On a very far region in space. There is a giant green and black spaceship. Inside are 3 hedgheogs who's plan is to take over the universe, by using the power of a death godess named, Xethnea. The hedgehogs arrived at Earth and we're detected by the planet Mobius' goverment. The report was that a giant spaceship was seen flying and it's shadow covered a whole city. Sonic and his friends we're very scared, not knowing what they will be up against. The only one not scared is Shadow. He says the ones he sensed, supposedly in the spaceship are not match for him, in his opinion.
Our story begins in Mount Segathon on the continent of Exilin. On the top of the mountain is a young warrior hedgehog meditating next to a giant stone with a powerful sword in it and no its not Excalibur. The name of the sword is Multizia. So, he was meditating, when suddenly...

"Meditating, sucks!" Said the hedgehog as he stands up and pulls out the sword from the sword. "I, Wodahs claim, Multizia... Mine..." Said the hedgehog who's name is Wodahs. "I will defeat the ones who came in the spaceship..." Said Wodahs as he then goes down to Methnika City.

Meanwhile in the Sonic Mansion in Methnika City...
Outside the Sonic Mansion are Sonic and his friends united for a meeting.

"Ok as you all know, that a spaceship came to Mobius, just who might it be? My guess is probably its Eggman..." Said Sonic.

"Probably, but I feel that Eggman is not behind this, besides... He has never gone to space!" Said Amy.

"Good point! It must not be Eggman! Maybe they are just aliens, coming from somewhere in space!" Suggested Sonic.

"They aren't aliens..." Said Shadow, butting in their conversation. "I sensed they we're hedgehogs..." Said Shadow.

"Hedgehogs?! No way!" Said Sonic.

"Yes way, but on the bright side, they are not match for me!" Said Shadow.

Then Wodahs walked past by them and stoped in from of them. Wodahs then took out a device and then flies to the sky.

"Follow him... It might be stalkerish, if that is even a word..." Said Sonic. "

"It is now..." Said Shadow.

"He might lead us to the hedgehogs!" Said Sonic.

"Ok!" Said Shadow as he follows Wodahs by flying.

Meanwhile in Angel Island...
Knuckles was in his same position when suddenly...
The black and green spaceship landed on the floating island.

"HUH?!" Said Knuckles who was zoned out from protecting the Master Emerald. Then he saw 3 hedgehogs step out of the spaceship then walk towards him. "Who the heck are these people!?" Asked Knuckles to himself.

Then the hedgehogs stopped next to the bottom of the pillar mountain, where the Master Emerald is. The hedgehog with black fur and black hair and yellow on the end, talks, "Hello, Knuckles..." Said the hedgehog.

"Who are you!? How do you know my name!?" Asked Knuckles with concern.

"I am Darkthan..." Said the hedgehog who's name is Darkthan. "I have come to take what you are guarding!" Said Darkthan.

"Hah! You!? Just try to steal it, Darkthan..." Said Knuckles.

Darkthan then snaps his fingers and the girl hedgehog next to him, teleports him on top of the Master Emerald. "I just want to enjoy a cup of tea..." Said Darkthan as he sits down on the Master Emerald and enjoys a cup of tea.

"GET OFF THE MASTER EMERALD NOW!" Shouted Knuckles.

"I don't see, no touching sign here..." Said Darkthan as he sips his tea.

"My fists are the no touching sign!" Said Knuckles. "NOW GET OFF!" Shouted Knuckles.

"To that I say, no! I am afriad you will get off this island, Zekuu, do it!" Said Darkthan as he serves himself more tea.

Zekuu the light blue hedgehog raises his fist and forms dark aura on it, then he charges it to a dark blast...
"Souffle Sombre!" Said Zekuu. The dak blast is sent to Knuckles, impacting him entirely, our red echadina is sent flying off the island into the ocean.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Shouted Knuckles as he hits the ocean water.

"We shalt, be stealing the Master Emerald now!" Said Darkthan as he finishes his tea. He then gets out a controller and presses a button. His rocket chair then flies to him and he gets on it. Then Zekuu teleports the Master Emerald inside the spaceship and when they are about to leave...
Wodahs arrives...

"We finally meet, Darkthan..." Said Wodahs as he gets out Multizia.

"Who are you!?" Asked Darkthan as he faces, Wodahs.

"I am Wodahs and I am going to defeat you!" Said Wodahs.

"Hahahah..." Laughed Darkthan. Then Darkthan fires lasers from his rocket chair.

Wodahs deflects the laser back at Darkthan with Multizia which make the rocket chair explode.

"AHHHH!" Shouted Darkthan as he falls face down on the ground. Then Wodahs approaches Darkthan and points Multizia at him.

"Give up!?" Asked Wodahs.

"Not yet..." Said Darkthan. "CHAOS BLAST!" Shouted Darkthan as he generates an explosion.

"AAAAAAAAAAH!" Shouted Wodahs as he is slammed next to the pilllar mountain where the Master Emerald was.

"Get rid of him, Zekuu..." Ordered Darkthan as he gets inside the spaceship.

"Darkblast!" Said Zekuu as he dark blasts Wodahs.

"Ugh..." Groaned Wodahs as he then faints.

The three hedgehogs then leave. Then Shadow arrives and sees the spaceship leave. He then throws a tracking chip and it sticks to the spaceship.

"I'll get you later..." Said Shadow as he sees Wodahs lying on the ground unconscious. "Hey, wake up!" Said Shadow as he kicks Wodahs gently. He doesn't wake up. Shadow then shouts, "WAKE UP!". Still doesn't work. Then Shadow gets out a water bottle and pours water on Wodahs. He then wakes up.

"HEY WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM!?" Shouted Wodahs.

"They got away!" Said Shadow.

"No dur, Sherlock!" Said Wodahs as he flies away.

"Hmph..." Said Shadow.

I guess this will be my post of the month. 


VideogamemanX :

Hmm, I'm not really sure what to say about this story... It was a little difficult to follow, and the change of characters wasn't exactly pleasent overall...

Here's why you haven't gotten any responses to your story really. 


#1 You changed the characters 

One of the most important things about writing fanfics, is to write about something that would likely actually happen if the original Game developers were to write the story. Let's look at the characters in your story.


"Metal Sonic – Like it!? I HATE IT! "

"Tails - *dances with Cream* "

Knuckles [Thinking] – SHADOW AND ROUGE SITTIN IN A TREE K-I-S-S-I-N-G… OH SHUT UP!

Shadow – This  [description of word from wikipedia]


These are the most prominent cases of out of character's lines of dialouge. First of all, Metal Sonic doesn't talk that much/at all, and he's a robot, he has no feelings Except a desire to Destroy Sonic. The only robot that had a soul and feelings was E-102 Gamma and possibly Emerl in Sonic X. Tails...ehh, nevermind that one. (What is up with Taileam, there never was a Taileam, only a Tailsmo) Knuckles, He wouldn't really say that, especially to shadow, because well, it's shadow, and Knuckles doesn't really make a fool out of himself by speaking (at least until Lost world he doesn't).
 
And Shadow is a no Blue Shells type guy. He is very reserved, especially in the Japanese version of the game and he never shows his real feelings to anyone. He would never be caught in a date with rouge let alone go to Sonic's place wither on a date or not. Unless it was to tell Sonic something important. 
 
Also How Rouge brutally attacks amy, and Sonic kisses her, that was off the charts for being out of character.

Another thing is to leave things that don't need changed as they are, Such as everyone wearing clothes, it changes the characters and not in a good way, "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" the old saying goes. 
 
also I noticed how the story broke the fourth wall (having the character recognize that they are inside a story being told by you) such as:

 Fried Egghead With Bacon – Why don’t you… OK SERIOUSLY THE NARRATOR DIDN’T GET MY NAME RIGHT!?

Meanwhile in VGMX Corporation Headquarters which is in the Moon…
Sonic - *comes in the room* Smells like feet cheese out there! WHY!?
VideogamemanX – The Moon is made of cheese remember!?
Sonic – Yeah, stinky cheese… I like the cheddar side of the moon though…
VideogamemanX – Ok, ya got da, wallet!?
Sonic – Yes, here you go sir… *hands wallet to VideogamemanX*
VideogamemanX - *scans it on Famicom*


Breaking the fourth wall can be done well for comedical reasoning, but if done to often or bluntly, it doesn't sing a sweet tune anymore.
 
Also you seemed to get "distracted" while writing, such as bringing Igorbird and Play4Fun, and using yourself as a character in the story, I cane here to read A Sonic fanfic, not a Vizzed fanfic, and alsot it's not polite to use character withouth their concent, especially since you might display them out of character and could get in trouble for that

Also for your music choices... It would be good to choose something directly related to the SONIC series, because again, you are appealing to Sonic fans when you are writing this stuff, this would make a better "party" song theme.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eeOLvh_DcEY


To go more into the dialouge itself..., here are some lines that could have been written better:

Knuckles - *doesn’t even care and gets angry a little* Next!
Then Shadow and Rouge come holding hands.

Let's see if that can be helped

Knuckles looks over at the OMOCHAO as it flys away smoking before turning back toward the line. "NEXT" he yells in a ticked off voice" 
 
Shadow and Rouge step forwards in the line. Shadow casts a glare and Knuckles as he looks on the list. 

 l

So overall, the Characters are changed and out of character, The story is pointless as it nothing worth reading really. It pales when it comes to details and doesn't flow smoothly, It breaks the fourth wall and uses characters not found in the Sonic series, and it doesn't give the same feel you would get from playing one of the games or reading one of the stories.

At least you didn't introduce any bad fan characters, so that's a plus. 


The first thing you should learn, if you want to write stories, is that the dialogue needs to be full and descriptive, we want to hear about out surroundings and such, that's what the first chapter of a story should cover for the most part along with the settings. like this.
 

The steel hallways were long and dark In the hidden base of Dr. Eggman. down the passage walked a 3 foot tall blue figure clanking it's metal feet on the floor as it approached a doorway. on the surface a red picture was plastered of the Eggman Empire symbol. The door quickly opened as the robot walked through. On the other side was a dimly lit room. Some crude sheet metal was on the floor as mus seeped through the cracks as he put his foot on the panel. He turned his head and saw a man bent over working on some machine, beside him was a hovering tray with various tools. The man was mumbling to himself and grabbing various tools and looking at them before putting them back and grabbing another.
 
"Dr.Eggman" The Robot said plainly in his metalic voice. 

"GAAAH" The Doctor shouted jumping up and hitting his head on the ceiling. "Don't scare me like that again you bucket of bolts!" 
 
"I request information about the object behind you" The robot stated.

Eggman looked behind him still rubbing his head from it's abrupt meeting with the ceiling. 
 
"Ehh.. it's just another Robot to combat Sonic..." The doctor stated only half explaining the truth behind the matter


I re-covered the first section of your story there in much greater and more colourful detail. This is not easily acquired, but can be learned and I know that with enough practice you CAN do it. 


There is one thing I did like though: 
 
 Narrator – Will Sonic and Tails stop Dr. Eggman before its too late?! Will I get my wallet back?
 
 That was actually quite witty.
 
  
I'm sorry to have been only a bearer of bad news, but the only way we can get better is to know about our faults.

Good luck
Peace~
.

REWRITTEN

VideogamemanX:

Hmm, this re-write of the story seems a might bit nicer then the last one. 
 
It still lacks a good amount of flowing content, has spelling errors (c'mon Vizzed has a built in spell check), and features fan characters that have chaos powers like shadow, HMMMMMMMM sounds like very single fanfic out on the web but overall I am happy to see an improvement.

"On a very far region in space. There is a giant green and black spaceship. Inside are 3 hedgheogs who's plan is to take over the universe, by using the power of a death godess named, Xethnea."

wow, SPOILERS PEOPLE!!!!!

this is a very, very fatal error, the entire point of telling a story is not to tell the story, but to show the story unfolding. 

I wouldn't have said anymore than "a large space craft coated in black and green is looming in space over the beautiful planet Mobuis." And then went on to describe each of the character aboard in detail. 
 
The whole "take over universe with the death goddess Xethnea" is not only way misplaced, it spoils the entire plot and point of the story. ('cause we already know that Sonic is going to win, duh) 
 
 
"Probably, but I feel that Eggman is not behind this, besides... He has never gone to space!" Said Amy.

I beg to differ


Another thing to work on is that you insert dialogue, and then always throw "Said ____" 
 
It's good to use variety, such as words like mused, shouted, inquired, questioned, demanded, asked,  or even more concrete words even, like panicked, chuckled, attacked or threw back .

 "Darkthan then snaps his fingers and the girl hedgehog next to him, teleports him on top of the Master Emerald. "I just want to enjoy a cup of tea..." Said Darkthan as he sits down on the Master Emerald and enjoys a cup of tea. "

This sentence contradicts itself, or rather, it need to be re-written to be more clear.  the comma is not necessary to put before teleports as is throws the reader for an unnecessary loop by thinking that Darkthan teleports himself.  

Also the girl hedgehog appeared out of nowhere, and Knux didn't even notice.

 
I did like this particular line though.
 
"My fists are the no touching sign!" Said Knuckles. "NOW GET OFF!" Shouted Knuckles.

This was humorous and very much in Knuckles character. 


What is up with the SEGA/Sonic Mansion? if it existed, we would have heard about it in a game or two. Amy has her own house, Knux lived on an emerald, Shadow works for G.U.N. with Rouge, Tails has a workshop he lives in and Sonic sometimes crashes with tails, but just doesn't really have place to call home. 

 
Now, I'll go more in depth, as to why the story's plot has already failed.

#1 Fan characters; Unless these are used incredibly well, don't have chaos powers aka are a copy of shadow, and have good original personality and motives, and don't play a major role or take the spotlight 60% of the time, then it only drags the story down because nobody except you cares for the fan characters you made up.
 
#2 Generic story; Some bad guys show up, steal the master emerald, Summon a dark goddess, Sonic and Shadow (maybe with super Knux and tails) save the day and the story is already over.
 
It's very predictable, and too straight forward. (yes, even Eggman was to intervene and/or team up with Sonic)
 
 #3 No detail; As I explained in my earlier post, it's important to carry a massive amount of detail, not only can it turn a boring generic plot into something colorfully illustrated, but it makes it come alive and become something worth reading.

Remember the re-write I did to the beginning of your first story? That was illustrated in rich detail taking advantage of everything around the scene.
 
 

Also I'm sorry, but Whodash is the lamest fan character name I have ever seen. Is he a white hedgehog with blue hues that looks exactly like shadow?
 
If you want legit, and interesting names, look into how the word you want to use is spelled in a different language. such as Kasaina (literally, fire-na in Japanese)
 



I hope this helped some.