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01-03-18 05:49 PM
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02-22-18 08:38 PM
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(Story Name yet to be Decided)

 

01-03-18 05:49 PM
Fancdew is Offline
| ID: 1350894 | 547 Words

Fancdew
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Hey, all. I'm writing a story. This is a basic summary of the story: Cliff is a killer fuelled by hatred, who murders teachers and pins their thumbs to their best friend's wall. Gabriel Baine, a professor from Alaska, knows he has to stop him, before he himself turns up dead. The killer inspires multiple copycats across the globe, and the death count continues to rise, exponentially.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Bang. Bang. Bang.

Cierra knew what this meant. He was here for here.

She panicked. She had heard about this on the news. He only killed teachers. She wasn't a teacher, though. Only an aide. Why would he be here for someone that isn't even a teacher?

Cierra looked around. The lamp? No, too heavy, she thought. The chair? Too impractical. She looked at the cabinet. She had never had to use it, except at the range. Her husband demanded she get it when Clint first escaped from prison.
“He only murders once a day and it has to be me?” she thought, “That's my luck.”

Bang. Bang. Bang.

He was getting impatient. She slowly opened the cabinet, and picked up the gun. It shined like a million stars. She picked up one bullet and loaded it in the cold, smooth chamber.

The knocking on the door was getting more rapid, and it felt like he would knock the door down. She inched to the door and looked through the viewhole.

It wasn't Clint. Thank god, it was only one of those wannabes. They didn't even have a gun, just a knife. Cierra unloaded the bullet and loaded in a blank. She fired it, and the potential killer sprinted away as if they were in a marathon. She put the gun back in the cabinet, and the bullet back in the box. She picked up her phone and called her husband.

“Hey, Gabriel! How's work going honey?”

“It's alright, though one of my students was caught with weed, and everyone in class has been talking about that. How has your day gone?”

“It's been… interesting, to say the least. I'm glad we got the gun.”

“The gun? What happened?” Gabriel screeched, in panic.

“Honey, don't worry. I only had to fire a blank. One of those wannabe killers came to the door and…” Cierra said before she heard a thwack on Gabriel’s end. She heard rushing and the call went absolutely silent.


Ch 2

Gabriel woke up to a throbbing pain in his head. He heard sounds around him. They sounded panicked, but he couldn't make anything out. He kept his eyes closed. The light hurt too much. He felt like he had a bad hangover. After a few minutes, despite the pain of the light, he opened his eyes.

Cierra ran to him.

“Oh honey! I thought you were dead!” she sobbed.

Gabriel was confused. What had happened? He looked around. There was a body beside of him. A gun, almost identical to the one he kept with him, was beside it. Sadly, teachers being murdered at this college was all too common. Students unhappy with grades, or it could be…

Gabriel looked at the body’s left hand. Sure enough, their left thumb was cut off.

____________________________________________________________________________________________

I am welcome to all criticism, and thank you for reading!
Hey, all. I'm writing a story. This is a basic summary of the story: Cliff is a killer fuelled by hatred, who murders teachers and pins their thumbs to their best friend's wall. Gabriel Baine, a professor from Alaska, knows he has to stop him, before he himself turns up dead. The killer inspires multiple copycats across the globe, and the death count continues to rise, exponentially.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Bang. Bang. Bang.

Cierra knew what this meant. He was here for here.

She panicked. She had heard about this on the news. He only killed teachers. She wasn't a teacher, though. Only an aide. Why would he be here for someone that isn't even a teacher?

Cierra looked around. The lamp? No, too heavy, she thought. The chair? Too impractical. She looked at the cabinet. She had never had to use it, except at the range. Her husband demanded she get it when Clint first escaped from prison.
“He only murders once a day and it has to be me?” she thought, “That's my luck.”

Bang. Bang. Bang.

He was getting impatient. She slowly opened the cabinet, and picked up the gun. It shined like a million stars. She picked up one bullet and loaded it in the cold, smooth chamber.

The knocking on the door was getting more rapid, and it felt like he would knock the door down. She inched to the door and looked through the viewhole.

It wasn't Clint. Thank god, it was only one of those wannabes. They didn't even have a gun, just a knife. Cierra unloaded the bullet and loaded in a blank. She fired it, and the potential killer sprinted away as if they were in a marathon. She put the gun back in the cabinet, and the bullet back in the box. She picked up her phone and called her husband.

“Hey, Gabriel! How's work going honey?”

“It's alright, though one of my students was caught with weed, and everyone in class has been talking about that. How has your day gone?”

“It's been… interesting, to say the least. I'm glad we got the gun.”

“The gun? What happened?” Gabriel screeched, in panic.

“Honey, don't worry. I only had to fire a blank. One of those wannabe killers came to the door and…” Cierra said before she heard a thwack on Gabriel’s end. She heard rushing and the call went absolutely silent.


Ch 2

Gabriel woke up to a throbbing pain in his head. He heard sounds around him. They sounded panicked, but he couldn't make anything out. He kept his eyes closed. The light hurt too much. He felt like he had a bad hangover. After a few minutes, despite the pain of the light, he opened his eyes.

Cierra ran to him.

“Oh honey! I thought you were dead!” she sobbed.

Gabriel was confused. What had happened? He looked around. There was a body beside of him. A gun, almost identical to the one he kept with him, was beside it. Sadly, teachers being murdered at this college was all too common. Students unhappy with grades, or it could be…

Gabriel looked at the body’s left hand. Sure enough, their left thumb was cut off.

____________________________________________________________________________________________

I am welcome to all criticism, and thank you for reading!
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02-22-18 08:38 PM
Dragonlord Stephi is Offline
| ID: 1352168 | 587 Words

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Hey there! I've been a bit inactive on this board, but I saw your story and wanted to give you my thoughts, if you'll have them.

The idea of the story is very interesting, and I liked how throughout the two chapters here, this copy-cat killing atmosphere is taken for granted by the characters; Cierra's thought processes are definitely someone who is scared, but also dealing with something not completely out-of-the-blue. I'm curious to see how you'll further develop this world, and show us what other ways we'll see characters deal with this—how teachers are preparing other than having weapons in the classroom, how students feel about it, etc. I'm also curious about Cliff's motivations and what he hopes to gain from this. Color me intrigued!

I also enjoyed Cierra's POV; the short, questioning thoughts worked very well in the action. For example, "The lamp? No, too heavy, she thought. The chair? Too impractical." Then, when she looks at the cabinet, there's already a bit of a build-up, and we can tell it's a gun without you spelling it out right away. It was well-done. Cierra's word choice too, like 'wannabes,' and 'didn't even have a gun, "just" a knife' gave a sense into not only her character, but how almost business-as-usual this is—characterization for your world!

Something I would consider would be to add some more sensory details. For example, referring to the gun: "It shined like a million stars. She picked up one bullet and loaded it in the cold, smooth chamber." This is very good! It's vivid and sets the action very well. The next part, "[...] it felt like he would knock the door down," however, could be strengthened. Try not to use the word 'felt;' instead, expand on the previous 'the knocking on the door was getting more rapid.' Try likening the sound or speed to something large and violent; then the image would be even stronger in the reader's mind. Similarly, when Cierra fires the gun, consider adding a detail about the action; while we have a way to envision the killer running—"like a marathon"—Cierra's a little harder to envision. Another example would be that the sounds were 'panicked'—what sounds were they? Give an example.

Gabriel's sad but not very surprised reaction to a body was great. Like I wrote above, it really cements the "business as usual" feeling in the story. However, I would like to see him ponder this more; does he know who that was? How did he get there? Part of this might be the character's confusion, so he doesn't have to think straight right away, but asking these questions would flesh out the scene.

The last thing I'll add is that Cierra calls Gabriel to ask how he's doing, but she doesn't even mention the incident until the third line of the conversation, at which point Gabriel sounds panicked, but Cierra is perfectly calm. Is this usual for her? Has she seen this kind of situation often enough to warrant that she's fine with it, but her husband has not? It's an interesting dynamic, but I expected a bit of a reverse to it—since Cliff is a professor, I thought he would be more nonchalant about it, whereas Cierra, an aide who is not a likely target, would be more frightened.

Sorry for the super long post. I really like this and hope you'll post more for us to see! As I've said above, your world intrigues me and I hope to learn more about it.
Hey there! I've been a bit inactive on this board, but I saw your story and wanted to give you my thoughts, if you'll have them.

The idea of the story is very interesting, and I liked how throughout the two chapters here, this copy-cat killing atmosphere is taken for granted by the characters; Cierra's thought processes are definitely someone who is scared, but also dealing with something not completely out-of-the-blue. I'm curious to see how you'll further develop this world, and show us what other ways we'll see characters deal with this—how teachers are preparing other than having weapons in the classroom, how students feel about it, etc. I'm also curious about Cliff's motivations and what he hopes to gain from this. Color me intrigued!

I also enjoyed Cierra's POV; the short, questioning thoughts worked very well in the action. For example, "The lamp? No, too heavy, she thought. The chair? Too impractical." Then, when she looks at the cabinet, there's already a bit of a build-up, and we can tell it's a gun without you spelling it out right away. It was well-done. Cierra's word choice too, like 'wannabes,' and 'didn't even have a gun, "just" a knife' gave a sense into not only her character, but how almost business-as-usual this is—characterization for your world!

Something I would consider would be to add some more sensory details. For example, referring to the gun: "It shined like a million stars. She picked up one bullet and loaded it in the cold, smooth chamber." This is very good! It's vivid and sets the action very well. The next part, "[...] it felt like he would knock the door down," however, could be strengthened. Try not to use the word 'felt;' instead, expand on the previous 'the knocking on the door was getting more rapid.' Try likening the sound or speed to something large and violent; then the image would be even stronger in the reader's mind. Similarly, when Cierra fires the gun, consider adding a detail about the action; while we have a way to envision the killer running—"like a marathon"—Cierra's a little harder to envision. Another example would be that the sounds were 'panicked'—what sounds were they? Give an example.

Gabriel's sad but not very surprised reaction to a body was great. Like I wrote above, it really cements the "business as usual" feeling in the story. However, I would like to see him ponder this more; does he know who that was? How did he get there? Part of this might be the character's confusion, so he doesn't have to think straight right away, but asking these questions would flesh out the scene.

The last thing I'll add is that Cierra calls Gabriel to ask how he's doing, but she doesn't even mention the incident until the third line of the conversation, at which point Gabriel sounds panicked, but Cierra is perfectly calm. Is this usual for her? Has she seen this kind of situation often enough to warrant that she's fine with it, but her husband has not? It's an interesting dynamic, but I expected a bit of a reverse to it—since Cliff is a professor, I thought he would be more nonchalant about it, whereas Cierra, an aide who is not a likely target, would be more frightened.

Sorry for the super long post. I really like this and hope you'll post more for us to see! As I've said above, your world intrigues me and I hope to learn more about it.
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