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04-26-24 04:11 PM

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dman2life
11-08-14 02:11 PM
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dman2life
11-08-14 02:11 PM
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dman2life

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11-08-14 02:11 PM
dman2life is Offline
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| ID: 1102646 | 121 Words

dman2life
Level: 10

POSTS: 14/16
POST EXP: 2349
LVL EXP: 4014
CP: 361.9
VIZ: 24200

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Okay, this is probably going to sound a little mean, but it's all stuff that needs to be done. Well, some of it doesn't, but it'll end up making your hack better. Unless they're siblings, you and your aide shouldn't have the exact same hair color. You also need, need, NEED to find someone to look over your grammar on this hack. It's horrifying. Also, get rid of the annoying beeps that are all over the place in the music.

It looks like it has an original plot, but the grammar makes it impossible to take seriously. You have a good imagination, you just need some work on the dialogue and the hair. Good luck, and don't take offense to this!
Okay, this is probably going to sound a little mean, but it's all stuff that needs to be done. Well, some of it doesn't, but it'll end up making your hack better. Unless they're siblings, you and your aide shouldn't have the exact same hair color. You also need, need, NEED to find someone to look over your grammar on this hack. It's horrifying. Also, get rid of the annoying beeps that are all over the place in the music.

It looks like it has an original plot, but the grammar makes it impossible to take seriously. You have a good imagination, you just need some work on the dialogue and the hair. Good luck, and don't take offense to this!
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