I've been writing my new book (The old idea was scrapped)

I'll post the prologues because it tells the basis of the story in it. The story AFTER the prologues is much different though.

Note: There are multiple parts to the prologue, I'll post the rest when I edit it a little (I thought up a better prologue)

The year is 2274 PR

Here's what I have so far:

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++ Prologue, Part 1: Back story ++

V.O. George: 4 years ago, a massive terrorist incident lead by 2 honor students, 3 college students, a handful of engineers/hackers, and a small group of weapons experts sparked the beginning of a revolution against the Oligarchy which is our government. This "Freedom Fight" was lead by the same group of terrorists, backed up by more than 10,000 warriors. A week after the original bombing I was forced to take part in this battle.

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Three Things I'm going to need for this story: A name, and A country name, and I will also need a names for 2 types/groups of people. If you would like to help me with these, then I would appreciate it very much.

For those who don't know, an Oligarchy is a type of government where political power rests with a small, but elite segment of the society (whether distinguished by wealth, family, or military powers).

Ooh, taking a futuristic side to your writing I like it.

Yeah, but there are going to be some old-style sides to it too.

(An example will be bolded in the next part of the prologue)

Awesome . Hm... Thinking of some titles. Like how the story's started.

Thanks, but the story is going to take a DRASTIC change in the first few chapters.

I like massive twists in stories. It keeps things interesting.

++Prologue, Part 2: Wanted?!?++

The date was April 6, 2274 PR
It had been 6 days since the terrorist bombings had occurred, and the town was still in shock.

I was walking with my friend and teacher, Al, to our secluded training 'arena.' At this 'arena,' Al has been teaching me sword techniques every day for the past week, for whatever reason. I can't argue with him, it wouldn't change his mind anyway.

"Oh well" I thought as I looked at the cityscape before me. The destruction from the bombings had not yet been cleaned up. I wondered if they were going to rebuild.
"Hey, George!" I turned and looked at Al, "Pay more attention! If you keep spacing out, you're never going to remember how to get to the arena!" he yelled.

It took us another 5 minutes to get to the arena.
Upon arrival, we were greeted by a squadron of soldiers from our town's defense force.
"TARGET CONFIRMED! FIRE AT WILL!" The commander yelled as the soldiers begun to unload their stock of ammo.

"GET DOWN!" Al yelled, jumping on top of me.
Unfortunately, he have just pulled me onto the ground.
He took 17 bullets to the back, 27 bullets to the arms, and 3 confirmed fatal wounds, all to the lungs.

Still stunned from shock, I couldn't move at all.
The commander halted fire and walked up to me.
"You... you're the one that killed half of the entire force!" He looked at the sword that I had, still in its sheathing. "And for that... You will die."

"What?!?" I finally got clear grasp of the current situation.

The commander took out a gun and pointed it straight at my head.

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End of Prologue, Part 2.

Dude, this is seriously getting interesting! writezies more!

I shall, I'm just think off the top of my head whilst editing the current prologue I have.

Cool . Hopefully this gets turned into a novel.

I technically plan on it.

Note: edited the ending of part 2 a little.

That adds an even bigger element of suspense to it, I like! Revising things always makes it better. There's always room to revise even though things are going awesome.

Yah, the previous thing would've been much different
(I'll tell you the original later)

That would've kinda ended the story right away, if you "eliminated" the main character right at the start

++Prologue, Part 3: Who are you guys?++

*Bang!* A shot rang out.

I opened my eyes to see the general on the ground, with a large hole in his head, and 20 shocked soldiers.

"Where'd that come from?"
"Search the area!"
"Get the kid!"

I looked to see 3 men in trenchcoats, and what looked to be a high school student in the tree. one of them had a gun pointed right at where the commander had been.

Three of the soldiers were running up to me.
Three more shots fired out from the tree.

I don't know who they were, but at the moment, I can call them allies.

More army men arrived at the scene. I stood up and unsheathed my sword. As I did, something strange went on in my head. I wasn't feeling anything like I normally would. All I saw were my enemies, and the fact that my sword was way too clean.

"There will be..."
I ran into the crowd of soldiers, only seeing them as enemies.
"...NO MERCY!"

My body was fighting in an unnatural stance, and I was able to attack the soldiers in my blind area. Then I realized that I wasn't in control of my body.

Everything turned white.

I woke up surrounded by people in different colored trench coats.

"What happened?"
"The best display of swordsmanship I've ever seen! That's what happened!" The man yelled, He had a southern accent.
I remembered the situation, the soldiers, Al.
"Where's Al?!" I shot up, scanning the area for him.
"That other kid with the sword? Greg brought him to our doctor." He looked at the high-school student, who had blood all over his shirt.
"He was still breathing when I got him there, so he should be alright." Greg added.

"Thank you. By the way, who are you?" I asked them

"My name is Paul" The man with the southern accent said.
"This is Wolf" He pointed to the boy in complete white with white hair. "He doesn't talk." Wolf waved at me.
"I'm Haru" The man in the red trench coat said to me.
"And you already know who I am." Greg added.

"So why did you save me?" I asked.
"We saw what those soldiers were doing, and we decided to help you out, since they were going to kill a civilian; but since we just saw that awesome display of samurai skills, we actually might have you join us." Paul said.
"Join you? In what?"
"Our Army" Haru replied. "We need more people to help us in our fight."
"Fight?"
"We're going to reclaim our country and make it independent, and for that, we're going to need as many warriors as possible."
"You're actually the best swordsman I've seen, and definitely a better fighter than anyone we currently have"
"So, what do you say?"
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End of Prologue 3

I suggest not using capital letters too often. It takes the emphasis away when you really need to use them.

And coming from a writer, I suggest a more thorough setting description. I'd like to know what it looks like around there. =D

Yeah, my mind was kinda blank and I had to rush since it was late and I had to go to sleep.

(My parents bug me too much for me to do anything between 10:30 and 11:00)

Also, I'm completely re-doing the 3rd part.

With writing there is a lot of re-writing and revising, but these rough drafts are the big blocks we must sculpt into the masterpiece that is our final product. I've read your parts and they're very good, but the full capitals for yelling is not necessary as the Exclamation point does that followed by descriptions like, "I yelled without hesitation" instead of the actual yelling in letter form . Fun read though.

With the amount of Ideas that I have, and the amount of revising I'll have to do, I'm sculpting a block the size of canada with a fork, and I'm trying to make a pepsi cap out of it.

Hey Ben, I was wondering if you could provide a little constructive criticism for this second part I wrote for "The Eleventh Hour":


~Verse Two~

Central Falls Police Station
5:41 AM
The charred vehicles continued to sit idly in the street. Not a single inch of the scene was disturbed by anything; Cathy called for an ambulance and for the next ten minutes, Adam and everyone else could barely stand they were so shocked.
“Where’d you get that piece of paper?” Cathy took the note from Adam’s hands and a frown immediately emerged from her face. “Another one of these…. This guy isn’t screwing around.”
“I know, all these notes make no sense,” Milan continued, “Well, we have to wait until the boss comes back so we can actually get this case filed as well.” Adam pocketed the cryptic message and then walked back into the police station; Behind him sirens screamed and flashing lights surrounded the area. Now there were two notes; two notes in particular that provided absolutely no leads to anything whatsoever.
“When both our cars collide…. What the hell!?” Adam kicked the trash can next to him. This case meant everything to him---- He could and would be surely fired if he hadn’t figured out at least one lead to it.
Outside, Rick saw everything and dropped the coffee tray. He stared mindlessly frozen at the metal heap of an accident. “I was gone for ten minutes, and this happens?! Oh my God…” He put his hands on his head and nearly fell off his feet. A bloody lifeless body was wheeled off on a stretcher into a parked ambulance…
Case #670 had been opened.


THE NEXT DAY
12:07 PM
For a Saturday, it seemed very dull and calm. There were no random shootings, no drug busts---- Nothing. It seemed as if everything was on pause and nobody had the remote. The sky had a red tint to it, and the clouds were smudged under the afternoon sun; Like a painting with God holding the brush. On this particular day, Adam would find a third message. One so shockingly accurate to the crime he would witness…. That it would feel as if the killer wrote it as a poetic plan before murdering the victim.

“Milan, you’re up. We’ve got another one here.” Hendeca pressed his cigar in the ash tray and a small trail of smoke hovered above his hand. And that’s when everything went from pause right into fast forward. Adam opened the manila file folder to see CASE #671 written in thick pen at the top.

CASE #671
Case type- murder-suicide
Forty year-old Nicholas Allen was found dead in his apartment the morning of Saturday, April 12th at 2:28 AM. Upon further investigation in the crime scene, the suspected killer was sprawled on a bed in a pool of blood with a note next to him, which is enclosed. The name of the killer is unknown as there was no source of identification and dental records were unable to be done---- As there was no jaw remaining. A shotgun was found next to the body on the floor of the bed.
Allen checked the evidence piece. It was another poetic note that was provided on the other stapled sheet; Photocopied.

“And what’s the worst you take, from every heart you break, and like the blade you stain… Well I’ve been holding on tonight. What’s the worst thing I could say? Things are better if I say, ‘So long and goodnight….. So long and goodnight…’..”
“Ugh!” Adam took the file and turned away, running to his office and making sure nobody saw him cry.
What he didn’t notice at the bottom of the note was another piece to this word-filled puzzle,

“Came a time, when every star fall brought you to tears again….”

He plopped in his desk and pieced the notes together. It then occurred to him that it might have actually been a previously-published poem.

Long ago,
Just like the hearse you die to get in again
We are so far from you

Burning on just like a match you strike to incinerate
The lives of everyone you know
And what’s the worst you take
From every heart you break
And like the blade you stain
Well I’ve been holding on tonight

What’s the worst that I could say?
Things are better if I say
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight.

He then looked at the note again and put the phrase he missed in there, along with the other recent one.
Came a time
When every star fall brought you to tears again

Can you hear me?
Are you near me?
Can we pretend to leave and then
We’ll meet again
When both our cars collide?

“I’ve heard this somewhere!” Adam couldn’t put his finger on it but he knew he’d heard some of these lyrics from somewhere. What he noticed next was that some of the lyrics had been skipped. “That’s supposed to be later in the lyrics…. ‘Can you hear me?’ is in the wrong order…”
“Let me guess, you got another note again?” Rick had overheard when Cathy asked about the note yesterday. Immediately Adam hid the file from Rick’s sight and responded shakily,
“No… Where did you hear that?”
“Oh, never mind then…. Well, it’s lunch break, I’ll see you in a half an hour.” Rick pulled out his wallet and then lightly pushed the front door open. Cathy kept to herself and then plopped onto a plastic chair. She organized files and quietly sat alone. The mood quickly got tense with every moment of silence that proceeded… The mute button.
Every note Adam received was just another piece to an immense, seemingly unsolvable riddle… The question truly was, did he even want to find out the answer?He closed his eyes and tried to block everything; All of these chaotic thoughts and theories drained him…
This Saturday was possibly just the calm before a vicious, murderous, hellish storm.



~end of verse two~