Well, even if no one has gotten a laugh out of Morsalbus, you will all be pleased to know (though I doubt you care ) that I was cracking up while reading this thread. Especially in the first few penis-obsessed posts.

Well so long as people are laughing it's still worth it to make the journy

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. “I can’t leave,” the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.” The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?” the victim asks. “He says you’re gonna die.”

i can't oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron i can't oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron i can't oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron i can't oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron i can't oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron i can't oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron i can't oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron i can't oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron i can't oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron i can't oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron i can't oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron i can't oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron i can't oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron i can't oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron i can't oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron i can't oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron i can't oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron i can't oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron i can't oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron i can't oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron i can't oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron i can't oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron i can't oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron i can't oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron

^^ SPAM ALERT ^^

*sings: "another one bites the dust"*

LOL! They just never will learn, will they?

Originally posted by lilmark33

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i can't oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron i can't oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron oxymoron

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So basically he's saying he's a moron

Two guys are sitting in a bar. One starts to insult the other. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what will happen.
The first guy yells again “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”
The other guy says “Go home dad you’re drunk.”

Well i have some funny/stupid stuff my mother does/says. Dont get me wrong i adore my mother (only if we dont live in the same house otherwise we fight a lot).

We went into maccas one day and she went up to order. I was standing next to my mother the whole time and this is pretty much how it went.
Mother: Hi, can i get a burger
Maccas employee: We have many burgers, what one were you interested in.
Mother: It comes with small fries and a drink
At this point the maccas employee looked at me with a pained expression
Mother: And i would like cookies.
Me: oh! can we get a happy meal and a box of cookies

At drivethru for Red Rooster (a chainstore with roast chickeny goodness, pretty sure they dont have in america... yet)
Mum: Can i get three mc chicken burgers, thanks
(funny because this is a maccas item, no burgers on red rooster's menu are closely named to this one)

I was dicing meat and giving the small off cuts to mum's dog and cat. My mum walks in and says "Dogs and cats can't eat raw meat"

Leaving some two dollar shop, i happened to grab a pair of free ear phones.
Mum: Put that back, i can't afford it at the moment
Me: what? you can't afford 'free'?
Mum: yes

Mum wanted to order pizza over the phone for pickup but couldn't understand the number on the flyer which was 1300 DOMINOS or somthing like that.
Mum: But 1300 isn't a proper number, when i dial it nothing happens
Me: You have to dial the numbers that spell the word after the 1300
Mum: Oh, so that's why i couldn't get through to virginblue the other day because their number is 131 virginblue

I'm at my cousin babysitting my 6 month old nephew, who always cries when my mother comes into the room. Whereas if i'm holding him and she enters the room, he doesn't cry.
Mum: Why does he always cry when its just me
Me: Because you smell
Mum: Really?
So my mum rushes home for an hour then returns to my cousins.
Mum: Now you leave the room and we'll see if he cries
Me: What?
Mum: I went home and had a shower and put on perfume, so now he shouldn't cry
Me: I was kidding when i said it was because you smell.
Mum: That was mean
Me: Well you were the stupid person who actually believed me.


I have a few more... well a lot more actually, but i'll leave it at that for now.

Morsalbus, you laughing yet?
How about some observational humor:

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Summer is not so fantastic for me, but in the end will be so worth having a crappy summer.

I took on a weekend job at an amusement park to pay for some....performance enhancements on my vehicle =)

Originally posted by faildozer

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Summer is not so fantastic for me, but in the end will be so worth having a crappy summer.

I took on a weekend job at an amusement park to pay for some....performance enhancements on my vehicle =)

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She got REALLY close! Mostly because I think she posted in the wrong thread.

Wow, is my face red!

I thought i'd clicked on the summer thread!

My mistake, LOL

SO 2 jews walk into a bar and walk out the owners

Originally posted by tonyhelzer

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SO 2 jews walk into a bar and walk out the owners

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I dont actually get this one...

okay so at our school we have these tests at the end of each semester called finals. they pretty much test you over everything you learned that year and they are 25% of your grade. one of my finals was so hard i wrote a poem like this:

you call this a festival?
i call this detestable!
expecting us to know all this
its no wonder why so many did i miss
yet there is one thing i fear
"What shall my grade be by the end of the year.

Joke: so there was a delivery man walking into an apartment complex with a clipboard and a package. after delivering the package and getting the clipboard signed, he got ready to leave when something hard hit his clipboard. looking down at the object he noticed it was a glass eye. he glanced up and notice a young woman waving at him, "Excuse me. can you bring that back up to me. my room number is 520." he reached her door and she opened it as he approached. "Thank you." but as he turned to leave she call out to him. would you like to stay for dinner?" she asked. he stayed and after he was finished eating he stood to leave when she asked if he would come back over. "Do you always treat poeple you just met like this?" he asked. "No only those who catch my eye."

get it he caught her glass eye.


Darth Vador and Luke Skywalker where soending a christmas when Luke went to the christmas tree and started shaking his christmas presents trying to figure out what they were when Dark Vador came up behind him and said, "I know what you got for chiristmas." Luke looks up and says, "How do you know what i got for christamas?"
Dark Vador says, "I sense your presents."

don't get offended these are all just jokes......

your mama jokes

your mamas so fat that she tripped over wallmart flew over k-mart and landed right on Target.

Yo' mama's so fat, her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard!

Yo' mama's so old, she walked into an antique store and they kept her!

Yo' mama's so stupid, on her job application where it said 'emergency contact number', she put '911'!

Yo' mama's so stupid, she got hit by a cup and told the cops she got mugged!

hope you like all those jokes post back to me.

contriago: lol's at the eye joke, quite original

Next joke!
A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.
“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
"That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

Sucks to be him

A man walked along a boardwalk and saw an old woman in a wheelchair crying. He asked her what was wrong and she said that she never been hugged before. He hugged her and went to work. The next day she was in the same spot crying again.He asked her what was wrong and she said that she never been kissed before. He kissed her and went to work. The next day she was in the same spot crying again. He asked her what was wrong and she said that she never been screwed before. So he took her down to the beach, laid her down, and threw her wheelchair into the ocean and said "okay, now your screwed".

That old lady one was funny, ohand all the dick jokes. Penis. You know that's a funny word to say outloud. Penis. After reading this thread I realized that there is a lot of dicks on tv.....Have you ever watched mtv?

Okay I got a joke for you,
My dad once told me "Nice tits!"......No? Okay how about this one.......

How did it go.....
Ummm..
Damn. Oh yeah I remember!!! PENIS...LOL! <_> (smiley with a lazy eye)

a hispanic man went to the bar an took a shot
he tossed the shot-glass up in the air pulled his gun out and shot the glass.afterwards he said "We have enough tequilla to last us a lifetime.

a arabian man went to the bar an took a shot
he tossed the shot-glass up in the air pulled his gun out and shot the glass.afterwards he said "We have enough sand to make glass for centuries.

a white man went to the bar an took a shot
he tossed the shot-glass up in the air pulled his gut out and shot the hispanic man and the arabian man.afterwards he said "America has enough of them people to last us a whole millenia

u know wat u should do to mak your self laugh is go up 2 someone and kick them and say srty i saw a bug and then skip away lol

Yeah...Koga...you tend to hurt people alot when you kick them...

I think thats the point Neji

NEXT!
An dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."

"But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."