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08-25-12 02:15 PM
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the impossible destiny. chapter 2

 

08-25-12 02:15 PM
haitamchouiekh is Offline
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| ID: 641733 | 446 Words

haitamchouiekh
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                           on the last chapter of the impossible destiny. TJ got kidnapped, someone tried to kill him
                                                       
                                                                       chapter 2

     the stranger had a fancy looking like gun up to my head. I tried to scream, I was freaking out and thought I was dead for sure. And before I knew it some other guy wearing a hood suddenly kicked the man with the gun in the face, which made him go flying. But I had no time to watch, while the man in the hood was busy with the man with the gun I tried to make an escape. Apparently the man in the hood, noticed me trying to escape. When he got me, he put me over his shoulder and started running. I admit, this guy was very fast. Then suddenly some men on motorcycles started to shoot at man with hood. The problem is, this guy is carrying me ! 

   I thought for I sure this was a dream, A.K.A nightmare. Then this guy start jumping from tree to tree like some ninja expert. Then the guy with hood started to throw ninja stars at the men on the motorcycles, he hit some of them. But the rest were still following us, and they were catching up. Sense I knew this was a nightmare, I thought maybe getting hit by one of those bullets my wake me up. But that wasn't really possible sense this guy kept on dodging all of them. The one of the bullets hit the branch that he stepped on and he fell, which means I fell too ............ YAWN. I woke up hoping I woke from my nightmare. Apparently, when I woke up it didn't look like my normal bed I always sleep on. It still was very comfortable. I walked around. Then the guy with the hood suddenly took off his hood. HOLY CRAP !! This guy had the head of a fox but his body was shaped a little like a human body. I tried not to freak, especially knowing how strong this guy is. I don't even know if he was a good or bad guy. He started speaking a different language. But he figured out I didn't speak his language. Suddenly an old man came in through the door. He knew how to speak English and he really seemed excited. He asked me some questions, and I didn't really understand most of them. The he took a blue diamond near my heart and it started to glow like magic. Then he mentioned something about my mom. Then I thought maybe this wasn't a nightmare after all.

that was it for chapter two. I hope you enjoyed.
                           on the last chapter of the impossible destiny. TJ got kidnapped, someone tried to kill him
                                                       
                                                                       chapter 2

     the stranger had a fancy looking like gun up to my head. I tried to scream, I was freaking out and thought I was dead for sure. And before I knew it some other guy wearing a hood suddenly kicked the man with the gun in the face, which made him go flying. But I had no time to watch, while the man in the hood was busy with the man with the gun I tried to make an escape. Apparently the man in the hood, noticed me trying to escape. When he got me, he put me over his shoulder and started running. I admit, this guy was very fast. Then suddenly some men on motorcycles started to shoot at man with hood. The problem is, this guy is carrying me ! 

   I thought for I sure this was a dream, A.K.A nightmare. Then this guy start jumping from tree to tree like some ninja expert. Then the guy with hood started to throw ninja stars at the men on the motorcycles, he hit some of them. But the rest were still following us, and they were catching up. Sense I knew this was a nightmare, I thought maybe getting hit by one of those bullets my wake me up. But that wasn't really possible sense this guy kept on dodging all of them. The one of the bullets hit the branch that he stepped on and he fell, which means I fell too ............ YAWN. I woke up hoping I woke from my nightmare. Apparently, when I woke up it didn't look like my normal bed I always sleep on. It still was very comfortable. I walked around. Then the guy with the hood suddenly took off his hood. HOLY CRAP !! This guy had the head of a fox but his body was shaped a little like a human body. I tried not to freak, especially knowing how strong this guy is. I don't even know if he was a good or bad guy. He started speaking a different language. But he figured out I didn't speak his language. Suddenly an old man came in through the door. He knew how to speak English and he really seemed excited. He asked me some questions, and I didn't really understand most of them. The he took a blue diamond near my heart and it started to glow like magic. Then he mentioned something about my mom. Then I thought maybe this wasn't a nightmare after all.

that was it for chapter two. I hope you enjoyed.
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(edited by haitamchouiekh on 08-26-12 02:11 AM)    

08-26-12 12:52 AM
bobq is Offline
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bobq
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This story is a tough one to critique.

It seems like you have a goal in mind, but I feel like you are rushing your story to try and get to the good part sooner. Maybe try and develop a side story to go along with the main story you are telling. For example, the man who speaks English was the only other person to ever cross the barrier of the parallel universe. Also, maybe give one of your characters a split personality or something wild like that.

I like the direction your story is heading in, but I think you rushed the first parts way too much. Also, you could also clean up the grammar quite a bit. There are a number of run on sentences and paragraphs. Saying and then and then and then gets annoying very fast. Giving your story more structure will help your story a lot.

It is ultimately your story and it can go in any direction you choose. I am interested to see where you go with this.
This story is a tough one to critique.

It seems like you have a goal in mind, but I feel like you are rushing your story to try and get to the good part sooner. Maybe try and develop a side story to go along with the main story you are telling. For example, the man who speaks English was the only other person to ever cross the barrier of the parallel universe. Also, maybe give one of your characters a split personality or something wild like that.

I like the direction your story is heading in, but I think you rushed the first parts way too much. Also, you could also clean up the grammar quite a bit. There are a number of run on sentences and paragraphs. Saying and then and then and then gets annoying very fast. Giving your story more structure will help your story a lot.

It is ultimately your story and it can go in any direction you choose. I am interested to see where you go with this.
Trusted Member

Affected by 'Laziness Syndrome'

Registered: 03-07-12
Last Post: 2215 days
Last Active: 1932 days

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