So many things have been happening in my life. This isn't going to be about that, but another sort of "state of the union", whereas it pertains to Vizzed.

Unless you've been under a rock... you know all the moderators are fired. David bit the bullet, pulled the trigger, and got rid of a staff that has received mixed reviews over the years. I couldn't tell you who was demoted, because frankly, I haven't paid close enough attention over the past 2 years. I know Vanelan and Yuna were demoted, but I have no clue who the locals were.

Not the point.

I think it's pretty disappointing, for lack of a better word, that this whole situation has come to a mass demoting of all the moderators. I understand what David hopes to convey, but I wonder if the message is being lost in translation. I've worked for David in the past, I've worked with him. I know how it can feel to butt heads with the owner, especially when things need to get done. I worry that whoever is "elected" in this election isn't really prepared for that.

I've been anything but cagey regarding my experiences as a global in the past, but here's what your responsibility as a global probably is in the current age of Vizzed:

1. You are responsible for moderating ALL of the site, and making sure spam, flaming, trolling, and baiting are all appropriately dealt with in a quick and concise manner. This means that if a user breaks the rules, you have to put your foot down, and deal with it, asap, not over the course of a month.

2. You are responsible for finding ways to boost the activity of the site, and effectively, make your own job harder. A global doesn't rest in the conventional sense. When you are actively doing the role David is hiring for, you are expected to be doing everything you can, to drive up activity. This may not be how globals on other sites deal with things, but it IS how a global is supposed to do things here, apparently.

3. Your job is to communicate effectively. Not just with David (which brings its own challenges), but also with your fellow globals, and ESPECIALLY your local moderators, the same locals who will apparently be voting you in. If you communicate properly, you can overcome a lot of hurdles that are otherwise unclearable. The best mod teams are just that, teams. That's why I have some reservation about making this an election. I'm not entirely sure a group of elected mods will be able to work together that well.

4. This ties into communication, but know your role, and your expectations. Without clearly defined expectations, it's easy to settle into stagnation and complacency, which is something that has doomed mods from the beginning of time. Not just the past mod team, but any mod team prior, and myself, as well, at some points. This requires the ability to be honest about yourself, and others, and to not hold a subjective lens to performance. It requires the ability to step back, look at everything through an objective lens, and understand what needs to be done to get from point A to point B.

5. You are expected to be around. This means most every day, if not every day. Being around every day gives the community the impression you care about this site deeply. And if you are applying to be a moderator, I would argue that you HAVE to care about this site deeply, or you are completely wasting your time, especially now. If you do not care about this site, and seeing it succeed, do not apply, because you will only get in the way of progress.

6. You are expected to interact with the community. This one is the single most important one, in my opinion. Bugger all to everything else. You can be an awful moderator and let spam go unchecked, fail to respond to private messages from other staff, and basically ignore David, but you will be a great moderator if you can interact with the community, and treat them as your equal. When you are a global, you are David's eyes and ears. You are the voice of the community to David. This means that you need to understand the community, and this is probably where the current situation arose, if I had to take a guess. You need to properly convey the wishes and the hopes of the community to David in a way that David understands. You need to be a mediator for hundreds of people to a singular person.

This may sound like an awful lot, but these are all things you must do as a global moderator in today's Vizzed, in my opinion (for whatever that's worth, I haven't been one in multiple years).

You are electing moderators, but more importantly, you are electing community liasons. I ask you, do not just "vote for your friends", as touching as that may be in the name of friendship. Instead, I ask you to vote for the best communicators, who are most able to communicate with David, and interact with the community. Choose people who are going to take the job seriously, and work every day to improve the site.

That's all for now.

I felt the cold breeze sweep over me as I landed on the frozen grass of my island. Ah~ At last... I dropped Nirvana on the ground and fell backwards, closing my eyes and letting the icy wind nip at my bare hands and feet. Above me, I could see my breath mixing with the brightly-colored bits of confetti that had begun to fall with the snowflakes and I smiled in spite of the bitter cold. For some reason, I felt like laughing. Not a bitter laugh, a truly happy laugh... And for some reason, I was unbelievably excited.

A new start...? I certainly hope so. I'd already given my 30-day notice weeks ago and I'd worn out my boots at some point while walking around with the leaking can of fuel until even that ran out too. At some point, a bonfire had begun on the ground but it had taken what felt like forever to ignite...

Whatever helped to momentarily stop the roar of silence I guess. When one can hear the empty kingdom, it's usually too late.

Now, the scent of burning wood wafted up until I sat up to view the charred bridges crumbling in the distance.

What will take their places? New bridges or broken bits of debris?

I squinted to see the figures of Rin and the Melody Lady near the bonfire. Earlier, Rin had been rushing about everywhere but now she sat quietly on top of her D.Va mech, hugging her knees to her chest. The fire reflected in her eyes until she buried her face in her arms. The Melody Lady, who was sitting right beside Rin, was trying to comfort her but Rin shook her head.

"It's just the smoke..." Rin turned her head so that the Melody Lady wouldn't see the streaks of silver that were running down her cheeks. Rin's shoulders, which had held up everything for so long with incredible strength suddenly started to shake until she jumped off the mech and picked up a flamethrower.

Even at a time like this, Rin continued to carry out her missions perfectly. Now the question is, who else is qualified to become the Bad Cop? For the duo to work, there always has to be a Bad Cop. Always.

I touched a hand to my aching heart and noted that Rin was probably feeling something similar but on a much grander scale. So many sleepless nights... So many discussions before, during and after work, even while playing in Overwatch! I can't even imagine her pain by this point.

With one final, furious motion, Rin threw her flamethrower with all her might into the bonfire and began to stride purposefully back towards her mech with the Melody Lady.

It was time.

I pressed a button on my Timepiece and Rin turned around. I saluted her and she silently nodded before climbing into her D.Va mech with the Melody Lady. I stood and watched as the mech took off and faded into the distance.

♫ Some hundred million stars vanishing...
I saw them fade,
Waved goodbye,
And said, "Good for you~" ♫

♫ These days that could vanish like some hundred million dreams...
I saw them fade,
Waved goodbye,
And said, "Thank you~" ♫

So I've spent a lot of time over the last few years with a friend of mine where we would hang out on about a weekly basis. We had a night dedicated to the 2 of us hanging out. We spent a lot of time talking about various sorts of things. Religion, politics, personal lives, sports, entertainment. Anything and everything that we could talk about we talked about. The more we talked the more and more convinced I became that the state of the world is very nearly doomed. I just don't see a way back from all the insanity going on currently.

I'm not saying I want it to be this way. I'm not a pessimist at all but more of a realist. The more I learn about the world and the way things are done and the choices people make the more I'm convinced that humans will be the death of themselves. Maybe not full on human extinction or anything silly like that but I think at some point we are going to really ruin things for ourselves. Too often I see choices being made that have very little self interest for humanity and only self interest for one or a handful of people. So many things are done that from my perspective will be counter productive in the long run.

I guess I don't understand the mentality that shapes the world anymore. We're governed by leaders that don't seem to give a crap about the people that they govern. So many decisions don't make any sense and cause more problems than they solve. And then we vote in some new people to make even more bad decisions. And when they decide they are done in government they get lots of money to either retire and get a pension or petition the connections they made in government on behalf of a big company to make even more money. And all at the expense of the people who generally do most of the work.

Don't get me wrong.... I'm not a socialist or a communist. I am anti multi-national corporation... ist? I definitely recognize the contribution capitalism has made to the standard of living of most people in the world. However, I think we've let capitalism get away from us to the point where making money is more important than anything else. We expect people to nearly work themselves to death and the people at the top keep most of the money.

It just seems wrong to me.

This post will likely be all over the place, so if there's anyone out there that actually decides to read this, be prepared.

So as I've mentioned a bunch of times, I've worked as a counselor at a summer camp the past three summers, and I love it. I have two bosses, both of which I've known for years, and both of which are generally good guys. My main boss is usually pretty easygoing and tries to make sure his employees are happy. My secondary boss is super friendly, always goes out of his way to talk to us and get to know us, and has invited me and some of my coworkers to his house before to hang out. For the most part I like both of them, but sometimes they piss me off. There have been two instances in particular that have really gotten on my nerves.

The first occurred two summers ago. I was the counselor for the 3 through 6 year olds. It was my second year in a row with that age group, so I had a pretty good idea of how to handle them. Most groups only have 2 counselors, one male and one female, but since they are so young, we had four counselors. The four counselors that year were me, my brother, and two girls that I'm still really good friends with. If I said everything went 100% smooth I'd be lying. I was the only one that had been a counselor before, the other three were all first-timers. My brother had some experience since he was a counselor-in-training for two years. The two girls didn't have any experience. We did struggle a little in the beginning, I will admit, but nothing major. For the most part the kids were kept safe, and were happy. The mistakes were small things, like allowing one camper to run into an area they weren't supposed to be while focusing on other campers. We weren't perfect, but we did well enough.

One thing we're supposed to do as counselors is fill out a daily report form every day. On this report form we need to list every camper that is present at camp that day, and some information about them, including who their friends seem to be, if they had any injuries or medical issues, what their favorite adjectives were, if they sat out of any activities, and so on. There is also a "notes" box at the end, where we are supposed to list any additional information or issues that occurred that day. He always emphasized that he wants us to be specific and list anything we can think of, so I did.

That year we had a camper named Jose (not his real name, but he was Hispanic, and that will become an important detail later) who caused a lot of problems. He wasn't a bad kid, but he had a lot of energy, and he would always let it out in ways that weren't appropriate, such as screaming at other campers or getting physical with them. He wouldn't listen at all, and any time you would try to talk to him about his behavior or something he did wrong, he would look away from you and ask random questions to try to change the subject. He did something wrong almost every day, so I would always write it on the report form. I wasn't complaining, but my boss said to write everything down, so I did. If he did something particularly bad, we would tell our boss at the end of the day, and he would always come up with an excuse for the kid, and try to tell us something we should be doing differently, like it was our fault.

I don't know why my boss loved Jose so much, but one day I guess he had enough of us documenting the things he did (like we were told to). Every morning before camp starts we have a meeting, and on this particular day he decided that the topic of the meeting was how horrible of a job the four of us were doing. He ripped on us in front of everyone, claiming that we were treating Jose unfairly, and discriminating against him. He didn't mention anything about Jose being Hispanic, but I'm not entirely sure if that was part of what he was getting at, but I suspected it might be. He went on to say that we wrote something down about Jose putting his hands on someone, but that he saw Sally (another one of our campers, not her real name) tugging on my arm and we didn't mention that at all. Apparently to him the difference between the two situations was that one was Jose, and the other was Sally, and we simply had a double standard. In reality, the difference was that Jose was hitting other campers, while Sally was hugging my arm because she likes me. After he was done trashing us for a solid twenty minutes, he said that he would be traveling with us from activity to activity for the day, presumably to show us all the things we were doing wrong.

When the meeting finally broke, I exploded. It was probably one of the angriest moments of my life. One of my female co-counselors has told me numerous times since then that I scared the crap out of her, because she had never seen me get mad like that before.

My boss went with us to football in the morning, which was our first activity. He showed us a bunch of stupid gimmicks he wanted us to do, like chanting "hut two three four" when we walk. The campers were all perfectly behaved when he was there, which had everything to do with the fact that they were scared of him because he was the director, and nothing to do with the stupid s*** he suggested we do. It's like when the principal walks into the classroom and suddenly everyone is silent. Same thing. He got a call that he was needed in the office, and fortunately he didn't follow us around the rest of the day. He didn't leave us alone, though. He sent someone to watch us from a distance at every activity we went to, as if we wouldn't notice. It was one of the most infuriating and humiliating days of my life, and I still haven't completely forgiven him for it.

The second instance occurred last summer. I was with the middle school kids, ages 11 to 13. I was upset about this at first, but I quickly grew to love the group. From the beginning of week two I could tell that one of my female campers (we'll call her Amy) had a crush on one of the male campers (who we'll call Ryan. Yes, the same Ryan from this post. My co-counselor disagreed at first, but admitted a few hours later that I was right. The Wednesday of week three Ryan left to go on a family trip to Europe for two and a half weeks, so at the end of the day I went up to Amy and asked her how her day was without him. She was a little taken aback, as expected, and responded "Why are you asking me that?" After some cryptic back-and-forth conversation she eventually admitted that they had started dating that Monday, but told me not to tell anyone, as she wanted to keep it a secret. I kept my promise, and didn’t tell anyone (including my co-counselor) for weeks until everyone started to find out one way or another.

Amy talked with me a lot about Ryan during the time he was in Europe. She asked me for advice, told me about the things he was doing on his trip, told me about how they planned to hold hands on the bus when he got back, and so on. I was the only adult that knew about their relationship, and she trusted me more than any of the other staff members. In addition to regular day camp, the camp I work at also offers a travel camp for kids going into 6th, 7th, or 8th grade. A lot of my campers, including Amy and Ryan, would go on some of the trips with the travel camp, and therefore wouldn’t be with me every day. One of the trips, which was scheduled to occur during week six (after Ryan came back from Europe) was to a water park. Amy insisted that I should ask my boss if I could go on the water park trip with them. I knew the reason she wanted me to go was because she knew I would let her and Ryan go on all the rides together, and she wouldn’t have to worry about me "catching" them holding hands or whatever, because I already knew. I couldn’t tell my boss that was the reason, though. So when I asked him, I told him I didn’t know why she wanted me to go, but she seemed very adamant about it - and I suppose that was my first mistake.

My secondary boss happened to be standing next to my boss when I asked him. Upon hearing this, he made the totally rational assumption that Amy had a crush on me and wanted me on the trip so she could see me in a swimsuit. I tried to tell him that I was pretty certain that wasn’t the case, but he was convinced. He warned to be very careful around her, and to never go anywhere with her alone. (My boss didn’t let me go on the water park trip, but it was because I didn’t have the required CPR training, not because he thought something was going on with Amy).

I didn’t really listen to my second boss' warning, and continued to go about my job the way I normally would. I knew myself and I knew my campers, and I knew nothing concerning or out of the ordinary was going on.

Fast forward to week six. Our color war week had just ended. In other words, I had just finished an entire week of dressing in ridiculous red costumes and screaming cheers at the top of my lungs to get the campers excited and involved, and was acknowledged by my boss at the end of it with a superstar award. Week six is when evaluations occur, and they are done by my secondary boss, as well as the "camper coordinator". My evaluation went well. I was asked if I had any suggestions for them and was told I was doing a great job. However, before I got up to leave, my second boss told me there was one thing he needed to talk to me about. He reiterated that I need to be careful around Amy. He said he saw me talking to her alone the previous week, and he doesn’t want that to happen again. I explained to him that I pulled her aside to talk to her about a private issue that was happening with her and a few of the other girls in the group, and that in order to do my job I needed to talk to her by herself, but he didn't seem to care. He had it ingrained in his mind that there was some kind of "inappropriate relationship" going on between me and Amy, and nothing I said was going to change that. (It’s worth noting that my primary boss never mentioned anything about it to me, and didn’t seem to think it was a big deal.)

Around that same time we had a new girl in our group, who I’ll refer to as Mary. Mary was a really sweet girl, and she was a big hugger. She even gave me a hug on her first day I believe, when I barely knew her. I think we’re technically not supposed to let the campers hug us, but how am I supposed to yell at someone for doing something nice like that? My personal policy has always been to never be the one to initiate a hug with a camper, but if they hug me, it's fine. Mary was the only one to hug me week six, and it wasn't seen as an issue. Then came week seven.
The Monday of week seven my boss removed me from my normal group and told me to run soccer for the day instead. This wasn’t a punishment, he did it each day during weeks seven and eight with all of the college-age counselors to see if they might want to do that next year instead of being assigned to a group. I had a short break in my schedule in the morning while waiting for the next group to come to soccer, so I walked over to the water slide - where my group was - to say hi to everyone. All of a sudden a group of three or four of my campers (including Amy) come running towards me. They’re all soaked from the waterslide, and they wrap me up in a big group hug to get me wet too. They continued to hug me for the rest of the week, often while saying the phrase "Tommy nooooo" for some reason. Some of them, including Amy, hugged my (female) co-counselor as well. I probably should have stopped them, but to me it really wasn't a big deal.

Fast forward to week eight, aka my last week of camp before returning to college. Monday is our Gaga Ball Tournament day, so the entire camp is lined up to play in a king-of-the-hill style tournament. Amy hugged me during the tournament, like all of the campers had been doing the previous week. I actually told her to stop that time, because I knew my secondary boss was in the room. After the tournament we moved out to our next activity, which was arts and crafts. Shortly after we arrived, both of my bosses show up and my secondary boss says he needs to talk to me. I get up and look at my boss and he says "I don’t need to talk to you, [second boss’s name] does." I follow the assistant director into another room, and he starts talking about how he witnessed something "uncomfortable" and "completely unacceptable" this morning. He was talking about Amy hugging me, of course. To him, it had confirmed what he already believed to be fact. I will admit that Amy did hug me more frequently than the other campers, but she was far from the only one doing it. He went on and on about it for what felt like forever, bringing up her asking me to go on the water park trip and saying that I "shouldn’t have even entertained the idea", and saying that he always sees us alone together, which is just flat-out untrue. He also mentioned how he had to fire an employee at the camp he used to work at for having inappropriate relationships with campers. The only two things he actually cited as problems was talking to her by herself and the hugging, both of which also apply not only to most of the other campers in the group, but also to most of the other counselors and their relationships with their campers. In fact, most of the female counselors initiate hugs with their campers, something I never do.

I returned to the arts and crafts classroom visibly pissed off. I wanted to scream, or punch something, or scream while punching something, but I managed to keep it in. I knew everything I did for the rest of the summer, especially if it related to Amy, would be under intense scrutiny. How was I supposed to explain to my campers why they can’t hug me anymore? How was I supposed to do my job if I can’t even talk to one of my campers (because talking to Amy was literally one of the things I apparently did wrong)? Why is building relationships with my campers, something that was stressed as an important thing to do during orientation, now a bad thing? How did he even get this stupid idea in his head in the first place? Would he think the same way if I was a woman?
Shortly after coming back my campers began to notice I was upset. They tried to guess why, but they didn't even come close. Why would they? It’s not something that would even cross their mind, because it’s such a non-issue. I was tempted to tell them, or at least to tell Amy, but I knew that was a bad idea. They figured out it had something to do with hugging, because when one of them tried to hug me, I told them sternly "Don’t hug me or I’ll get fired." They were fairly upset by it, and thought it was stupid. I can only imagine how upset they would be if they knew the full story. Throughout my last week I had to say something to the effect of "don’t hug me or I’ll get fired" at least ten times, to at least six different campers. I probably would have been fine if anyone other than Amy hugged me, but I had to be consistent.

The most infuriating part was that, in my opinion, if I was a woman none of this would have happened. It wouldn’t have even been on my second boss's radar. A camper asking a female counselor to go on the water park trip would mean that they trust that counselor or think that counselor is fun, but for me it meant that they have a crush on me. A female counselor talking to a camper privately would mean that she’s resolving an issue, but for me it meant that I was flirting or something. A female counselor getting hugs from her campers would mean she is likeable and does her job well. For me it's "uncomfortable" and "completely inappropriate". Regardless of the gender of the camper, no one would accuse a female counselor in the same position as I was of doing anything wrong. I know because it happens every day at the same camp, and nothing is said. However, because I was born with a penis and a Y chromosome, developing relationships with my campers is inappropriate and must mean I want to molest them.

That Friday, my last day at camp, was our "Graduation Day". All the counselors came up with awards for the campers, and presented them in front of the entire camp. When Mary’s award was announced and she came up to get her certificate, she hugged me and my co-counselor. I assumed this would be fine, as this seemed like an appropriate time to hug someone, if there is one in my second boss’s eyes. It’s also worth noting that he wasn’t there that day, only my boss was. One or two other campers hugged me and my co-counselor when they came up as well. When Amy was announced she grabbed her certificate, said "Tommy nooooo", hugged me, then walked right past my co-counselor. I’m not sure what her motive was for it. My assumption is that she was trying to make a statement, which I appreciate, even though that definitely wasn’t the right way to go about it and only strengthened the case against me. I’m just glad the assistant director wasn’t there to see it.

Additional note that pisses me off even more about the second situation: There was a counselor-in-training at camp that summer that was actually trying to get with my campers. His name was Paul (his actually name, because he's a creep and a pedophile so f*** him.) He was 16 years old, and repeatedly hit on my 12 and 13 year old campers. It started with one camper, who we'll call Maria. I noticed during a game of European Handball he was talking to Maria the entire game, and would only pass the ball the her. At the end of the day, he gave her his ice pop (not a euphemism, fortunately.) The following week I was talking to Maria and Paul started to walk by and she said to me "Ugh I hate that guy, he kept flirting with me." Apparently she shut him down, because the rest of the summer he was all over Amy instead. My co-counselor told my boss about the situation. You know what he did? He hired him to work at camp this upcoming summer. That's right, I was on the brink of being fired because my campers like me and trust me, but an actual pedo gets hired.

Well, that's it. Rant over. Feels good to get this out.

Last year, I experienced a personal change that totally turned around my life. I haven’t been able to properly understand it just yet, so it’s been hard for me to talk about it, but sooner or later I had to let it off my chest, and that day has come.

For nearly a decade (or more, I can hardly tell the exact time), I had thought the door to my heart was closed. I considered myself unable to love, despite the fact I firmly believed in bonds and I’ve experienced how much they can boost me. I imagined that I’d have to feel something different, that instead of being lost in my own thoughts I had to have someone on my head all time.

All of this was proven wrong one day. Because, despite not being able to believe it at first, I fell in love. I don’t yet know why it happened, but it happened, and way before I could even realize it. In a matter of a few months, I went from being a lone wolf to having found someone very special to me.

The person I fell in love with was one of the girls in the voice acting course we took. The first day, she already took a liking to me as we shared a portion of the travel once we finished the first class. It was the first time I saw myself talking to a girl for so long (well, more listening than talking, because of my shy nature), and it would soon mature into much more than mere acquaintances despite seeing each other just in the weekly classes.

We reached the summer break as good friends, chatting everyday and talking about everything. We met one day during that break, and we spent a handful of hours just talking on a bench. None of us wanted to leave, and I started to feel attached to her, even if I couldn’t yet realize it.

Upon resuming classes, things escalated very soon. We chatted like always, but started hanging out more, both before classes started and after they ended. She always had good words for me, which reached to my heart and eventually allowed me to socialize more. I could feel I was losing my shyness, slowly becoming my true self, and I made it my goal to fully come out of my shell before the course ended.

And then, during one of our usual chats, I still don’t know how it turned out like that, but she made me acknowledge my true feelings for her. The door to my heart was opened without me realizing it, and she had become its owner. But what shocked me the most, was that I felt exactly the same as before, just thinking more about her than before but nothing else.

However, this girl has had a boyfriend for nearly a year now. I’m special for her because she saw some things of her boyfriend in me, which I admit are true. She’s still very lovely with me, not because she’s toying with me, but rather because she wants me to come out of my shell and feel confident about myself. Also, she knows that I play fair and I fully know my place, I won’t ever attempt to have her break up with her boyfriend if she’s happy with him in her life and he’s not someone she should stay away from.

We’ve gone on as “more than friends” for a few months now, but last December, right before Christmas, we saw each other for the last time as the classes ended. We still chatted through the holidays and on through this month, and we finally met again last week with our small group to talk about what actions to take in the future.

When the reunion was over, we two spent the afternoon and night together with another guy, one of the funniest hangouts I’ve ever had because he’s not of our town and was overhyped when we brought him to the most famous anime store in here. We even had dinner together before he took the train home, while I accompanied the girl to the underground as I had to take another line further ahead.

While we waited for the other guy to take the train, just in case something happened because it was the last train and some issues tend to happen, I suddenly felt anxious. After nearly a month, I was alone with the girl that stole my heart. I felt like hugging her very close, maybe even kiss her on the cheek (I’ve never been able to do that to her even as a goodbye, and not even that day). Something was so off in me, and for those moments (and a brief moment during the dinner that we were alone) I did feel different than ever, close to what I had imagined.

Ultimately, and even though she would have accepted the hug, I couldn’t get myself to do it. I was blocked at this sudden surge within me, so I opted to control myself and just keep talking as we waited. I know I’ll have a better chance if we ever meet in a less public place, a meeting which is bound to happen sooner or later.

We met again yesterday with the group to keep the talks, and once again we two departed together. Just like the first time, we took the underground to where she had to connect with another train. I didn’t feel like last week for a variety of reasons, so we simply hugged as farewell like we always do and promised to keep on chatting until we met again.

While I could post this in Your Forum for feedback, I already know what I have to do. I will keep cherishing this relationship and see where it takes me to. I know that one day I’ll have to cut ties a bit with her, unless she breaks up by herself with her boyfriend I’ll eventually fly away to find another possible owner of my heart, now that I know it’s not as impossible as I deemed it.

Also, one day I’ll have to understand why I fell in love with her. It could perfectly be because of her personality, but it could be just me falling for the first girl that dared to reach her hand to me. If it’s not the latter, then I’ll have to see if it’s really a person like her what I’m looking for, because despite our good relationship we have very few things in common, and maybe I need more a “twin soul” of mine.

I'm pretty miserable. This sophomore year of college has been one of the lowest points of my life so far. Apart from a few moments here and there, I haven't really been happy since last summer, which was one of the highest points of my life. Then, I got to spend 8 hours a day, 5 days a week with my awesome kids (whom I love and miss a lot) and my co-counselor Kasey (one of my best friends that I also happen to kinda be in love with.) Now, I spend every day by myself, doing nothing.

My freshman year of college was much better. I lived in a suite with 5 other guys. I got along well with all of them, and I became very good friends with one of them in particular (his name is Dom). However, due to reasons that are sort of complicated and hard to explain (and still a little fuzzy to be honest) I am not living with them again this year.

Dom is really the only friend I have up here. I see him once or twice a week usually. We play poker together sometimes, and we go to church together on Sundays. But since I am no longer living with him, most of the time, I am alone. I have no one.

I can't even talk to Dom about how I feel, because I don't want him to feel guilty. I don't want him to feel like he has to make more time for me, or to feel bad for kicking me out (not the right term but the best I've got) of their suite. It wasn't his fault, but if I tell him how miserable I am I know he will feel guilty.

I mentioned in another thread that there was a girl in my French class that I knew was into me, and I was deciding whether or not it was worth it to try to start a relationship with her even though she lives far away from me. I am not really attracted to her, but the reason I was considering it so seriously is because I need to have someone. I need a person that actually cares about me, someone to make it so I'm not always alone. Well, it turns out the she actually has a boyfriend. She mentioned it the other day when I was talking to her in class. I couldn't believe it. I'm terrible at picking up on hints, yet I was confident that she was into me. Even the texts she sent me today, after I found out about the boyfriend. seemed like flirting to me. Maybe she's just a flirty person? Or maybe she's trying to cheat on her boyfriend? I don't know, all I know is that I'll never understand girls.

While we're on the topic of girls, I dream of them almost every night. Not like wet dreams or anything, they're rarely sexual. Usually I'm just spending time with them, or cuddling with them, or there's some kind of scenario where we end up together. It's almost always Kasey in the dreams nowadays, since she's the girl I'm stuck on at the moment, but occasionally it will be my ex, or someone else that I've had some interest in. These dreams are great while they're happening, but they suck when I wake up, because they remind me of how lonely I am.

Speaking of Kasey, there's one thing about her I really don't understand. I've known her for a year and a half, and during that time she's had so many different boyfriends I've actually lost count - 5 maybe? - and they've all come one right after the other. I don't think she's ever been single for longer than 3 weeks before dating a new guy. I just don't get how that works. First of all, how do you find so many people that are interested in you, and that you are also interested in, and are able to get to the point where you start dating? Secondly, how are you able to get over a break-up so quickly that you are able to get in a new relationship with someone else just a few weeks later? It took me years to get over my ex. I just don't understand. Also, why is it never me? Can it be my turn next when you inevitably break up with the current guy? Is there a wait list I have to sign up for or something?

I guess I haven't officially been friend-zoned by her. I never actually asked her out, and she never actually rejected me. She knows I like her though (my friend decided it would be a good idea to drunkenly text her and let her know) and she just said something like "it will never affect our friendship," but she had a boyfriend at the time (obviously). Maybe if she's single this summer I should officially shoot my shot. It can't hurt I suppose. I'll just have to taken advantage before that 3-week window closes lol. Although when we were counselors together our campers would often make comments suggesting we were dating and her response would always be something along the lines of "gross!" so I don't like my chances.

I've also been dealing with an internal conflict that I will not go into detail about. I suppose it's always been something I've thought about, but it hasn't been something I've been struggling with until recently. It messes me up sometimes, and I have no idea how to deal with it or even what to think about it. And it's not something I can talk to anyone about.

Up until this school year, I've kinda dismissed mental health and things like depression, but now I'm experiencing how terrible that s*** can be. I'm not happy right now. I haven't been happy since last summer, and I probably won't be happy again until next summer. Regardless of what happens then, at least I'll be able to see my kids again, and they never fail to put a smile on my face.

I feel like I had more stuff to ramble on about but I can't remember. I'll edit this post if I need to I guess. I'm super grateful for this thread by the way. Being able to get all of this out does help.

I'll be home alone for the weekend, which means I'll finally have a bit of free time for myself after a hectic month.

I started the year with quite the big load of homework, because I had left all the exercises of my second course for when I was done with the first. Time has proven it was a wise idea, though maybe it wasn't as wise to have rushed myself and get aboard that course so early. Instead of February, I should have waited a bit, even if it meant September.

The exercises all required recording some sort of audio or video, which was the perfect "training" I needed to keep progressing after my first course was over. At first, I was able to clear them quite fast, though not always with the desired results because of my own personal reasons. I saw myself brimming with action, and I was hopeful I could clear everything in due time without much trouble.

However, motivation took a heavy drop since 2-3 weeks ago. The last exercises have taken an awfully long time to clear, and also demanded me a high mental effort to take them out of the way sooner rather than later. I found myself doing little to no progress, and entered some sort of negative spiral due to a lot of reasons. I tried my best to attempt to regain motivation, and while I had success to a degree, I didn't get completely rid of my negativity, thus my progress was still greatly hampered.

The last 48 hours have been quite refreshing. Yesterday I went to the Formula One Test Days, and I had so much fun around that all my troubles were gone, and in fact I'd have made decent progress on my homework if it wasn't for how tired I was when getting home. Nevertheless, I managed to do a bit of work, which was the clear proof that I was feeling hopeful once again.

Today, we started a new mini-adventure in the world of voice acting. For the next three Fridays we'll be attending classes at an specific school, meeting with professional people and learning a lot from them. Today we had class with someone who has been present in most of our lives (she regularly voices Natalie Portman, Keira Knightley and Anne Hathaway, and has had prominent roles in anime and animated movies like Ranma 1/2 and Your Name), and it was an absolute blast. We will meet her again on our last day, apparently, so we're totally looking forward to meet her once more and do a more action-packed class, because today we got lost in the preliminaries and barely had time for anything else.

Once again, due to how the day has been, I'm feeling too tired to actually make any progress on my homework, and I probably won't take long to go to bed. Still, I feel myself much lighter than how the week started, and even though the deadline for all the homework is this Wednesday (because I'll be out for the day on Thursday again), I'm feeling as hopeful as ever that I'll be able to clear everything out, because of my renewed motivation and the fact that being home alone will allow me a greater freedom to work.

I hope I can be a bit more active on this site once I get rid of all my homework. In the last weeks, I've barely checked this place from time to time just to see how my assigned forums are doing and if the staff+ forums had any threads or posts that need urgent attention. I've been doing some staff work as one of the ways to leave behind my troubles even if just temporarily, but I didn't have any success.

March is also coming packed with things, so I won't be extremely active that month either. I wonder what will that month's post in here be about, there will be a few things that can make up for a good story to share. Hopefully it's not like this month, having to let something off my chest.

I had wanted to make a post here to say that April was being a very good month and I hoped May to be equally good, but May has barely started and the first thing happening isn't precisely the best one.

Some 40 minutes ago, my parents went to sleep. My mother did say goodnight, but my father went to sleep "in secret", if we can define it that way. Not unusual, since he tends to fall asleep while watching TV and wakes up with just enough energy to go to bed. However, today didn't seem the case, and I just happened to be right.

For the last 20 minutes, in the silence of the night (2:15 AM as I type this), he's been talking to my mother. First they talked about random things, because my mother also talked. But then, the theme switched, signaled by my mother keeping shut and letting my father be, and I can hear how he's been talking about me, with a clearly angered tone in his voice.

I don't even know why he has to do that at this time, not even caring to close the door of their room to keep privacy. It's like he wants me to listen, but doesn't want to talk to me directly. And because of being so late, there's not much I can do to block his annoying verbiage (why couldn't I inherit my mother's patience?).

Whether he's right or wrong in being angered, this is clearly NOT the way he should deal with this. I won't confront him about this since he can't be treated with words (he gets angered so quickly when things don't go the way he wants and I don't want to get angered in return), but he could at least be more subtle when talking behind my back if I'm just a few rooms away instead of raising his voice.

I'm tired of the way he treats me and how he thinks he knows me when he clearly doesn't. I'm aware he only wants the best for me, but he doesn't try to get to know me. I've never felt close to him, and in fact the temper is our only similarity because we disagree in everything else.

Anyway, I've spent a good 25 minutes trying to get this off my chest. Never before did I talk about this, so I consider it a progress. I'll brief my best friend tomorrow or Thursday (the second option sounds better since I could send an audio, thus allowing me to "talk about it with someone" for the first time too) so I can progress further and get rid of this shard of negativity.

Everything is back to normal now, so I'll also calm down. I just hope this isn't the indicator of how May will turn out. Fingers crossed.

Tonight kind of sucked. We've been stuck at home for 3 weeks now and it's starting to wear on all of us.

I feel bad for my kids because we haven't really been able to do much for a while. The weather in Calgary in March is hit and miss. Sometimes it is good and sometimes it's below freezing and snowing still. That's the reality of living where I do.

Hopefully the weather improves like it is supposed to next week so we can spend some more time outside going for walks and if it gets warm enough maybe even opening up windows/doors to let some fresh air in the house.

This self-isolation social distancing thing is getting old fast. I am really looking forward to it being over so life can return to some sense of normal. I don't see it happening any time soon but I can't stop hoping for it.

I've been slowly losing my mind over the course of this pandemic, and interestingly enough, it's not because of the quarantine (I'm essential, and thus, have not had my life adversely affected).

But people are becoming more annoying, as a result of being home, and are inundating me with their problems, at a time when I can't even handle my own problems (because I'm always too fatigued from work).

I can't wait for the world to stabilize somewhat.

My lover went home yesterday. She's been staying with us since the night of March 14th, when the confinement started, meaning some 50-ish days around us more or less.

The confinement is not entirely over, but she wanted to spend the rest of it with her family. It's been a good choice, I'd say, her grandpa is not doing well so it's better for her to be there.

Still not 24 hours have passed since we boarded my father's car for him to get her home, but I already miss her so much. It's been so strange to wake up all alone, with no one in the room besides mine and no one to share breakfast with. After all my years of solitude, I grew used to someone's presence by my side, and it now feels empty with her gone.

She also misses me a lot. Her family is very antisocial, so she's bored with nothing to do. At my home she could talk with my parents, we could play together... And due to where she lives, the current climate almost invites you to the open world, whereas here we don't have many incentives to go out.

At least we've discovered we're highly compatible, for we've spent all these days without any fights, only minor arguments (if they can even be called like that). We're counting down the days to be able to see each other again and go out to eat sushi and walking and such. The wait could perfectly kill us if the confinement is prolonged, something that is currently under discussion by the government.

I also can't wait to hold a family reunion and finally welcome my cousin's kid, one of the many births that have happened during the confinement. Interaction with them has been scarce, reduced to videocalls, and only now are we able to somehow "meet" on the streets, but without doing much else.

Hopefully June can bring a bit of normality to our lives again. I want to get my life kicking again, I want to go back to doing things, I want to make trips. I've been stopped at the worst timing, and I don't want to fall behind too much or it'll be hard to resurface again, given my experience.

I look forward to seeing my friends again. I saw one of them on Easter Sunday, which was a month ago. He came over to talk and we were able to catch up on each other's lives. We sat far apart in lawn chairs so it was weird but still casual and cool.

Even though I'm glad to be at home, I miss my college dorm life. I saw my friends every day, sometimes even pretty much every hour. Now I don't see them at all, which is a hard transition.

I thank God that I have had plenty of time with my family as that has helped. I'm also thankful to get out of the neighborhood more lately.

I haven't posted here in a while... it's not that I haven't wanted to, I just haven't really had anything to say, or at least, nothing that I wanted to say that I wanted others to read.

See, to me, The Dump is great because it allows us a place to leave different thoughts to be saved, ones that aren't meant to be responded to, ones that aren't meant to be seen, but can be seen. And I think that's beautiful.

I started this thread, almost five years to the day. I started it like a week before my 5 year anniversary on Vizzed. Soon, I'm going to be celebrating my 10th year anniversary. It's kind of a scary thought if I'm being entirely honest. Not because Vizzed holds any special place in my life anymore, but because at one point, it did.

I keep wondering if I'm even advancing fast enough. In the past decade, I've made a lot of changes... and I'll go over those more, in depth, in my ten year anniversary post next month. But for now, I want this to be my quiet refuge to gather my thoughts.

I know I've done so much... and yet, I haven't. I'm still the same scared guy I was back in 2010 when I joined the site. The only difference is I grew a sense of pride (which has only really come back to hurt me more). So on top of feeling like I have an inferiority complex, I also have boasted highly of who I am in order to impress people I wanted to impress. Not only has it not impressed them, but it's actually made me feel worse about myself too. In ten years, I still haven't learned how to not properly give a s***.

As I sit here, stewing, and wondering if I'm even going the right direction anymore, one thing is very clear to me. I'm going to hit 2,000,000 words (probably around the same time I finish my 10th year on Vizzed), and then I'm going to probably vanish. I have not made enough progress, and I blame the internet for a lot of this. People I have called friends have either held me back or actively sabotaged me, and all it has brought me is heartache and unhappiness with my life. I was already unhappy with life, but I'm given constant reminders of how happy everyone else is. And that's just not conducive to good mental health for me, as selfish as it sounds.

I see a doctor on Monday. I will hopefully go on medication that could end up saving my life. Because the way things have been the past few months, I may just end up killing myself if I don't get help. I'm a little afraid of taking this medication, because the last time I was on anti-depressants, I nearly killed myself (coincidentally, this is around the time I went full psycho in my first run as a staff member on Vizzed, good times). But it needs to be done, or I definitely won't live to see 30.

A lot of things in my life recently have not gone well. Which is weird. I'm financially successful, I'm taken care of for life, and yet, there's a foreboding sense of dread and unhappiness that hangs over me with everything I do.

It's gotten to the point where people at work have started to notice.

"You aren't acting like yourself today."

"Is something bothering you?"

"If you need to talk, I'm a really good listener."

How ironic. If I'd heard these words from the people I had called my friends, ages ago, then maybe I'd be in a slightly better place. Naturally, I told my coworkers that everything is fine. It was sweet of them to ask, but I can't ever talk about my feelings with them in a professional setting. That was a job for my friends. Those friends failed me.

So yes. It's been 10 years on Vizzed, next month. I'm hoping this next month is great, because at this point, it's looking like it will be the last. Then maybe, everyone can get what they want, and never have to hear from my stupid face again.

While we can't reply to posts in here, I must admit that if it wasn't for the previous post I wouldn't feel encouraged to take the following paragraphs off my chest.

I took a long weekend off with my girlfriend's family, from Thursday to Sunday, on their apartment near the coast. They have a swimming pool for the whole neighborhood, which is quite big to be what it is, they have a handful of beaches they can reach by foot in less than 30 minutes... The desired summer destination for anybody, isn't it?

Well, for me it isn't. Not because I don't like it or anything, but because I can't get into a swimming pool, or the sea, or any body of water you'd think to take a bath on. My low immune system means that the sudden temperature change from the hot ambient to the cold water totally jeopardizes my body. At first this also applied to even taking showers, but thankfully I got over that as my health improved a bit.

Last June I spent a whole week there. I knew I couldn't get into the swimming pool, but wanting to enjoy life and youth for probably the last time, I dived in. And the result was that I couldn't last even five minutes, and the remaining days of my stay were one hell after another. So yeah, that's the last time I'll have ever taken a bath in a pool or lake or whatever.

So, these past days were even hotter than June was, meaning the pool and the sea were the only really good plans throughout the scorching daylight. But I can't get in, so I feel like I was impeding my girlfriend and her brother from enjoying their time as they had to take me into consideration in their plans.

She says I'm not weighing them down or anything, but that fact reminds me so much of my disease and my limits that, without a good mental health, would probably lead into depression. After all, I'm the only one going around with shorts instead of any kind of swimwear because I won't touch the water. And I feel I'm so off the group that I feel bad for being there.

I even think I should insist more on staying home, even if I have literally nothing to do or if I don't actually want to be home for whatever reason, just so I'm not a dead weight. But my girlfriend insists I'm part of the group and they must adapt their plans so I can hang out with them.

Another complication is how my girlfriend's family is. Discussion after discussion, rinse and repeat. Just because they don't think of themselves as a family, but rather everyone goes on their own. And of course, when you're an egotistical imbecile, to be gentle, this inevitably leads to situations that almost made me jump and say to my girlfriend we were done there and that we were better off alone at home. I will probably get to that point soon enough, I pray to have the necessary composure to not let all my anger out or we will throw more than words out there.

I know that I'm nearing my limits, with everything: that summer destination, my girlfriend's family and my girlfriend as well. She has an appointment tomorrow with her psychologist and I will step in to talk to him about a few things I've talked with my girlfriend but with no results seen. I'm aware her BPD is hard to deal with (she doesn't have a hard disorder, thankfully) but still seeing no progress in five months means stronger measures need to be taken. I fear she can lose friends dear to her if she doesn't make the necessary progress, and I know she will take a hard hit if it happens, so I will go to any lengths to prevent this and help her be the best version of herself, just like she tries to do with me.

I thought August would be a month to enjoy, but so far it hasn't been very much like that, as you can see. But things will take a turn from today on, as we will spend the remaining days home no matter what and we'll also start new dubbing classes in order to be in a position to look for job opportunities in September. Once my parents leave us alone on Wednesday afternoon, the peaceful summer can finally start for us, and I'll be fully serious about anything threatening such peace.

The previous posts in this thread remind me of something I have been thinking about...

I'm pretty sure a TON of people are gonna be struggling HARD with mental health for years because of all that they've been through this year. I have friends who have been depressed because of all the isolation they had to face. And I felt down because of that too.

I have also felt down when I see how much fun people are having, getting together in large groups without a care in the world. I'm kinda jealous for them, but I won't be the same way because I'm trying not to get my family/friends sick. Especially when I'm at college soon. I wish I could say I was excited and that my mental health problems will improve at college, but I'm not sure. I think it'll be a while before I'm over the fear that I've been dealing with all year. Literally every week, I've been forced out of my comfort zone, which I realize is important for me to grow. But it has really weighed on me.

It doesn't help that now almost all of my close friends I made at college won't be there this year. I'm left feeling alone and feeling like I have to start over with my friendships at college. I hope to make many new friends and make a huge impact because of all I've been through this year and how I'm still here and growing from it.

Back in Summer 2014, when I got promoted to staff as a game guide writer, I wrote down a project list with all the games I wanted to write for. By that time I think I had some 30-ish games listed down, which already seemed like a lot. Fast forward six years and a half to the present day and the numbers go haywire: 34 guides posted for 30 different games and my list still stands at 35-40 games.

I was aware that I've been adding games as my knowledge in emulators expanded and I gained access to more systems. However, after all this time, I wouldn't have thought I could be back to square one in terms of pending projects, or that my list could be bigger now than what it was back then.

This fact makes me wonder if maybe I'm aiming too high and I should trim my project list a bit, or maybe change it from a project list to a published work list to change the message it sends at first glance, specially with all the notes I've been taking during the years. Or maybe I should directly just focus on those guides I already collected material for and leave all the rest of projects aside because otherwise there's no ending to the list.

I'll be thinking about this in the coming days. I do know I have more motivation to write than in months prior, but maybe I'm pushing myself too hard by putting up a list I won't be able to finish because who knows how will my free time be affected in the next years. Maybe I turned my hobby into an obsession, and I need to refresh myself.