11-14-13 11:27 PM

luv2game! is Offline

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luv2game!

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Currently working on a novel for NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) and it's kicking my butt. I'm close to my weekly goal of 10,000 words (which is almost my grand total of words by the way) so I can't complain too much. Anyway, here's a re-write of a recent poem that I did. It kind of goes hand in hand with my novel as there is a blue-eyed demon in it. Enjoy!

Beautiful, blue ocean eyes
I wonder what kind of lies
Hide behind them

Seductive and mysterious
Charming, yet serious.
It's almost a crime, possessing such orbs

Blue ocean eyes
Those sapphires make me sigh
Just looking at them puts me on a high

Handsome angel, beautiful demon
Awesome qualities that are hard to believe in
Along with those beautiful blue ocean eyes

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11-15-13 12:52 AM

Dragonlord Stephi is Offline

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| ID: 927496 | 107 Words

Dragonlord Stephi

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Good, with evident style! I applaud you! The only tip I would give is to avoid using the same adjective more than once (you used 'orbs' twice). On the topic of 'orbs'... describing eyes as 'orbs' is slightly over-used and seems even awkward. Try different adjectives that will bring more color into the poem and show the angel/demon's personality better. Based on your poem, I'd suggest something like:

-crystal globes (though that may also sound awkward)
-diamonds
-jewels
-icicles?
-amethysts

Though I suppose it may be hard to make them rhyme...

Okay, enough tearing into you. It was good, and I wish you luck with your NaNoWriMo.

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11-15-13 01:18 AM

luv2game! is Offline

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luv2game!

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Dragonlord Stephi : Thanks for reading and the critiquing. I never really thought about overusing adjectives, although I do try to be careful about that. I guess I was just running out of adjectives. I will keep your suggestions in mind since I'm planning on re-editing anyway.