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03-28-24 06:40 PM

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TSsilent
04-28-10 05:07 AM
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mdynasty926
04-28-10 02:12 PM
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an empty play ground

 

04-28-10 05:07 AM
TSsilent is Offline
| ID: 174822 | 329 Words

TSsilent
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An empty playground


Hi the names alice, just an ordinary 12 year old girl living with my mum in a big house on a corner street, but something was about to happen something i could never imagine, something worth living for.


"Wake up sunshine" sang my mother as she opened my curtains to let the light flood in "come on now breakfasts getting cold" said my mother "ok mum" i replied
but did i move? of course not i was admiring the chance i could look like mum one day,
my mum was always smiling and always happy she has the most beautiful long brown hair always shining in the light, she is tall and slim with great wide blue eyes and the same red lipstick as always and a great smell of perfume in the air.
"mum when i grow up will i look like you" i asked with pure delight " you can look however you want my darling come on now up you get lets go i have something to tell you but only at the breakfast table"
"ok mum ill be right down" i said happily.
I ran to the bathroom and brushed my teeth thinking of what it was my mum wanted to tell me, ussually its something great like yesterday we went to the zoo and the day before after i came home from school we went to the cinema, my mum alway likes to keep me happy espiacially now that dad isnt here no more, he passed away 3 years ago when he was hit by a car and ran down i was so upset, eversince then my mum has taken care of me and taken me places everyday so im exited to hear whats happening today.
i changed into my bright pink top and blue jeans and rushed downstairs to the kitchen, "ok mum im here" i shouted, i couldnt wait to here what she had in store for me today.
An empty playground


Hi the names alice, just an ordinary 12 year old girl living with my mum in a big house on a corner street, but something was about to happen something i could never imagine, something worth living for.


"Wake up sunshine" sang my mother as she opened my curtains to let the light flood in "come on now breakfasts getting cold" said my mother "ok mum" i replied
but did i move? of course not i was admiring the chance i could look like mum one day,
my mum was always smiling and always happy she has the most beautiful long brown hair always shining in the light, she is tall and slim with great wide blue eyes and the same red lipstick as always and a great smell of perfume in the air.
"mum when i grow up will i look like you" i asked with pure delight " you can look however you want my darling come on now up you get lets go i have something to tell you but only at the breakfast table"
"ok mum ill be right down" i said happily.
I ran to the bathroom and brushed my teeth thinking of what it was my mum wanted to tell me, ussually its something great like yesterday we went to the zoo and the day before after i came home from school we went to the cinema, my mum alway likes to keep me happy espiacially now that dad isnt here no more, he passed away 3 years ago when he was hit by a car and ran down i was so upset, eversince then my mum has taken care of me and taken me places everyday so im exited to hear whats happening today.
i changed into my bright pink top and blue jeans and rushed downstairs to the kitchen, "ok mum im here" i shouted, i couldnt wait to here what she had in store for me today.
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04-28-10 08:39 AM
Juliet is Offline
| ID: 174836 | 41 Words

Juliet
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I wanna read more... aww...

I can't really judge it yet, coz I need to see more from it.

You may want to put more periods and apostrophes for it to be easier to read. D:

*waits for the continuation



I wanna read more... aww...

I can't really judge it yet, coz I need to see more from it.

You may want to put more periods and apostrophes for it to be easier to read. D:

*waits for the continuation



Vizzed Elite

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Location: Manila, PH (Asia)
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(edited by Juliet on 04-28-10 08:40 AM)    

04-28-10 09:44 AM
TSsilent is Offline
| ID: 174856 | 11 Words

TSsilent
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ahaha im workin on it and thanks for the tip
ahaha im workin on it and thanks for the tip
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Affected by 'Laziness Syndrome'

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04-28-10 01:09 PM
JusTReaL is Offline
| ID: 174931 | 61 Words

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Originally posted by Juliet
I wanna read more... aww...

I can't really judge it yet, coz I need to see more from it.

You may want to put more periods and apostrophes for it to be easier to read. D:

*waits for the continuation






I'd say use punctuation and write it properly with capatilization and such then it would look better.
Originally posted by Juliet
I wanna read more... aww...

I can't really judge it yet, coz I need to see more from it.

You may want to put more periods and apostrophes for it to be easier to read. D:

*waits for the continuation






I'd say use punctuation and write it properly with capatilization and such then it would look better.
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04-28-10 02:12 PM
mdynasty926 is Offline
| ID: 174955 | 132 Words

mdynasty926
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To add on to this, I'd like to say that you should try to separate your dialogue a bit. maybe like, skip down to the next line if you have to after every alternate quote so that people can distinguish who's speaking. so like say... one of your parts.
"Mum, when I grow up will I look like you?"
"You can look however you want, my darling. Now up you get. Let's go, I have something to tell you but only at the breakfast table."
Like that. Note that I also added some punctuation for ya . Hope that helps
Btw, do you have a deviantART TSsilent? I'd like to read more but if you have a deviantART then i'd just add you and it would be easier to keep track.
To add on to this, I'd like to say that you should try to separate your dialogue a bit. maybe like, skip down to the next line if you have to after every alternate quote so that people can distinguish who's speaking. so like say... one of your parts.
"Mum, when I grow up will I look like you?"
"You can look however you want, my darling. Now up you get. Let's go, I have something to tell you but only at the breakfast table."
Like that. Note that I also added some punctuation for ya . Hope that helps
Btw, do you have a deviantART TSsilent? I'd like to read more but if you have a deviantART then i'd just add you and it would be easier to keep track.
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