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haitamchouiekh
08-26-12 02:57 AM
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The impossibl destiny chapter 3

 

08-26-12 02:57 AM
haitamchouiekh is Offline
| ID: 642100 | 591 Words

haitamchouiekh
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Last chapter I got some comment telling me how to make my story better. bobq : thank you for those comments. they helped.
I will try to do better this time.

                           chapter 3

   so the old man asked me a few questions that I didn't even understand. But what got my attention during his speech is when he mentioned my parents. He didn't speak good English, but I decided to interrupt and ask where are my parents, and what do you know about them. He said they live in this village, in a house. I was about to go crazy, I couldn't wait to see them, so I asked, can I see them, and he replied with a yes.

   so I am still amazed that I get to see my parents again. When I found them I was never happier in my life. I was so happy to see them or at least my mom. I asked where dad was, but she didn't awnser. Then I saw a little kid looking at me. He looked kind of shy. I asked mom who that was, I was expecting her to say something like she was taking care of her friends son, but what she actually said is he is my LITTLE BROTHER. This couldn't get any better, but suddenly I almost forgot about dad, so I asked again, then her face suddenly turned from happy to sad. She told me he is gone. Well that made me keep my mouth shut  for the rest of the week.
 
   ........ yawn, I don't know how long I slept but I found my mom looking at me. She looked dead serious. A little too serious. She said she had to talk to me. She went into the kitchen and brought in some breakfast. I had some bread, scrambled eggs, and orange juice. Then she started talking. She said that I was actually born here, not in earth. That got me confused. so now we are in a different planet. It turns out the name of the planet was Dawn. And she kept on talking then she said we are in a family of Aura, a very powerful substance, but is very deadly, even to the people who use it. She said we were never aura until she married my dad. She said that dad had aura powers, and when she married him she started to get aura powers

   then I asked why was I on earth the whole time instead of being here with you. She awns red me saying that there was a group called tecknos. They have a whole bunch of technology, guns and weapons, robots and vehicles, and they are trying to take over all the ninjas, knights, and cowboys, and people of the past. We never know when they attack. But before they even start a war with us, their main goal right now is to kill all the auras, guardians, phsycics, and the 7 masters. I asked who are the seven masters, she said I will fin out later. Then my mom asked me what class do I want to be in for school. She said I could be, ninja, wizard, healer, or knight. Be a ninja was my option.it sounded cool. So ninja it is. She said ninja school was starting in four days I thought I needed some books or stuff but I didn't.

that's it for chapter 3. Hope you enjoyed. In chapter four, TJ will start training, and we meet another one of out main characters.

Last chapter I got some comment telling me how to make my story better. bobq : thank you for those comments. they helped.
I will try to do better this time.

                           chapter 3

   so the old man asked me a few questions that I didn't even understand. But what got my attention during his speech is when he mentioned my parents. He didn't speak good English, but I decided to interrupt and ask where are my parents, and what do you know about them. He said they live in this village, in a house. I was about to go crazy, I couldn't wait to see them, so I asked, can I see them, and he replied with a yes.

   so I am still amazed that I get to see my parents again. When I found them I was never happier in my life. I was so happy to see them or at least my mom. I asked where dad was, but she didn't awnser. Then I saw a little kid looking at me. He looked kind of shy. I asked mom who that was, I was expecting her to say something like she was taking care of her friends son, but what she actually said is he is my LITTLE BROTHER. This couldn't get any better, but suddenly I almost forgot about dad, so I asked again, then her face suddenly turned from happy to sad. She told me he is gone. Well that made me keep my mouth shut  for the rest of the week.
 
   ........ yawn, I don't know how long I slept but I found my mom looking at me. She looked dead serious. A little too serious. She said she had to talk to me. She went into the kitchen and brought in some breakfast. I had some bread, scrambled eggs, and orange juice. Then she started talking. She said that I was actually born here, not in earth. That got me confused. so now we are in a different planet. It turns out the name of the planet was Dawn. And she kept on talking then she said we are in a family of Aura, a very powerful substance, but is very deadly, even to the people who use it. She said we were never aura until she married my dad. She said that dad had aura powers, and when she married him she started to get aura powers

   then I asked why was I on earth the whole time instead of being here with you. She awns red me saying that there was a group called tecknos. They have a whole bunch of technology, guns and weapons, robots and vehicles, and they are trying to take over all the ninjas, knights, and cowboys, and people of the past. We never know when they attack. But before they even start a war with us, their main goal right now is to kill all the auras, guardians, phsycics, and the 7 masters. I asked who are the seven masters, she said I will fin out later. Then my mom asked me what class do I want to be in for school. She said I could be, ninja, wizard, healer, or knight. Be a ninja was my option.it sounded cool. So ninja it is. She said ninja school was starting in four days I thought I needed some books or stuff but I didn't.

that's it for chapter 3. Hope you enjoyed. In chapter four, TJ will start training, and we meet another one of out main characters.

Trusted Member
Call me Haitam


Affected by 'Laziness Syndrome'

Registered: 06-02-12
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(edited by haitamchouiekh on 08-26-12 03:00 AM)    

08-26-12 03:54 AM
bobq is Offline
| ID: 642120 | 175 Words

bobq
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Your welcome.

I really wasn't sure where you were going to go with your story, but this is something I did not expect. I must warn you though, your story immediately made me think of the lightning thief. I have no idea if you have read the book series or watched the movie, but try not to have your story shadow the plot line of another. It is important to be unique when writing. Although, it is tough because there have been so many stories created.

I hope that your story will throw me a major curve ball to catch me off guard, but I think the next chapter in school is an important one to help develop skills and relationships with both the mother and brother, along with fellow classmates. Remember, don't rush to the good part. I expect your story to get really interesting in a few chapters when possibly you begin practicing your ninja skills. Also, try developing your main character's personality more, as we still know very little about them.
Your welcome.

I really wasn't sure where you were going to go with your story, but this is something I did not expect. I must warn you though, your story immediately made me think of the lightning thief. I have no idea if you have read the book series or watched the movie, but try not to have your story shadow the plot line of another. It is important to be unique when writing. Although, it is tough because there have been so many stories created.

I hope that your story will throw me a major curve ball to catch me off guard, but I think the next chapter in school is an important one to help develop skills and relationships with both the mother and brother, along with fellow classmates. Remember, don't rush to the good part. I expect your story to get really interesting in a few chapters when possibly you begin practicing your ninja skills. Also, try developing your main character's personality more, as we still know very little about them.
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Affected by 'Laziness Syndrome'

Registered: 03-07-12
Last Post: 2213 days
Last Active: 1929 days

08-26-12 06:05 AM
haitamchouiekh is Offline
| ID: 642142 | 27 Words

haitamchouiekh
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bobq : yeah. but i never really actually read lightning theif. but thanks. i will write chapter four soon. the second character might be more of your liking.
bobq : yeah. but i never really actually read lightning theif. but thanks. i will write chapter four soon. the second character might be more of your liking.
Trusted Member
Call me Haitam


Affected by 'Laziness Syndrome'

Registered: 06-02-12
Last Post: 2070 days
Last Active: 1130 days

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