I have a lot of fears, so bear with me.
My first fear, and the one most people know about is my fear of heights. It's not that I'm afraid of falling, or afraid of just being high in the sky in general (I have no problem on planes, and actually enjoy going on those). I'm more afraid of jumping, or causing myself injury. I've had suicidal thoughts before, and even attempted to take my own life. So I don't trust myself with opportunities like that, where I could injure or kill myself.
My second fear is one many know about as well. Loneliness. For the longest time, I feared I'd be alone forever, because I don't connect with people, and all throughout my life, I was essentially told I'd never amount to anything, or ever have anyone love or respect me or my decisions. I may never amount to anything, and that's fine, I don't plan on it. But being told it is another thing entirely. I was bullied pretty badly for the first 15-16 years of my life, and only after I became a star athlete at my school did people stop. People don't get me, and I don't get people. We never got along and we never will. It's why I'm for the most part a shut in. I want to find people I understand and people who understand me. But more often than not, they are the same s***ty people I went to high school with.
My third fear is one a few know about. I am afraid of water. When I was younger, about 14 or so, my family and I went on an excursion to a camping ground. My brother and I had a race in the water, from the beach to the isolated dock in the middle of the lake. I beat him of course, being the stronger athlete. But he almost drowned. And I had to rescue him. He wasn't a weak swimmer or anything. And it just terrified me of water ever since. Because now, I'm always worried I'll almost drown like him. And since I do things alone, I won't have someone to save me.
My fourth fear (and the final one I'll list, I don't need to tell you all my fears) is inadequacy. I already said I don't have many ambitions or desires in life. But I do fear I will never be good enough for anyone. This is one of the most common fears I experience, because I'm always put in a position, whether I want it or not, to disappoint someone. Especially people I care about. I have gotten into the mindset of never making mistakes, and I often stress over things I'm told don't even honestly matter. But when it's important to me, I put my all into something, because I'm worried I'll be told I didn't try hard enough. I don't try hard in things that don't matter to me, but those are often times the things that matter to everyone else. Again. I don't get people. I have a lot of fears, so bear with me.
My first fear, and the one most people know about is my fear of heights. It's not that I'm afraid of falling, or afraid of just being high in the sky in general (I have no problem on planes, and actually enjoy going on those). I'm more afraid of jumping, or causing myself injury. I've had suicidal thoughts before, and even attempted to take my own life. So I don't trust myself with opportunities like that, where I could injure or kill myself.
My second fear is one many know about as well. Loneliness. For the longest time, I feared I'd be alone forever, because I don't connect with people, and all throughout my life, I was essentially told I'd never amount to anything, or ever have anyone love or respect me or my decisions. I may never amount to anything, and that's fine, I don't plan on it. But being told it is another thing entirely. I was bullied pretty badly for the first 15-16 years of my life, and only after I became a star athlete at my school did people stop. People don't get me, and I don't get people. We never got along and we never will. It's why I'm for the most part a shut in. I want to find people I understand and people who understand me. But more often than not, they are the same s***ty people I went to high school with.
My third fear is one a few know about. I am afraid of water. When I was younger, about 14 or so, my family and I went on an excursion to a camping ground. My brother and I had a race in the water, from the beach to the isolated dock in the middle of the lake. I beat him of course, being the stronger athlete. But he almost drowned. And I had to rescue him. He wasn't a weak swimmer or anything. And it just terrified me of water ever since. Because now, I'm always worried I'll almost drown like him. And since I do things alone, I won't have someone to save me.
My fourth fear (and the final one I'll list, I don't need to tell you all my fears) is inadequacy. I already said I don't have many ambitions or desires in life. But I do fear I will never be good enough for anyone. This is one of the most common fears I experience, because I'm always put in a position, whether I want it or not, to disappoint someone. Especially people I care about. I have gotten into the mindset of never making mistakes, and I often stress over things I'm told don't even honestly matter. But when it's important to me, I put my all into something, because I'm worried I'll be told I didn't try hard enough. I don't try hard in things that don't matter to me, but those are often times the things that matter to everyone else. Again. I don't get people. |
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