This is probably one of the best written stories on this website that I have seen in a while.  I like how you have more than just dialogue, and that you are really descriptive in what they are doing.  The only thing I would recommend is that you develop the character a little more, like what he looks like and his personality.

You lose points for mentioning the Ravens, but otherwise it's ok.

I just have a gripe with one thing.



"Jacob, let’s play a game of Madden together. Let’s see how exactly smart you are in football knowledge.”

I don't get this line at all. How does a game of Madden show a superior amount of knowledge in football?

Me and my brother used to play Madden all the time... I'd choose the Cowboys, he'd choose the Patriots.

He's not bad at Madden either... we both play on higher difficulties and do well at them.

But regardless, he chose a "superior" team, and cares much more about football than I do. I'm far from a football genius.

All it proves is who is better at a video game. Doesn't really prove how knowledgable about football they are.

legacyme3 : Well, it's more of a family thing. All the characters are the actual names of my family. But, Beth and Karen are my sisters. To make the series simpler, they just all live in the same house with me, and my Mom will come into play later.

The Madden thing, well, my Dad does not play a lot of video games. But, on the few occasions I have been able to make him play Madden with me, he plays carefully, calculated. It was just a filler kind of thing. So, I guess you can say that Steve is rewarded Jacob by getting out of the house and signing up for football, and just to have a good time. The strategy part... again...a  family thing. I know I have to play more cautiously when I play any game against my dad.

And yes, Jacob would be me in this story. The story line is completely fictional. However, instead of using my name, I am using my Dog's name that I had a long time ago, and I still miss very much.

Well what do you know, looks like you're making chapters about Football and life. That is pretty awesome. I love playing Football. I throw pretty good, and my catching is sometimes good. I really good at running and I really don't try to get caught or deek someone out. Anyways, great start to a chapter man

starwars293 : It's the first chapter in the first book of a really long series. I just started it today, so if I do a chapter a day, that means lots of points for the TdV. Looks like you have some competition.

thing1 : I guess, but I can't wait for the next chapter. Can you please summon me when it's done? Please and thank you.

It says that chapter two is now here, but I can't see it.  Did you really post it or did you forget to 1) change the thread title or 2) post it.

mlb789: 
starwars293: 
legacyme3: 

Sorry about that. I will post the 2nd chapter in a second. As soon as I edited the title, I had to go with the mom and sis to get some lunch, and go grocery shopping. mlb and starwars, you guys wanted to be summoned. You asked. Leggy, I was not sure if you wanted a summon, but I thought I better give it to you since you said you did not have much of a problem with the first chapter. I hope you like the Vikings better. (they lose in this chapter, of course)


   The next morning, Jacob wakes up at around 10 in the morning, his usual wake up time for the summer days. He gets out of bed, and walks down the stairs of his Sanford Home. His Father is already up, watching ESPN, and drinking his cup of black coffee. Jacob goes into the kitchen, fixes his cup of coffee, with cream and a good deal of sugar, because he hates tasting any black in his coffee. After his
fixes his coffee, he makes a light breakfast of scrambled eggs, and the trudges back into the Living Room to talk to his Dad about the upcoming day.

   “So, Dad… when exactly are we leaving for Fayetteville? It would probably take us about forty-five minutes to get to field, don’t you think?”

   “Yeah, probably about forty-five minutes. We need to get their early, so Coach Roberts can tell me what exact style the team runs, whether is blitzing or conservative, man to man or zone coverage, and what types of team we will play, so I can plan accordingly. So that means that we will probably leave around two’ish. I need to talk to coach, and you need to get your pads.” Steve sits there, thinking about all the good times that he and Jacob are about to have, and just how exactly he is not going to show favoritism to his son on the field. “I have
been watching Steelers and Ravens highlights all morning.”

   "Yeah, I know why you choose to watch the Steelers and Ravens, Dad.” Not only is Jacob a Ravens fan, but Steve is a Steelers fan, so each time the two teams play, the father and son always have some kind of wager going on. And on top of that, the Steelers and Ravens are usually considered in top 5 defenses each year.

   By this time, Jacob has finished his breakfast. “I am going to go take a shower, and then work on some stuff on the computer, Dad.”

   “Alright, son. Go on ahead.” Sad to say, Steve never really knows what the boy is doing on his laptop that he got right after 2nd grade got out, as a present from Amy’s grandparents, but he trusts Jacob, so he leaves him be.

   Jacob then goes upstairs, grabs his clothes for the day, and goes ahead and sets out the usual things for whenever Dad makes him works out, when they play baseball, and do drills: his cleats, an old white tea-shirt, and some shorts and jogging pants, not really knowing what else to bring. He heads to the shower, and takes his usual 30 minute shower, which the family learned to deal with.  

   Jacob then gets out of the shower, dry’s off, get’s dressed, and then heads downstairs. “Is there anything you want me to do until we are  ready to go in a few hours, Pops?”

   Steve sits there, hearing “Pops.” The last time Jacob called him that was a few months ago, when Jacob was really happy.. “Naw, not really. Go play your video games. Actually… play that football game on All-Pro, instead of on Pro like you usually do. I know that game is simulated, but it might give you some ideas since it will be harder for you.”

   “Alright, ad.” So Jacob heads upstairs, and starts a new franchise on All-Pro, using the Ravens, his favorite team, of course. By the time  he is done playing the pre-season, going 2-1-1, Steve is ready to go, so Jacob grabs his stuff, and heads downstairs and straight out the doors, into that ugly green truck of his dads.

   For  most of the ride down, they don’t say much, except to comment on gas prices, and the other normal banter they have in truck, seeing as how neither of them is up for much chit chat right now.

   They finally get to the field at about three o’clock, when Coach said they needed to  be there by 4. Coach Roberts sees them pull in, and walks up to great them. 

   “Wow, you guys are here early. Most of the players don’t start getting dropped off until around three thirty. Why are you guys so early?”

   Steve explains to Coach Roberts what he said to Jacob that morning, and Coach Roberts agrees that it is a good call. “Alright, well mostly, we play a blitz, and we mix it up with man to man coverage, most of the time. Sometimes we’ll throw some zone in there, but we usually don’t. All but one of our Cornerbacks is back this year, and they are some of the best Corner Backs in the league, and that is the other coaches saying this, not me. So, needless to say, they can play some darn good man coverage”

   Jacob is just standing there while Coach and Dad are having their coach conversation.  “Hey, Coach, can I go ahead and get my pads? I  want to get the feel for them.” 

   "Sure,  no problem, Jacob. Follow me.” Coach Roberts leads Jacob over to his truck, where all the gear is. “Find a pair of pads that works. Then, I will get you your helmet.”

   So Jacob finds a pair of pads he likes, and puts them on. They are brand new. “Those are some nice pads,” says Coach. “Alright, then. Now, we need to get you a  helmet. If you are going to be playing Running Back, Free Safety, and Return Man, you need this helmet.” Coach hands Jacob a Running back Helmet. It doesn't have too many bars, but it has enough protection, which makes Jacob happy. “Alright… now, you can pick your number.  First come, first serve.”

   Right away, Caleb knows what he wants. He doesn’t know why, but he really like the number 44. “Can I have number 44, Coach?”

   “Sure, why not? That number is available.”Coach hands Jacob a jersey with the number 44 on it. “And, after pre-season is over, we are going to have out names added to our jerseys. Now, it’s time to practice. You are the last guy to join our team. We have been practicing all of last week.”

   So, Jacob is taken over to the team, introduced to everybody, and then has to run drills. He’s never done anything like this before, so by the time the drills are done, and the team is ready to scrimmage, Jacob is tired. But, not wanting to disappoint his Dad, he toughs it out, and starts on defense, at the request of Coach.

   “Alright. You all have your captains. They are going to call the plays. This way, we can see what you remember from last week. Jacob, you captain, Butch, will tell you what you need to do on defense, and the offensive captain, Ryan, will tell you what to do on offense. Alright then, let’s go”

   On the first play, Butch tells Jacob to just go straight for the quarterback, that this is an Engage Eight play, which Jacob remembers from  Madden. So, Jacob lines up where he is supposed to, and starts creeping up on the line. As soon as he sees the ball snapped, he runs straight through the line of scrimmage. The play turns out to be a Halfback draw, with the running back running straight at Jacob, thinking he is just going to plow over the new guy. Jacob, undeterred, gets low, and wraps up the running, knocking him hard to the ground.  

   The running back, names Phil, gets up, flabbergasted, that he underestimated Jacob. “How the heck are you able to hit so hard? I am nearly your size, plus half of that!”

   “I don’t know,” replies Jacob. “I guess it’s build up energy.”

   “Well, whatever it is, make sure you do not lose it. You are going to be a huge asset to us on defense.”

   Having heard this, it sounds like a mark of approval. Jacob knows that on most teams, after the quarterback, the running back is the next important, so he is happy to hear this. 

   The rest of practice is uneventful. Jacob gets the occasional hit on defense, and he gets hit on offense. This goes on all week. Until it is game time.

   “Jacob, I am going to have you on just defense and return teams this game. I want to see if you can handle it in an actual game,ever if it just pre-season”

   “Alright, Coach,” replied Jacob. “Fine by me. You're the Coach.”

   The   game is uneventful in the first half of the first game of the pre-season. At the end of the half, the score is Fayetteville Ravens – 10, Greensborough Vikings – 10.

   But the 2nd half is different. Jacob makes a nice play on defense on 3rd down, causing a punt return opportunity for him. His first two, he got about 10 yards on each. “Not this time, he thinks.” The ball is punted, and Jacob fields it perfectly.  He sees an open hold on the other side of the field, and goes straight for it. He gets through, but he gets hit right after he comes out of the hole. He already has 20 yards on the return, but he can see the end zone. He estimates he is at the 30 yard line, with maybe 2 more defenders left to go. But, at the last second, he notices he has three blockers down field, so decides to put his arm out at the last second, push himself back up, and he runs for the touchdown. That makes the score 17-10, Ravens.

   The rest of the game is dominated by defense on both sides. Each side gets an interception, the Vikings getting it through their Cornerback, and the Ravens getting it through their Middle Line Backer. Each team also gets a field goal, but that is the only scoring for the rest of the game.

   The Ravens win the game, 20-13 over the Greensborough Vikings.

   Coach congratulates everybody, and saying that Jacob had a nice punt return on the touchdown, that the offense played pretty good, and the defense was phenomenal, especially since it was Coach Steve’s first time coaching anything at all.  
   
   Jacob and Steve head home, talking about the game mostly. But as soon as Jacob gets home, he goes upstairs to take a shower, to get all the grime and dirt off of him. He puts his pads and helmet into his bag that Coach gave him, and then he goes to bed, falling asleep quickly.


I have decided to not make Jacob me, but have him based off me, meaning he has a lot of my characteristics, but not everything is true. Now, yes, the story is still developing, but it should only take another day or two (a chapter a day is the plan), to have everything make more sense, if it does not already. 

Again, If you have comments, questions, concerns, and critique, I greatly welcome them. I actually look forward to them, as it helps me know what I need to work on, and what could use a little more flare, and what could use a little less flare, if you know what I mean.

Chapter is set to come out sometimes tomorrow afternoon. No guarantees, though.

So it looks like someone needs to post here so you can get the next chapter out.

No this isn't spam, he asked me to >.>

tRIUNE : thank you. And yes, I did ask the global to post here.
mlb789 :  
starwars293 : your summons for the next chapters, my good sirs.

   The next day, when Jacob wakes up, his sister, Karen is in room, going through his books.

   “Karen… why are you messing with my books? You have no right to mess with my books.” Jacob says groggily to Karen

   “Because, I want to?” Karen replies with a sly smile.

   “Yeah, no. Put it back, and get out of my room. I need to get dressed. If I am going to be playing football, I need to work out. I’m going to go for a jog.” 

   Karen, having heard this, gets up and leaves Jacob’s room.  

   Jacob gets out of bed, and realizes what he has just said, that he is going to go out for a jog. He gets out of his bed, and changes into a pair of sweet pants, a white tee-shirt, and a pair of old tennis shoes. He walks out of his room, and clothes his door. He walks down stairs, and tells his dad what he is going to do, who is sitting down on the couch with Amy, and the kids.

   Steve raises his eyebrows, and asks if he can join. “Sure, I guess so, Dad. I have no problem with it.”

   Steve goes upstairs, and puts on his P.T. Clothes, and then comes back downstairs. Jacob and Steve head outside, and start jogging around the neighborhood. “Why are you jogging, Jacob?” Steve asks him. “You have never jogged like this before, especially at 11 in the morning, on a Saturday none-the-less.” 

   Jacob tells him what he told Karen, that if he was going to be playing football, he needed to start working out on the weekend, so he does not end up changing his mind.

   Steve is jogging along side Jacob, and he admirers what Jacob is doing, Surprised, actually. He wants to talk to Jacob about the game last night, but does not know where to start. So he starts with the crucial interception in the 2nd half of the game. “Jacob, as your father, not your defensive coordinator, I have to know, ‘what was going on in your head when you were returning your punt return for that touchdown that won the game?” 

   Jacob has to seriously consider this, because even he does not really remember that part. “Well, the adrenaline was flowing, and it just happened so fast. When I fielded the ball, I saw a hole on the other side of the field. So, I went for it. But, as soon as I got through the hole, I got hit. I threw my arm out at the last second, after noticing that I was only some 30 yards away from the end zone. I saw that I had some blocks, and I was so grateful when I got to the touchdown.”

   By this time, Jacob is passing the house, but keeps on going, much to the surprise of his father. Not to be out done by his son, he keeps jogging with Jacob. “Wow. That much was going on. What was going on when you realized that your team had won the game?” 

   “Well, I was happy that my team won, sure. But, it is just preseason. You work out the kinks, and you get everything working right.”    

   “I know this. You learn what combination works best.” Steve is amazed. Usually, Jacob only thinks this much when he is in school, reading, or playing video games. Never any other time. He is happy that made Jacob play football. “Do you think you still want to play football?”

   Jacob thinks about this. He knows that it will be a huge commitment. “Yeah, I want to keep playing. Most of the time, when I start something, I do not like to give up on it. And this is one of those times. I am going to play football, and I will be good at it.” Jacob says this so much authority, that even Steve believes him.

   By this time, Jacob and Steve are rounding the corner, with maybe a couple hundred yards left to go. “Want to race, Jacob? We have not raced in a while.” 

   “Yeah, why not? Ready? Set? GO!!!”

Really sorry guys that this chapter is so short. I just was
not feeling it, you know? I still hope you enjoyed it.