I’m at a job I thought I was doing well at and thought I was happy at. My longest job yet around 2 years. But here I am blogging about it.
I’m not sure if I truly am happy here. I’ve been out from work since March 16th 2022. I acknowledged that I was ignoring my mental health for a long time. It started affecting my work like it has for my whole life. I ignored the pattern yet seeing it before my eyes again and again. I’m with a therapist now and on medication. I told myself for so long that I didn’t need it. It endangered my job again. I’ve thought that I’m not good at living life. That’s why I’ve wanted to die silently for so long. To afraid of self inflicted death so always wishing to be taken by other means whether pushing for someone else to do it or by accident. I thought living with someone I love would take care of this. Have someone to help me. But I’m a burden. I push everyone away because I don’t want to Suck everyone into my problems. So here I am trying to get help. And my therapist says that I don’t have to do this alone…. But I watch movies or series and think like the hell this character should stop being so helpless…. But here I am living in their shoes… what right do I have to say that about them when I act like them and live their lives.

So I am at the precipice of decisions and outcomes of my actions. I may leave this job where everyone has been nothing but supportive of me. I should have been fired a long time ago but my boss has faith in me that I can fix myself. That I can find help and fix me. Everyone in my life has tried to help me but I feel like the Titanic. Still existing at the bottom of the sea. The decision to find a job where I can prosper at home maybe. It’s sad to think that I thought I could make it this time if only I had found the help I needed sooner. I’m not sure I can return to work after what I had created. Or maybe I’m just helpless and can’t work because I can’t make it anywhere. It’s probable that I will gain the strength someday to make life at least work. But when will that be… someday whether in life or death I will make it work. I have decisions I need to make…

It seems like your really struggling but you were able to seek help and start medication which a lot of people are either afraid of or too stubborn to accept help or that they need it, I've been too stubborn before plenty of times. I don't really think there's such a thing as being good at living I mean everyone makes mistakes everyone does things that they question themselves on what lead them to do that but even so you gotta continue getting help and accepting help. You may think you can't handle working or can't handle returning to the same place after being gone a month or that you can't handle life itself but I think the fact you're willing to seek help proves you can.