So I was lying in bed, thinking. Dangerous idea for one in my current situation. I was thinking about her, and my heart was so heavy and ached so badly. I thought I would listen to some music that I could connect with, that would let me cry it out. Yes, I do that. You'll learn a lot about me that I've kept hidden for as long as I've been here, if you keep reading. So if you wish to keep this perfect image of me and how I'm never sad or depressed, and nothing ever gets me down, quit reading. I can't blame you if you choose to preserve that fairy tale image of me, I would too if I could. That said, I chose to play "For those who wait" by Fireflight (I encourage anyone who feels the way I do now, to listen to it), thinking it would help the feelings I try so hard to fight and hide, come to the surface. Instead I found it moving me to write this and tell everyone just how things really are. As the song says, "I know I'm not the only one" who feels like this or is in a situation like this to one extent or another. I'm not the only one on here that lies awake with heartache sometimes. We all have pain, but rarely will we take off our mask and reveal our weakness. Well, here I am, Vizzed: this is me, Eirinn. In all of my glory and shame. Here we go.
First off, as I've already diclosed on here, I am desperately in love with the most wonderful girl to ever walk the face of the Earth. What you don't know is that the feeling is NOT mutual. She is my best friend and a great person, we're as close as two people can possibly be, but we're not a couple. We both agree that we would each be lost without the other in our lives, but there's no romance there. Sorry, Vizzed.
Second: ready for the big one? She lives 1,000 miles away! Literally! Yeah, that's right. We've never met in person. Nope.
Third: Maybe THIS is the big one after all. Ready? She's 17. Oh yeah, I know, half of those who would ever find out about this would write me off as some sort of freak or pervert, or hey, maybe even a pedophile! Woohoo, that's always a good one to hear! You see now why I keep these things secret? Yes, I have caught flak from almost every single soul I've revealed this to, and heard some of my closest family and friends say that guys like that are disgusting, nasty creeps. Pedos even. Thanks guys!
Fourth: This isn't important, and not even a secret, but hey, haters are just gonna keep hating. Might as well get it all out there, eh? I'm white, she's black. Racists protest and some ill advised and misinformed well meaning people will too. This is one thing that I don't care what anyone thinks about it, It won't hurt me any.

Now then, hopefully my coming clean with the secrets and ripping off the "digital mask" that we all tend to hide behind online that makes us seem just a little more perfect, will result in others doing the same. It feels good to be open. Give it a shot. If you've been lying or just not sharing the other side of the coin of your life and situation (the latter is what I was guilty of), then I encourage you to share. As a wise man once said: "Be yourself. Those who matter, won't mind. And those who mind, won't matter" (Dr Suess lol).
My pain right now is watching as she sits happily in another's arms. I'm happy that she's happy, and I support her in it, we talk about it. And hey, I'm happy despite it all, but sometimes late at night when I'm alone, it hits me, and I cry or even stay awake all night fearing the worst. I'm writing this as I lie in bed actually. I'll copy and paste it later. It's 2 a.m. and I'm pouring out my heart to a bunch of people who will read this thread. Maybe I'll be well received? Maybe I'll be mocked? Maybe I'll be scorned? Who knows? I for one don't care too much if the reaction is negative, though I do hope it is well received and others follow suit. This is me. Do what you will with it.

Requests concerning replies to this thread:
Please, no flaming. If you gotta hate or criticize, please do so via pm.
Also, please do not offer opinions on what I should do, or how I should handle it. If I wish for advice, I will pm you and ask for it.
Please, if someone does violate these requests, don't reply to them and/or state anything good or bad about how they did so, or ridicule them. If you want to defend me, I apprecaite it, but I'm more than strong enough to take belittlement or complete disregard.
Thank you for taking time to read this. Extra thanks to those who reply and abide by these requests. Those who disregard the requests: have a nice day anyway. Hope you still love me, Vizzed.

Thank you very much. I really appreciate the kind words. As for being with her: I haven't yet given up, as I couldn't have a relationship with her right now even if we were face to face, not until she turns 18 anyway (I'm pretty sure dating a minor is illegal, though I'm not positive. I wouldn't risk it). I did find your input encouraging. So thanks again. I really hope this inspires others to be a little more open (though a certain level of distance can be good on the internet lol especially in open forums).