09-17-16 04:23 AM

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MarioLucarioFan64

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Universal Contact – Chapter 1: The travel to Aeronother

“Hmm? What did you say? Video games? Ah yes... the great time I had video games... I always used to play them with my parents, my friends my... Well... Anyone. And only if I had time for them, that is. But I have a really, really weird journey behind me. It was all recently. Sit back, I’ll tell you everything! And I’m going to be honest in this, as long as my name’s Alana. So don’t worry!”

A young girl with blonde hair in a pink t-shirt and some blue jeans went downstairs in her house. She had a baseball bat from her brother in her hands, as she heard a lot of sounds from downstairs. She was around the corner, behind the wall of the living room. She peeked inside. No one. She looked around, but no one was there. Then, suddenly, a gun shot missed this girl by an inch. It came from underneath the table. She looked there and saw a person with a mask on. She whacked the baseball bat against him, but as soon as that happened, the lights were turned on. The girl looked behind her and there they were: Mom and the girl’s younger brother. And her baby sister was in her mom’s arms, crying because of the noises.
Mom: “A-Alana?”
Yes, the girl’s name was Alana. She was 18 years old and had blonde hair. And she had bright blue eyes, just like her mother. Alana had some problems with staying in her house or classroom, though. She was always energetic and was able to make friends easily. Sadly, her reputation was bad becausenot everyone wanted to be friends with her. That may be because her friends once gossiped on the internet about her and a boy from school. That they ‘liked’ each other. And the entire country could read it. Luckily, the website the friends gossiped on deleted the post... 4 months later. Anyway, Alana’s mom was surprised when she saw the man lying there. She was concerned about Alana, as she was next to the man.
Mom: “Did you... knock out this man?”
Alana: “Yep. You’re welcome.”
Mom: “But... He was a guest, and you knocked him out?!”
Alana now remembered that her mom let in a man who worked for the police. He was going to sleep over at Alana’s house. She didn’t knew this was him. She never saw him before.
Alana: “Wait, so this man was that guest?”
Mom: “Alana, go to your room. I don’t find this very funny.”
Alana’s mom went to the man and asked him if he was okay. He said ‘yes’, but Alana’s mom was still mad toward Alana, who left the living room and went upstairs. She closed the door. Alana was thinking why it always ends in a failure when she helps. She didn’t want to stay there anymore. She waited for everyone to go to their room. Meanwhile, she grabbed a suitcase and filled it with her clothes, toothbrush, brush and more. And finally, at 4:08 AM, everyone went to sleep again. Mom didn’t even check for Alana. Alana grabbed her chance and opened her door slowly and quietly. She grabbed her suitcase and turned off the lights. She went downstairs and opened the front door. But as soon as she took a step outside, that guest grabbed her arm and pulled her back. The man’s name was John.
John: “What in Earth’s name are you doing?! Mollie!!!”
Alana heard how John called her mother. Alana’s mom came downstairs.
John: “She tried to run away.”
Alana: “Wh-what?!”
Alana’s mom: “Alana, first you knocked out John and now you try to run away?! You’re in big trouble, young lady. This is not how I’ve raised you!”
Alana tried to wiggle herself free. She succeeded, and she dropped her suitcase and ran towards the bus stop in the distance.
Alana’s mom: “ALANA!!! COME BACK HERE, NOW!!!”
Alana ignored that and went to a place no one could find her. She knew there was a forest nearby, so she ran to the forest. She had no mercy for what she did. Well, of course she felt bad for knocking out her guest. But she was ashamed so badly... Anyway, she saw the forest gate was closed. But she knew a hole was in the fence, so she went there. She found it 3 minutes later, and went through the hole. Then, she went further in the forest. Looking for her secret base.
2 hours later...
Alana saw the sun was coming up. It was already getting morning. But she still haven’t found her secret base. Suddenly, she saw it. She saw it was destroyed badly. But... The way how it’s done... It’s only possible for something heavy to crush it like that.
???: “YOOOHOOOOO!!”
Alana suddenly heard an enthusiastic yell from above her. She looked up and saw a shade with the shape of a bodybuilder. It wasn’t a bodybuilder, though. It had a friendly, yet vague face. And something was hanging around its neck. What on Earth is that? It jumped on the ground and made a tiny earthquake. Well, not exactly: You could just feel it was landing. It went closer to Alana. And Alana was creeped out a bit now. She went backwards and bumped into something. It was just a tree, and Alana was scared of the creature. But the sun made it more clear: It had... brown fur? Alana saw that it was a gorilla with a tie. She sighed.
Alana: “Oof... It’s just a gorilla...”
???: “Just a gorilla?!”
Alana heard a voice from somewhere.
???: “Hey, I’m here.”
Alana: “Huh?”
Alana looked up, but saw nothing. She suddenly felt a poke in her belly. She looked down and it was the gorilla, who was inspecting Alana’s belt.
???: “Nah, I’m over here.”
Alana looked left. But again, no one.
???: “Haha! Nope, I’m here!”
Alana looked right and saw another shade. It was leaning against a tree. It looked wide and it had... Well... It wasn’t easy to describe it. But it looked like a... turtle? Alana was very confused.
Alana: “Who... are you two?”
The shade came out of the darkness. It was indeed a human-sized turtle. It had a blue bandage around its head. And it had two katana swords on its... shell.
???: “Ah, don’t worry. That’s Donkey Kong. He’s mostly friendly, but if you steal his banana’s... Geez...”
The gorilla looked around. It looked mad. It tried to tell the turtle with his hands to stay away from his banana’s.
???: “Haha! Don’t worry, DK. I’ll stay away from your banana’s. So... Young lady. Who are you? You seem unfamiliar to me.”
Alana suddenly grabbed a chance and tried to grab one of the turtle’s swords. But the turtle had a quick reflex and grabbed Alana’s arms.
???: “I don’t think you want to fight me. As far as my name’s Leonardo.”
Alana: “But...”
Leonardo: “Anyway, who are you?”
Alana: “My name’s Alana, but where do you guys come from? I must be dreaming...”
Alana hurt herself a bit in her arm.
Alana: “Ow!”
She looked up, but Donkey Kong and Leonardo were still there. Donkey Kong raised his arms, as well as Leonardo did.
Leonardo: “Listen up, Alana. I don’t know if you’re insane or weird, but one thing’s for sure: You need to get the Glitch out of here.”
Leonardo grabbed his swords. Donkey made fists from his hands. Alana didn’t saw why until she saw the same thing. There were twenty creatures in the distance. They had a blocky shape, had a shady face and had a hood over their head. And they had no legs, just... nothing? They looked like ghosts. They were twitching a bit, and if they did they transformed for a microsecond into thousands of immense light cubes. Alana had no idea what was happening. Leonardo jumped up in the sky and fought with the creatures using his two katana swords. Donkey Kong punched, slammed and squeezed them.
Leonardo: “Alana! There’s a bag here somewhere! Grab it!”
Alana had to do something for herself. She knew these guys were just costumes. That people pretended this happened. She decided to play the game too. She looked indeed for a bag, but didn’t find any bag.
Leonardo: “Ugh, the other way!”
Alana went the other way. She indeed saw a bag laying there. It was pretty big. She opened it. A lot of high-tech devices and other kinds of stuff were in there.
Leonardo: “Grab the Shade Exterminator 238!”
Alana: “The what?”
Leonardo: “Oh right, I forgot you were a human...”
Leonardo used both of his katana swords to push away a shady creature. He ran towards Alana and grabbed a cylinder-shaped device. He turned it on and there was a huge light coming from it. The creatures faded away. Donkey Kong was jumping in the air and clapping his hands above his head.
Leonardo: “Aah, we did it. At last.”
Alana coughed loudly. She wanted to get attention.
Leonardo: “Listen, Alana. You didn’t do a single thing. So the honor goes to us.”
Alana: “Well, I tried to help. I just don’t know these ‘devices’ you guys use for the show.”
Leonardo: “Show? What show?”
Alana pulled Leonardo’s face. She only stretched his face, but he didn’t wear a mask. Suddenly, Leonardo began to twitch the same way those shady creatures do.
Leonardo: “Hey, hey, HEY! Stop it!”
Leonardo grabbed Alana’s arm. He looked pretty mad.
Leonardo: “Trying to make me game over is something you’ll regret later on.”
He released Alana and turned around. He laid down another device. It was a flat plate with lights. It suddenly began to glow and there was a hole in the air above it. It opened up a portal. A big bird with a long beak and brown feathers came through the portal. It almost didn’t made it through, but still made it.
Leonardo: “Ever heard of Pokémon?”
Donkey Kong looked a bit happy at the bird. Alana looked at Leonardo.
Alana: “Of course I heard of it. I was a big fan of them when I was younger.”
Leonardo: “Well, now you can ride one. Fearow, if you don’t mind: We have another traveler.”
Alana: “Huh? Who’s the third one?”
Leonardo and Donkey Kong looked at Alana. They looked with a serious face.
Alana: “What? No! I’m not going!”
Donkey Kong turned around to Alana. He made a few signs with his hands and told her that the planet Earth will be dangerously damaged by someone from their world. Leonardo repeated what DK said and was shocked.
Leonardo: “DK! I never heard that from you before! Well... I never SAW that from you... Are you sure it’s correct?!”
Donkey Kong was shaking his head up and down to say yes.
Leonardo: “Holy Glitch! We need to warn the Elder One!”
Alana: “Wait!”
Leonardo: “No time for you now!”
Alana: “But I indeed will come. I’ve changed my mind.”
Leonardo: “Ugh, women... Okay, hop on.”
Aland sat behind Donkey Kong on the bird, who sat behind Leonardo.
Leonardo: “Okay, hold on on something. We’re going!”
Leonardo sprayed something on the bird. The bird was running towards an open spot in the forest and flew up in the sky. It was already day in the meantime. But then, once the bird flew towards the distance...
Alana: “Uh... Leonardo? Where are we going?”
Leonardo: “You’ll have to watch the surroundings before I answer.”
Alana looked around, but only saw the town she lives in. Suddenly, the town fades away and a landscape with pink grass and candy in it fades in. The trees were made from sugar floss. And one of the sugar floss trees was enormous, like 100 feet tall. Even more than that. There was an insanely huge treehouse in the tree and at the bottom of the tree was a village. The bird was landing on the grass, at a fair distance away from the village. Once it only touched the ground, Donkey Kong hopped off and ran to the treehouse.
Leonardo: “Hey, DK! I know you’re excited, but stay with me!”
Leonardo hopped off the bird too. Alana couldn’t believe it. As she fell off the bird, she was thinking: Wow... So beautiful...
Leonardo: “Well. Welcome to a faraway land we call ‘Aeronother’. Here, we live in peace. Here, we live in harmony. Actually, let’s skip that dialogue and let’s take a look in the village.”
Alana was confused. Aeronother? What in Earth’s name is Aeronother? Alana decided to stay with the giant ninja turtle Leonardo anyway. Leonardo went to the treehouse. 4 minutes of silence later, they’ve arrived in the village. A lot of citizens came out of their houses. And with citizens, I meant regular people that look like humans but are not humans, tiny creatures and animals.
Citizens: “Wow... He brought... A human? No way, a human? THE Leonardo and an Outsider?”
Alana felt uncomfortable. A lot of people were looking at her. Leonardo opened a wooden door in the enormous tree and went through it. Alana saw a lot of sorts of creatures in the treehouse: Human-like beings, tiny creatures like blobs, a human-sized fox... Wait. A fox? Leonardo went up to the fox.
???: “Well, well, well... Leonardo. You brought an Outsider here?”
Everyone was working hardly to bring papers, clean stuff, etc.. But now, they all suddenly stopped. They heard the fox saying that.
Leonardo: “Thank you, Fox. Now I get the attention again. Geez.”
Leonardo went on a platform. It had a few lights around it and a few buttons on the ground. Leonardo was whispering to Alana: “Don’t press these buttons...”
Leonardo: “Anyway, as Fox here already said: I indeed brought an Outsider here. She went with us to help us with our operation ‘Aeronother Rescue’.”
Alana was thinking with a shocked and angry face: Wait... I didn’t came here myself!
Leonardo: “She has something I can sense she has it. She might even have it very strong. But I think she has the Powers.”
Everyone gasped.
Alana: “Uh... Eh... Excuse me... But what exactly are those powers you told them about?”
Leonardo: “Fox McCloud, explain. You’re the smartest in those things here.”
Fox: “Well, Outsider, the Powers are strong powers that can only be sensed, used and even mentioned here. Powers are basically... well... We can’t describe it entirely, but the one describes it as a large energy beam, the other describes it as a vacuum wave.”
Alana was confused. Energy beam? Vacuum wave?
Fox: “And if Leonardo’s theory is right, then you have the Powers very strong.”
Someone walked towards Alana and inspected her. It was a male who was wearing a red-white cap and looked (when looking at his clothes) tough. His name was Red and he inspected Alana.
Red: “I don’t think she can handle it. But hey, I’m only 195 years. I can’t know that well.”
Alana: “Wow.”
Red heard that. She was actually walking away, but returned and went up to Alana.
Red: “If you find my age so impressive, then what’s yours?! Huh?!”
Alana: “...18 years...”
Red looked at Leonardo.
Red: “Leo, what in the name of Glitch did you do?”
Leonardo: “Huh?”
Red went up to Leonardo.
Red: “You took a stupid and weird Outsider with us, you mess up the schedule of the Master, you always go after women you don’t even know and you even spy on your enemies without letting us know... And you say “Huh”?!”
Leonardo: “Who in this treehouse uses weird creatures to fight with, always wears the same clothes every single Glitching day, beats up the innocent people out there and buys weird sprays that are supposed to be ‘medicine’?! You do, Red. So don’t make me mad. Ever.”
Red was about to attack Leonardo.
Red: “Grr, you...”
???: “ENOUGH!”
Everyone was silent. Red, Leonardo, Fox... Everyone in that room looked at the doorway that leads to another room. A person was standing there, holding his hands behind him. He went up to Red and Leonardo. His face was clear now: He had black, medium-sized hair, his hair was pointing backwards. He looked like a 45-year old male and was wearing odd but tough-looking clothes. His pants were made of cotton and were wide at the bottom, and he had a bandage around his hand. A black one.
Leonardo: “Master... Sorry to...”
Master ???: “I don’t accept that now, Leonardo. You and Red have no clue what just happened: You two are fighting, and meanwhile... An Outsider is here. Why don’t you two just take that Outsider to my room? Then we’ll be good. Understood?”
Leonardo/Red: “Yes, Master...”
The man asked Alana to follow him. Alana did so and they went to the back of a long hallway. There, a room with an office desk and a bunch of books are there. It looks like a library, but it’s not.
Master ???: “Sit down.”
Alana sat down on... Wait, there were no chairs. The desk was pretty low, though.
Master ???: “Sit down.”
Alana: “Oh, right. Sorry, I was... *ahem*”
Alana sat on the ground. At the desk, with that man.
Master ???: “So... Tell me your name.”
Alana: “Well, my name is Alana...”
Master ???: “Hello, Alana. How old are you in human years?”
Alana: “18 years...”
Master ???: “Hmm... That’s 234 years here. And do you have any idea what is going on?”
Alana: “Well, not exactly. I do know you guys need me... Or something.”
Master ???: “It’s half true we need you. You see, we need a certain force you contain. Everyone in this multiverse has a special power they only can use in another multiverse. And it is the same way if you reverse it. However, some people, like you and me, have that force from someone else and from themselves, meaning that some people have... nothing.”
The Master went towards a window that gave him a sight over the entire landscape. There was a forest with regular leaves as we know them, next to the environment they were in now.
Master ???: “But recently, a lot of things go terribly wrong: volcanoes erupt way too fast, hurricanes come too quickly... And earthquakes become stronger each time they come. We don’t know why it happens, but all we know is that the oldest person of Aeronother knows what is happening. And we know that someone is stealing the powers of ancient crystals.”
Alana: “What? Ancient crystals? What’s so special about that, if I’m allowed to ask?”
Master ???: “Of course you may ask. But those crystals are 8 crystals we call ‘Destiny’s crystals’. It had that name because a long time ago, a goddess named Destiny came to Aeronother and gave us those crystals. Only the one who could find them all would receive immense powers. But if you wanted to find one them, you had to get past the 7 guardians. They all had help from the crystals itself, becoming very strong and almost impossible to beat.”
Alana: “But... 7 guardians... 8 crystals... Who guards the 8th one, then?”
Master ???: “I knew you were going to say that. I lied. There are 8 guardians and 8 crystals, all eight getting protected by those guardians. I just want to check if you were listening carefully, as that tells a lot about your skills.”
Alana: “So... What do I need to do now?”
The Master turned around. He was looking at Alana.
Master ???: “I’ll train you.”
Alana: “Wh-what? Train me?”
Master ???: “Yes. I even trained Leonardo and 2 other characters here to fight in this world. Now, what you first need to know is that this training is every Monday, Tuesday... Actually every day, at 10:00 AM to 19:00 PM. So please come at that spot over there in time.”
The Master pointed at a huge platform where a lot of training material was. Alana said okay and looked at her watch. It was 8:00 AM. Of course, that was because of her time on Earth. How is her family doing?
Alana: “So... We start now, or...”
Master ???: “Yes. Follow me.”
The Master went out of his room and Alana went up to follow him. They went to the balcony and started to practice fighting techniques. The master showed her how to crouch in a fighting stance. Her eyebrows furrowed in concentration. "Come attack me," he said. She accepted his challenge. And so, they began training the important and basic techniques.

To be continued...

Hey hey hey, guys. MLF64 here. If you like this story, I’ll make more of these! And if you got the feeling I didn’t came up with this myself, well... I indeed came up with this all by myself. Just something more different and friendly than my series ‘The Alternative Stories’. That’s what I wanted to test. So whoever likes this story, likes this post! (Or don’t, it’s up to you!)

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09-17-16 08:46 AM

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It's not bad. It's pretty good. I have two thoughts about it.

1. What in God's name are friendly and dangerous eyes? That doesn't make sense to me. Try using a different explanation if you can. Maybe, "The big soft eyes flashed with inner strength," or something like that. The same goes with the other description. Don't tell us, show us. "She's blonde." Yeah, okay, that's fine and all. "She brushed her hair until it flashed like spun gold in the light." That shows me more.

2. That last sentence, where they begin practicing fighting techniques.... No, don't do that.

"The master showed her how to crouch in a fighting stance. Her eyebrows furrowed in concentration. "Come attack me," he said. She accepted his challenge."

Aaaaaaaand scene!

See the difference?

Keep working. It's good. I'm interested to be shown what happens next.

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09-17-16 08:59 AM

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MarioLucarioFan64

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Ghostbear1111 : I will edit it now. Thanks for the feedback!

And 'friendly and dangerous eyes' is a term probably no one would know. So i'll change that as well.

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09-17-16 09:06 AM

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No, no, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying my way is better or you need to change this. You should ultimately be writing for you for your happiness. I'm giving you my observations and my experience, no more. You don't have to make the changes if you don't want to. In fact, if you want me to read and give you the good points and avoid the bad points, I'll do that.

This isn't a school project. I'm not a teacher. You don't have to change anything. But if you work on trying to 'show' instead of 'tell' you're going to have more fun writing. You'll challenge yourself and learn to write better and make something out of the skill of putting words together so other people are touched emotionally. That's the game.

Keep writing. It's good. Don't feel like you have to change anything. It's for you.

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MarioLucarioFan64

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Ghostbear1111 : Well, your tips were brilliant! So i took your advice.

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Universal Contact - Chapter 1

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Universal Contact - Chapter 1

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