I feel you there inside of me
Melting away my reality
Eating away at my sanity
Everyday my hands are stained
With truths you never told me
Your blurred image
Burned inside my memory
I tried to leave you once
But stop, just stop
Trying to hold me back
From the edge of total insanity.

Your ability to live is my chain
Death is my reins
My hatred for you growing
Is the noose around my neck
But the love that lingers still
Is the only thing
That makes me a living defect.

Take it all away
Waste it all away
Now and forever
My sins are your own because
I don't think I'll make it
Through the day.

But I take the pain
And lose the fight
The scars don't seem so deep
Without the light
My sins are your own because
I don't think I'll make it
Through the night.

What have I to lose or gain?
For your disease I lose respect
The empty existence
You gave me
Is the only thing
That makes me a living defect.

GuardianZack,

   This seems to have the same issue Ghost.Busters' poem has, as it definitely seems more like a song than a poem. Although, to be fair, most (if not all) early poetry was sung to the general public so I can't knock this poem / song too much. I could sit here and try to figure out a rhyme scheme for this, which from what I gathered is like:

A
A
A
B
A
C
A
D
E
F
A

It's very unorthodox to have a rhyme scheme like that in a piece like this, structured much like a song that lacks a chorus (although it does have the refrain line; "That makes me a living defect"). All in all, this is a good piece, although not as good as your other piece, Symphony of Sorrow, which had excellent visual description. It can use some work, but so can everything I write, too. Nice job, GuardianZack!

- - ARLD 'Richard'.

ARedLetterDay : I appreciate the feedback, and I understand exactly what you are saying. I have no problem with constructive criticism, and actually found a few areas in my other poems that I plan to edit, so thank you.


One thing to understand about my poetry, though, is that I am generally known for free-verse, and manipulation of punctuation. Just when you think I have a rhyme-scheme going, or something seems as though it is grammatically intact, boom. Everything changes, and suddenly it's hard to determine any kind of organization. I neglect punctuation purposely, and things begin to run together, giving a sense of urgency and confusion. I like to treat my work as though it were an abstract painting; in other words, break free of organization in favor of originality. Not to mention, most structures of songs and poetry alike were considered abstract, until they were recognized for their individual patterns, thus making them organized. One of the main goals of my writing is to some day coin a new scheme from my experimentation with free-verse.

On a final note, sometimes when I post poetry, you may see that some words run together with others, or are structured to form a physical image on the page as you read. Sometimes, I use words that aren't even actual words, but still portray an understood meaning. These things are normal to my style; but with that being said, feel free to critique any of my work whenever you wish. Thanks for taking the time to read.