Feedback requested... Reply damn you!

Okay, this is a bit of a novel that I am writing. I've posted it on other boards and have gotten a lot of positive feedback on it. This genre is not usual for me to write... in fact this is the first story of this type I've ever done. I would appriciate some honest, constuctive criticism and opinions. If something confuses you, let me know and I will either fix it or explain it later in the book. Chapter one is nearly done.

Prologue: The Rally

Excerpt: Psycho's Nightmare

Excerpt: Secret Moment

The two excerpts are from a bit later in the book, I estimate chapter 2 or 3, and they immediately follow each other.

And because it's better safe than sorry, I add this:
© 2004 Crystle L. Stevenson.
Darkfangâ„¢ and all characters contained therein are property of Crystle L. Stevenson and may not be reproduced without permission.

I read some of it and so far its a good if you like that kind of stuff that is, the characters are most likely the best part and you should add a little more action if you can that would be tender.

Well I am currently working on chapter 1, which will have a gun fight, so hopefully that will be good. I plan on going back for more detail after I finish the rest.

I take pride in the fact that Psycho's Nightmare gave Shaddow nightmares, lol.

Oh Elara! I love you writing! ... and yes... nightmares...

(*copies and pastes something that I've said allready*)

When I read this, I stopped seeing the words as my eyes rolled down the screen. I started seeing pictures. (Perhaps I get a little too into what I read... ) I saw the objects, the people the everything! All my senses were taken over and I felt like I was there!! *twitches* At one point, I wished that wasn't the case...

Yeah... great story... I'll buy it when/if you get it published.

Okay, it's not done yet, but here is what I have so far with the first chapter. Let me know what you think!

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“Rogue, watch out,” Ivy called out as Laurana saw the gun fire in her direction. She instinctively dove to the side to avoid the bullet as it streaked past her. In the past eight years she had become quite good at dodging bullets… and explosions as well.
Quick as she could, she brought her Barretta up and fired at the solider that had shot at her. It still felt strange to fire at military personnel, since she had been raised by them her entire life, but this was war… and they were the enemy. The man dropped as a bullet from her gun ripped through his skull—another direct hit. Ivy and the others had taken care of the remaining soldiers guarding this corridor, so Laurana simply climbed to her feet and moved up to join them as they continued towards their objective, picking up the fallen soldier’s weapon as she passed.
They were in the army base located just south of Santa Barbara, it had been built ten years ago mainly as a research facility for the computer technology. As they walked, Psycho in the lead, Laurana thought about their mission for the day. Goblin had received information that the base had developed a new type of computer chip with capabilities that would make any hacker drool—but there was no clear information on what kind of machine the chip was designed for. Clearly this warranted investigation, and so the members of Darkfang had set out to take the prototype chip for study.
Darkfang… that was the name the six of them had chosen for the rebel cell they had formed that day eight years ago. It had been Oni’s suggestion, and it was by far the best name anyone had come up, so it was the name they had gone with. It was now known across the globe, along with the insignia of a black fang against the background of a blood red moon that Psycho had designed.
“Where do we go from here, Goblin,” she heard Psycho ask as she turned her attention back to the task at hand.
“We need to get to the second floor. That is where the lab with the chip is,” the messy-haired hacker answered. “The only ways up are the stairs and elevator on the west side of the building.”
“Where are we now, Goblin,” Laurana asked as she pressed herself against the wall and peeked around the corner. No sign of anyone.
“Right now we are still on the north side; we need to head down the corridor on the right to get upstairs… it’s bound to be swarming with guards.”
“Let’s go left then,” Psycho said.
“Left,” Goblin exclaimed, “Why left? We need to go… oh no, not another one of those f***ing plans!” Laurana had to bite her tongue to keep from laughing as Goblin started a frantic plea to do the mission the easy way for once.
“Oh jes stop yer b****in’ an’ do as she says,” Pockets snapped. “Ya know it’ll be easier her way, t’always is in the end.”
Goblin glared at the Irishman for a moment before finally sighing in resignation. “Fine… then let’s get moving already.”
As the six of them made their way down the left corridor, Laurana looked at the structure itself. The walls were painted a sterilized white with doors made of mostly glass so there was little privacy. Something about the way it looked seemed familiar to her… very familiar.
“Wait a second, y’all… I think I might know a shortcut,” she said loud enough for them to hear.”
“What do you mean, Rogue? You’ve never been here before,” Ivy began.
“I know I haven’t but it looks like this base was built with the same plan used to build the one I grew up at. There is a hidden staircase around the corner, or at least there should be.”
“But you can’t know that two bases share the same blueprints just by one hallway,” Goblin spat angrily, “besides it would have showed it in the blueprints if there was a hidden staircase!”
Laurana looked at him with an irritated glare. It was not often that she lost her temper, but she wanted out of this place as soon as possible (it had no windows) and he was holding them up. She spoke calmly and quietly as she stared at him with a dangerous glint in her eyes.
“Goblin, do you honestly think that they would be stupid enough to input the complete blueprints into the computer, showing the hidden staircase in a military research facility when they know that there are hackers like you out there?” His eyes widened a bit, but he remained quiet as she continued. “You can pull up the blueprints of the base in Montgomery if you want… you’ll see it’s identical.”
“Um…guys,” Oni interrupted, “I don’t think we have time for this. If the door is there, it’s there, if it’s not we didn’t go out of our way to look, so let’s go.”
The others nodded in agreement and followed him as he started down the corridor again. Laurana passed him so she could see if her assumption was correct. Silently she peeked around the corner, hoping she was right. There was the solid door marked “Utility” just like back home, she would have sighed with relief had it not been for one thing. Just like back home, there was a solider stationed near the door.
s***!
Laurana pulled back, leaning against the wall and closing her eyes. She had forgotten about the guard, and it was more than likely he had heard Goblin’s ranting down the corridor a few minutes ago. A gentle nudge from Oni got her to come back from her thoughts and she slowly turned to answer his inquisitive look.
“There’s a guard,” she mouthed as she held up one finger, “and he most likely knows we’re here.”
Ivy made a sour face as both she and Pockets tuned to glare at Goblin, who answered with a typical fierce stare. Laurana could tell that he was not in a very good mood. It’s easy enough to surprise a group of guards at the main entrance, but to get one guard when he knows you’re there is a different matter… Laurana could only hope he hadn’t radioed for back-up already.
“Out of my way,” she heard Psycho mutter as she made her way forward, gun in hand. Her face was blank; the usual impish grin that she was so used to seeing on her leader was no longer there. Laurana had come to fear that blank expression.
Silently she and the others watched as Psycho raised the gun and took aim down the hallway, presumably at the guard. She heard him move in surprise as he spoke.
“What the hell? Halt where you are…” was all he got out before Psycho fired her Glock, the blank expression still on her face. The sound of the man’s scream seemed to echo for a moment as Laurana stood there, transfixed by Psycho’s face. After a moment, Psycho lowered the gun and started down the corridor towards the hidden staircase, breaking the trance the others had been in.
“Let’s move… they’ll be here soon,” she muttered.
“Ya know,” Pockets whispered to Laurana as they began to follow their leader to the door, “she really scares me sometimes.”
She did not reply as they started up the narrow metal stairs, the sound of her feet echoing as her boots made contact with the steel. Once again, she was worried about what was going to happen. The shot had been loud, as had the scream… if a platoon of guards was not on the way by now then they must have been dead. As they reached the middle of the stairs she heard the sound of footsteps approaching, the guards at last. There was only one problem with that however.
“They’re coming from both directions,” Ivy said as she spoke Laurana’s thoughts.
“gosh darnit,” Goblin exclaimed, “we should have just taken the right corridor like I f***ing said!”
“Shut up and get ready,” Oni shouted. He was starting to go berserk, Laurana could see the blood vessels in his eyes bursting, making them turn red.


To be continued....

You use your vocabulary well. It sounds pretty natural and flowing. The story reminds of of a Sci Fi revolution book called Johnny Zedd. In it they are terrists in "the movment" Fighting against the gov. But eventually they find out that is has become a tool for the goverment to control the radical people who want to rebell. So then it all goes hog wild. Are you going to change the names? Or are they pretty well darn set? Goblin seems like a wierd name. The names work, but they don't sound... as reallife as the rest of the story.

The names are set in stone actually. They're codenames. Each character has a real name as well, that shall be revealed in the course of the story. Goblin, for example, is really named Toshiro Sanders (half-Japanese, father is white). He got his nickname because of the psychotic grin that he has, which really makes one think of a goblin.

The character is based off one of my friends. For those that remember AnimeRPJunkie here on the board, that is who I am talking about. He really does have that grin, and it is mildly disturbing.

that prelugue was awsome, great story line and use of character discription. i picked up one or to spelling errors but its only the first runthough of the story editing is done after.... anyways awsome wen's the book gona ready cauz i want a copy

I'm not too sure when it's going to be ready actually, since with school I am finding it hard to find time for writing (damn you calculus!!)

What spelling errors did you find? It'll be easier for me to correct them later if I know where they are.