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08-28-12 05:35 AM
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impossible destiny chapter 4-7

 

08-28-12 05:35 AM
haitamchouiekh is Offline
| ID: 643296 | 1235 Words

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I have decided to make a few chapters in a post instead of one.

                                 chapter 4 

   today was the first day school, and I have been here for a few days now and I have learned some of the language they speak here. Anyways, I was in a group of two with a guy named Adam. Outside for our teacher. It seemed Adam knew how to speak English. He started asking stuff about me, like how old am I. Sadly he was older, .. And taller. Then our teacher came. It turned out he was the same guy in the hood that saved me a few days ago. He said his name was Isaac. I always thought that was a name for geniuses, but who now, this guy could be a genuis.so we started class by learning the simple punch and kick. I thought we had punching bags but we actually had to punch and kick each other. Now I am positive I will be dragging on the ground for this class. Damn, I hate this class of two.

   next lesson was using the simple ninja weapons, the ninja star. First we had to work on our aim. I got 14 out 45 targets, but I couldn't pass this class until I got all 45 targets. After 24 tries, I finally got 45 targets. My partner was way ahead of me. He was laughing his ass out, I totally just got face palmed by this guy. Man I am starting to get sick of him. I beat the aiming lesson now, but now we had to face moving target. And it was pretty windy. The wind was so strong it was able to move the direction of the ninja stars I threw, now matter how much strength I gave them. Then Isaac, our sensei told me that if a cant beat the wind, then go along with it. It got me confused. Then I had an idea.

   I put some spit on to my finger, and then I put my finger in midair, and that helped me find out which direction the wind was going, and how strong it was. Now all I had left was the moving targets. The wind was going east at around 80 miles per hour. So I waited until one of the moving targets was at the exact position I wanted it to be, and I threw it far to the right and I actually hit one ! So that finishes of our aiming lesson, while Adam is far ahead of me I am still far back. Then our sensei got us back together and told us. That there is a class he wants us to do together. he asked us if either of us has learned a special jitsu move. We sad no. So he handed out  5 cards each had a special ninja jitsu move. The moves were copycat, double soul, substitute, soul switcher, and transform. he said these were all begginer moves, and we only get one. I picked .......

                                                                   chapter 5
   I picked .......... coppycatter, and Adam picked double soul. I wasn't really that proud of my choice but I stayed with it. So we tried out our new moves. All mine did was copy the opponents move which means I attack last. Adam tried out his double soul move and he made 10 doubles. while I tried my move copycat, I ended up making ten doubles, epic ! Suddenly I heard an explosion. I asked sensei what was that but Adam replied saying those are the nutheads, the idiots, the crap heads, the the .. I didn't understand whats with all the  names but whatever it is he hates it. In fact everyone in the village hates them. Then I remember my mom saying something about tecknos, with all the armor, guns, vehicles. But what I am seeing is a horror movie they are shooting everyone they see in their way. 

   Then our sensei Isaac went and attacked and so did a few other ninjas. We decided to make a stupid decision and help. Adam used his double soul attack, and copied him using copycat, then we made our doubles attack while me and Adam stayed back. Then the tecknos decided to retreat without taking nothing. Then I saw something in the sky which in a few seconds I recognized what it was. it was a BOMB !! I told Isaac right away about it, then he told the other ninjas right away. We had to get it to explode in mid air  before it touches the land, so I had an idea. I know a bomb will explode as soon as anything touches the tip of it, so without anyone noticing I got a ninja star and aimed it right for the tip. then it exploded. It still did do some damage to the village but it as better then destroying the entire village. 
   
                                                                                chapter 6


   the village now knows me as a hero, and I have been learning more of the language they speak here (but I will I will translate it to English)
I still did have school, and now was in the rank 6 ninja. So was Adam. Today's class was learning to be defensive. He said could either choose to be defensive and take hits, or I could be fast and dodge hits. I thought, dodging would be better cause it was less painful. But  then sensei Isaac said most people who have been in his class picked to be fast and dodge hits, but they lacked defense, and if someone is able to get a hit on them they are usually down in one hit ..... will I guess that made me change my mind. So we had to use the classic tree on a rope thing. They cut down the tree, put it on a rope, started to swing it, and we had to catch it and stop it from swinging. It was very painful, but I know it will pay of some day. 

   I went home and ate  some lunch, then took a rest for a while. when I woke up I actually found out I was asleep for 4 days. I was going to school, expecting a punishment for missing out for 3 days. when  woke up I went out side and I everything was silent. Dead silent, when I went outside, I found everyone dead laying on the floor, I thought those tecknos attacked again, so I went back home and I found my mother dead and my little brother dead. I was starting to freak out, I decided to go to sensei Isaac, but on my way I found my .....father, he was dragging on the floor with blood all over him, he was saying run for your life son. Then he got shot. I woke up terrified and found out that was only a nightmare. My mom came in rushing, she looked worried. She put her hand over on my forehead. I thought she was measuring my temperature, then she asked me if I had a nightmare, I said yes, then she said was it about my dad, I said kind of. Then I figured out when she put her hand over my forehead she was actually  reading my mind.

I hope you enjoyed. Next I will be doing chapters 7 - 10.
I have decided to make a few chapters in a post instead of one.

                                 chapter 4 

   today was the first day school, and I have been here for a few days now and I have learned some of the language they speak here. Anyways, I was in a group of two with a guy named Adam. Outside for our teacher. It seemed Adam knew how to speak English. He started asking stuff about me, like how old am I. Sadly he was older, .. And taller. Then our teacher came. It turned out he was the same guy in the hood that saved me a few days ago. He said his name was Isaac. I always thought that was a name for geniuses, but who now, this guy could be a genuis.so we started class by learning the simple punch and kick. I thought we had punching bags but we actually had to punch and kick each other. Now I am positive I will be dragging on the ground for this class. Damn, I hate this class of two.

   next lesson was using the simple ninja weapons, the ninja star. First we had to work on our aim. I got 14 out 45 targets, but I couldn't pass this class until I got all 45 targets. After 24 tries, I finally got 45 targets. My partner was way ahead of me. He was laughing his ass out, I totally just got face palmed by this guy. Man I am starting to get sick of him. I beat the aiming lesson now, but now we had to face moving target. And it was pretty windy. The wind was so strong it was able to move the direction of the ninja stars I threw, now matter how much strength I gave them. Then Isaac, our sensei told me that if a cant beat the wind, then go along with it. It got me confused. Then I had an idea.

   I put some spit on to my finger, and then I put my finger in midair, and that helped me find out which direction the wind was going, and how strong it was. Now all I had left was the moving targets. The wind was going east at around 80 miles per hour. So I waited until one of the moving targets was at the exact position I wanted it to be, and I threw it far to the right and I actually hit one ! So that finishes of our aiming lesson, while Adam is far ahead of me I am still far back. Then our sensei got us back together and told us. That there is a class he wants us to do together. he asked us if either of us has learned a special jitsu move. We sad no. So he handed out  5 cards each had a special ninja jitsu move. The moves were copycat, double soul, substitute, soul switcher, and transform. he said these were all begginer moves, and we only get one. I picked .......

                                                                   chapter 5
   I picked .......... coppycatter, and Adam picked double soul. I wasn't really that proud of my choice but I stayed with it. So we tried out our new moves. All mine did was copy the opponents move which means I attack last. Adam tried out his double soul move and he made 10 doubles. while I tried my move copycat, I ended up making ten doubles, epic ! Suddenly I heard an explosion. I asked sensei what was that but Adam replied saying those are the nutheads, the idiots, the crap heads, the the .. I didn't understand whats with all the  names but whatever it is he hates it. In fact everyone in the village hates them. Then I remember my mom saying something about tecknos, with all the armor, guns, vehicles. But what I am seeing is a horror movie they are shooting everyone they see in their way. 

   Then our sensei Isaac went and attacked and so did a few other ninjas. We decided to make a stupid decision and help. Adam used his double soul attack, and copied him using copycat, then we made our doubles attack while me and Adam stayed back. Then the tecknos decided to retreat without taking nothing. Then I saw something in the sky which in a few seconds I recognized what it was. it was a BOMB !! I told Isaac right away about it, then he told the other ninjas right away. We had to get it to explode in mid air  before it touches the land, so I had an idea. I know a bomb will explode as soon as anything touches the tip of it, so without anyone noticing I got a ninja star and aimed it right for the tip. then it exploded. It still did do some damage to the village but it as better then destroying the entire village. 
   
                                                                                chapter 6


   the village now knows me as a hero, and I have been learning more of the language they speak here (but I will I will translate it to English)
I still did have school, and now was in the rank 6 ninja. So was Adam. Today's class was learning to be defensive. He said could either choose to be defensive and take hits, or I could be fast and dodge hits. I thought, dodging would be better cause it was less painful. But  then sensei Isaac said most people who have been in his class picked to be fast and dodge hits, but they lacked defense, and if someone is able to get a hit on them they are usually down in one hit ..... will I guess that made me change my mind. So we had to use the classic tree on a rope thing. They cut down the tree, put it on a rope, started to swing it, and we had to catch it and stop it from swinging. It was very painful, but I know it will pay of some day. 

   I went home and ate  some lunch, then took a rest for a while. when I woke up I actually found out I was asleep for 4 days. I was going to school, expecting a punishment for missing out for 3 days. when  woke up I went out side and I everything was silent. Dead silent, when I went outside, I found everyone dead laying on the floor, I thought those tecknos attacked again, so I went back home and I found my mother dead and my little brother dead. I was starting to freak out, I decided to go to sensei Isaac, but on my way I found my .....father, he was dragging on the floor with blood all over him, he was saying run for your life son. Then he got shot. I woke up terrified and found out that was only a nightmare. My mom came in rushing, she looked worried. She put her hand over on my forehead. I thought she was measuring my temperature, then she asked me if I had a nightmare, I said yes, then she said was it about my dad, I said kind of. Then I figured out when she put her hand over my forehead she was actually  reading my mind.

I hope you enjoyed. Next I will be doing chapters 7 - 10.
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08-31-12 07:49 PM
bobq is Offline
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Uh... I have to be honest. I would have liked it to be less hazy and more put together. I get what you're trying to do, but you story strikes me as this happened and then this happened and then this happened and then this.

Your story is very run-on. I feel that your lack of structure takes away from the story itself. Again, your lack of grammar I find to be off putting. If you want your story to be great, you have to incorporate all the elements of a story, not just the plot. That seems to be the area you have your mind focused on.
Uh... I have to be honest. I would have liked it to be less hazy and more put together. I get what you're trying to do, but you story strikes me as this happened and then this happened and then this happened and then this.

Your story is very run-on. I feel that your lack of structure takes away from the story itself. Again, your lack of grammar I find to be off putting. If you want your story to be great, you have to incorporate all the elements of a story, not just the plot. That seems to be the area you have your mind focused on.
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Affected by 'Laziness Syndrome'

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09-01-12 06:02 PM
haitamchouiekh is Offline
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bobq : gee what do you excpect from a twelve year old.
bobq : gee what do you excpect from a twelve year old.
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Call me Haitam


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09-02-12 12:35 AM
bobq is Offline
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bobq
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You have potential, but with time your writing skills will develop more. I didn't bother checking your age before I critiqued your writing.

To be honest though, I was never a good writer until a had a short story assignment in the 8th grade. That was when I realized that I have good writing skills. I also enjoy creating my own reality. The best part of creative writing is that you get to create the rules. There is no one to tell you that you did it wrong or that you didn't use your words properly. I break standard writing rules all the time in my writing. I make it work for my story because that is the way I chose to write it. As you get older, you will learn how to clean up your sentence structure and your vocabulary will grow. I can tell that you have a very creative mind though, so don't stop writing.
You have potential, but with time your writing skills will develop more. I didn't bother checking your age before I critiqued your writing.

To be honest though, I was never a good writer until a had a short story assignment in the 8th grade. That was when I realized that I have good writing skills. I also enjoy creating my own reality. The best part of creative writing is that you get to create the rules. There is no one to tell you that you did it wrong or that you didn't use your words properly. I break standard writing rules all the time in my writing. I make it work for my story because that is the way I chose to write it. As you get older, you will learn how to clean up your sentence structure and your vocabulary will grow. I can tell that you have a very creative mind though, so don't stop writing.
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09-02-12 07:02 AM
haitamchouiekh is Offline
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bobq : well thats nice, i really hate writing and suck at it, so i guess you wont be excpecting the best stuff from me. and i usualy only like to write my own little fanstasy stories like this one.
bobq : well thats nice, i really hate writing and suck at it, so i guess you wont be excpecting the best stuff from me. and i usualy only like to write my own little fanstasy stories like this one.
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09-02-12 03:56 PM
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That is very ok. Everyone has their genre that they feel comfortable with. I for example, like to stay close to the horror and tragedy genres.

I feel like the quality of my writing is at its best when I am in my comfort level. Never let anybody discourage you from writing, because I do know there are people who will tell you it is stupid and a waste of time. Those people are just trying to bring you down, so don't let them.
That is very ok. Everyone has their genre that they feel comfortable with. I for example, like to stay close to the horror and tragedy genres.

I feel like the quality of my writing is at its best when I am in my comfort level. Never let anybody discourage you from writing, because I do know there are people who will tell you it is stupid and a waste of time. Those people are just trying to bring you down, so don't let them.
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Affected by 'Laziness Syndrome'

Registered: 03-07-12
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