Well, this is really sort of well..... What's the word? Short? Yeah, that pretty much works pretty well for this. I felt like it was a decently imaginative story (Could use some work there.) and that it could really use some more detail, length and general improvement on the way the story is offered to the reader. People like things that instantly capture their imaginations, not something that is just "Person did this and then this happened to the person." Try to come at it from another angle. Something I would recommend is read some professional and published books out there and then try writing them in a similar manner to the way they are written in the published books. This should allow you to slowly work on your writing as long as you continue to write stories such as this one.

Honestly you have imaginative potential but you look like you could gain a little bit from practicing your writing skills and honing them. But that's only if you want to, but I mean it when I say you've got potential as a writer, although I would personally recommend trying to be a little more original with the things your write. It allows you to express your worlds your way. That's the wonderful thing about writing, it's your own personal vision of whatever it is you are writing about. Possibly the simplest yet most complex form of art, and easily my favorite. I wish you well whenever you write.

yep, still more popular than my threads after just 2 minutes...