over the rebellious House Blackstone. Songs were sung of his valiant efforts, toasts were made to congratulate his hard-fought win, and plays were staged depicting the revolt for all to see-even though he never personally fought in the war due to his age. An entire week of feasting and drinking for all was announced by Prince John, though such celebrations were commonly held by the King's lively and popular heir. A grand event was scheduled to take place at the end of the joyous week; an unveiling of numerous ancient treasures uncovered from beneath House Blackstone's ancestral home of Draconid Keep, though most of the peasants were interested only in the feasting and festivities. It was at times like these where the realm truly came together in stupendous splendour to celebrate. King Edward himself was attending the grand feast in the centre of the city along with his son Prince John.

The King had a rounded, bony face with a weak chin, and very wrinkled skin. His deep-set eyes were an icy blue and spaced an even distance apart from one another, sitting below bushy, low, furrowed brows. His crooked, long nose hung over his thinned, narrow, tightened lips. What little hair he had left showed his age: long, grey strands, divided by numerous bald patches, coming down no longer than his shoulders. Standing at 6'5", Edward was a man of considerable height, but possessed long, skinny limbs, and had a gaunt bodily image overall-yet another indicator of his age. Make no mistake, in his youth he was an able-bodied warrior, but age and stress have taken their toll. He was much the opposite of Prince John, who was known for his looks-square faced with a cutting jawline, a prominent chin and wide, light-green eyes. He always had a look of arrogance on him, displayed through his resting smirking jaw. His hair was jet black, straight, and cascaded down to his shoulders, often shimmering in the light. His stance was a confident one, and he towered over most with a height of 6'7", with a body packed with muscle.He loved his looks and himself more than anything else in the world, and this arrogance showed.

The Lusters greeted the vibrant crowds to the sounds of tumultuous cheering. John strode over to his seat with a gleaming smile, while Edward stumbled over to his with a sullen, gloomy face. They took their seats at the banquet table and began to converse.
"Cheer up, the war is over," began John, "why do you insist on being so miserable?"
The King shot a cold look of disgust at John, and signalled for wine. A noticeably timid cup bearer quickly met his request, and Edward began to drink from his chalice. John continued to pester his father despite the obvious facial warning, "It's time to celebrate and unwind rather than--"
"There's nothing to celebrate about leading thousands of men to their deaths!" Edward barked, slamming his chalice down on the table much to the surprise of John. The commotion had drawn the attention of the crowds. A long silence followed, punctuated only by the occasional sound of singing or cheering emanating from distant streets.
"The time for mourning has passed," continued John, "nothing was ever achieved without sacrifice."
"You think I don't know that? War is nothing to celebrate, win or lose, lives are still lost. Families have still been shattered. You can't possibly be telling me that you're merely using our fallen for an excuse to rejoice; it's barbaric..." Edward took a moment to drink some more wine and take a breath, "I'd expect nothing more from the smallfolk to continue this heinous tradition, but I had expected you to act differently. You're a prince, not a commoner."

John was seemingly paralysed from his fathers harsh words. The royals locked eyes for a few tense, uncomfortable moments before John turned to address the crowds.
"I apologise for my father; it seems as though he's not feeling his best. Do continue to feast, we all deserve it." There were a few isolated pockets of cheers within the audience, but most were still in a state of shock from the Kings outbursts, unsure of what to do next. John clapped his hands together to officially begin the feast, and began to speak to the Regal Sentinels. "I believe that the King needs to retire to his chambers for the day, he may be suffering from exhaustion. See that he gets rested for the Lords' gathering later on." Edward willingly went back to his Keep, having already grown bored of the festival. Such conflicts were habitual between the King and the Prince, and they were only becoming more and more common as the King descended deeper into illness. The townsfolk began to feast once the King was escorted away, while John began to ponder what oddities the week may bring.

Edward and his guards made their way back to the grand castle of Maerun's Palace. The ancestral seat of House Luster, Maerun's Palace-named after the founder of House Luster, Maerun Luster-was an awe-inspiring sight to behold. It sat at the top of the only hill in Knighthall, towering above the rest of the city. The central 270-foot-high Keep overlooked the entirety of Knighthall, and was as impregnable as it was intimidating. Lush, verdant courtyards surrounded the Keep on every side apart from the South; this is where the Crimson Hall was located. The Crimson Hall was better known as the location of the Crimson Throne, the throne on which the Monarch of Ilyara sits.

The Hall itself was magnificent in design, with multiple stained glass windows depicting important events of Ilyara's-as well as House Luster's-history, such as the defeat of King Ragnar Hardrada at the Battle of the Rock, or the crowning of Maerun Luster I as the first King of a united Ilyara. However, the most impressive aspect of the Hall was undoubtedly the Crimson Throne. The Throne was made from the darkest ebony wood, topped with the most luxurious velvet in the land. It was encrusted with precious jewels of all kinds-rubies, amethysts, sapphires, emeralds, the most noticeable being a large diamond in the centre of the throne. It sat on the top of a five-stepped platform, and seemed to draw the attention of most people present in the Hall. Beyond the Hall and courtyards were the walls, the inner wall being 44-feet high and the outer wall being 30-feet high, and both walls were 20-foot thick. Both were constructed from sturdy stone and stood proudly in their place, ready to deter all attackers. The only way in or out was through the mighty Crimson Gatehouse, which sat directly on the road into the castle. All of these factors meant that the Palace had never been successfully stormed, and it soon gained fame throughout Ilyara for its unbreakable defences.

Edward made his way to the alchemy lab, halfway up the tower. The royal alchemist, Jacques le Mont, a man of meek proportions and a timid disposition, informed the King of grim news. The fears of the kingdom had been confirmed-Edward had little over a few weeks left to live, a month or two if he was lucky. Edward did not seem shocked at all by the diagnosis, and simply thanked le Mont for his service before leaving. The King retired to his chambers at the very top of the Keep, and ordered for a raven to be sent to the Lords of the two next greatest Houses in the realm-Lord Richard Rathmore of Stormhelm and Lord Erik Jernklo of Mercer. *It is with utmost urgency that I summon Lord Richard Rathmore and Lord Erik Jernklo to Knighthall. There is an ascendancy issue to be discussed, and your King needs your council. I expect you both to be here within the fortnight, as I fear my illness may be getting the better of me. Signed, King Edward Luster II.* The letter was taken away by the servants as Edward slowly and deliberately made his way to the window. He looked down upon the impoverished masses crowding the streets below from his tower, and started to question what he had really achieved as King, and if all the sacrifices made to retain his position of power were worth it. Exhausted and fatigued by the day, he clambered into his luxurious four poster bed and drifted off into a deep slumber.
Member
Duke Crafton


Affected by 'Laziness Syndrome'

Registered: 06-02-14
Last Post: 1381 days
Last Active: 978 days

Related Content

Content Coming Soon

08-04-17 01:41 PM
mastergame is Offline
| ID: 1346070 | 221 Words

mastergame
Level: 50


POSTS: 515/596
POST EXP: 47888
LVL EXP: 933239
CP: 4304.0
VIZ: 217250

Likes: 0  Dislikes: 0
Your world building needs improving, what is Knighthall? A town a city or an entire country? I thought it was a street name or a town after reading on. Character description and item description need work, the way you wrote King Edward is way too long for anyone to care. We get it he is another old person with a son named John, no need to know everything from his blood type to his height. Maerun's Palace is a large tower we know but why was it build that big or why was it something to be proud off, it just needs something that makes it worth to the town people and the reader to be happy read not say "it's a huge tower that had won battles." The Hall? as in this section of the castle has room to display trophies in a straight line or a hall with fancy designs that we do not care.

One last thing what is a Luster? If a king's last name is Luster, if "The Lusters greeted the vibrant crowds" and "glass windows depicting important events of Ilyara's-as well as House Luster's-history". What does it mean to be a Luster why is this told everywhere, is it important?

Story is very basic can't just nitpick every part but work is needed on it.
Your world building needs improving, what is Knighthall? A town a city or an entire country? I thought it was a street name or a town after reading on. Character description and item description need work, the way you wrote King Edward is way too long for anyone to care. We get it he is another old person with a son named John, no need to know everything from his blood type to his height. Maerun's Palace is a large tower we know but why was it build that big or why was it something to be proud off, it just needs something that makes it worth to the town people and the reader to be happy read not say "it's a huge tower that had won battles." The Hall? as in this section of the castle has room to display trophies in a straight line or a hall with fancy designs that we do not care.

One last thing what is a Luster? If a king's last name is Luster, if "The Lusters greeted the vibrant crowds" and "glass windows depicting important events of Ilyara's-as well as House Luster's-history". What does it mean to be a Luster why is this told everywhere, is it important?

Story is very basic can't just nitpick every part but work is needed on it.
Trusted Member
royal battle gamer


Affected by 'Laziness Syndrome'

Registered: 04-24-10
Last Post: 837 days
Last Active: 443 days

08-04-17 02:36 PM
TharGamer is Offline
| ID: 1346072 | 110 Words

TharGamer
Level: 22

POSTS: 85/106
POST EXP: 10543
LVL EXP: 55793
CP: 465.4
VIZ: 39886

Likes: 0  Dislikes: 0
Thank you for your honesty, some good points pointed out there, I should have planned it better. The Lusters are the royal dynasty and Knighthall is their seat of power-essentially the capital. I will make adjustments to the descriptions of the King and the castle to see how it fits, and clearly state the purpose of Knighthall-though I feel as though I implied the Lusters as being the royal dynasty for generations quite heavily. Thank you for the feedback, was there anything I actually did well at? If so I'll try to write in that manner more. It does say that Knighthall is a city in the first paragraph btw
Thank you for your honesty, some good points pointed out there, I should have planned it better. The Lusters are the royal dynasty and Knighthall is their seat of power-essentially the capital. I will make adjustments to the descriptions of the King and the castle to see how it fits, and clearly state the purpose of Knighthall-though I feel as though I implied the Lusters as being the royal dynasty for generations quite heavily. Thank you for the feedback, was there anything I actually did well at? If so I'll try to write in that manner more. It does say that Knighthall is a city in the first paragraph btw
Member
Duke Crafton


Affected by 'Laziness Syndrome'

Registered: 06-02-14
Last Post: 1381 days
Last Active: 978 days

(edited by TharGamer on 08-05-17 06:11 AM)    

08-16-17 01:08 PM
Eirinn is Offline
| ID: 1346531 | 427 Words

Eirinn
Level: 148


POSTS: 7555/7900
POST EXP: 1300417
LVL EXP: 40321213
CP: 69295.4
VIZ: 1830115

Likes: 0  Dislikes: 0
I'm late with this, but I felt that the story was well written. I see where a lot of detail about the characters themselves and what they think or feel could be added, but this is the first chapter ーan introduction, if you willー so it's not a shortcoming on your part.

I was actually impressed by the way you skillfully slipped in the description of the Lusters as well as the areas mentioned in the palace. You avoided the mistake of dropping people in with no explanation or description, and you brought a lot of information to a proper close by the end of the chapter. I admit, I skipped a little bit of the next to last paragraph as the chapter was very information dense ーsomething I sometimes struggle withー but I don't fault you for that. I would rather have a lot of information to absorb dumped on me than I would a bare bones story with nondescript areas and throw away characters.


I know that this comment is the polar opposite of the view offered by the user before myself, but here's my final take on it, and a summary.

There's plenty of potential here, and this chapter was written in such a way that it left you with a great chance to really propel the story as a whole forward. In as little as two or three paragraphs, you revealed the true character of both Edward and John, and you did so without making us feel like you felt a need to spoon feed the details.

The information, especially the description of the castle and walls, was great lore builder, but it was also a lot to read through all at once. This may easily be rewarded by the way that it allows the story to proceed forward so smoothly in the next chapter and beyond though, so it isn't a complaint really. I would suggest giving some more breathing room than that in future chapters as often as is possible, but don't hesitate to throw us a bit or two that's dense with the information if it keeps the story from feeling flat.


So this was a good start, and shows a lot of skill. I'm surprised that you just sat down and wrote it on a whim actually. Also bear in mind that (to my knowledge) none of us here are professional writers, or even amateurs, so don't take our criticisms too seriously. We can only say what we personally think, and we may well give you a bum steer.
I'm late with this, but I felt that the story was well written. I see where a lot of detail about the characters themselves and what they think or feel could be added, but this is the first chapter ーan introduction, if you willー so it's not a shortcoming on your part.

I was actually impressed by the way you skillfully slipped in the description of the Lusters as well as the areas mentioned in the palace. You avoided the mistake of dropping people in with no explanation or description, and you brought a lot of information to a proper close by the end of the chapter. I admit, I skipped a little bit of the next to last paragraph as the chapter was very information dense ーsomething I sometimes struggle withー but I don't fault you for that. I would rather have a lot of information to absorb dumped on me than I would a bare bones story with nondescript areas and throw away characters.


I know that this comment is the polar opposite of the view offered by the user before myself, but here's my final take on it, and a summary.

There's plenty of potential here, and this chapter was written in such a way that it left you with a great chance to really propel the story as a whole forward. In as little as two or three paragraphs, you revealed the true character of both Edward and John, and you did so without making us feel like you felt a need to spoon feed the details.

The information, especially the description of the castle and walls, was great lore builder, but it was also a lot to read through all at once. This may easily be rewarded by the way that it allows the story to proceed forward so smoothly in the next chapter and beyond though, so it isn't a complaint really. I would suggest giving some more breathing room than that in future chapters as often as is possible, but don't hesitate to throw us a bit or two that's dense with the information if it keeps the story from feeling flat.


So this was a good start, and shows a lot of skill. I'm surprised that you just sat down and wrote it on a whim actually. Also bear in mind that (to my knowledge) none of us here are professional writers, or even amateurs, so don't take our criticisms too seriously. We can only say what we personally think, and we may well give you a bum steer.
Vizzed Elite
Eirinn


Affected by 'Laziness Syndrome'

Registered: 07-18-12
Last Post: 1058 days
Last Active: 1058 days

08-17-17 03:41 AM
TharGamer is Offline
| ID: 1346583 | 54 Words

TharGamer
Level: 22

POSTS: 103/106
POST EXP: 10543
LVL EXP: 55793
CP: 465.4
VIZ: 39886

Likes: 0  Dislikes: 0
Thank you for the post, I was a bit concerned with the amount of information given in the castle paragraph so I might condense it a bit. I will take on board what you said about breathing space in future chapters and the descriptions of the characters and places. Thank you for the feedback!
Thank you for the post, I was a bit concerned with the amount of information given in the castle paragraph so I might condense it a bit. I will take on board what you said about breathing space in future chapters and the descriptions of the characters and places. Thank you for the feedback!
Member
Duke Crafton


Affected by 'Laziness Syndrome'

Registered: 06-02-14
Last Post: 1381 days
Last Active: 978 days

Links

Page Comments


This page has no comments

Adblocker detected!

Vizzed.com is very expensive to keep alive! The Ads pay for the servers.

Vizzed has 3 TB worth of games and 1 TB worth of music.  This site is free to use but the ads barely pay for the monthly server fees.  If too many more people use ad block, the site cannot survive.

We prioritize the community over the site profits.  This is why we avoid using annoying (but high paying) ads like most other sites which include popups, obnoxious sounds and animations, malware, and other forms of intrusiveness.  We'll do our part to never resort to these types of ads, please do your part by helping support this site by adding Vizzed.com to your ad blocking whitelist.

×