If any of you have ever read Garth Nix's The Keys to the Kingdom- and even if you haven't- I beg you to read this list of ways to mess around with the main villian, Superior Saturday. If you haven' t read the books, all you really need to know is that she's afflicted with envy and jealously towards Sunday, because she believes that she deserves his position in the Will, has blue hair, built a giant Babel-like tower, loves umbrellas, and hates rain.

100 Ways to Irritate, Rankle, or Otherwise Bother Superior Saturday

1.       Sing Rebecca Black’s ‘Friday’ and exclaim ‘TGIF!’
2.       Tell her that, as a qualified professor of psychology with a five-minute online degree, you believe she is harboring an inferiority complex that she has acquired during her childhood due to emotional abuse and neglect by the Architect.
3.       Laugh madly when she tells you she had no childhood.
4.       Cackle insanely when she demands what you mean by “inferiority complex.”
5.       Call her ‘Unsuperior’ Saturday. The bad grammar will just get under her skin even more.
6.       Tell Lord Sunday that she’s deeply in love with him.
7.       Tell the Piper that she’s deeply in love with him.
8.       Lock the three of them in a room for twenty-four hours. Tell them that you refuse to let them out until one of them kisses Saturday.
9.       Ask Saturday what anime character she’s supposed to be cosplaying with her blue hair.
10.   Force her into taking you to an anime convention. Laugh as everyone else asks what anime she’s cosplaying, and laugh harder as they try to guess her character.
11.   Loudly, in the presence of the other Morrow Days, inquire whether Arthur is her long-lost son.
12.   Even more loudly, in the presence of everyone else, inquire when she plans to marry Lord Sunday.
13.   Give her green flowers signed ‘S.’
14.   Buy her a tee shirt that has ‘TGIF’ on it, or those weird underpants that have every day of the week on a pair. Carefully remove the pair for ‘Saturday’ before presenting.
15.   Request a drink of Upper House vodka, regardless of age.
16.   Refuse to accept that there is no such thing as Upper House vodka or that the drinking age in the House is twenty-one thousand years.
17.   Rub in the fact that she’s second bananas to a half-mortal several thousand years younger than her.
18.   Play Jango with her giant tower. Use magic to move the beams, and watch as her face contorts with fury.
19.   Replace last night’s frantic last-minute record that she stayed up until midnight writing with a random story you printed off of Fanfiction.net or Quotev.com.
20.   When she demands who stole her work, claim it was Pravuil.
21.   Force Pravuil to propose to Saturday. Video tape her reaction. This tape will later be useful for blackmailing both of them.
22.   Steal the Sixth Key and replace it with a state-of-the-art gel pen. Tell her you felt so sorry for her using such an outdated quill that you felt compelled to get her a more modern writing utensil.
23.   Ask her why she hates rain but loves umbrellas.
24.   Remind her that despite hating rain, her entire realm was covered in it for ten thousand years.
25.   Demand she take you to the Saturday Farmer’s Market. Do not let her buy anything for herself once she gives in, but make a scene for everything YOU want until she caves.
26.   When passers-by notice you crying for the thing you want at the Saturday Farmer’s Market, point to Saturday and shout, “My mommy’s a meanie!”
27.   Defend the lie that she is your mother while she attempts to pass herself off as your aunt or a friend of your family.
28.   Tell her that Friday thinks she’s an ugly witch. Only replace the ‘w’ with a letter of your choice. Don’t tell Friday what Saturday thinks she said.
29.   Demand she berate Garth Nix for the cliff-hanger ending and lack of flair for a final confrontation he built across four books.
30.   Ask her why she didn’t live up to fans’ expectations. Do not give an answer when she asks what that means, no matter how angry she gets. When she starts threatening you, run.
31.   Say “You’re my favorite character!” and give her a hug. She will probably be pleased. Then, immediately say, “But, Sunday was a better villain.”
32.   Call her Susan.
33.   If, by any chance, she gets used to this, call her ‘Superior Susan.’
34.   If in ten million years she gets used to that too, call her ‘Unsuperior Susan.’
35.   Force her to watch ‘My Little Pony’ and every ‘Barbie’ movie in a large marathon.
36.   Tell her that Envy in Fullmetal Alchemist had no gender. Ask if she has no gender. Laugh when she tells you she is a woman and reply, “I noticed.”
37.   Wonder aloud if she got her Sorcerer Certification from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. If she says no, then ask if she went to Beauxbeautons or Durmstrang’s. Once she denies that as well, request to see the transcript of her grades at Bloor’s Academy for the Gifted and H.I.V.E. Academy.
38.   Ask her if she’s best friends with Lord Voldemort and if she ever invited him for tea. Also inquire as to whether she is friends with Harry Potter and invited him over for dinner.
39.   Scare her by luring her into a dark room. Hidden behind the curtains, say, ‘Saturday, unfaithful Trustee! Death by the Architect!’ and pull several noise-makers.
40.   Cajole her into cooking dinner with the blackmail tape (see #21). After the meal, tell her Sunday is a better cook.
41.   Demand if blue is her favorite color. It’s glaringly obvious what the answer is, so that should irritate her all the more.
42.   Ask her why she’s “blue,” while singing the “blues” and putting on a sad face.
43.   Tell her Arthur thought she was a push-over from the start.
44.   Explain that Sunday never had an ounce of respect for her and was simply using her as a slave since he felt himself too grand to actually run the House. Also explain that he didn’t think her a worthy foe but a mere joke. Both are true.
45.   Say “Objection!” or “Hold it!” with the Phoenix Wright pose every time she tries to make you do something, defend herself against anything you say, or simply try to escape your presence.
46.   Keep badgering her as to what really happened to the Captain Door Keeper and whether or not she killed him.
47.   Ask what real reason she had for killing the Piper and if it had anything to do with their massive break-up.
48.   Point to her hands and say, “Out, damned spot! Out, I say! Who knew the old man had so much blood in him?” Run away when she demands to know what you’re talking about.
49.   Ask her why she hasn’t made an appearance on ‘Saturday Night Live.’
50.   Tease her by telling her that she less screen time than any of the other Morrow Days, despite Garth Nix making her out to be the Big Bad- even though she really wasn’t- and foreshadowing a major confrontation (that never occurred). Even the Piper was on screen more. Heck, Monday’s Dawn got about the same amount as Saturday, if not more.
51.   When she asks why you’re making her life such a miserable experience, kindly remind her that she died in the seventh book. Also ask why she’s alive now.
52.   When she repeats the question, put on a hurt face and say, “But I thought you liked spending time with me!” And cry. Sob until her office looks like it came out of the Border Sea.
53.   Tell her umbrellas are sooo last season- ponchos are the new thing!
54.   Push her towards the rain or a falling drop of water, then scream, “THE WATERS OF MARS! RUN, SATURDAY, BEFORE THEY POSSESS YOU TOO!”
55.   Every time you see her tower, say with a grave and serious tone, “Those roads, those bridges… if you have a business- you didn’t build that. Someone helped you get there.”
56.   Ask why everyone thought she was a man before a rat enlightened them in Drowned Wednesday.
57.   Speak in Ye Butcherede Olde Englishe constantly and say that was the dialect when Saturday was born, so it must be her first language.
58.   Tell her she has the worst handwriting you have ever seen and that it isn’t even legible.
59.   Smile mysteriously and whisper in her ear that you “know the REAL reason Dr. Scamandros failed… the politics behind it.” Smirk and run away speedily.
60.   Steal the microwave hot packs that she puts on her hands after she gets writer’s cramp.
61.   Find her favorite jazz and blues records. Ruin them.
62.   Apologize for ruining her favorite jazz and blues records by trying to make a cover of them on your own. Sing like a tone-deaf chipmunk. Then blast it on your loudspeakers every time she enters the vicinity.
63.   Scream that you want to see her tattoo.
64.   Continue to insist that she has a tattoo. Refuse to accept that she does not.
65.   Ask if her office, which is bigger on the inside, is really a disguised TARDIS- y’know, ‘cuz it’s a blue box, and she has a thing for blue?
66.   Ask her if she is the soul of the TARDIS.
67.   Badger her into admitting she is a Time Lord.
68.   Request to see all of her regenerations.
69.   Go through all of her photo albums.
70.   Ask her where the pictures with her natural hair color are.
71.   Demand to know why she dyed her hair blue.
72.   Say she must have been a “dumb blonde.”
73.   Incessantly tease her for not knowing how to swim- whether she can or not.
74.   Bribe or blackmail her into taking you to Hawaii to swim with the dolphins. Once you get to Hawaii, say you can’t swim with the dolphins since you don’t know how.
75.   Call the White House and inform them they better lock their nukes up better Friday nights if they don’t want a repeat of what happened that one Saturday morning.
76.   Declare Saturday a known terrorist with a history of bombing civilian populations. Get Arthur Penhaligon to verify your accusation. Report to the FBI and the White House.
77.   Force Saturday to take you back in time to the Salem Witch Trials. Declare Saturday a witch, and then run.
78.   Take her to meet Rebecca Black. Do not tell her that the person she is meeting is Rebecca Black. Once they introduce themselves… watch the fireworks begin.
79.   Release an Internet petition titled, “AFTER THE OTHER FIVE BOOKS, SUPERIOR SATURDAY WAS A MAJOR LET-DOWN. WHAT HAPPENED, GARTH NIX? PLEASE RE-WRITE!!!” Show it to Saturday once it’s gained several thousand e-signatures.
80.   Call her old.
81.   Ask what anti-aging cream she uses to keep her skin looking so young after millions of years.
82.   Look her in the eye and say, “I know all about what you did last summer.” Smile slyly and calmly exit.
83.   Offer to do her laundry, but don’t return her underwear- claim you are still washing it. Similarly, wash her laundry but ONLY return her underwear, claiming you are still washing everyone else.
84.   Shrink her favorite cape and sweater by putting them in the wash cycle for a couple too many rounds…
85.   Don’t let her go outside if it’s raining, claiming “she’ll drown.”
86.   Ask why her name isn’t spelled S.U.P.E.R.I.O.R. S.A.T.U.R.D.A.Y. like W.I.T.C.H.
87.   Say that ten million years is plenty of time to learn how to play the piano, and force her to play Fur Elise and Ballade pour Adeline in front of everyone else… by ear.
88.   Ask exactly what kind of companionship she and the Architect had. No matter what she says, raise your eyebrows and reply, “Is that the truth?”
89.   Point out the fact that she can’t have been that great of a friend to the Architect since she wasn’t ranked so highly in the Will.
90.   Steal those short stories and poems she’s been writing and sneak into the Upper House’s broadcast room- y’know, the one with the speakers that connect the entire House?- and read them aloud, one by one.
91.   Videotape her while she’s singing in the rain.
92.   Snicker and say she should’ve been in that one really old movie with people singing in the rain that you can’t remember the name of.
93.   Send the video to AFV.
94.   Send the previous blackmail video to AFV.
95.   Tell Sneezer that Saturday is his biological sister.
96.   Tell Arthur that he is the biological son of Saturday and Sunday. Never mind that this isn’t possible since he is (or at least was) 100% mortal.
97.   Give Suzy Turquoise Blue the keys to her office.
98.   Give the Sixth Key to a lower Denizen and request for it to be “replaced with something a bit more… classy. Quills are out, and so are gel pens… apparently.”
99.   Cut her hair that she’s been growing out for several centuries.
100.  Explain that she’s spent all of creation by being, basically, a very glorified secretary of the universe while Monday wasted time, Tuesday tried to embrace artistic talent he didn’t have, Wednesday had a “swimmingly good” time, Thursday played soldier, Friday did… whatever she was doing… and Sunday gardened. Especially stress that while she worked SO DILIGENTLY… Sunday gardened.