He sits alone in his little abode
It's the only place he feels at home
He's gone and wrecked all of his past
Days come by, and it goes too fast

He's left alone to his own ambitions
He's left alone to fight temptation
The ever steady monotony of day and night
It's become too much, nothing is right.

He rises his hand, up torwards the sky
I think he told yet another lie
He neither feels or hurts.
Or even cares or knows, why does he do the things he does?

He's lost, he's hopeless, he's losing time
He cannot escape it's wrath, he's just falling backwards
He struggles and struggles with all his might.
But it's just too much, he cannot fight

When all is here, and all is gone
Where will this boy be when he's not at home?
He's safe for now, but for how long?
He knows the time, his, has come and gone

He's powerless as ever, and unfortunately,
That's all he'll ever be, in the world you see,
He has no money, no job, no friends,
He's laughing it off, it's not the end

He jokes and sneers and snorts and smiles
He's gone insane, no, really
It's gotten to the point he dreads the most
Fate and destiny, both as real as ghosts

He's dug his hole, he knows his place
But he'll never change, he's his own person.
He sits and ponders and wonders why
But it'll never change anyway, so why even try?

Every time it goes the same,
He does what he likes, he makes good,
He does what he likes, he makes bad.
He packs up and moves, and does it again.

Where is the place he feels most alive?
It's alone and cold, it's for the best
He never will get it, he's hopeless remember
So don't try and keep up hopes, for something so out of place.

I read that, and it sounded really dark. You never struck me as a type of guy who has a dark side, Leggy. What inspired this? Or was it just a random idea that you wanted to make a poem about?

thing1 :

Everyone has a dark side. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

It's just how I felt, so I felt like writing it. Pretty simple.

I really like what you were trying to do with this poem, but may I offer a bit of constructive criticism? I won't be mean I promise.

I see that you are releasing your dark side in poem form and that's awesome because I do that too. However, there are a few things I'd like to suggest for this piece. First of all, don't try so hard to rhyme. A poem doesn't have to rhyme for it to be good. In fact, most of the really famous poetry doesn't rhyme at all. I typically avoid rhyming when I write because often times when I try to rhyme I will wind up using words that don't work well with the flow of the poem. I see a lot of that in this poem. For example:

It's gotten to the point he dreads the most
Fate and destiny, both as real as ghosts.

Ghosts feels like it's thrown in there simply to satisfy the rhyme. In poetry, you try to get across as much as possible with as few words as possible, so having extra words that serve no purpose other than to rhyme defeats the purpose of a poem.

Sorry if I sounded too critical. I've been taking several creative writing classes at my college and I've learned a lot from them, so I wanted to share the knowledge.

XxChaosxX :

I get where that's coming from, and I agree poetry doesn't have to rhyme. I flip back and forth because sometimes it's just a fun thing to do.

With that particular example though, I didn't feel forced to make it rhyme, I don't believe in ghosts, and I don't really believe in fate or destiny or any of that cosmic balance of the universe what have you. So I felt I would take that time in there to throw something I view as outrageous (ghosts) and put it in company with other things I personally believe to be false.

Either way, thanks for the criticism.