Give me your opinion; I'm not saying this to sway your opinion, but the second half is going to go wicked fast.

Oh, okay, and I typed up a whole critique. D=

I'll have to finish it first before I give an opinion though.

Thank you; Your opinion really helps me better my writing.

I'm going to post my Chapter 1 and 2 critique and opinion.

General opinion : I like the story, and it is the type of storyline that makes me want to read more to find out what happens. Really good, mate! =D

If you didn't want such a detailed critique, by all means, let me know and I will delete this pronto.



Note : I did this because I enjoy it. Under no circumstances do you need to feel obligated to follow my advice or defend anything I say. If you think I was too harsh, my apologies, but one must be cruel to be kind.

Now, critique!

--Prologue

Of course, you may think a child will bare no significant impact, but this was no ordinary child.
Firstly, that bare should be bear. Also, you say that it will bear no impact. Impact on what?

Shadu also had a knack for getting into trouble, as you can see.
Actually, you should rather say, as you can imagine, as you only gave hypothetical examples, not actual instances.

You know what results, actually you most likely do not- after drinking this chemical, he felt dizzy and struggled to stand.
"You know what results" and the "actually..." sentence should be two sentences because it is two different ideas, the second changing the first.

Coin after coin, the more he saved up, the more his satchel of money increased in weight.
That is a kind of pleonastic sentence, which is out of context, but you can leave it if you want.

I notice one thing about the whole prologue is that you never describe what he looks like. If you intended this, then I have no problem with it, but if this was accidental, remember that many readers like to have a clear image of who the main protaginist is, as well as what he looks like and comes across as.

--Chapter 1

He noticed the wind was becoming colder as he took every step. Shadu keeps marching forward, until there was something that caught his eye.
Keeps should be kept. Remember to keep everything in the same tense.

A small block of ice was slightly stuck out of the ground.
Something can't have been slightly stuck out of the ground. Rather, it was sticking slightly out of the ground. Or even better, "A small block of ice was partially revealed, stuck in the ground."

Shadu closed the journal and continued onward. The cold air began nipping at his face. Snow came down heavier gradually.
That last sentence seems strangely phrased. Rather use "The cold air began nipping at his face as the snow gradually grew heavier."

He would continue walking, except the faint sound of footsteps disturbed him.
Strnage phrasing. "He would have continued walking, but the fain sound of footsteps disturbed(strange word, maybe distracted) him."

He paused and still hear the crunching of the snow.
"He paused, still hearing the crunching of the snow." OR "He paused and still heard the crunching of the snow."

Until then, Shadu observed every inch of every solitary step he took. He was taking no chances.
and
He took every single step cautiously as if it were his last.
That is also a double sentence. You say the same thing twice, just slightly rephrased.

(Everything was new to him, the snow, ice, cold air, everything. ) + (Something by the name of 'winter' ! It's fascinating! I never knew winter consisted of cold wind and flaky frigid pieces from the sky)
What's strange is he has read a lot of books according to previous facts, and he knew what snow was, but then he speaks of flaky frigid pieces from the sky. That's a strange contridiction, and seems wrong.

After several moments of searching through the thick spell book, he alas found the spell.
Alas is usually used for something bad. I think finding the spell is good, so remove alas, or replace it with something else like finally.

He was cunning and swift, unlike any average boy from Croheria.
How did Shadu know this? He only met him a few seconds ago, and he already made a judgement on his temperament? Unless this is the narrator speaking, in which case, you should try to discern it more clearly from Shadu's thoughts.

The fall quickly startled him and he jumped back up to prevent being further embarrassed.
and
He quickly felt a brief sting from his left arm.
Try not to use the same words twice directly after eachother. It makes for tedious reading. The "quickly."
Oh, and I doubt that one can be quickly startled. Startled is already quick. So my suggestion is remove the first occurance of quickly.

Croheria's bridge was now in sight, and more and more violent the brewing storm became.
Your tense is wrong, and this sounds like Yoda. It should probably rather be : "Croheria's bridge came into sight, as the brewing storm became more and more violent."

The question was how Tom did not feel the same way from the impact of the storm. Perhaps he grew to bear the wintry fierceness, but for now the main question was how Shadu would get to Croheria in time before his body died.
That is strangely phrased. Try going for a more speech-like wording. "The question was why Tom wasn't affected by the impact of the storm like Shadu was."
Also, you say the question was how Tom did not feel the same way, but then just after that you say the question suddenly changes to how Shadu would get to Croheria. I suggest wording that whole piece differently maybe.

In general, really good. I like the story so far, and it makes mostly sense. There is a few strange things that came to my attention though. Firstly, remember to keep to a tense. Changing tenses in the middle of a paragraph, or in a story even, is a phenonomen that makes for bad reading. Also, you tend to phrase your sentences strangely. I suggest reading it out loud, and seeing if it sounds right like that.

And lastly, a small thing, but, how did shadu hear someone's footsteps in the middle of a blizzard, and walking in snow?

Will do more chapters later.

Not to be snippy, but if you actually didn't SKIM and read the prologue, you would know 99% of the answers to your critique for it. Same for the first chapter; The blizzard wasn't even THERE until it picked up later when he met Tom. It also has come to my attention that you don't read details 99% of the time when you're reading, just skimming. While this is good, critiquing does not work that way. "He heard someone's footsteps crunching in the snow" answers your question right off the bat.

Yes, I know "bare" and "bear" was a mistake.

Obviously you haven't read long stories before. "Wouldn't bear a significant impact." means IN GENERAL, IN LIFE which represents that he isn't expected to be important, but his story changes all that.

I did give examples of how he was mischievous...

While I understand some of your critique, sometimes you just tell me my sentences are phrased in a way that is, in a way, blasphemous to the rest of the world's writing.

Saying I phrase something like Yoda is infuriating; You're saying I write like a midget fictional character from another story. In fact, please go read Hamlet or Atlas Shrugged, you will see when you critique and say "Weird Phrasing", it actually means that you haven't even read high-strength books that are slightly more difficult to read.

One thing that made me laugh was when you did not even realize that ITALICIZED and STRAIGHT text separates Shadu speaking and the Narrator himself speaking. You should look into that and remember that when an author tweaks text it means that something is happening that the narrator is not describing.

I am not describing the way the character looks by describing money; That's hilariously ridiculous. Chapter 2 describes the character.

I love the critique you have created, it's helped me, but I am slightly uneasy when you just put "Weird phrasing" and then just throw another sentence in its place without providing any more depth of explanation.

As for the books he read, ALL of them were written by villagers who were completely ignorant to the outside world and made facts based on stupid assumptions, which is not contradicting his hobby of reading.

This book isn't a book; It's a world, so remember that I am trying to pay attention to every factual detail possible that is in this world; If it makes you confused, read it again until you finally understand it.


However, you are very helpful and I thank you very much for your critique, it has assisted me greatly. SSK, you're the best!

Originally posted by iBOCK3

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Not to be snippy, but if you actually didn't SKIM and read the prologue, you would know 99% of the answers to your critique for it. Same for the first chapter; The blizzard wasn't even THERE until it picked up later when he met Tom. It also has come to my attention that you don't read details 99% of the time when you're reading, just skimming. While this is good, critiquing does not work that way. "He heard someone's footsteps crunching in the snow" answers your question right off the bat.

Yes, I know "bare" and "bear" was a mistake.

Obviously you haven't read long stories before. "Wouldn't bear a significant impact." means IN GENERAL, IN LIFE which represents that he isn't expected to be important, but his story changes all that.

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I never 'skim' over pieces of writing I critique.

Originally posted by iBOCK3

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Saying I phrase something like Yoda is infuriating; You're saying I write like a midget fictional character from another story. In fact, please go read Hamlet or Atlas Shrugged, you will see when you critique and say "Weird Phrasing", it actually means that you haven't even read high-strength books that are slightly more difficult to read.

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=( You are implying that I'm reading children's books or what? Don't do that. Don't counter my critique with insults. =( I read "high-strength" books. And saying you phrased it like Yoda was an example of what it sounds like. This doesn't mean "you write like a midget fictional character". =((

Was that "you are the best sarcastic?" D= If not, thank you.

It wasn't sarcastic; While I am thick-headed and stubborn and found some small things about your critique a teensy bit rushed, I loved it! It's helped me write better.

Okay.