Lately I've been reading the McDisaster stories on funnyjunk (guy giving anecdotes of bad days while working at McDonalds in the past). They are pretty good. Recently I started thinking that I have some good stories to tell during my time in the Army. I decided to write one up today. It's set in a very similar format as the McDisaster stories. So here it is. One of the many stories I have during my time in the service. Bear in mind that this story is 100% real, as are any others I may post. It's a bit of long read
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That Army Life...
1. Morning Surprise
-Camp Carroll, Korea
-Summer 2009
-In barracks on post
- Had just woken up.
- Went out to local Korean bars with friends right outside post the night before
-Still groggy
- Went to take my daily morning piss, empty myself of last night's fun
-Open my door to commons area
-two rooms shared commons area. one person per room, so both "roommates" share 1 sink, fridge/microwave, bathroom/shower and cupboards. bathroom is on immediate right of sink
-not a bad deal
-walk up to sink to rinse my mouth of alcohol after-taste
-spit the water out
-spot something in corner of my eye in the bathroom
-only overhead sink light is on and bathroom is dark
-vision is still unclear and required 10 more minutes to fully adjust
-turn my head to get a better look
-see dark spots on floor
-looks like bigger than average-sized chunks of used tobacco chew
-you been in the Army long enough you know that half the people smoke, and a good quarter of soldiers who smoke also chew tobacco
-stood there for 30 seconds
-still trying to make out what it is
-brain has only risen to 90% functionality
-suddenly get an idea of what dark chunks might be
-squint my eyes
-no way
-no, it coudln't be.....
-take one step in bathroom, pushing door further open
-move hand in around door frame and turn on the light
-ohmygodyougottabekiddingme.jpg
-s*** is all over the floor
-everywhere
-my mouth drops beyond limits of jaw's range of motion
-7+ soft piles of feces have been on the cold floor for god knows how long
-I look down
-a chunk had been smeared on the floor underneath the door in the direction I pushed it open
-also notice a pile is 2-3 inches from my foot where I blindly stepped in
-I got lucky. I'm barefoot
- quickly move foot away from the steaming bathroom mine
-poo is by the shower, by the wall and by the door
-none of it in the toilet, where it should be
-none
-porcelain god was not happy with the failed midnight offerings
-I'm confused and in disbelief
-suprised I wasn't giving a failed morning offering right there upon seeing this
-fingers are plugging my nose as if VX nerve agent is in the air
-turn to look at roommate's door
-go over to it and start knocking. can't do it hard
-still in zombie state, but improving.
-disbelief and zombie state give my mind unexplainable state of consciousness
-knocks get harder and harder
-I continue this for 10 minutes
-10 minutes
-despite this still no answer.
-Don't know if roommate is gone or if dude is out cold
-fmw
-I give up
-go back to room, change and leave to go my battle-buddy's room and for breakfast in another building.
-didn't even bother to brush my teeth befoe leaving after what I just experienced
-tell battle-buddy what happened
- starts laughing , then"Oh hell no!! I would be -pounding- on his door!"
-we go to breakfast in the dining faciltiy below his room. meet up with a female friend of ours.
-Also tell her the story
-her mouth drops beyond the limits of her jaw's range of motion
-finish eating breakfast and go back to room few hours later around noon
-see roommate on hands and knees, scrubbing the floor like he's excavating golden diamonds from the tiles for the last 45 minutes
-wish I was there to see the look on his face when he realized what he'd done
-ask what happend
-dude (in his early 20's) has never been drunk before
-friends took him out last night and got him wasted
-came back to his room and used the bathroom
-"tried" to use the bathroom, and missed
-several times
- don't know if he was too drunk to turn on the lights or too drunk to know how
-probably just didn't know how to handle being hammered
-still no excuse for such a lethal misfire, leaving behind a bunch of anus goblns
-in the end it was all cleaned up and safe to set foot in
-the Army sucks sometimes, but at least I have this gem of story remember
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