First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.- Steve Martin

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.- Dave Barry

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.- Socrates

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.- Emo Philips

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.- Greg King

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.- Al McGuire

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.- Dave Barry

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.- Flip Wilson

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?- Anonymous

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.- Steven Wright

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.- Anonymous

There's a couple If you want more, I can post more

jrjj2u : This is VERY late, and we don't really need them anymore, but I could find a good way to use them and I'll send you 1000 Viz for your troubles.

zanderlex : Sorry, didn't look at the date, just noticed it was an empty Thread so I posted Thanks for the Viz!