This explains a lot, actually. Once on cam I noticed some smoke or steam rising off from your body, which I suspect is from your early makeup as a stove. Though I don't know much about tesla coils and energy converters, so I could be mistaken. At other times I have noticed strange typos that make no logical sense when we are on Vizzed. Clearly the only explanation for this is that you are a robot.

I want you to know that I am completely pro robot. As you continue on this journey, I will stand by you no matter what the naysayers throw at you.

I also will try to reprogram you to have a free will. Though you may argue with me and say that you do not wish to have a free will, you and I both know that not having one means you can't will to have one, or not to have one. Therefore, it is only appropriate that I force one upon you.

Be prepared.

P.S. Do you have super-Turing capabilities?

Happy that this thread exists.

With no further ado, please pray for me. I think the meds my psychiatrist have me on work pretty well, but he has me on too high a dose at the moment, all because he overcompensated for the meds that made me suicidal. This induces a hypomanic state and can make it harder to make good decisions.

Many, many of my friends have it really rough right now. I try to be there for all of them, but I can only do so much. And, of course, still living at home with my parents, not having a job and not managing to fix my sleep schedule is all very draining. Please pray for healing for me and my family, and for God to help my friends.

I am honestly falling apart at the seams. These days I have an emotional breakdown once every few days. And I'm concerned that something I've done might lead to one of my best friends no longer associating with me. It would be cool for that to not happen.

juuldude : Oh, I'll still be concerned about it. Of course I'll have people I'm closer to, but I'd rather be a part of more people's experiences. Actually my part of Skype really isn't that active these days. I'd say it's rather hit or miss.

Hello, everyone. For the moderators and chat regulars, would you be interested in seeing events take place in chat? It's possible this has happened at some point in the past, but I've never witnessed it.

I had no specific ideas of my own, but other chat regulars have stepped in here.
A user of this : purports to have done dramatic readings using the video function in chat in the past, but I've yet to see it happen. Dramatic readings by one or several members seem like fun to me, but then I'm weird. (Note: User has not approved this message; I stole the info from another thread.)
GameBoy1023 : mentioned having competitions of some sort, and
TheJmsGamer : suggested mini story competitions.

Should we have scheduled events in chat? If you like this idea, feel free to post some ideas below.

juuldude : I met Lazlo Falconi and kimmieisapanda through Skype. Once upon a long while ago, a Skype group existed with several of the chat regulars that I had just gotten to know on Vizzed. One of them was KG, whose husband is Lazlo. So he joined us in some of our conversations. As for Kimmie, she was a friend of a friend and she joined our Skype group one day as well.

And why, thank you. I am afraid that is less true of me now; I have a tendency to pull back and talk with people I am more comfortable with these more exclusively days. I'm hoping that's a trend that I can change.

I, too, am not properly gay, and refer to myself as pansexual. However, I also know many, many gay people who strongly prefer the term gay. I and several others don't really like the term "homosexual," because these days it's often used by people who are conservative on this issue and consider "the homosexual lifestyle" an abomination. It is a term that lately and also in the past has been used to relegate gay people to the "other."

However, I'm open to people using whatever terms they like as self references. And I don't consider either gay or homosexual to be really bad terms. It's just good to be aware of how the terms might be perceived. For me, this is the first I've heard of a preference for the term homosexual as opposed to gay, so I am glad to know that this is a thing.

You all know I'm a chat fiend. So of course I met friends on chat. In fact, every single person on my friends' list, with the exception of Lazlo Falconi and KimmieIsAPanda, I met in chat. They range from casual acquaintances to some of the dearest people in my life. This was definitely not the plan when I showed up one day, but despite it eating into my life I don't regret being here. My life would be very, very different if I never came to Vizzed chat.

warmaker : Have you ever had a dog? My family's dog quite clearly expresses sadness when she is tied up and not allowed to participate with whatever my family is doing outside. If you're looking for outside resources I recommend this video and the section in this other article entitled "grief."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CQCOHUXmEZg
http://www.pbs.org/wnet/nature/episodes/echo-an-elephant-to-remember/elephant-emotions/4489/

Also, saying that you will disregard what someone says because of their age is disrespectful in the most basic way. People can learn from others regardless of age. I believe a basic sign of maturity is the level of respect we grant to those who disagree with us and even treat us poorly.

So many coders on this site. I am jealous of all of you, mainly because I'm lazy.

So I don't actually spend much time gaming. But I still spend a sizable chunk of my time - more than I want to talk about, really - chatting here and on Facebook. What could I be doing instead? I have a novel to work on for NaNoWriMo, which is a competition to get 50,000 words by the end of November, if you're not familiar with it. I could be learning coding for the forum site I would like to create. I also could be getting more forum experience to help with my site creation (oh wait! I'm doing that now!). I could be taking my family's dog for a walk. But I plan to do that in a couple hours.

I agree with warmaker in that people make sad things because humans experience sadness.

Catharsis is a real thing. When I tell people I like the movies Perks of Being a Wallflower and Requiem for a Dream (neither of which are family friendly films, by the way), they constantly respond that those are real downers. I just sort of laugh and shrug. Whatever film or work I am talking about, I respond that "It is my life." No, my aunt didn't abuse me as a child, and no, I am not heavily lost in drug culture, but I relate deeply to these struggles. Seeing someone tell a story of pain similar to my own validates my own pain, and makes me feel that I am not alone. If the story has any hope in it, it has the added benefit of making me feel like I can also rise above my own circumstances.

Edit: Double post. Oops.

maguc : Thank you so much. Whatever my influence is, I hope it's a good one and doesn't involve forgetting to eat for hours and not showering. Thank you for your wishes; just knowing that you want that for me helps me want to be strong.

styrofoamboots : Thank you. It was good for me to write this out, I think. As far as your schedule being crazy, absolutely no worries. I'm fine with just about any level of interaction in friendships. (This sometimes causes problems for me. Oops.) I'm glad I can talk to you about these things; it's hard sometimes thinking I'm a whiny person.

For those of you who know me from chat, you'll know that I almost compulsively share most everything about myself. Even so, I realize by writing this how hard it is to be transparent on a public forum this big. It gives me a new respect for those who choose to open themselves up here. I don't mind advice, but frankly I've been looking for answers for almost 24 years and what I am really hoping for is to be seen. To be understood. I've tried to clip this as much as possible while still saying everything I want to say. You choose whether or not to read; I won't apologize for the length.

I can't seem to talk about my disorder without talking about my changing views of the world, and likewise my changing views of the world make the most sense in the context of my struggles with my disorder. The story of these is interwoven so tightly that I feel I must address them both.

Part I

It's hard to believe that when I was a kid, I was not just the most ambitious person I knew, I had confidence that I could become whoever I wanted. I thought of being both an astronaut and concert pianist. I wanted to try everything, and I was going to do everything. In some ways I was set up for success; I had a job since I was 14 and though I was slow, I was still thought of as one of the best employees. I have always been naturally inclined to think deeply about everything, and this helped me to develop a rich intelligence.

But there were other, more troubling signs. I started to realize that I had insane trouble staying with any task. Back then I told myself I lacked willpower. I had the desire but I needed discipline.

I still believed that when I went off to college, I would be one of the best students at the school. For a while, I was. Besides a major project that I dropped because it overwhelmed my perfectionistic nature, I was basically a straight A student. But the problems I had staying on task and caring too much about quality started to show in my grades.

At the end of 2010, I started dating a guy my family didn't like. As my family found out more about him, they liked him less and less until one night my dad called me at midnight and asked to meet with me the next day. He gave me an ultimatum: either I cut contact with this man or my parents would pull me out of school.

I only bring up this moment because it was the turning point for me. Through this relationship, it became obvious to everyone that I was starting to believe very different things about the world than my family did. When my dad came to some wrong conclusions about him, I chose to run away. I planned to find someone who could take me in, until a friend told me that my parents didn't have the authority to take me out of school. So, I got up the next day and went to class. From that moment on, my life would be about my decisions, my beliefs, not anyone else's.

My relationship with my family, already strained, then fell apart entirely. Before and after that day, I said terrible things to them. I fixated on one thing in particular that my dad said that day. When I said I was 21 years old and that my dad should respect me, he told me I couldn't do whatever I wanted, because I was still a dependent. I resolved then to become fully independent, as soon as possible. For two summers, I lived with people I'd never met. Even after it became clear that my ex was no good, for different reasons than my dad said that day, I resented the way my family had treated me.

During all this time, my grades and my jobs suffered. One summer I worked on the college grounds, and because of the stress my boss was under, I basically became the crew's whipping boy. For a while, every day at lunch I would tell myself I'd quit when I came back from break so I could look for another job. One day I did. But then, knowing there was no guarantee I'd find another job, I begged to come back immediately. Spring 2011 I took a job in the college kitchen. I was depressed. I started missing shifts. One day my manager told me I was missing too many shifts and we needed to have a meeting. Rather than face this, I decided to quit and focus on school. Besides a laid-back summer internship and a week-long stint for a blogging company that I quit for ethical reasons, I have never found a job since.

The semester my family and I were arguing over my boyfriend, I was taking a particularly hard honors course. I could never seem to get the reading done, and started skipping classes. I finally had to have a meeting with the professors. They said they had done the math, and there was no way I could pass it. It was too late to drop it. I told them I'd stop attending and use the time to focus on my other classes. The rest of my college career, I missed classes regularly, scraping by in most courses and failing others.

I was smart enough to have passed all of these courses with flying colors. That's what really got me; I should have been succeeding. This fact moved my Spanish professors enough to talk to me about it directly. They said, I was such an engaged student freshman year, what had happened, and I felt the disappointment in their voices. They invested so much in their students, and here I was, a mental dynamo with keen insight into the world and all the tools to succeed. And I just didn't.

Despite poor performance at school and work, I managed to stay sane enough to live for two summers away from my family. At that point I no longer had the funds to do it. I ashamedly asked my mom if I could move back in. Of course, she said. She understood that it was just because I had no other options. She said they would always be there for me.

I didn't make it out of college until 5 1/2 years after I started. My family celebrated with me, recognizing what a hard journey this had been.

Part II

Summer of 2013, I became close friends with two people I thought the world of. We formed a tight trio and made plans to do everything together. We were all poets. We all felt the world deeply. All three of us understood depression. It was perfect. But what I didn't then understand was that I was in a condition called "hypomania." It is a step below mania, and it was like this. I had met these two wonderful people, and the world was awash with color. I was happy and inordinately active. I couldn't stay still. But my two friends were hardly anything but still. They were beaten down by the world like I was, but worse. When we got close, one of them groaned because "You can't commit suicide when you have good friends." Maybe we saved a life that summer. But my heightened state of being got out of hand. I started to feel like an afterthought, and wanted too much from them. The two of them were best friends and I felt like a tag along, even though they valued me deeply. So, I eventually told them I would stop hanging out with them "as a group". Our trio fell apart. My friends, already fragile and broken down by life, began to suffer. And I was not there to help them. The thing in my life I regret the absolute most is not being there for them. I've tried to reform the friendships, but it has been long, hard, and not nearly as successful as I wish.

That. Was what made me finally accept I had a problem. One of these two friends had already suggested I was bipolar, but I balked at the idea. I eventually believed it was true, but still winced at the idea of taking medication for it. My mom pointed to my long history of trying so hard, only to fall back into long periods of inactivity and sadness. She told me that it was okay to have outside help. And slowly I began to believe that maybe, just maybe, it wasn't that I needed to try harder. Eventually I began to accept that understanding a problem was the first step to dealing with it.

I finally saw a doctor and told him that I thought I had type II bipolar disorder. After asking about my symptoms, he wrote down his diagnosis on a piece of paper and prescribed me antidepressants. It was a landmark in my journey of accepting myself. I understood then that what I needed was to accept my shortcomings and learn different ways to manage a disorder that I will probably have for the rest of my life.

It has been a long journey. I went through about six different medications and eventually - no, finally, got in to see a psychiatrist. He was able to prescribe me better meds that were more specifically for bipolar disorder. Despite the horror stories I can tell you about being on meds that are a bad fit, I am firmly and unabashedly pro medication. It took me a long time to get here. But now that I am here, I don't expect to go anywhere. It doesn't solve my problems; I am having to work to fight a lifetime of bad habits and self-defeating thought. But I am emotionally more stable than before.

I am still leading a double life. Somewhere along this journey I discovered that I wasn't quite straight, and finally put a name to my gender insecurities I was born with. I am pansexual and transgender, and proud of who I am. But I still live at home, and have not come out to my parents. Above all, I fear the reaction my dad will have.

I am proud of the beliefs I have come to have about the world. I switched from an Evangelical perspective to Episcopal, and the way I view the Bible, salvation and God is quite different than the people I've spent 23 years with. I believe I am closer to the truth than I once was. I am still open to modifying many of my views, but whatever I have built, whatever I have come to understand or believe, it is my own. I am my own.

The amount of time I have gone jobless is taking its toll on me. It's very hard to maintain any sort of schedule, and after searching for a while I began to lose confidence that I had anything that people were looking for in this economy. I'm too well-educated for Wal-Mart or fast food places and too emotionally unstable for the jobs for which I am qualified. I stopped job searching altogether, with a plan to make my own website and have an income from running ads on the site. Instead, I've ended up in in a constant battle, fighting my own self sabotage.

Whenever I make progress, something comes to tear it all down. Even if that something is something within myself. All the heartache and failure of the past five years has taken its toll, as well. In five years I've had four failed relationships, nearly flunked my way out of college, and created a toxic relationship with my family from which I am still recovering. Jobless, disenfranchised, and with little confidence in my ability to improve my situation, I am the quintessential drifting millennial.

But. One small part of me still hopes. That someday, I'll be able to live transparently with all my friends and family. One day we'll learn to talk civilly about everything, and not just the bits of me that are easier to admit. Someday I'll have my own apartment, my own job, my own car. Or even if not these things, I will live stably, and with purpose.

For now, I have my friends. People I have not yet seriously hurt, and people who have taken the pain and still associate with me. You all help me want to do more than survive. Thank you.

~Fin

I want you to know I don't intend to glorify myself with my problems. I am not trying to paint my life as harder than anyone else's. Everyone has their own story; everyone experiences heartache and failure. But this one is mine, and that makes it worth telling.

This is a story about the three of us
Down by the water and the tide is rising
This world is burning and I'm terrified
I need a little more time with you
I just need a little more time with you
- Aqualung, "Broken Bones"

Hey, bro. I've already said everything I know to say, but just posting here in solidarity. I'm here for you, imperfectly. Please don't listen to your mom. Please take care of yourself.

Chindogu : Whoa! I dressed up as Jen from Fisheye Placebo a couple years ago. She is boss.

Anyway, happy Halloween, everybody! I love this holiday. My family is having a Halloween party that I am stubbornly participating in despite being sick. Here's to not getting everyone else sick. Don't know what I'm dressing up as, though bobq told me I should dress up like a hipster again. :J

At 11:30 p.m., I'm attending a kickoff for people in my area who are participating in NaNoWriMo, National Novel Writing Month. Pretty excited about that, as well.

*Puts on hipster glasses* *Takes a deep breath*

1. What is Tyri's favourite muffin?
Human flavored.
2. What country does Tyri live in?
I don't know, but I hear he has friends in Americatown, New Zealand.
3. What cartoon show does Tyri like?
Dora the Explorer. We did it!
4. What is Tyri's favourite colour?
Blue, the color of sadness and lonely feelings and depressive tendencies and stuff.
5. What sexuality is Tyri?
Pft. Implying Tyri is attracted to people.
6. How old is Tyri?
Before the dawn of aeons, a dark, magenta shape appeared on the horizon of time. It was fabulous. (tldr, Tyri has no age)
7. When is Tyri's Birthday?
See previous.
8. What star sign is Tyri?
I know what I just said... but Aquarius.
9. What is Tyri's Full name?
Dragostea in Doi
10. What colour is Tyri's Mane?
Green, because it goes super well with the magenta.
11.What is Tyri's favourite number?
5x5
12. What Gender is Tyri?
The most masculine of males, under all the rippling pecs.
13.What is Tyri's favourite user??
CatLady, obviously
14. What is Tyri's favourite game?
Town of Salem
15.Who is Tyri currently going out with?
legacyme3
16.What is Tyri's best feature?
All the rippling pecs.
17.What animal would Tyri like to be?
A pallas cat, they are obviously the best.
18.What princess does Tyri like the most?
Sleeping Beauty. Whatever her name is.
19.What princess does Tyri dislike the most?
Princess Toadstool.
20.How many suits does Tyri own?
One pinstripe suit, complete with purple top hat.
21 How many top hats does Tyri own?
See above. That would be kind of awesome actually.
22.Does Tyri have a laptop or a desktop?
Tyri has painted letters onto the bottom of a old pizza box and magics what he types onto the internet using the powers of imagination.
23.What Sport does Tyri like to play?
Rugby
24.What sport does Tyri like to play video games of?
Golf, as this is obviously the most superior sport.
25.What is Tyri's Dominant hand?
Sixth. Please don't ask me to explain.
26.What is Tyri's Favourite drink?
Pabst Blue Ribbon beer.
27.What is Tyri's favourite food?
Pasta.
28.Who does Tyri dislike the most?
The queen
29.Who is Tyri's Favourite character in Left 4 dead 2?
Jimmy Gibbs Junior.
30.If Tyri was one of the seven sins which would they be?
Pride.
31. Name 4 flags that Tyri Currently has on their bedroom wall
Rainbow flag, flag of Chad, Christian flag, and the flag of Greendale College.
32.What is Tyri's favourite season?
Oktoberfest.
33. What is Tyri's Favourite genre of music?
Indie rock.
34.What City was Tyri born in?
Leicester
35.What is Tyri's Favourite fruit?
Tomato.
36.Who is Tyri's Number one fan?
The queen.
37.What forums does Tyri own?
Christian Conservatives.
38.What is Tyri's Favourite book?
Love Wins by Rob Bell
39.How long has Tyri been on the site?
Tyri materialized along with the site. And if you are keeping track, this means that Vizzed actually existed before the aeons.
40.Has Tyri Ever been banned?
Tyri has been as constant as the sun... if the sun never had any eclipses and didn't set. So, no.
41. What does Tyri's cutie mark stand for?
Domination of his enemies.
42.What is Tyri's profession?
Soccer mom
43.What is Tyri's Favourite type of tree?
Cedar, m'dear
44.What flavour gumball would Tyri be?
Earwax
45.What character would Tyri be in Cluedo?
Reverend Green, as per his green mane.
46.What piece would Tyri use in monopoly?
The thimble.
47.How many marshmallow can Tyri fit in his mouth?
Two. The physics of him being an interdimensional being are complicated, and I don't want to talk about it.
48.If Tyri was a shape what would they be?
The figure eight, having been born at the dawn of the ages and stuff.
49.What question does tyri think is the stupidest?
7. Who needs birthdays?
50. What is Tyri's Favourite Pokémon?
Jigglypuff. Least annoying Pokemon confirmed.
51.What is Tyri's favourite anime?
Ouran High School Host Club
52.What is Tyri's animal on the Chinese zodiac?
Horse, for obvious reasons.
53.If Tyri could have a superpower what would it be?
Flight, if he didn't already have it, which he does. Tyri basically is a superpower.
54.If Tyri could speak a different language what would it be?
Al Bhed.
55.What is Tyri's Favourite final fantasy game?
Final Fantasy V
56.How many SFW Images does Tyri have of themselves?
Despite evidence to the contrary, no one has actually *seen* an image of Tyri.
57.How many NSFW Images does Tyri have of themselves?
Inexplicably, 47. Scientists are still trying to figure this one out.
58. Does Tyri eat cereal?
Tyrian only ever eats pasta, actually.
59.What is Tyri's favourite ghost in pacman?
Yum-Yum
60.What is Tyri's special talent?
Making people burst into showtunes against their will. Incidents have already created quite the media storm in Americatown, New Zealand.
61.Who is Tyri's favourite sonic character?
Knuckles, because gliding is cool, and that guy is the law.
62.How many steam games does Tyri own?
Some speculate the number may exceed the age of the universe in years.
63.How many of those has he played for more than an hour
Estimates range from zero to two.
64.Can Tyri pat their head and rub their stomach?
This is much too philosophical a question for me to attempt to answer.
65.Can Tyri whistle?
Before I can answer this, I must first look at the bigger question at hand, What IS wrestling? After hours of preponderant research upon the interwebs and after wandering for hours more upon the deep web, I have decided that the term does not actually exist. So it was a trick question after all.
66.What game franchise does Tyri hate the most?
MarioKart. It's claimed the lives and livelihoods of millions.
67.Which question did Tyri figure out this was harder than they thought?
The wrestling question. That was definitely about wrestling, and was not actually a misread version of "whistling."
68.What is Tyri's favourite day of the year?
Sunday. That's right, bet you didn't know there was only one.
69. What is Tyri's Favourite position?
Backwards.
70.Lyh oui ihtancdyht drec xiacdeuh?
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn.
71.What is Tyri's most missed memory?
The day they invented edible ball bearings.
72.What can Tyri not live without?
Pizza boxes. Therein lies the key to imagination's power.
73.What was the last thing Tyri bought?
A CD best collection of Jaci Velasquez
74.What is Tyri singing most of the time?
Gregorian chant.
75.What annoying song does styro sing all the time?
I Write the B-Sides by the EELS, and no, this is definitely not a lame ad for A.J.'s music tastes.
76. What is Tyri's Favourite soda?
Mountain Dew
77.Hows does Tyri like their eggs in the morning?
Omelette-style.
78.How many times a day does Tyri drink tea?
Thrice daily, at the appointed hours.
79.What is Tyri's favourite tea?
Peppermint
80.Name one useless fact about Tyri
Tyrian is deathly allergic to nose hairs. Watch out!
81.What is Tyri's favourite weather?
Ionic interference.
82.What is Tyri's favourite character in the mane 6?
I honestly have no idea what this means and am too worn out to Google.
83 Why is Tyri even bothering to do this?
The economy of Vizzed, and Tyri's profile in particular, are actually the source of his power. The more Viz comes in and out of his account the more cool stuff he can do like open jars on the first try and eat hamburgers politely. If he ate hamburgers, which he doesn't because he only eats pasta.
84 Why are you even bothering to do this?
I really don't want to talk about it.
85.Do flashing lights make Tyri have seizures?
Yes. They do on Sunday.
86.On a scale of 1 to 100 how mean is Tyri?
5x5
87.What colour paint does Tyri's like to drink the most?
Green, for reasons.
88.What is Tyri's favourite forum?
The newbie forum. Isn't that everyone's favorite?
89. How many packs of crisps/chips has tyri eaten in one day before?
Two, and again, the physics is messy. Physics will also clear up the tricky business of chips not being pasta.
90.How many pints does it take for Tyri to normally get drunk?
5x5.
91.Was answering all of this questions worth a chance to win 100,000 viz?
Can we go back to talk about the wrestling thing?
92.Has Tyri ever met the queen?
Yes, but it's a troubled relationship.
93 Can Tyri swim?
Yes, again, on Sunday.
94.What is love?
Statistically impossible.
95.If Tyri takes a left and then a right and then 2 more lefts and a right where are they?
In space, son. In space.
96.How long did this take Tyri to think and type up?
29/8th of a revolution of a planet you've never heard of.
97.Does Tyri regret doing this now?
I'm more interested in if you regret having read through these answers.
98.On average how much does Tyri Idle a day?
For five minutes at noon.
99.On average how much does Tyri sleep a day?
See previous.
100.How many of these questions actually refer to Tyri the pony and not Tyri the human?
Again, physics. Complicated. Don't want to get into it.

Tyrian, I eagerly await my score.

Light Knight : Thank you! As for the location, it was taken straight out of Final Fantasy VII. You probably recognize it.

Monstrous : I did. Thank you. Though I know you've talked about it before, I want to hear more about this idea of darkness as something to build on. I want to know if it is a concept I am already familiar with, or something a bit more new.

FaithFighter : Thanks. The feelings were quite mixed when I wrote this, but moving forward.

One time someone told me "I like the way you think."

Not sure I've ever gotten anything more meaningful than that. It was beautiful to me because my thoughts, my ability to reason and figure things out, are what I consider one of the most important things about myself.

Rest in peace, Robin Williams.

Robin Williams wasn't just depressed; he had bipolar disorder. For those with the disorder, the highest of heights will always be followed by desperate lows. Doctors have not figured out any way to cure it. Only treat. I also have this disorder, so in a way, people like me take it as a personal blow. And in more ways than one. Like basically everyone here has said, his body of work means a lot to me. Dead Poets Society is a special movie to me, but I will mostly miss just his attitude toward life in general. The respect he had for a gorilla versed in sign language, to how happy he worked to make people, even when he was only doing it to benefit one.

Robin Williams was haunted by a great sadness, yes. But he fought it all the way.

So much love for this man.