I truly don't know how to feel about all this... I feel like crying, being depressed, being happy, being regretful, being shocked, being anything. 

OK, so. Let me explain the story. 

... As most of you guys know, I joined Vizzed a while ago, maybe three, four months ago. I call those days the dark days, not because I was on Vizzed, but because I was truly in a low point of my life. I went through abuse, suicidal urges, cutting, violence, drugs, and alcohol, and threat of homelessness. All of this from school. Yep, only school and my parents. I'm not blaming them for this, but they are partly the reason I was like that. They set their standards for school high. Really, impossibly high. They expected straight A's, and they considered B's as failure. I started skipping school in October or November, because I truly had a passion of hatred for school. I would not give a f*ck if I got a full loaded gun, and shot up the school. Yeah, I'm that kid. At that time, I only skipped a class. Then two. Then a full day per two weeks. Then a week... Then it was non-stop skipping. I ignored everyone, went into my personal world of darkness, and did whatever the hell I wanted during those hours. I even would arrive home at 12 PM sometimes. Anyway, moving on... Towards the end of the school year, I dropped out, officially, with my reluctant parents agreeing. The only exchange was for me to take up online school. Even then, they pressured me so much, I'm not even doing online school. Because of all that, my friends got worried. And more worried each time I disappeared. This is my topic, my friends. I always thought them to be my closest friends ever, except they don't know what's going on. Why? They're a happy-go-lucky bunch, and even if I told them I wanted to kill myself, they'd think I was kidding, and laugh, and I would laugh along with them. I was basically playing a facade. I never thought, even to this moment, they would see through it. I received a e-mail through my mom, from my bestest friend. I'll quote it for you. 

"Hello, Lori (my mom),

I hope you had a good day. I hasn't seen Lynn for so long and I'm getting more concerned about her. Last time I heard about Lynn was when she refused to Hornby Island. I would love to make a plan with Lynn this summer, I would love to see her again. I miss her terribly.

I'm also concerned about other things. Did she drop out because she was feeling left out? Did she drop out because she didn't feel connected? I know she's dropping out and I know there's a deep reason behind this all. I do love Lynn as a best friend, I know she may made some wrong decision but I do still love her and would love to see her again. Also I want to let her know that she don't have to be scared to see me if she ever feel that way. 

Yours faithfully, 

Rasmussen Marina." (My best friend).

I always thought they were pretty much school friends, and camping buddies, etc, sometimes hanging out off-school. I never thought they would be like this. I didn't even know they would be concerned... After all, each time I popped back to school after a long drop-out period, they'd act like nothing happened. Marina sees me, and she doesn't know what I'm going through, but she knows there's something bad. What the hell do I do? I'm ashamed, and I want this buried already, and I regret a lot. I never expected this from her, and I just don't know how to react. That's all. 

I know this might be really long to read, sorry. 
I chose this forum because it's secretive, yet full of who I trust the most on the site. 
I just needed to get this off my chest and listen to your replies. 

First off, don’t never apologize simply because it is a long post. Okay. Now for the importance of this reply. You now know that one of your “school buddies” actually has a concern for you. That may be more than what other have. I may be a grown man, but I would be crying over this if I were in your shoes. When I was hitting my own low point late last year, I was hiding my problem from both my friends and family. I hid it because I just wanted it gone. I thought it would blow over, but I was only making things worse for myself.
I can say that my low point is behind me now but that should be beside the point. The point is you have a friend who wants to help you. Talk to her. She may not have all the answers, but maybe she can help you. Let me tell you, sometimes the least you need is to talk about it. And you can PM me anytime you want to talk. I may not have the answers to your problems, but I, too, want to help if it is possible.

As I have been elsewhere, I am going to be bluntly honest, and you may not like it... but I feel that honesty is best. I've been there myself, I've seen friends do things like this too.

You've just gotten the wake-up call that people do notice what is going on with you. You are not "all alone" and the "no one understands me" line is totally not true. Personally, you seem to have been acting very selfishly and going into a downward spiral as a result that is only hurting you. You're annoyance with your parents over grades made you drop out of school. That doesn't hurt or punish them, only you. It doesn't matter what grades they want you to get, just that you pass. It would be nice if you wanted to succeed in school and get higher grades, but it is your choice to do that. But just dropping out is only going to hurt you down the line and you will regret it. Trust me, my sister did that and she is very, very bitter now.

My plea for your education aside, I think you should call your best friend. Obviously, if she is concerned enough to email your mother since I she couldn't reach you directly, that shows she actually considers you a friend. You feel ashamed for assuming your friends didn't care, and honestly you should be (no one is that good of an actor, they always notice). But you cannot just push it under a rug and have it all go away, you need to address it. Call her, talk to her, explain what has been going on, how you've been feeling, and that you had no idea she was so concerned... and apologize for cutting her off. They laughed and act like nothing was wrong because you were broadcasting clearly that you didn't want to  talk about it. But friends can only do that for so long before the concern prompts them to action, like Marina's did.

I know right now you are feeling bad about it all, and unsure of how to proceed, but look at it this way: you have been given a new chance, you can reforge your friendships and get your life back on a track that you want it on. The feelings of regret will pass, trust me. It will take time, and they will never fade completely, but you cannot change the past... only the future. Your friends online and in real life are here for you, and we want you to succeed. You've been offered a helping hand, I say take it.

Snowdeath : I've been there. I've felt that way in the past. The best thing for you to do is try to get your life back on track, and confide in your friend. She obviously cares about you. Otherwise she wouldn't have tried to find out what's going on. Don't be ashamed, it's not your fault that you were mistreated. There's no shame or blame in it.