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Which girl do I choose?
06-15-15 05:02 PM
NordicWarrior is Offline
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Okay so basically, I am stuck and I have no idea what to do. I have been dating this one girl for almost a year now, and she lives in Massachusetts. I truly do love her and we've been through so much and I don't feel like our relationship is going anywhere. Not to mention, she has left me for other guys about three times so far, and she is also bipolar so she often takes her anger out on me even when I have nothing to do with that she's mad about. We're currently in a long-distance relationship and quite frankly I'm scared to see what our lives irl will be like when we're living together, because what if she has these freakouts irl too? I won't be able to tolerate that once if not more every week (which is basically how often it happens, unless I'm lucky) The other girl lives on a different continent than me, but we have a LOT in common. I have talked to her only a little so far, but she seems really sweet and I don't think she has all the issues that my current girlfriend has. I honestly don't want to hurt either one of them, but I'm sick of my girlfriend hurting me. I do love her, but what if her freakouts continue or get even worse once we're living together, and how about when we eventually have kids? I just don't know what to do. The other girl lives on a different continent than me, but we have a LOT in common. I have talked to her only a little so far, but she seems really sweet and I don't think she has all the issues that my current girlfriend has. I honestly don't want to hurt either one of them, but I'm sick of my girlfriend hurting me. I do love her, but what if her freakouts continue or get even worse once we're living together, and how about when we eventually have kids? I just don't know what to do. |
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06-15-15 10:45 PM
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Judging from your post. I think you already know what to do and what seems to be the better decision.
If I'm on your shoes, I'll break up with the current girl, then try to learn more about the new girl and maybe take the relationship to the next level. I'm not exactly sure since I haven't met you nor your girlfriend in real life, but she seems to be just using you because she feels insecure about herself, probably due to being bipolar. I'm not saying break up with her just because she's a bipolar, but if you already feel hurt and threatened both emotionally and physically, then it's time to let go and move on, no matter what her disorders are. If I'm on your shoes, I'll break up with the current girl, then try to learn more about the new girl and maybe take the relationship to the next level. I'm not exactly sure since I haven't met you nor your girlfriend in real life, but she seems to be just using you because she feels insecure about herself, probably due to being bipolar. I'm not saying break up with her just because she's a bipolar, but if you already feel hurt and threatened both emotionally and physically, then it's time to let go and move on, no matter what her disorders are. |
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06-15-15 11:40 PM
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This seems somewhat akin to asking "I have this pool of sharks I can jump into, or this nice Jacuzzi, but me and this pool of sharks have been through a lot . What should I do?". I don't think anyone but the sharks are too keen on you jumping in, and that's probably because they don't think they'll convince anyone else to do it. That said, upon closer inspection of this Jacuzzi, I see what appears to be a grey silhouette, and a fin may have just broken the surface. I am not one to talk about women, because due to my social capabilities I get less female attention than the inside of a men's bathroom, but I see quite a few things wrong with this perfect girl. She lives in another continent? I can see that going fine for someone you are just talking to, but if you actually want to get emotionally invested in this girl, do you really think you'll be able to do it from miles and miles away? Long distance relationships are almost universally known to end as well as breeding lions and gazelles in the same cage. If she's only there for a little while, then I suggest getting to know her a little better while you wait, and not bringing out the "girlfriend" label until you've gotten a little time to know her. And you will certainly need that time to get to know her because apparently you've "talked to her only a little to far, but she seems really sweet". An apple with a razor blade in it seems sweet at first, but you got to bite into it to fully realize how ruined your Halloween is. You really need to get to know this girl better, and not while you guys are official. As my uncle once said after his divorce "[respectable women] be crazy" Here's the part that confuses me, though. You "honestly don't want to hurt either one of them"? I understand that in the context of your current girlfriend, but what about this new girl? How would you hurt her? Is she already pressuring you to get into a relationship? If a girl from another continent who you've only talked to a little while is pressuring you get into a relationship, she is either really clingy and not relationship material or an Indian scam artist named Raj looking for the next Manti Te'o. But before any of this stuff happens with Raj over here, you need to sort things out with your current girlfriend. Continue dating her if you want, I'm sure the pool of sharks is still very warm and relaxing, if only for a few seconds, but you need to either figure out how to deal with her problems, or realize that you don't even feel like dealing with it at all. That said, upon closer inspection of this Jacuzzi, I see what appears to be a grey silhouette, and a fin may have just broken the surface. I am not one to talk about women, because due to my social capabilities I get less female attention than the inside of a men's bathroom, but I see quite a few things wrong with this perfect girl. She lives in another continent? I can see that going fine for someone you are just talking to, but if you actually want to get emotionally invested in this girl, do you really think you'll be able to do it from miles and miles away? Long distance relationships are almost universally known to end as well as breeding lions and gazelles in the same cage. If she's only there for a little while, then I suggest getting to know her a little better while you wait, and not bringing out the "girlfriend" label until you've gotten a little time to know her. And you will certainly need that time to get to know her because apparently you've "talked to her only a little to far, but she seems really sweet". An apple with a razor blade in it seems sweet at first, but you got to bite into it to fully realize how ruined your Halloween is. You really need to get to know this girl better, and not while you guys are official. As my uncle once said after his divorce "[respectable women] be crazy" Here's the part that confuses me, though. You "honestly don't want to hurt either one of them"? I understand that in the context of your current girlfriend, but what about this new girl? How would you hurt her? Is she already pressuring you to get into a relationship? If a girl from another continent who you've only talked to a little while is pressuring you get into a relationship, she is either really clingy and not relationship material or an Indian scam artist named Raj looking for the next Manti Te'o. But before any of this stuff happens with Raj over here, you need to sort things out with your current girlfriend. Continue dating her if you want, I'm sure the pool of sharks is still very warm and relaxing, if only for a few seconds, but you need to either figure out how to deal with her problems, or realize that you don't even feel like dealing with it at all. |
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06-16-15 06:33 AM
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Well... I think your current GF and you need to have a talk. Tell her how you feel she hurts you, and you are not happy when it happens. You don't want to be in a relationship that hurts you. (don't bring up her bipolar or anything, many people do this without having an actual diagnosed condition). Then tell her you want this relationship to continue and progress, and you care about her. If that doesn't seem to work out... you have to end it. As for the other girl... she lives in another continent, so that will make things hard. It's not impossible, but don't expect it to work out perfect; prepare that it won't go anywhere. But it if does? Awesome! Tell her how you feel she hurts you, and you are not happy when it happens. You don't want to be in a relationship that hurts you. (don't bring up her bipolar or anything, many people do this without having an actual diagnosed condition). Then tell her you want this relationship to continue and progress, and you care about her. If that doesn't seem to work out... you have to end it. As for the other girl... she lives in another continent, so that will make things hard. It's not impossible, but don't expect it to work out perfect; prepare that it won't go anywhere. But it if does? Awesome! |
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(edited by Light Knight on 06-16-15 06:33 AM)
06-16-15 08:31 AM
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Choose the second girl. If you fell in love with someone else then you don't truly love the first girl.
Also from what I read your current girlfriend doesn't exactly seem like a bundle of joy. I think what Light Knight said you should probably do. Have a talk with her. Also from what I read your current girlfriend doesn't exactly seem like a bundle of joy. I think what Light Knight said you should probably do. Have a talk with her. |
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06-17-15 02:51 PM
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There's not much more to be said here... if you feel you're not qualified in supporting her through mental illness, either of you can try finding someone who is.
Some other little tidbits of advice... You'll never stop meeting people, you're only 18 and theres little chance of starting a life-long relationship at that age, and lastly.. love as many people as you can, but never cheat on them. Good luck Some other little tidbits of advice... You'll never stop meeting people, you're only 18 and theres little chance of starting a life-long relationship at that age, and lastly.. love as many people as you can, but never cheat on them. Good luck |
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06-20-15 10:52 AM
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Thanks for your advice, everyone. Here's an Basically I tried cutting off the girl I was dating, but she texted me and told me that she was sorry for everything and she'd even give me her Facebook password in order to get me to trust her again. I went on her account and found the messages in which she basically cheated on me. They were back in like February and I already knew she did it but I didn't know the extent of it (she also sent nudes to another guy in the beginning of our relationship last August). She was crying and pretty much begging me to take her back and I haven't really given her a straight answer yet because I'm not sure what to do. That's because the girl from another continent and I have been talking, and she said she was shy about relationships and that kind of thing so right now I'm trying to get to know her better and make her more comfortable with me. I really like her a lot honestly and I'm seriously torn, because I do love the girl I've been dating, but with her history and her bipolar freakouts and depression and everything else....I don't know. I just feel like maybe I should start fresh with the other girl, because she's sweet and cute and seems normal enough. I'm thinking of maybe giving my ex-girlfriend one more chance to not screw up, but in the meantime I'll keep talking to the other girl just as friends for the time being because I'm not a cheater plus I think we should get to know each other more. But maybe I shouldn't even do that and just give up on the girl I've been with....I'm torn, honestly. Basically I tried cutting off the girl I was dating, but she texted me and told me that she was sorry for everything and she'd even give me her Facebook password in order to get me to trust her again. I went on her account and found the messages in which she basically cheated on me. They were back in like February and I already knew she did it but I didn't know the extent of it (she also sent nudes to another guy in the beginning of our relationship last August). She was crying and pretty much begging me to take her back and I haven't really given her a straight answer yet because I'm not sure what to do. That's because the girl from another continent and I have been talking, and she said she was shy about relationships and that kind of thing so right now I'm trying to get to know her better and make her more comfortable with me. I really like her a lot honestly and I'm seriously torn, because I do love the girl I've been dating, but with her history and her bipolar freakouts and depression and everything else....I don't know. I just feel like maybe I should start fresh with the other girl, because she's sweet and cute and seems normal enough. I'm thinking of maybe giving my ex-girlfriend one more chance to not screw up, but in the meantime I'll keep talking to the other girl just as friends for the time being because I'm not a cheater plus I think we should get to know each other more. But maybe I shouldn't even do that and just give up on the girl I've been with....I'm torn, honestly. |
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06-20-15 11:25 AM
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I don't really know a lot about relationships that much because I've only been in one...the current one I have with my wife. Its almost like I hit a grand slam in my first at bat. But anyways if you ask me, you need to break up with your current girlfriend and try to pursue the other girl you have a long distance relationship with. Forgive me for saying this, but your current girlfriend sounds insane. She sent nudes to another guy, and then she begged you to take her back? Really??? I say break it off and move on. I hate to sound old fashioned here, but even if the other relationship doesn't work out, there's plenty of other fish in the sea XD I see you're only 18 years old. I didn't meet my current wife until I was 22, so you have plenty of time left, in my opinion. Try not to rush anything either but if you're sure to find the one, hold on to her for dear life and do not let go! I see you're only 18 years old. I didn't meet my current wife until I was 22, so you have plenty of time left, in my opinion. Try not to rush anything either but if you're sure to find the one, hold on to her for dear life and do not let go! |
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(edited by MattyIce on 06-20-15 11:26 AM)
06-21-15 02:10 PM
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NordicWarrior : I may be off the mark, but to me it sounds like the main thing you're afraid of is being single. Have you told your current girlfriend about the other girl you're talking to online? The last thing you should want is to be hypocritical about being involved with other people, granted sending nudes, etc. is a bit more extreme, but the intent to step out on your partner is still the same. Does your current girlfriend have any kind of medication for her disorder? Definition of a disorder is when it interferes with your daily life, and it definitely sounds like she qualifies to be on some sort of medication. And if she could ease her episodes with mediation, would that influence your decision to be with her? I don't have much (any) personal experience in the area, but if you loved her, should this disorder be the deciding factor? Cheating, on the other hand, does seem like a deciding factor. In any case, it doesn't seem like she's going through the same struggle you are in choosing a partner. As others have said, she's just desperately trying to find someone to stick with her through whatever she's going through. We can't be sure 100% sure of her reasons for cheating, but if you've been wearing your emotions on your shoulder then perhaps she's just acting out of fear of you leaving her anyway. In any case, the personal struggle indicates that you care for her, but being so indecisive also shows your desire to leave. It's probably for the best for both of you to move on with new relationships. Good luck Does your current girlfriend have any kind of medication for her disorder? Definition of a disorder is when it interferes with your daily life, and it definitely sounds like she qualifies to be on some sort of medication. And if she could ease her episodes with mediation, would that influence your decision to be with her? I don't have much (any) personal experience in the area, but if you loved her, should this disorder be the deciding factor? Cheating, on the other hand, does seem like a deciding factor. In any case, it doesn't seem like she's going through the same struggle you are in choosing a partner. As others have said, she's just desperately trying to find someone to stick with her through whatever she's going through. We can't be sure 100% sure of her reasons for cheating, but if you've been wearing your emotions on your shoulder then perhaps she's just acting out of fear of you leaving her anyway. In any case, the personal struggle indicates that you care for her, but being so indecisive also shows your desire to leave. It's probably for the best for both of you to move on with new relationships. Good luck |
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06-21-15 07:42 PM
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danielbelitch : I have not, because basically after her most recent freakout (which was about 4 days ago) she broke up with me and I haven't fixed anything because I can't decide what I should do. So ex-girlfriend would be the more appropriate term for describing her. |
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06-21-15 08:42 PM
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She has some serious personal problems of her own... I think it's better to just end the relationship once and for all but still be there as a friend and maybe even try to help her with her issues, but I don't think it's still healthy for the both of you to stay together in a relationship other than being friends. As for the new girl, I guess try to be friends with her without thinking about possible relationships first. If you're already thinking that she's a prospect girlfriend, then you're already making your brain filter all the good things about her (block the bad stuff) and magnify all the bad things about your 'ex-girl'. But seriously, the way I see it, it's the perfect chance to break up. |
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06-22-15 01:03 AM
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I don't have any dating experience whatsoever, but I'll offer my advice anyway, so take it as you will. It sounds to me as though you've invested so much time into this first girl and you don't quite know how the relationship will turn out later on down the road. From the information you've provided, I seriously think you should consider breaking up with your current/ ex-girlfriend and start things off fresh with someone else. Obviously, you should tell her this in as nicely a manner as possible. Should that fail and she freak out and question your decision, then simply retort by stating what you've said here. A relationship is going to be inevitably stressful at times, but you should try to avoid unecessary problems like mistrust and cheating because they definitely aren't helping. Granted I don't have all the facts and all I have to go on is your posts, but from what you've stated, your ex-girlfriend sounds untrustworthy and desperate. Sending nude pictures and then begging for your acceptance is just plain childish at best. I think officially ending things with her is your best bet. I can imagine it won't be easy (this sort of thing is never easy) but it is certainly necessary if you plan on moving on. If you don't feel like letting go of her entirely, then perhaps just being friends is another option for consideration (although I can imagine it would be rather strange being friends with someone you've known on such a deep level). It's your choice. I think it's best for each of you to move on and follow your own path. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be. As for the second girl, I am not sure how to go about pursuing her. It will certainly be difficult maintaining a relationship with these cirumstances, but it isn't entirely out of the question. Again, I have no dating experience, but if you think she has potential, then I would get to her know her more and just see where it goes from there. I wouldn't have high hopes since it is a long distance relationship which comes with an entire slew of problems on its own, but if you manage to make it work, then congrats. At least you share some interests, that's a good place to start right? Just remember above all else that you are still very young and you will have plenty of other opportunities should things not work out. Don't stress over it, the world works in mysterious ways, and no one knows what fate has in store for them. Let an opportunity present itself to you, and then seize it. Should you find yourself in a stressful situation, when it seems the world has turned against you, remember that you have your family and the vizzed community. I wish you the best. Take care. It sounds to me as though you've invested so much time into this first girl and you don't quite know how the relationship will turn out later on down the road. From the information you've provided, I seriously think you should consider breaking up with your current/ ex-girlfriend and start things off fresh with someone else. Obviously, you should tell her this in as nicely a manner as possible. Should that fail and she freak out and question your decision, then simply retort by stating what you've said here. A relationship is going to be inevitably stressful at times, but you should try to avoid unecessary problems like mistrust and cheating because they definitely aren't helping. Granted I don't have all the facts and all I have to go on is your posts, but from what you've stated, your ex-girlfriend sounds untrustworthy and desperate. Sending nude pictures and then begging for your acceptance is just plain childish at best. I think officially ending things with her is your best bet. I can imagine it won't be easy (this sort of thing is never easy) but it is certainly necessary if you plan on moving on. If you don't feel like letting go of her entirely, then perhaps just being friends is another option for consideration (although I can imagine it would be rather strange being friends with someone you've known on such a deep level). It's your choice. I think it's best for each of you to move on and follow your own path. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be. As for the second girl, I am not sure how to go about pursuing her. It will certainly be difficult maintaining a relationship with these cirumstances, but it isn't entirely out of the question. Again, I have no dating experience, but if you think she has potential, then I would get to her know her more and just see where it goes from there. I wouldn't have high hopes since it is a long distance relationship which comes with an entire slew of problems on its own, but if you manage to make it work, then congrats. At least you share some interests, that's a good place to start right? Just remember above all else that you are still very young and you will have plenty of other opportunities should things not work out. Don't stress over it, the world works in mysterious ways, and no one knows what fate has in store for them. Let an opportunity present itself to you, and then seize it. Should you find yourself in a stressful situation, when it seems the world has turned against you, remember that you have your family and the vizzed community. I wish you the best. Take care. |
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(edited by Razor-987 on 06-22-15 01:10 AM)
06-22-15 12:22 PM
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You have to do what you think is the best and really search your heart. I don't know your religious beliefs. But I'm a Christian so when situations have come up like this I have prayed about. But here are some questions to ask yourself If she has left you 3 times for other guys that is a red flag to me. A question to ask yourself if she is going to stay and be true to you. If she has run off with 3 guys before chances are she will do that again. The other question you have to ask your self can I spend and live the rest of my life with this person. Can I handle the ups and downs. Also which girl I'm I going to be the happiest with? Only you can make that decision but these are questions I would ask myself and if your a Christian then by all means pray about it. But here are some questions to ask yourself If she has left you 3 times for other guys that is a red flag to me. A question to ask yourself if she is going to stay and be true to you. If she has run off with 3 guys before chances are she will do that again. The other question you have to ask your self can I spend and live the rest of my life with this person. Can I handle the ups and downs. Also which girl I'm I going to be the happiest with? Only you can make that decision but these are questions I would ask myself and if your a Christian then by all means pray about it. |
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06-24-15 01:27 PM
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Look you choose whichever you truly love man and I really wish you the best of luck and hey sometimes things do get better but you have to decide in your heart what you want to do |
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06-26-15 06:38 AM
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I think it's pretty clear the first girl is not for you. I mean, she cheated on you (cheating as in sending nudes and basically dating other guys via chat), and I think you need to stay away. Whatever you do, don't try to be "be friends" with the second girl while dating the first... cause you KNOW you'll eventually really fall for the second girl... and then you'll have to dump the first after you decided to give her another chance, and that is just cruel. Also, you'd run the risk of being friend zoned by the second. Everyone else is saying the same though: that first girl is just messing with you, no matter what she's making you believe. Whatever you do, don't try to be "be friends" with the second girl while dating the first... cause you KNOW you'll eventually really fall for the second girl... and then you'll have to dump the first after you decided to give her another chance, and that is just cruel. Also, you'd run the risk of being friend zoned by the second. Everyone else is saying the same though: that first girl is just messing with you, no matter what she's making you believe. |
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06-28-15 04:30 PM
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The more convenient one. |
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06-30-15 02:35 PM
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NordicWarrior : I would choose the second she may live in another country but, who are you trying to impress here? Your not gonna go anywere with a girl that cheats(trust me if she dumped you it already means she had him),and is bi polar and takes anger out on you that leads to a very bad life the second one seems sweet a long distance dosnt work a lot of the time but if you guys really love each other enough you might be able to pull through.Thats my opinion but you shouldn't be asking us to decide for you these are your life choices under the circumstances everybodys gotta take a risk at one point in life,its just how it works,Good luck and I hope you choose the right path for yourself. |
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07-02-15 05:15 PM
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Don't let mental diseases get in the way unless she takes no medication. My husband is bipolar, but since he's been taking medication his mood swings have been leveled and our life is much easier. But from what you write a relationship with her doesn't look very easy. See what that VERY long-distance relationship looks like and move from there But from what you write a relationship with her doesn't look very easy. See what that VERY long-distance relationship looks like and move from there |
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07-02-15 11:05 PM
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I feel that this isn't a choice of which person you should date. I feel it's more a decision if you should leave your current girlfriend or not. I mean Long distance relationships can work really well. But they often than not lead to nowhere and in some cases when the people actually meet each other they don't have that connection as they do before. I think this is just one of those choices in life that is a risk either way. I don't think there is a clear right and wrong answer either.. Just do what you think is right.. My only concern is that if your Current girlfriend is a bit volatile that suddenly breaking up with her may drive her to do some extreme things.. But that's only due to myself having experience how volatile bipolar people can be. Especially when they start to drink... Either way I wish you all the best.. Love is a difficult thing to predict. I think this is just one of those choices in life that is a risk either way. I don't think there is a clear right and wrong answer either.. Just do what you think is right.. My only concern is that if your Current girlfriend is a bit volatile that suddenly breaking up with her may drive her to do some extreme things.. But that's only due to myself having experience how volatile bipolar people can be. Especially when they start to drink... Either way I wish you all the best.. Love is a difficult thing to predict. |
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09-28-15 11:31 AM
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