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The Werewolf of Frost Spire Mountain
04-20-13 10:06 PM
Mia03 is Offline
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This is the 1st part of a fairly long story I am working on. NO negativity please. I hope you enjoy it. The other parts will be put in this thread too so stay tuned.  The Werewolf of Frost Spire Mountain It was a dark and stormy night when the baby was born. This boy is to be the savior of everything he will come to know. A sky shattering crack of thunder can be heard outside the hospital where the mother is giving birth to the boy. He is named Dylan meaning “son of the sea”. The clouds blot out the thick crescent of moon cloaking the surrounding area in shadows. Dylan is born with a mark on his arm. The doctors claim it’s just a birthmark, but his mother knows better. It is the Sign of the Moon; a wolf against a rising moon. Dylan’s grandfather had the same mark, but because of the mixing of blood lines not everyone gets the mark. The mark of the werewolf; whether you interpret it as a gift or a curse is your opinion. Dylan grows just like any other kid and does all the things that normal kids can do. He almost forgets he has the Sign of the Moon on his wrist, until his 15th birthday. He and his friend, Beau, went swimming one day and decided who could stay on the bottom of the pool the longest. Dylan won thanks to his wolf powers he still knows nothing about. Beau is a human and will only know about the wolf if Dylan decides to tell him. Later that night, he felt a burning sensation on his birthmark. When he pulled back his sleeve to examine the mark, he was mystified with what he saw. The Sign of the Moon on his flesh was glowing a sickly yellow color and burning all the same. “Mom! Take a look at this! My scar is burning.” He told her. “So it has finally started.” She answered after seeing his glowing scar. “What has finally started? What are you talking about?” he asked. “The Sign of the Moon is the mark of the werewolf, Dylan. I have kept the truth from you all this time, hoping that you might not manifest. I was wrong.” She said. “N-No, I can’t be a werewolf. It’s not possible.” He stammered. “Yes, you are because impossible is nothing.” Your father and I were once werewolves and you are now one too.” She replied. “That’s another thing. Where is my father and why hasn’t he been here for the majority of my life?” He asked. “As I said, your father and I were werewolves. I gave up that part of myself when I became pregnant with you because I didn’t want this life for you. I drank Rowan bark every night under a full moon and instead of glowing my mark started to disappear because rowan helps to dampen down the magic that flows through us as well as wizards. Your father was a police officer and part of a pack that took in criminals of all kinds with their heightened skills. But the wizards didn’t like that since a lot of the crooks were wizards with taste for the dark side. He took in wizards and the Wizard Council hired wizard assassins because they are the ones with authority over the police. The assassins cornered them and killed most of them, but not your father. He was the pack leader and therefore the strongest. He killed some of the wizards and vowed revenge on the Wizard Council. They ran him out of town with the threat that they were going to kill us if he didn’t.” She explained. “He ran away?” Dylan asked shocked. “Not without good reason.” His mother said. “I’ll kill them for what they did to him. It’s because of him and the rest of the police force that the town is safe.” He exploded. “No you will not! If you even go near the Council they will know who you are and they won’t hesitate to kill you. Your father was also a rebel leader, Dylan. He spent most of his life and yours fighting an endless war. Do you understand?” “Yes.” He said brokenhearted. “Don’t worry. He will return one day when he feels it’s safe again. For now he resides in a hunting cabin on Frost Spire Mountain.” She said. Hmm…The hunting cabin. Maybe after marching band season I’ll get a job carrying product for Lucius Fox and go visit this cabin. Memories flooded back to him of going hunting with and playing in the woods with his dad at a young age when his eyes were just beginning to change colors. Each werewolf has a different color of eyes when he or she manifests. His father had bright gold eyes; the most common for werewolves. Sometimes, the color of either parent will be passed from them to child, but not for Dylan. His mother has bright violet eyes, however, when Dylan just started to manifest before his wolf came his eyes turned to bright cerulean blue eyes. At his school, there is also a large variety of different kinds of students. There are the normal humans, werewolves, wizards, and healers. The wealthier wizard houses and families send their kids to private tutors for teaching them charmcasting. Dylan is among friends in the band, which in itself is a collection of the different factions of the school. Some of his friends are wizards that will teach him simple charms that wolves can handle. The magic in Dylan isn’t high magic, the magic that wizards learn, but wolves have earth magic in them; allowing them to perform simple charms. In the weeks before school, Dylan decides to follow through with his plan of visiting the cabin after he finishes his delivery of Lucius’s drink at the Southbridge market. When he gets the Lucius’s money he begins the ascent up mountain again. Putting the coin purse in his carry bag, he slings it over his shoulder and morphs into the wolf, his fur growing over his clothes and under his bag so they don’t rip. Dylan takes off running through the streets and onto the wilderness path that will take him past Lucius Fox’s place. There’s a secret path that only his errand boys and himself know about to keep away unwanted visitors. It isn’t an uncommon sight to see a wolf that’s bigger than a full grown human at shoulder length running through the streets. Some of the notorious street gangs are made up entirely of werewolves. He turns off the secret road to Lucius’s house and changes back and walks to the door. “Lucius! Are you there Lucius!.” Dylan said. “Who is it!” Lucius demanded. Lucius is also blind so it’s hard for him to trust people sometimes. “Lucius, it’s me. I brought you your money for the product.” Dylan explained. Dylan pushes the door open saying hello to Lucius’s dog, Wolfie. “Ah, Boy!” Lucius said happily. He calls everyone that he hires ‘Boy’ because being blind he doesn’t need to really care about names, but just because he is doesn’t mean he can’t find his way around the mountain. It’s kind of like he has the second sight. “Glad you’re here, Dylan. I was looking for someone to go fishing with.” He said. “Sorry Lucius. Not tonight, I’ve got somewhere to be. Maybe another time okay.” Dylan replied. “Suit yourself, Boy. I’m gonna catch myself some dinner.” He went on. Lucius always ate what he caught himself in the river by his house. Lucius gave him a nice fat purse as payment. “Here’s your money, for brining my product. Make sure your Mam and little brother get it. They’ll need it when it when winter comes and the crops are all gone.” Lucius said. “Thanks, Lucius.” Dylan replied; slipping the purse in his carry bag and heading for the door wondering how Lucius seems to know everything when he lives a ways from the city. Dylan changes back and takes off up mountain to the denser part of the forest. He knows the way by heart after being with his dad up here multiple times. It was some of the more happier times Dylan’s had. The altitude of the mountain makes it colder even though it’s the middle of summer. That’s one of the reasons why this mountain is called Frost Spire Mountain. Thanks to the wolf’s thick pelt, Dylan barely even feels it. By the time he sees the cabin in the distance, night has almost fallen. Mam would be worried if he didn’t come home for dinner soon. Just then he stops dead in his tracks. A lone wolf is howling on the rocky outcropping that Dylan and his dad would stand on to watch the deer herds. He looked up at the outcropping. What Dylan sees next chills him to his very bones. The lone wolf was slightly bigger than him with a solid grey coat, compared to Dylan’s own pelt that was as dark as night. He also was looking straight at him with piercing golden eyes. The other wolf thinks this youngster is trying to invade his territory. Not on my watch. Not after I’ve been chased out once before from the only home I knew, thought the older wolf. This is the 1st part of a fairly long story I am working on. NO negativity please. I hope you enjoy it. The other parts will be put in this thread too so stay tuned. The Werewolf of Frost Spire Mountain It was a dark and stormy night when the baby was born. This boy is to be the savior of everything he will come to know. A sky shattering crack of thunder can be heard outside the hospital where the mother is giving birth to the boy. He is named Dylan meaning “son of the sea”. The clouds blot out the thick crescent of moon cloaking the surrounding area in shadows. Dylan is born with a mark on his arm. The doctors claim it’s just a birthmark, but his mother knows better. It is the Sign of the Moon; a wolf against a rising moon. Dylan’s grandfather had the same mark, but because of the mixing of blood lines not everyone gets the mark. The mark of the werewolf; whether you interpret it as a gift or a curse is your opinion. Dylan grows just like any other kid and does all the things that normal kids can do. He almost forgets he has the Sign of the Moon on his wrist, until his 15th birthday. He and his friend, Beau, went swimming one day and decided who could stay on the bottom of the pool the longest. Dylan won thanks to his wolf powers he still knows nothing about. Beau is a human and will only know about the wolf if Dylan decides to tell him. Later that night, he felt a burning sensation on his birthmark. When he pulled back his sleeve to examine the mark, he was mystified with what he saw. The Sign of the Moon on his flesh was glowing a sickly yellow color and burning all the same. “Mom! Take a look at this! My scar is burning.” He told her. “So it has finally started.” She answered after seeing his glowing scar. “What has finally started? What are you talking about?” he asked. “The Sign of the Moon is the mark of the werewolf, Dylan. I have kept the truth from you all this time, hoping that you might not manifest. I was wrong.” She said. “N-No, I can’t be a werewolf. It’s not possible.” He stammered. “Yes, you are because impossible is nothing.” Your father and I were once werewolves and you are now one too.” She replied. “That’s another thing. Where is my father and why hasn’t he been here for the majority of my life?” He asked. “As I said, your father and I were werewolves. I gave up that part of myself when I became pregnant with you because I didn’t want this life for you. I drank Rowan bark every night under a full moon and instead of glowing my mark started to disappear because rowan helps to dampen down the magic that flows through us as well as wizards. Your father was a police officer and part of a pack that took in criminals of all kinds with their heightened skills. But the wizards didn’t like that since a lot of the crooks were wizards with taste for the dark side. He took in wizards and the Wizard Council hired wizard assassins because they are the ones with authority over the police. The assassins cornered them and killed most of them, but not your father. He was the pack leader and therefore the strongest. He killed some of the wizards and vowed revenge on the Wizard Council. They ran him out of town with the threat that they were going to kill us if he didn’t.” She explained. “He ran away?” Dylan asked shocked. “Not without good reason.” His mother said. “I’ll kill them for what they did to him. It’s because of him and the rest of the police force that the town is safe.” He exploded. “No you will not! If you even go near the Council they will know who you are and they won’t hesitate to kill you. Your father was also a rebel leader, Dylan. He spent most of his life and yours fighting an endless war. Do you understand?” “Yes.” He said brokenhearted. “Don’t worry. He will return one day when he feels it’s safe again. For now he resides in a hunting cabin on Frost Spire Mountain.” She said. Hmm…The hunting cabin. Maybe after marching band season I’ll get a job carrying product for Lucius Fox and go visit this cabin. Memories flooded back to him of going hunting with and playing in the woods with his dad at a young age when his eyes were just beginning to change colors. Each werewolf has a different color of eyes when he or she manifests. His father had bright gold eyes; the most common for werewolves. Sometimes, the color of either parent will be passed from them to child, but not for Dylan. His mother has bright violet eyes, however, when Dylan just started to manifest before his wolf came his eyes turned to bright cerulean blue eyes. At his school, there is also a large variety of different kinds of students. There are the normal humans, werewolves, wizards, and healers. The wealthier wizard houses and families send their kids to private tutors for teaching them charmcasting. Dylan is among friends in the band, which in itself is a collection of the different factions of the school. Some of his friends are wizards that will teach him simple charms that wolves can handle. The magic in Dylan isn’t high magic, the magic that wizards learn, but wolves have earth magic in them; allowing them to perform simple charms. In the weeks before school, Dylan decides to follow through with his plan of visiting the cabin after he finishes his delivery of Lucius’s drink at the Southbridge market. When he gets the Lucius’s money he begins the ascent up mountain again. Putting the coin purse in his carry bag, he slings it over his shoulder and morphs into the wolf, his fur growing over his clothes and under his bag so they don’t rip. Dylan takes off running through the streets and onto the wilderness path that will take him past Lucius Fox’s place. There’s a secret path that only his errand boys and himself know about to keep away unwanted visitors. It isn’t an uncommon sight to see a wolf that’s bigger than a full grown human at shoulder length running through the streets. Some of the notorious street gangs are made up entirely of werewolves. He turns off the secret road to Lucius’s house and changes back and walks to the door. “Lucius! Are you there Lucius!.” Dylan said. “Who is it!” Lucius demanded. Lucius is also blind so it’s hard for him to trust people sometimes. “Lucius, it’s me. I brought you your money for the product.” Dylan explained. Dylan pushes the door open saying hello to Lucius’s dog, Wolfie. “Ah, Boy!” Lucius said happily. He calls everyone that he hires ‘Boy’ because being blind he doesn’t need to really care about names, but just because he is doesn’t mean he can’t find his way around the mountain. It’s kind of like he has the second sight. “Glad you’re here, Dylan. I was looking for someone to go fishing with.” He said. “Sorry Lucius. Not tonight, I’ve got somewhere to be. Maybe another time okay.” Dylan replied. “Suit yourself, Boy. I’m gonna catch myself some dinner.” He went on. Lucius always ate what he caught himself in the river by his house. Lucius gave him a nice fat purse as payment. “Here’s your money, for brining my product. Make sure your Mam and little brother get it. They’ll need it when it when winter comes and the crops are all gone.” Lucius said. “Thanks, Lucius.” Dylan replied; slipping the purse in his carry bag and heading for the door wondering how Lucius seems to know everything when he lives a ways from the city. Dylan changes back and takes off up mountain to the denser part of the forest. He knows the way by heart after being with his dad up here multiple times. It was some of the more happier times Dylan’s had. The altitude of the mountain makes it colder even though it’s the middle of summer. That’s one of the reasons why this mountain is called Frost Spire Mountain. Thanks to the wolf’s thick pelt, Dylan barely even feels it. By the time he sees the cabin in the distance, night has almost fallen. Mam would be worried if he didn’t come home for dinner soon. Just then he stops dead in his tracks. A lone wolf is howling on the rocky outcropping that Dylan and his dad would stand on to watch the deer herds. He looked up at the outcropping. What Dylan sees next chills him to his very bones. The lone wolf was slightly bigger than him with a solid grey coat, compared to Dylan’s own pelt that was as dark as night. He also was looking straight at him with piercing golden eyes. The other wolf thinks this youngster is trying to invade his territory. Not on my watch. Not after I’ve been chased out once before from the only home I knew, thought the older wolf. |
| The Shadow Wolf |
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04-20-13 10:17 PM
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| ID: 783526 | 73 Words
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Great read Mia. I do have some constructive criticism however. It seems very text heavy. This can be a good thing if you can pull it off so I hope to see you do so in the next few parts of your story. I don't know if this was intentional, but the line spacing looks really far apart for me... so yeah :L Good job anyway Mia... Summon me when you write more? I do have some constructive criticism however. It seems very text heavy. This can be a good thing if you can pull it off so I hope to see you do so in the next few parts of your story. I don't know if this was intentional, but the line spacing looks really far apart for me... so yeah :L Good job anyway Mia... Summon me when you write more? |
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04-21-13 09:51 PM
Mia03 is Offline
| ID: 784313 | 1647 Words
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This is the second installment of my story: The Werewolf of Frost Spire Mountain. People that may like this: iNoo8:
Shadow Wolf changed into his human shape; a weather-beaten looking man with just a hint of stubble on his chin. It was definitely still him. At least he took care of himself while he was in the mountains for years. Shadow Wolf came into the light and saw, to his own astonishment, that the woman standing in front of him looked like a spitting image of his supposedly dead wife. She can’t be, can she. He thought. “Daniel? Is that you? I thought you were dead all of this time, but I still clung to the hope that you were still alive.” She said. “How do you know my name? I’ve been in the mountains for a long time. You must be confused because the Wizard Council killed my family.” Daniel said. “There you are! I was so worried about you.” She stated. “Mom, I only went to Lucius’s place and then into the woods. Here’s the money for taking bottles down mountain.” Dylan said changing back into human shape. “Who’s your friend?” She said out of the blue. Dylan sighed. “Come on out Old Wolf.” Dylan said exasperated. “For your information, I’m called Shadow Wolf. Pardon me for my rudeness Madam, but I needed to know where this boy lived as he is to become my apprentice.” Shadow Wolf said. Dylan’s mother heard him, but she wasn’t listening. Memories flooded back to her when Dylan was just a little boy and his father was being run out of town by the Wizard Council. The last thing he told her was to not worry. That he’d be safe in the woods and that he was now to be known by his wolf name: Shadow Wolf. The last she heard of him was his mournful howl. Until now, she had thought that the Wizard Council caught up to him and killed him. Dylan was amazed at the bitterness in the older wolf’s voice. However, he was eager to know more magic and to be stronger. “Unfortunately, since we only are able to use green magic, I can only teach you simple defense, healing, and attack charms. Very basic.” The older wolf told him. “That’s alright, but I should be getting home now.” Dylan told the wolf. “Understandable. However, I want to know where you live so if I need you immediately I can find you easily.” The wolf replied. “Sure, but don’t go stalking me or my family. And we’re cool right. No slitting my throat while I sleep, right?” Dylan asked suspiciously. “Yeah, we’re cool. I said I won’t hurt you. It’s safe down in the city, right?” The older wolf asked. They charged down mountain, an odd pair. An adult wolf running a little bit behind Dylan, wondering what really happened to his family. They were dead, he was sure of it and that’s why he lives in seclusion up at the cabin. “Sure is. The Wizard Council doesn’t mess with the people unless the people mess with them. They don’t pay much attention to the city anyway. The street gangs rule the streets. I’m leader of the Furs and my friend is the leader of the Claws. Our groups get along and protect the city from any danger. Even the baby blueblood wizardlings that pass through don’t mess with us. When either group has a surplus of food we barter and trade with the other group and save it for exceptionally hard winters.” Dylan explained. “Good. I might be able to return to Southbridge for awhile.” The older wolf said. The pair trot slowly into town and Dylan leads the way to his house. Oh no, thought Dylan. ‘Oh no’ is right because Dylan’s mother is standing right outside the house peering into the dark woods trying to locate her son. And she doesn’t look too happy either. “Dylan! Dylan, I know you’re here! I may not be a wolf anymore, but I still have some of my old sense of smell!” His mother yelled into the woods. Reluctantly, Dylan decided to come out of the woods. He padded up slowly to her whining for forgiveness. Previously on The Werewolf of Frost Spire Mountain: (And continuation) The other wolf thinks this youngster is trying to invade his territory. Not on my watch. Not after I’ve been chased out once before from the only home I knew, thought the older wolf. With a snarl that showed off many razor sharp fangs, the older wolf launched itself down off the extremely tall cliff, known as Dive Rock, kicking off the side of the rock wall whenever he’s about to smash into it. It’s almost like he was flying. Some wolves would consider this a suicide attempt, but he’s not a young wolf anymore and he’s had considerable practice, especially when hunters came looking for him on behalf of the Wizard Council. Dylan was frozen to his spot by fear. This is my first battle, he thought. Then he came back to the real world and realized that this wolf was going to kill him. Not if Dylan had something to say about it. Not without a fight. While the older wolf was still in flight, Dylan charged forward with a snarl and climbed the slope to Dive Rock with superhuman speed and agility. Just before they collided the older wolf launched himself off the cliff face when he came in close to it again. He was high up in the air like an eagle while Dylan was still charging ahead. “Blood of the Demon.” Dylan swore. He flipped around and soared through the air just as his father had done when his own father was teaching him the trick as a young wolf. He learns fast, thought the older wolf who was amazed that the youngster did that on a dime without having any practice at all. “Fine, but I won’t be able to come to the cabin every day and sometimes it’s just me at home and I might need a place to stay until my Mam comes home.” Dylan explained. “That’s understandable. You may stay with me whenever you want. Is your mam a wolf? You had to have gotten the wolf from one of your parents.” He asked. “No, not anymore. She was but gave it up to raise me. She took rowan to kill her wolf. And my father was a police chief; leader of the police pack. But he was run out of town awhile ago and the rest of the pack was killed.” Dylan stated. “Huh, strange. I had a family once too. A wife and two beautiful kids. The wife didn’t want the werewolf lifestyle for our kids so she took rowan to dampen down the magic and got rid of the wolf inside her. I missed so much of my kids’ lives and the oldest one’s eyes were just beginning to turn a light shade of blue when the Wizard Council ran me out of town. But no of that matters anymore because my family is dead. One day I’ll kill everyone in the entire Wizard Council.” The older wolf said. He looks like me when I was a pup. Except for the piercing eyes, he continues. Since Dylan is younger and therefore stronger; he launches himself with more power and soars higher and faster than the older wolf. He landed on top of the older wolf midair and their combined weight pulled them to the ground. They landed with a hard thud and rolled for a bit. If they didn’t roll they surely would have broken something. As it is, the move was a foolish one on Dylan’s because he could have broken his neck or killed them both. The older wolf was the first to get up, but when he came over to sniff the younger wolf Dylan twitched and tried to get up. Something about Dylan’s scent was familiar to the older wolf, however, he couldn't’t place it. The older wolf knew he should have bitten his throat and killed him already, for invading his territory, but he couldn't’t bring himself to do it probably because the invader had only just manifested, he may be valuable, or he felt sorry for him. At that instant, Dylan struggled to his paws still meaning to know why the older wolf was so keen on attacking him and why he wasn’t dead yet. Mam would be so worried about his safety, but I have to figure this out; he thought. “Rise, challenger and face your punishment.” The older wolf ordered. “Why am I not dead? You should have killed me by now.” Dylan stated weakly. “I’m not sure exactly, but something about your scent is familiar to me, but I don’t remember where I’ve seen you before. You kind of look like me when I was a pup too. Besides you might be valuable to me one day.” He said. “I’ll never work for you. I already have one employer and I’m not looking for another. I’m just trying to get to that cabin.” Dylan growled. “A darn shame then, because you’re looking at the wolf who owns that cabin and you aren’t taking it from me without a fight. Too bad too because I know you have a Mam somewhere that’ll worry if you don’t come home. Ever. The older wolf snarled back. “You may own that cabin, but leave me and my Mam out of it. Is there anyone else that lives with you in the cabin?” Dylan asked. “No, it is only me. Also I think I can train you. You see if you work on your skills of strength and all that as well as your magical abilities, you’ll be unstoppable.” The older wolf said. This is the second installment of my story: The Werewolf of Frost Spire Mountain. People that may like this: iNoo8:
Shadow Wolf changed into his human shape; a weather-beaten looking man with just a hint of stubble on his chin. It was definitely still him. At least he took care of himself while he was in the mountains for years. Shadow Wolf came into the light and saw, to his own astonishment, that the woman standing in front of him looked like a spitting image of his supposedly dead wife. She can’t be, can she. He thought. “Daniel? Is that you? I thought you were dead all of this time, but I still clung to the hope that you were still alive.” She said. “How do you know my name? I’ve been in the mountains for a long time. You must be confused because the Wizard Council killed my family.” Daniel said. “There you are! I was so worried about you.” She stated. “Mom, I only went to Lucius’s place and then into the woods. Here’s the money for taking bottles down mountain.” Dylan said changing back into human shape. “Who’s your friend?” She said out of the blue. Dylan sighed. “Come on out Old Wolf.” Dylan said exasperated. “For your information, I’m called Shadow Wolf. Pardon me for my rudeness Madam, but I needed to know where this boy lived as he is to become my apprentice.” Shadow Wolf said. Dylan’s mother heard him, but she wasn’t listening. Memories flooded back to her when Dylan was just a little boy and his father was being run out of town by the Wizard Council. The last thing he told her was to not worry. That he’d be safe in the woods and that he was now to be known by his wolf name: Shadow Wolf. The last she heard of him was his mournful howl. Until now, she had thought that the Wizard Council caught up to him and killed him. Dylan was amazed at the bitterness in the older wolf’s voice. However, he was eager to know more magic and to be stronger. “Unfortunately, since we only are able to use green magic, I can only teach you simple defense, healing, and attack charms. Very basic.” The older wolf told him. “That’s alright, but I should be getting home now.” Dylan told the wolf. “Understandable. However, I want to know where you live so if I need you immediately I can find you easily.” The wolf replied. “Sure, but don’t go stalking me or my family. And we’re cool right. No slitting my throat while I sleep, right?” Dylan asked suspiciously. “Yeah, we’re cool. I said I won’t hurt you. It’s safe down in the city, right?” The older wolf asked. They charged down mountain, an odd pair. An adult wolf running a little bit behind Dylan, wondering what really happened to his family. They were dead, he was sure of it and that’s why he lives in seclusion up at the cabin. “Sure is. The Wizard Council doesn’t mess with the people unless the people mess with them. They don’t pay much attention to the city anyway. The street gangs rule the streets. I’m leader of the Furs and my friend is the leader of the Claws. Our groups get along and protect the city from any danger. Even the baby blueblood wizardlings that pass through don’t mess with us. When either group has a surplus of food we barter and trade with the other group and save it for exceptionally hard winters.” Dylan explained. “Good. I might be able to return to Southbridge for awhile.” The older wolf said. The pair trot slowly into town and Dylan leads the way to his house. Oh no, thought Dylan. ‘Oh no’ is right because Dylan’s mother is standing right outside the house peering into the dark woods trying to locate her son. And she doesn’t look too happy either. “Dylan! Dylan, I know you’re here! I may not be a wolf anymore, but I still have some of my old sense of smell!” His mother yelled into the woods. Reluctantly, Dylan decided to come out of the woods. He padded up slowly to her whining for forgiveness. Previously on The Werewolf of Frost Spire Mountain: (And continuation) The other wolf thinks this youngster is trying to invade his territory. Not on my watch. Not after I’ve been chased out once before from the only home I knew, thought the older wolf. With a snarl that showed off many razor sharp fangs, the older wolf launched itself down off the extremely tall cliff, known as Dive Rock, kicking off the side of the rock wall whenever he’s about to smash into it. It’s almost like he was flying. Some wolves would consider this a suicide attempt, but he’s not a young wolf anymore and he’s had considerable practice, especially when hunters came looking for him on behalf of the Wizard Council. Dylan was frozen to his spot by fear. This is my first battle, he thought. Then he came back to the real world and realized that this wolf was going to kill him. Not if Dylan had something to say about it. Not without a fight. While the older wolf was still in flight, Dylan charged forward with a snarl and climbed the slope to Dive Rock with superhuman speed and agility. Just before they collided the older wolf launched himself off the cliff face when he came in close to it again. He was high up in the air like an eagle while Dylan was still charging ahead. “Blood of the Demon.” Dylan swore. He flipped around and soared through the air just as his father had done when his own father was teaching him the trick as a young wolf. He learns fast, thought the older wolf who was amazed that the youngster did that on a dime without having any practice at all. “Fine, but I won’t be able to come to the cabin every day and sometimes it’s just me at home and I might need a place to stay until my Mam comes home.” Dylan explained. “That’s understandable. You may stay with me whenever you want. Is your mam a wolf? You had to have gotten the wolf from one of your parents.” He asked. “No, not anymore. She was but gave it up to raise me. She took rowan to kill her wolf. And my father was a police chief; leader of the police pack. But he was run out of town awhile ago and the rest of the pack was killed.” Dylan stated. “Huh, strange. I had a family once too. A wife and two beautiful kids. The wife didn’t want the werewolf lifestyle for our kids so she took rowan to dampen down the magic and got rid of the wolf inside her. I missed so much of my kids’ lives and the oldest one’s eyes were just beginning to turn a light shade of blue when the Wizard Council ran me out of town. But no of that matters anymore because my family is dead. One day I’ll kill everyone in the entire Wizard Council.” The older wolf said. He looks like me when I was a pup. Except for the piercing eyes, he continues. Since Dylan is younger and therefore stronger; he launches himself with more power and soars higher and faster than the older wolf. He landed on top of the older wolf midair and their combined weight pulled them to the ground. They landed with a hard thud and rolled for a bit. If they didn’t roll they surely would have broken something. As it is, the move was a foolish one on Dylan’s because he could have broken his neck or killed them both. The older wolf was the first to get up, but when he came over to sniff the younger wolf Dylan twitched and tried to get up. Something about Dylan’s scent was familiar to the older wolf, however, he couldn't’t place it. The older wolf knew he should have bitten his throat and killed him already, for invading his territory, but he couldn't’t bring himself to do it probably because the invader had only just manifested, he may be valuable, or he felt sorry for him. At that instant, Dylan struggled to his paws still meaning to know why the older wolf was so keen on attacking him and why he wasn’t dead yet. Mam would be so worried about his safety, but I have to figure this out; he thought. “Rise, challenger and face your punishment.” The older wolf ordered. “Why am I not dead? You should have killed me by now.” Dylan stated weakly. “I’m not sure exactly, but something about your scent is familiar to me, but I don’t remember where I’ve seen you before. You kind of look like me when I was a pup too. Besides you might be valuable to me one day.” He said. “I’ll never work for you. I already have one employer and I’m not looking for another. I’m just trying to get to that cabin.” Dylan growled. “A darn shame then, because you’re looking at the wolf who owns that cabin and you aren’t taking it from me without a fight. Too bad too because I know you have a Mam somewhere that’ll worry if you don’t come home. Ever. The older wolf snarled back. “You may own that cabin, but leave me and my Mam out of it. Is there anyone else that lives with you in the cabin?” Dylan asked. “No, it is only me. Also I think I can train you. You see if you work on your skills of strength and all that as well as your magical abilities, you’ll be unstoppable.” The older wolf said. |
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I think you could make this story work with some editing and some practice. It's an interesting situation, but it's one of those things where the earliest drafts always need work. In this case, there are a few things that I'll point out, and hopefully they'll help you. We'll start with grammatical functions. For the most part, the grammar was pretty good, but you did a lot of changing tenses from past to present. For instance, "It was a dark and stormy night when the baby was born. This boy is to be the savior of everything he will come to know." Notice that your first sentence was in the past tense and the second sentence was in the present. This happens several times throughout the entire story, and I think that it happens with new writers a lot, because I used to struggle with it myself. The next grammatical problem I saw was with your dialogue. You would use a period after each line of dialogue, and then capitalize the first letter of the person who said it. This is improper. Let me show you what I mean by that: "Mom! Take a look at this! My scar is burning." He said to her. The proper formatting of this needs to be the following: "Mom! Take a look at this! My scar is burning," he said to her. It would be proper to use a period in the event that you did not indicate who was talking, and a lot of times you don't have to do this. After introducing both of the characters having a conversation, often times you can go several lines of dialogue without indicating who's talking because it's fairly obvious. Here's an example from your text, with some of the indicators removed: “Mom! Take a look at this! My scar is burning.” He told her. “So it has finally started.” She answered after seeing his glowing scar. “What has finally started? What are you talking about?” “The Sign of the Moon is the mark of the werewolf, Dylan. I have kept the truth from you all this time, hoping that you might not manifest. I was wrong.” You can tell that the third line is Dylan and the fourth is his mother, and if you extend the dialogue without having the tags, then you should still know who's who in the conversation. Still on the mechanical aspects of the story, I want to call to attention some of the awkward phrasing of your sentences. From the first paragraph: "He is named Dylan meaning 'son of the sea.'" This is an awkward read. Instead, it should be phrased, "His name is (was, if you're going to stick with past tense) Dylan, meaning 'son of the sea.'" It's much more compatible with the way we speak, much less awkward than the previous phrasing. Much better than what was there. We also need to discuss the first paragraph in general. Your ideas are not focused in this paragraph, as you go from talking about the storm to the boy, back to the storm and then the boy, back to the storm and then the boy again. It's very confusing, and we as readers don't know what's more important: the storm or the boy. This happens a few more times in the story, but it was very prevalent in the first paragraph. Moving forward, we'll start discussing how your plot is set up and how you could change it. From the very beginning, you did not leave any mystique or mystery as to what was going to happen. This line ruins the story for us: "This boy is to be the savior of everything he will come to know." You've told us the ending from the beginning, and though the details aren't there, the idea is to make us wonder if your character actually will succeed. Suspense is a powerful thing in writing, and if you can utilize it effectively, you can really wow some people. Continuing with that thought, you've explained so much, either through your narrator or through your mother, and what you really should have done is allowed us to wonder what the mark was. You make a mention of the strange mark, but don't make it too obvious that it is vital to the story. Something like, "Dylan rubbed aloe on the strange scar on his arm, knowing that getting rid of the horrid thing was futile, but he had to try anyway." You call attention to the scar on his arm. We wonder what it is, but we know that (at least in that sentence), Dylan resents the scar. Later when he finds out what it is, the optimal solution would be for him to hate the scar even more at first, but gradually grow into accepting it. That would be an excellent source of character growth for Dylan, and it would create a character we can sympathize and love. I also believe you've injected too much expository dialogue, and much too quickly. Your mother basically tells us the plot of the story from the get go, first with the explanation of Dylan's issues: “The Sign of the Moon is the mark of the werewolf, Dylan. I have kept the truth from you all this time, hoping that you might not manifest. I was wrong.” Next, in explaining the conflict with who I perceive to be the main set of antagonists, or at the very least, people Dylan will come into contact with at some point: “As I said, your father and I were werewolves. I gave up that part of myself when I became pregnant with you because I didn’t want this life for you. I drank Rowan bark every night under a full moon and instead of glowing my mark started to disappear because rowan helps to dampen down the magic that flows through us as well as wizards. Your father was a police officer and part of a pack that took in criminals of all kinds with their heightened skills. But the wizards didn’t like that since a lot of the crooks were wizards with taste for the dark side. He took in wizards and the Wizard Council hired wizard assassins because they are the ones with authority over the police. The assassins cornered them and killed most of them, but not your father. He was the pack leader and therefore the strongest. He killed some of the wizards and vowed revenge on the Wizard Council. They ran him out of town with the threat that they were going to kill us if he didn’t.” By doing this, you have really dealt a catastrophic blow to your story. You automatically reveal that your parents were(?) werewolves and that they have a rivalry with the wizards and the Wizard Council. The wizard assassins (a cool concept, most definitely) kill most of your father's pack, showing that they are powerful, but they couldn't kill the father, who ran away because they threatened to kill his family if he didn't. This is a mighty poor reason if you ask me, because they could just hold the family hostage or kill them outright, just to mess with the father. I know for a fact that if I was an evil wizard, his family would be held hostage. And I know if I was the father, I would have taken my family and run. Right now, you've pretty much revealed that both the villains and your father are incompetent, and incompetence doesn't make for a very good action/adventure story. You also discuss that your father was a "rebel leader," fighting an "endless war." Is the war between the werewolves and the wizards? Because if that's the case, then I don't see how a bunch of werewolves and wizards could go to school together, not to mention play in the band together. It's not exactly clear what the state of the world is, and it all seems to contradict itself. I also find it find that your mother knows where the father is hiding, and they couldn't go out and visit the entire time he was in hiding? That's a little strange, but I guess if it became clear that the wizards were threatening them, it's understandable. Except that Dylan nonchalantly states/thinks he can go visit some Lucius Fox guy (not explained who this actually guy was very well) and work. So I really think his mother knowing where his father was and not going to see him reflects poorly on her. So far, I think Dylan's surrounded by incompetent people. Random though: That guy, Beau. He kinda didn't matter, so why mention him? So Lucius just hires random people to do random work for him because he's blind? And he calls them all "Boy." I can dig that, though I think that it would be better if Dylan prove himself in some way for Lucius. So Dylan gets the job. How does he know of this secret path if he hasn't been working there for long? It doesn't seem to make sense at all. You could have a scene here of him exploring the entire area and finding the hidden pathway. Definite opportunity for some quality writing regarding Lucius and his house. I also have to ask you, Dylan just discovered he was a werewolf. How is he already proficient at changing to and from his werewolf state? Could you not utilize that aspect of Dylan's character to develop character as well? As in, the beginning, he changes against his will and can't control himself. But over time, he starts to get a hold of his werewolf side, and eventually he is forced to master it so that he can defeat his enemies. You really change the dynamic of the story when you give your main character a weakness, or just simply make him weaker, so that he has room to grow into his own shell. But most importantly is the pacing. In this first little bit, you could have at least three fully-developed chapters out of it, probably more. A prologue could introduce, vaguely, Dylan at birth or the battle between the werewolves and the wizards (I think you could have a prologue that reads like an epic poem). The first chapter could be Dylan before he goes to school, looking at and hating his scar, and then he could accidentally find a document that revealed something of his father. In school, you could introduce us to his friends, and after that, you could conclude the chapter with him discussing the situation with his mother. The next few chapters could be the Lucius Fox chapters, in which he attempts to get the job, and succeeding. Somewhere in there, or perhaps after, you could have the first werewolf encounter. Maybe when he goes to find a "secret place" that some of the errand boys talk about, he could involuntarily turn into a werewolf and backtrack to the camp, where blind ol' Lucius stops him using a magic attack or something along those lines. You can really give your characters some depth by doing this. After that, it's anyone's bet as to what you can do, because there really is an endless number of possibilities that you have for this story. I think you really have the idea right, but the execution's key if you want to develop a great story. I hope that you take these ideas in stride, thinking of them as me trying to help you and not me trying to down you. I ultimately don't want that to happen, because you're young and I think you have a lot of potential to be a great writer. I hope you continue to work on this story! Blood, sweat, and tears ultimately draw characters out of their shells, bring plots to life, and create memorable stories that people will cherish for years to come. Writing isn't easy by any means, but if you're willing to go for it and to learn, then you have quite an opportunity and a possible career ahead of you. Keep working hard! I'm looking forward to seeing what you'll do with this. We'll start with grammatical functions. For the most part, the grammar was pretty good, but you did a lot of changing tenses from past to present. For instance, "It was a dark and stormy night when the baby was born. This boy is to be the savior of everything he will come to know." Notice that your first sentence was in the past tense and the second sentence was in the present. This happens several times throughout the entire story, and I think that it happens with new writers a lot, because I used to struggle with it myself. The next grammatical problem I saw was with your dialogue. You would use a period after each line of dialogue, and then capitalize the first letter of the person who said it. This is improper. Let me show you what I mean by that: "Mom! Take a look at this! My scar is burning." He said to her. The proper formatting of this needs to be the following: "Mom! Take a look at this! My scar is burning," he said to her. It would be proper to use a period in the event that you did not indicate who was talking, and a lot of times you don't have to do this. After introducing both of the characters having a conversation, often times you can go several lines of dialogue without indicating who's talking because it's fairly obvious. Here's an example from your text, with some of the indicators removed: “Mom! Take a look at this! My scar is burning.” He told her. “So it has finally started.” She answered after seeing his glowing scar. “What has finally started? What are you talking about?” “The Sign of the Moon is the mark of the werewolf, Dylan. I have kept the truth from you all this time, hoping that you might not manifest. I was wrong.” You can tell that the third line is Dylan and the fourth is his mother, and if you extend the dialogue without having the tags, then you should still know who's who in the conversation. Still on the mechanical aspects of the story, I want to call to attention some of the awkward phrasing of your sentences. From the first paragraph: "He is named Dylan meaning 'son of the sea.'" This is an awkward read. Instead, it should be phrased, "His name is (was, if you're going to stick with past tense) Dylan, meaning 'son of the sea.'" It's much more compatible with the way we speak, much less awkward than the previous phrasing. Much better than what was there. We also need to discuss the first paragraph in general. Your ideas are not focused in this paragraph, as you go from talking about the storm to the boy, back to the storm and then the boy, back to the storm and then the boy again. It's very confusing, and we as readers don't know what's more important: the storm or the boy. This happens a few more times in the story, but it was very prevalent in the first paragraph. Moving forward, we'll start discussing how your plot is set up and how you could change it. From the very beginning, you did not leave any mystique or mystery as to what was going to happen. This line ruins the story for us: "This boy is to be the savior of everything he will come to know." You've told us the ending from the beginning, and though the details aren't there, the idea is to make us wonder if your character actually will succeed. Suspense is a powerful thing in writing, and if you can utilize it effectively, you can really wow some people. Continuing with that thought, you've explained so much, either through your narrator or through your mother, and what you really should have done is allowed us to wonder what the mark was. You make a mention of the strange mark, but don't make it too obvious that it is vital to the story. Something like, "Dylan rubbed aloe on the strange scar on his arm, knowing that getting rid of the horrid thing was futile, but he had to try anyway." You call attention to the scar on his arm. We wonder what it is, but we know that (at least in that sentence), Dylan resents the scar. Later when he finds out what it is, the optimal solution would be for him to hate the scar even more at first, but gradually grow into accepting it. That would be an excellent source of character growth for Dylan, and it would create a character we can sympathize and love. I also believe you've injected too much expository dialogue, and much too quickly. Your mother basically tells us the plot of the story from the get go, first with the explanation of Dylan's issues: “The Sign of the Moon is the mark of the werewolf, Dylan. I have kept the truth from you all this time, hoping that you might not manifest. I was wrong.” Next, in explaining the conflict with who I perceive to be the main set of antagonists, or at the very least, people Dylan will come into contact with at some point: “As I said, your father and I were werewolves. I gave up that part of myself when I became pregnant with you because I didn’t want this life for you. I drank Rowan bark every night under a full moon and instead of glowing my mark started to disappear because rowan helps to dampen down the magic that flows through us as well as wizards. Your father was a police officer and part of a pack that took in criminals of all kinds with their heightened skills. But the wizards didn’t like that since a lot of the crooks were wizards with taste for the dark side. He took in wizards and the Wizard Council hired wizard assassins because they are the ones with authority over the police. The assassins cornered them and killed most of them, but not your father. He was the pack leader and therefore the strongest. He killed some of the wizards and vowed revenge on the Wizard Council. They ran him out of town with the threat that they were going to kill us if he didn’t.” By doing this, you have really dealt a catastrophic blow to your story. You automatically reveal that your parents were(?) werewolves and that they have a rivalry with the wizards and the Wizard Council. The wizard assassins (a cool concept, most definitely) kill most of your father's pack, showing that they are powerful, but they couldn't kill the father, who ran away because they threatened to kill his family if he didn't. This is a mighty poor reason if you ask me, because they could just hold the family hostage or kill them outright, just to mess with the father. I know for a fact that if I was an evil wizard, his family would be held hostage. And I know if I was the father, I would have taken my family and run. Right now, you've pretty much revealed that both the villains and your father are incompetent, and incompetence doesn't make for a very good action/adventure story. You also discuss that your father was a "rebel leader," fighting an "endless war." Is the war between the werewolves and the wizards? Because if that's the case, then I don't see how a bunch of werewolves and wizards could go to school together, not to mention play in the band together. It's not exactly clear what the state of the world is, and it all seems to contradict itself. I also find it find that your mother knows where the father is hiding, and they couldn't go out and visit the entire time he was in hiding? That's a little strange, but I guess if it became clear that the wizards were threatening them, it's understandable. Except that Dylan nonchalantly states/thinks he can go visit some Lucius Fox guy (not explained who this actually guy was very well) and work. So I really think his mother knowing where his father was and not going to see him reflects poorly on her. So far, I think Dylan's surrounded by incompetent people. Random though: That guy, Beau. He kinda didn't matter, so why mention him? So Lucius just hires random people to do random work for him because he's blind? And he calls them all "Boy." I can dig that, though I think that it would be better if Dylan prove himself in some way for Lucius. So Dylan gets the job. How does he know of this secret path if he hasn't been working there for long? It doesn't seem to make sense at all. You could have a scene here of him exploring the entire area and finding the hidden pathway. Definite opportunity for some quality writing regarding Lucius and his house. I also have to ask you, Dylan just discovered he was a werewolf. How is he already proficient at changing to and from his werewolf state? Could you not utilize that aspect of Dylan's character to develop character as well? As in, the beginning, he changes against his will and can't control himself. But over time, he starts to get a hold of his werewolf side, and eventually he is forced to master it so that he can defeat his enemies. You really change the dynamic of the story when you give your main character a weakness, or just simply make him weaker, so that he has room to grow into his own shell. But most importantly is the pacing. In this first little bit, you could have at least three fully-developed chapters out of it, probably more. A prologue could introduce, vaguely, Dylan at birth or the battle between the werewolves and the wizards (I think you could have a prologue that reads like an epic poem). The first chapter could be Dylan before he goes to school, looking at and hating his scar, and then he could accidentally find a document that revealed something of his father. In school, you could introduce us to his friends, and after that, you could conclude the chapter with him discussing the situation with his mother. The next few chapters could be the Lucius Fox chapters, in which he attempts to get the job, and succeeding. Somewhere in there, or perhaps after, you could have the first werewolf encounter. Maybe when he goes to find a "secret place" that some of the errand boys talk about, he could involuntarily turn into a werewolf and backtrack to the camp, where blind ol' Lucius stops him using a magic attack or something along those lines. You can really give your characters some depth by doing this. After that, it's anyone's bet as to what you can do, because there really is an endless number of possibilities that you have for this story. I think you really have the idea right, but the execution's key if you want to develop a great story. I hope that you take these ideas in stride, thinking of them as me trying to help you and not me trying to down you. I ultimately don't want that to happen, because you're young and I think you have a lot of potential to be a great writer. I hope you continue to work on this story! Blood, sweat, and tears ultimately draw characters out of their shells, bring plots to life, and create memorable stories that people will cherish for years to come. Writing isn't easy by any means, but if you're willing to go for it and to learn, then you have quite an opportunity and a possible career ahead of you. Keep working hard! I'm looking forward to seeing what you'll do with this. |
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Mia03 : Great read again... Still have the problem with the Huge spaces however. :L Besides that it was good as always. Just as I would expect. Just take into consideration of what pray said.. even if it takes a while to read xD Still have the problem with the Huge spaces however. :L Besides that it was good as always. Just as I would expect. Just take into consideration of what pray said.. even if it takes a while to read xD |
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