What's the difference between a novelist and a park bench?

A park bench can support a family.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

the winner for the joke contest of May is Omniterran plz keep posting your jokes as I announce in the end of this month the winner for June.

Here's one:There were these 3 guys. They were named Shutup, Manners and Poop. Manners was picking up Poop from school. Shutup got pulled over by a cop. The cop says "Whats your name sir?" "Shutup." "Whats your name?" "Shutup." "Whats your name?" "Shutup." "Where's your manners boy?" "Over there picking up poop." 

Rebbecca Black is like Justin Beiber screaming because he put his hand in a pot of hot boiling water.

I got two:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm a schizophrenic
and I'm one too

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all
of a sudden, a huge pack of Indians attacked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The chief
then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any
expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the
first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was
soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The chief soon ordered
him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man
started laughing so hard for no apparent reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the
second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and
you'd have gotten away!"

The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

What's the benefit of having emo grass?
It cuts itself  

2 guys walk into a bar. you think the 2nd one would of ducked

There's an atheist walking through the woods admiring everything mother nature had made. He says,"Thank you Mother Nature for the trees and the grass and the water and the fresh air". Suddenly a grizzly bear jumps out from behind a large rock and yells."RAAAWWWWRRR". The atheist yells "OH MY GOD!!!!!". 

the funniest blonde joke

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......

* she called me to get my phone number.

* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

*she tried to drown a fish.

*she thought a quarterback was a refund.

*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

*she tripped over a cordless phone.

*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

*she studied for a blood test.

*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home

I'm not being mean, I found this on a website.

I gotta real funny joke... well here goes,It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."

ronaldo7 : why do people have milk in their house?

A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work.

Why was the wiener dog sweating?
Cause it was a hot dog!

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."

NintendoPower24 : mmm I think I already did but just in case I didn't ill wire it again