Ever wonder about life and just... Think about it I guess, dunno. Been trying to find something that would inspire me, something to ignite from inside, something that goes "Bam! Right in your face!" Type of way. I can't force myself to be inspired, it has to come out of nowhere and gives me something to give interest... Maybe I'm self loathing or being too hard on myself, maybe it's karma getting back to me after all the years of just being bitter and spiteful towards most people I met in life. Maybe I'm just unlucky but it's nothing, people get down in the dumps sometimes.

Last month I almost burnt down the job I work in by accident, the Air Force rejected me due to my history of asthma, I received some moderate injuries from a bike ride (I wasn't paying attention to the path and my mind had so much to think), I feel like my efforts aren't good enough when I'm stuck in a rut. Drawing was a huge part of my life as a teen, now I rarely do it (dunno why). I just feel like I need that surprise to get me up and running again. I really got no one to ramble to anymore and been trying ways to express the frustration built up inside. I am starting to have a dislike towards people and how selfish life can be. People are selfish, I know. I'm selfish but there's always a border between the lenient and overboard and most are quite overboard.

I'm just sitting on the couch just thinking about my next plans to go further in life. I am a grown man who likes the simple things in life, I want to succeed, I want to go farther, I want to be happy. Who doesn't? I know it's very unlikely to actually gain such goals cause we're human beings, we want more right? There's never an ending but there is too much. I just want my life to go with little obstacles as there is, nothing else.... I have feelings, I do care, I am human.

Few (including me) don't show such feelings to most people because those people formed an opinion on us before even meeting. I don't want to waste my time on such dense minds, I don't care what they think. If they have the effort to talk to me and know me, sure I'll open a bit and show some emotion.

Basically all this random rambling is about how I don't like the situation I am right now but I accept it. Life is quite unexpected in a bad way and I don't like the way my surroundings are or how I am atm. So cheers to life and the people.

Usually when people hit the kind of blocks that you have, it's best to just take a break from life in general. The best thing is to relax for a bit and try not to do anything to let your mind clear so that when you start trying to do the things you're mentioning, then its easier to get things done.

This is probably the worst part of life, when it seems everything goes wrong and when trying to find what to do next seems impossible

I sometimes find myself dwelling on thoughts like these. Usually whenever that happens, I pray to god for answers. Perhaps you should, too. Best of luck.

What kind of things have you been trying to inspire yourself? Travelling? Reading thought provoking books? Sky diving? Etc.. As for feeling in a rut, the idea of shaking things up isn't bad. It's one thing I do when I'm feeling low at times.

As for people sucking because of being too selfish in your eyes, I hope you have a few decent people to spend time with; whether it be friends or family. If not, while you're trying those activities to inspire yourself, maybe you'll come across some awesome people? (I hope me trying to find a silver lining isn't too annoying!)

With your military options run dry, do you have any idea about what your next steps will be? I really had to re evaluate my own life after the Marines rejected me due to my bad eyesight. (which was 20/20 with my contacts darn it!) I had worked for a year and a half to meet their physical standards only to have my dreams crushed at MEPS (their processing station). It took quite some time to find a path in life that could potentially satisfy most of my professional desires. I went to a career counselor to try to help me see what I really wanted to do with my life. It helped me in ways, are there any resources like that where you're living? It never hurts to get the opinion of someone outside of your situation.

As for how you interact with others, that's your right to put up defenses. If you've experienced a lot of frustration due to their prejudices or poor first impressions, that's understandable. I usually have a chipper exterior to make social interactions go more smoothly. There's not much depth to it, but if they don't matter/don't care or I will only know them a short amount of time before they leave my life, then that's the version of me they get.  When we both make the effort and life brings us together, then I slowly come out of my shell. 

As for what I got out of your whole post, the impression I'm left with is that you're feeling helpless and sad/depressed.  First off, I'm sorry you're in a slump. Second, it never hurts to plan and dream. Write a list for your short term and long term goals. Doing that made me feel a little more in control when life got me down (in numerous ways). Seeking out help, like that career counselor who gave me perspective, is a good way to work towards something better.

All in all, I wish you the best in climbing out of your rut. Feel free to chat/pm me if you feel like reaching out to a random stranger on the Internet!

Friends, I try to stay away from them but I don't want them to think anything is wrong. I try to act how I usual act around them and not to show my true self atm. I'm not the type of person to express feelings to friends no matter how close they are in realize life. Inspiration, just need to find something that amazes me. I want it to come when least expected...

Everyone is selfish, it's a fact. Again, a border of lenient and overboard when it comes to it and most are overboard, so am I. Just the self loathing and such isn't working out well either.

What's there to plan? What's there to dream? I really can't escape the rut when it consists of me working from 10-10 and insuccessful sleeps (2-5 hours of sleep this week I don't know) and have to repeat the cycle again.

Just ready to stare at a wall I guess. Think for a bit.