So, there's some stuff that I need to get off my chest and get out there. 

My heart, it hurts. Figuratively and literally. 
I thought it would be easy to find a girlfriend in college. But when I got here, I stopped thinking about just looks; I started thinking about the future, and what I knew about the person. After learning more about each person I was even remotely interested in enough to talk to and learn more about, the less interested I became in the person. I'm tired of just thinking about sex; I'm ready for the future. I'm a 23 year old Army veteran and a freshman in college. It's rough; it really is. 
And then there is this pain in my chest on the left side. It feels like a knot or a rock. When I was getting it checked out at the beginning of the year, the VA thought that it might be that I wasn't getting enough oxygen into my left lung, but after a pair of tests, they said that wasn't the case. And now, I don't have my car, so I can't get to the closest VA to make an appointment. And then my class schedule doesn't allow it either. It's just really rough on me. You would think that it couldn't be anything too serious if I've had some kind of pain in my chest of over a year now, but I seem to be chugging right on along. 

My knees don't hurt like they used to. Now... they just feel weak, like they're brittle. I want to be in better shape, but I'm scared. I don't know what to do to work out and make my body stronger. I don't have anybody pushing me to be better, so I don't have any motivation. I would like if I could motivate myself, but I just can't do it. 
At least my back hasn't given me much issues lately. If anything, it's just uncomfortable when laying or sitting down, and that can be easily fixed to relieve just enough of the pain when I'm finally comfortable. But, it's not doing anything to help my posture. I don't want to be the Hunchback of Notre Dame in 15 years... I can't see myself on a walking stick, hunched over at 40. That's not who I am! I want to be active, but I just don't have anybody pushing me to be that person that I want to be. I don't have the ability to motivate myself. 

I have this dream of doing something amazing. I've done some things in the past that I'm not proud of. But then, who hasn't? I want to set a world record, or play sports. Is it because I have an ego? Naw, or at least I don't think I do. I don't want to do something cool because I think I have an ego; I want to do something because I want people to remember me for doing something good or cool, and not for my past, who I no longer am. I don't want to be judged on my negative qualities; I want to be judged for my good qualities. 
It doesn't help that I don't have the physical capabilities to play sports like I would like to, either. I can't run anymore. I mean, sure, I can sprint across a parking lot or a grass yard to get my dog if I need to, but to run like I would need to so that I could long jump, like I did in elementary school, or sprint like I did in the earlier years of grade school? I can't play football because of knees, and I don't have the skills to play baseball. So where does that leave me with things that actually interest me and that I think I'm actually good enough to be successful with? Nowhere. 

And now I'm back on Vizzed. I got unbanned. Again. I don't know if it was because David (Davideo7) felt like he had to because I started supporting his Patreon after I found out about it. Or maybe it was because of some reason that I just can't fathom. Don't get my wrong; I'm grateful for it, and I'm going to take advantage of being allowed to come back. But I can't shake this feeling that people think I bought my way back in; that was never the intention. I never had any issue with David, and when I heard he was struggling to the point that he felt he had to make a Patreon, I felt compelled to help. The perks had nothing to do with how much I am giving. It just has to do with how much I feel I can afford every month to support a friend. 

And now I have my dog, Charlie Brown. He really helps with the depression a lot. It's really hard not having any friends that you can call on, and they're there as soon as you call them, telling them that you need a friend to just sit with you and shoot the breeze. But with Charlie Brown, I've been blessed with how easy he's been. He's a mini Australian Sheppard, and the hardest thing I had to teach him was not to use the bathroom in the house. Now, he still does it, but only if I don't realize that he needs to go out after he tries to get my attention, or I don't realize that it's been awhile since the last time I've taken him out. 
He knew "sit" after just a week or two. He learned "come here" just as quickly. I got him to learn shake after just 24 hours. He doesn't need a leash, because he hated it when I got him; it took 3 weeks before he'd walk on it. But, he always stayed at my side. Today, if we go outside for a walk to take the trash to one of the dumpsters in our apartment complex, he'll run ahead, but never too far. If he really needs to go to the bathroom, I can just open the door, and let him out, and he'll come back inside when he's done. But, I usually have to go outside with him. For some reason, he usually wants me out there so that I can see that he went to the bathroom. It's kind of cute that he wants my approval. 

While Charlie Brown is a huge help, I hope to get him certified as an Emotional Support Dog after he grows up and gets all this puppy energy out of him, and gets the hang of a few more commands. He's a huge help at home... but when I'm at school, in class, sometimes it's not enough. I'll zone out, and not realize that I've zoned out until class is over. 
It doesn't help that I was smart in high school. Now, I'm anxiously awaiting the results of my College Algebra (2 levels below what I actually need for my degree) so that I can find out if I passed the class or not. The teacher was pretty bad, and I wasn't the only one that thought of here that way; just look at her Rate My Professor rating... I never got less than an A in a math class until I took Pre-Calculus in high school as a filler! I mean, sure, I'm going to forget a bit in 4 and a half years, but going from the one that would help my classmates because I understood it to the one not having any idea what the heck I'm supposed to be doing on the tests and homework because the teacher never covered it is so damn demoralizing. If I had to sit and think about it, I would say that that math class is probably the cause for a large portion of my depression of my first semester of college. 
Not being able to find a girlfriend is a small portion, because I knew it was going to be hard to find a good girl. But, not being able to find goods friends is another big portion. I did make some friends, but they're either always busy, or they drink way too much. And that's just not something I want to be around a lot. It's hard to find people similar to yourself. 


So yeah, that is what has been on my mind lately. If you were trying to figure out if there was something wrong with me because I seemed different, there you have it. 

I'd suggest going to the VA as soon as possible. If it turns out that they can help your chest you're more likely to feel confident in yourself. It might also help you do better in your classes. Is attendence mandatory in your school? And could you take a bus or a cab to the VA?

earthwarrior : The chest thing isn't too bad. The closest one is about an hour away. And with my class schedule, it's hard to get an appointment for new patients. 
I don't have my car right now, because I put it in storage since insurance was getting to be too high. 
If anything, worse case scenario, I start getting all this VA crap figured out this summer, or as soon as I get my car back (that's the idea, or so I hope, that insurance will be a lot more affordable after the Spring Semester is over). It's also the lowest on my priority list after everything else I mentioned here, as it really doesn't affect my depression or mood.