So my father had an affair when he was deployed in 2010-2011 with a woman in Afghanistan, and when he comes back for R&R be sleeps only on the couch--- We didn't really know why. Apparently everyone who was a friend of my dad or was a wife of my dad's friends knew about the affair and after 1 year she decided to speak up and forwarded an email the woman sent to my dad saying, "Seth, you need to leave this crazy b**** wife you have and take custody of the kids and we'd raise them together." I wouldn't call that woman my mother if I'd die for not doing so. She is the crazy one and is someone I hate, next to my father. My mother, after finding out, goes and confronts my father when he's back from his deployment and leaves after my mother says, "Seth, we can pull our marriage together, your relationships with your kids, but only if you truly want to." And of course, as you're guessing he left. Now my little sister (She is 9) thinks my mom yelled at my dad for something and dad had his feelings hurt and mom was mentally abusing him when it was the other way around. And it hurts me so much to have to make up a lie only to keep my little sister, as much as I hate her at times, to try my best to keep her from crying-- when in the end it's me crying my eyes out realizing I am living crap-life where I feel like I've been through Hell. I have been very depressed and I think it's from keeping these emotions in, but is it normal to hate your one and only father even when you feel you deserve better? Am I insane, unstable, or just angry about this.. I mean my dad always treated me like pure s*** and my sister Caitlin like the queen of England. He always wanted to do something with Caitlin, never me, just because of my disorders and me being somewhat physically challenged. Sorry about cursing but I am living in Hell-- what I describe my life to be.

First off, I pick "angry"

Second, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It's certainly not a pleasant one and I can only imagine how hard it must be to deal with.

It's very natural for you to be upset with your father given the events that occurred and you shouldn't think there's anything that's wrong with that. "Hate" perhaps is a strong sentiment but could be amplified by your anger. Though if your father TRULY treated you poorly, then your sentiments towards him are a natural reflection of that. You should love your family, but there's a limit to how much love you can give to someone who does nothing to deserve it and instead the exact opposite.

In my personal opinion, your true family consists of the people who are actually close to you and show that they care. Blood relation is completely irrelevant. The people you should consider to be your family are those who actually treat you like family, I feel. Those who don't--even if they had part in your very existence--do not deserve to be held so high.

Though I also believe highly in forgiveness. Even if your father is being a bad father and not really acting in a manner that seems deserving of any positive sentiments, I don't think you could completely shut him out of your life unconditionally. If he were to hypothetically come to realize his faults... admit them and apologize for how he's wronged you and the rest of your family, then I believe he should be forgiven. If he wants to make amends, he should be allowed to.

But that's all hypothetical... for now, all I can say is that there's nothing wrong with feeling as you do. It's very natural. Things are not very pleasant right now, but a bad situation can only last so long. Eventually this will be a thing of the past and you'll be able to move on regardless of what your father does. You're still young, so it'll be a while before you're able to really actively take control of your own life and set it on a better course, but you'll eventually gain that opportunity. For now, just try your best to make the most of life. The only things you can possibly do involve talking to your father and maybe even your mother, expressing the way you feel to them. I'm not sure what impact this will have, but it'll probably feel better to get it off your chest rather than to sit by and watch powerlessly. It's hard when you can't really do much yourself.

Well my dad is the one shutting himself out from my mother, sister, and me. He first went from sleeping on the couch, to renting a room, to moving in with the woman he had the affair with. And my father never treated me like family it was like abuse, him forcing me to watch my younger sister who makes straight A's in school and then yell at me for not made me hate him when I was way younger.

Ah... questions I ask myself... I feel like an empty hopeless body... as if I'm walking with out a soul... I feel so alone and outside of the world... I've gotten used to it... and it's pretty fine...

BluemageKyle :  Kyle, whatever I could have said, Crazy Li already did.  You should read her words again, as they are very wise and true.

But let me add the Christian perspective.

I've been where you are.  Believe it or not, my dad did something similar when I was around 19 or 20. I cant tell you what shock I felt about this, because out f anyone in the world, my own father is the last one I'd expect to do such a horrible and heart- wrenching thing.  And by golly you're right.... it HURTS. It hurts like MAD and it makes you want to hate everyone and everything.  It makes you question the things you go through every day, and makes you feel miserable about your own decisions.

Yeah, I've been there.

Kyle, buck your chin up.  Luckily, you aren't at such a age where you can't come up from this.  You're resilient, bright, and your questions are all natural. I know that you think you 'hate' your father, but it's a strong word.  Right now, your father (and my own) are adulterers.  This means that they are not living in Christ.  We can't stop loving them, as hard as that may be.  By claiming and/ or acting like you hate your father, you are closing off your ability to witness to him.  You may dislike him and what he did, but his heart clearly isn't in the right place.

First, you need to get your own in the right place.  Remember this?

Matthew 6:14 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:
15 But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

Christ instructs that we should forgive as He has.  As hard as it may be, your forgiveness has to come first.  Christ suffered and died so that ALL may be forgiven. Please don't deny your father a little human compassion.  Even if the man hasn't treated you well, he is your father.

There is, of course though, a point where someone's heart is too hardened to listen. At that point, the bible tells us to turn away and let someone trod their own path.  No one knows the condition of your father's heart except for God.  Pray to God and ask Him for guidance on this issue.  Forgive your father regardless, but ask God whether your father is a lost cause, or not.  Only act on what you are -certain- about.  Human emotions are pretty strong things, so don't mistake your pain as a sign from God.

I have more to say, but I don't want you to stop reading because of length on this post.  If you'd like to hear more, let me know.  Perhaps I can even convince my husband to give you some biblical advice, as he's much better at it than I am.  Just know you have friends around you, who support you and are willing to help you with something so hard to go through.

I'm gonna move this to Cafe Corner.

I'm on my phone, so I'm not going to type up my spiel yet, but hang in there, buddy!

BluemageKyle : First please know that I am praying for you. I myself am physically disabled and I went through something similar to what you’re going through when I was not much older than you are. My parents separated shortly before I turned 13. My mom had left and things ended up where my dad and I ended up moving back to where we were from and my mom and one of my sisters stayed where we live now. Over the majority of my teen years my parents were separated and got back together a couple of different times on and off. In the process I was put in the middle of what was going on between them.

I gradually went downhill both in regard to my school work and in regard to me as a person. I became someone who wasn’t the most honest person, said and did a lot of things that at that age no one should do and frankly I can’t remember a lot of it. I admit that I was wrong in how I dealt with things. In regard to dishonesty I make no excuses, much like a lot of other things in my life I was wrong but I guess one reason I was that way was because I didn’t want to let other people know what I was really going through. Basically if I wasn’t in school, I was pretty much trying to play peacemaker with my parents and whenever I could get away from that I would but, I didn’t make the best decisions and was simply not thinking.

Eventually I ended up dropping out of school, hanging out with the wrong people and not making good decisions. Although my parents eventually got back together and are still together, I had really damaged myself and I didn’t get the wake-up call that I really needed until I was in my early 20s. I still hold a lot of anger against myself for allowing myself to slide the way that I did. There is not a day that goes by that I do not wish that I could go back to right before I became a teenager and redo everything but with the mentality that I have now. I guarantee you things would be different.

I can understand your feelings of anger toward your father. I was angry for years with my mom but despite my anger I do not blame my parents for what I went through. Simply put, I made the mistakes, my parents didn’t have anything to do with my mistakes so to blame them would be avoiding responsibility. As far as the anger with my mom, I was able to move past it and we were able to make peace with each other.

As I write this I am pushing 30 and I will tell you I deal with depression and anxiety on a daily basis. My depression doesn’t really have to do with my parents but it does have to do with the guilt that I have for the decisions that I made and just feeling bad about my choices. I can only hope now that I have straightened myself out that I won’t have to feel that guilt and frankly shame for the rest of my life. One of my big regrets that I have that I actually talked with my dad about recently was that I did not let my parents really know of the things that I was going through at the time. Looking back now I wish I had opened up to them more about everything. I also wish that I had sought counseling during that period of my life. I will admit that I did go to counseling briefly on and off but I should have stuck with it.

I can also relate to what you were saying about other family members knowing what was going on before you did. I know that it doesn’t make it right but you need to remember that you’re young and in all likelihood your family was trying to protect you. I went through the same experience when my parents were separated and when I did find out what was really going on I flipped out and thus began my downward spiral. I was basically the only one really who was kept in the dark about things I can relate to you and I understand your anger.

Considering your age I will not tell you everything that I went through but I will tell you that it is normal to feel depressed, angry, sad, and to feel like the world is coming down on you. I went through the same thing as you. I won’t lie to you. I am not a perfect person I still deal with depression and anxiety as I said and in many ways am still trying to pick up the pieces of my life. I don’t want to preach to you. It’s not an easy thing to go through. What I will tell you is anger is not worth it. The anger you hold in or even express toward your dad will do nothing but eat at you.

I know that it may not seem like it right now but you only have one father. I held anger toward my dad as well for a long time but my dad is in many ways my best friend. I love my dad dearly and there isn’t anything that will ever change that. The experience of going through what I did if anything bought us closer together and now it’s relationship that is part father/son part best friends. I love my dad. My relationship with my mom has also gotten closer over the years and we buried the hatchet a long time ago and I no longer have anger toward her for anything.

It may not seem like it right now but both your parents love you and you will get past this. One thing I will tell you is please stay in school and try not to let what you’re going through beat you down. It beat me down and like I said I didn’t really wake up until I was in my early 20s. I wouldn’t wish what I went through on anyone.

As far as your sister, please remember hate is such a strong word and nothing good comes from hate. Your sister is younger than you are and she probably doesn’t understand what is going on nor should she at her age. I have three sisters myself and we have our disagreements and such but I would do anything for my sisters. I was angry with them because like I said I was kept in the dark about everything and was really the last to know what was going on. Looking back on everything they and the other members of my family were only trying to protect me.

I am the youngest of us. One thing I also regret as I regret not opening up and letting my parents know what was going on with me was I also didn’t go to my sisters. My sisters weren’t around much, one lives out of state and my other two sisters were more or less out on their own when I was going through all of that stuff. Looking back I wish I would have picked up the phone and talked to them or, talked to someone in my family. Like I said I wasn’t thinking.

My advice to you is to be there for your sister. You’re the older one and she more than likely looks up to you. We all have our moments when we can’t stand our siblings and things that annoy us but when you get down to it with the exception of your parents, your siblings are all you have. You should also talk to your parents about how you’re feeling and what your going through. It may not seem like it now but you will feel better once you talk to them and get it out of your system. It took me years to start opening up about things to my parents and I still am in the process of letting it out of my system. It’s not easy to talk about things that hurt you but it does get easier in time.

Stay strong. Best of luck to you.

Ok... I'm gonna explain my story of depression on a different thread... y'all read it and try to see if that's a puzzle you can solve...

Singelli : There was a time when I wasn’t always so wise. I really wish I could go back and change things. My life would be a lot easier and I wouldn’t have so much regret.

That sounds a lot like me...

BluemageKyle : Damn.  I know how you feel. My parents split up when I was in 6th grade.  My dad moved out but we still see him.  Last year, when I was in 8th, my brother was extremely depressed from this gay kid that bullied his girlfriend all the time at school (oh, the irony) and had suicidal thoughts, which made me pretty depressed too.  He would have fought the guy, but he gets away with anything because he says "They beat me up because i'm gay".  Our school does absoltely nothing about bullying.  He is a lot better now, and my parents are thinking about getting back together.  Things will get better, trust me. It might seem suckish right now, but you should be okay.

Did you try to explain things to your sister?  It sounds like you are the only person on your mom's side, and that can't be good.  You don't have to describe it to her, but just give her small details to make her understand that your mom isn't that bad on here.

Seriously, good luck, I really hope this ends out positively for you.

I just realized that BlueMageKyle is 11 years old and not allowed in this forum.

Sorry for not being able to reply--- I am 11 so I couldn't post in the Cafe' Corner.

I'm glad that was finally resolved for you Kyle.  Are you feeling any better?  Did any of the advice help?  Are there any more questions you'd like to ask for uncertainties you'd like to express?

Remember that we are here for you buddy!

Singelli : Sorta, my mother and I are thinking of how to tell my sister in the easiest way possible without trying to "hurt" her relationship and image of her father.