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GuardianZack
10-13-12 12:46 AM
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01-14-13 03:00 AM
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Symphony of Sorrow

 

10-13-12 12:46 AM
GuardianZack is Offline
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| ID: 671852 | 149 Words

GuardianZack
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The dying, radiating sun fills my eyes with bleach
The frozen black wind rips through my soul like a rusty knife
Flesh melts from rotting bones, and the foul stench
Of children decaying fills my nostrils like suffocating on smoke.


My blood runs cold and dry, as if it were thick; red mud
Tears of shattered glass fall from the empty sockets of a faceless clay doll
Shrills of utter anguish, echo from the crumbling walls of my warped heart
As maggots dance to a broken record that hums... the faint melody of silence.


A dense and infinite void fills the universe with sweet, merciful Death
And suddenly I am swallowed by a sea of playful laughter
As mankind leaps from the ledge of time- into the jagged rocks of nothingness.


Now only the spirits of the damned remain hopelessly engulfed
In a haunting, yet everlasting, Symphony of Sorrow.
The dying, radiating sun fills my eyes with bleach
The frozen black wind rips through my soul like a rusty knife
Flesh melts from rotting bones, and the foul stench
Of children decaying fills my nostrils like suffocating on smoke.


My blood runs cold and dry, as if it were thick; red mud
Tears of shattered glass fall from the empty sockets of a faceless clay doll
Shrills of utter anguish, echo from the crumbling walls of my warped heart
As maggots dance to a broken record that hums... the faint melody of silence.


A dense and infinite void fills the universe with sweet, merciful Death
And suddenly I am swallowed by a sea of playful laughter
As mankind leaps from the ledge of time- into the jagged rocks of nothingness.


Now only the spirits of the damned remain hopelessly engulfed
In a haunting, yet everlasting, Symphony of Sorrow.

Vizzed Elite


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Registered: 07-27-12
Location: Knoxville, TN
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(edited by GuardianZack on 01-14-13 02:54 AM)    

10-13-12 07:31 AM
Singelli is Offline
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| ID: 671910 | 76 Words

Singelli
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GuardianZack :  Well, it's definitely.... I don't even know if 'sorrow' is a strong enough image for it!  LOL Even if it invokes discomfort in others though, that's a good thing. It just goes to prove how strong your words are, and how very effective they are to stir someone's emotions.

None of mine do that.  Most of them are just playful little things, and are completely meaningless.  Yours are on the totally opposite scaled.

Well done!
GuardianZack :  Well, it's definitely.... I don't even know if 'sorrow' is a strong enough image for it!  LOL Even if it invokes discomfort in others though, that's a good thing. It just goes to prove how strong your words are, and how very effective they are to stir someone's emotions.

None of mine do that.  Most of them are just playful little things, and are completely meaningless.  Yours are on the totally opposite scaled.

Well done!

Vizzed Elite
Singelli


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01-10-13 11:30 PM
ARedLetterDay is Offline
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GuardianZack,

   It's certainly very descriptive, however. . use of punctuation, even in poetry, can improve the quality tenfold. The first line could benefit from a comma after dying, like so:

"The dying, radiating sun. . ."

As it stands at the moment, the majority of this poem seems like a run-on paragraph, excluding the periods and the rather appropriately placed comma in the third stanza, first line. I get that it's a poem, and it's not supposed to have such grammar-perfection laced in between the lines, but the way this one is structured, as I mentioned before, it could definitely benefit from a few well-placed punctuation marks. Good job, though, in the descriptive sense!

- - ARLD 'Richard'.
GuardianZack,

   It's certainly very descriptive, however. . use of punctuation, even in poetry, can improve the quality tenfold. The first line could benefit from a comma after dying, like so:

"The dying, radiating sun. . ."

As it stands at the moment, the majority of this poem seems like a run-on paragraph, excluding the periods and the rather appropriately placed comma in the third stanza, first line. I get that it's a poem, and it's not supposed to have such grammar-perfection laced in between the lines, but the way this one is structured, as I mentioned before, it could definitely benefit from a few well-placed punctuation marks. Good job, though, in the descriptive sense!

- - ARLD 'Richard'.

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01-14-13 03:00 AM
GuardianZack is Offline
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ARedLetterDay : You were right, as it did benefit from some extra punctuation. It helped change both the speed and the tone of the piece. Thanks again for bringing that to my attention.

ARedLetterDay : You were right, as it did benefit from some extra punctuation. It helped change both the speed and the tone of the piece. Thanks again for bringing that to my attention.

Vizzed Elite


Affected by 'Laziness Syndrome'

Registered: 07-27-12
Location: Knoxville, TN
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