So, I was Google 'ing random crap because I was bored as mess, and I found these. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did:

I ran in to my ex the other day put it in reverse, and hit him again!

If you are going to get in trouble for hitting someone, might as will hit them hard.

Friends are God's way of apologizing to us for our families.

Sometimes we know we should not and that is exactly why we do it.

Do not piss me off, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies!

It is better to be pissed off then pissed on.

Always forgive you enemies. Nothing annoys them more.

Never put of till tomorrow what you can avoid doing entirely.

I am an angel! Honest! The horns are just there to keep the halo up straight.

We are the people are parents warned us about.

No one is a virgin. Life screws us all.

Guys are like slinkes: good for nothing but its funny when they fall down the stairs.

If life hands you lemons, throw them at people.

Everyone keeps telling me the right guy will come around, but I think mine got hit by a bus.

Unique is an understatement., I am just messed up.

I told my dad I stopped raising hell and he called me a quitter!

Just because you are not paranoid does not mean they aren't out to get you! ~It is worse when you think they are out to get you!

I do not suffer from insanity. I am enjoying every minute of it.

My mother told me not to talk to strangers. I do not even  talk to myself anymore.

Are there any guys out there who are just NORMAL?!

Hi. I am probably home. I am just avoiding someone I do not like. Leave me a message, and if I do not call you back, you are the person I am trying to avoid.

Rehab is for quitters.

1. Nothing is as easy as it looks.
2. Everything takes longer then you think.
3. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

Life is a jerk, and then you die.

Life is a douche and then you marry one.

I smile because you have all finally drove me insane!

Kid, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.

Proud mother of a delinquent child!

When life hands you lemons, bust out the tequila and salt!

Smile. It will scares people.

I was playing poker the other night with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people dead.

If payback is a jerk and revenge is sweet then I'm the sweetest jerk you will ever meet.

Of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the most.

If you are what you eat, you are fast, cheap, and easy.

Always smile. It makes people wonder what you're up to!

I am smiling because they have not found the body yet!

I live in my own little world, but it is okay,  because they all know me there!

If being sane is thinking there is something wrong with being different I would rather be completely mental.

Are we insane yet? Are we insane yet? How many times do I have to tell you YES!

Stop the world. I want to get off.

Death is God's way of saying you're fired. Suicide is humans way of saying you can not fire me, I quit.
Pissing off the system, one cop at a time.

Maybe this world is another planets hell.

I am not crazy. I am a teen

Crying does not help with anything, try your luck with violent mood swings.

Smile, tomorrow will be worse.

I am dark and mysterious and pissed off!

Just because you do not care does not mean I do not understand.

When I am right, no one remembers, but when I am wrong, no one forgets.

I am so  sorry.  I accidentally hit a guy in a crosswalk. I am so sorry.

Where are you going? "Slowly insane".

*Sometimes I lay awake at night and wonder "Just where did I go wrong?' That a voice comes to me and says, This is going to take more
then one night.

Embrace the nerd that you are!!

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it's limits.

The problem is not the problem, the problem is your attitude about the problem.

Just because I can kill, does not mean I can not love.

Be weird whenever you have the chance!

When you are involved in an accident and someone ask's "are you alright?" say back "Yes, I am fine. Thanks. I will just pick up my limps and be on my way".

People think I am crazy, but actually I am just bored.

Evil is just live spelt backwards.

It is tough being a teenager. Half the adults are telling you to find yourself and the other half are telling you to get lost.

I do not care what you think of me... it couldn't be half as bad as what I think of you.

I dance to my own band, it does not matter if they are a little out of tune.

We never really grow up. We just learn how to act in public.

Driving is fun. Did you ever run over a guy? And then you panic? So you back up and run over him again? You ever notice the second crunch is not as loud as the first? I think it's because the guy already has tread marks on him. But there he is, lying right in front of your car. Might as well run over him again. What are you going to do this time, drive around him?

I think highways should have a beer lane.

I would not be surprised if I was voted most likely to kill everyone at a high school dance.--- Kurt Cobain

I am so happy, cause today I found my friend: they are in my head.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we are OK now?...

QUIET! I can not hear you & all the voices in my head at the same time!

Only good girls go to heaven... I was not invited.

We all go a little mad sometimes. Haven't you?

Remember: Amateurs built the Ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

God, please save me from your followers!

We are all quite mad here. Ha... ha ha ha ha ha! You may have noticed that I am not all there myself.

Reality is for people who lack imagination.

I do not have issues; I have happiness.

Reality has exiled me; I am no longer bound by it's laws.

The United States is putting together a Constitution now for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It's served us well for 200 years, and we don't appear to be using it anymore, so what the hell. - Jay Leno

Thank you for Not Smoking. Cigarette smoke is the residue of your pleasure. It contaminates the air, pollutes my hair and clothes, not to mention my lungs. This takes place without my consent.

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. Of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon.' Need I say more? --- Chris Rock

The knife just slipped. Sixty-seven times.

My hormones don't rage. Oh sure, they get mad sometimes, but then they just stop speaking to each other.

I do not smoke pot. But I sometimes hang around people who do. They always have great snack ideas, and if you are low on cash, it is a good group to hang out with for a free meal. If all of your friends are stoned, just start talking about cheese pizza, or graham crackers with peanut butter. You'll be well on your way to snack heaven in no time at all! Do not forget, they all love dessert as well!

I did not commit a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.

Never knock on Death's door: ring the bell and run away! Death really hates that!

According to my parents, I am a potential serial killer.

There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and ‘mental illness'.
 
I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no freaking way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the heck can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why ca not paper do this to people? Why are not sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating student as they attempt to take notes in class? I will tell you why, because paper can not beat anybody, a rock would tear that crap up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, oh, I am sorry, I thought paper would protect you, you fool.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you have got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry is not  your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
Strangers have the best candy.

There are 2 types of pedestrians:  the quick and the dead.

I had to do a good bit of editing because there were quite a few cuss words in it. I am sorry for that.

If you can find any more funny quotes, or think of any of your own, feel free to post them here, so other people can have a good laugh too.

This house is protected by a shot gun three hours every day,  guess witch ones!

I've seen this one somewhere, it was kinda funny and messed up:

Don't knock at Death's Door. Ring the doorbell and run. He hates that.

xD