I'm feeling better after weeks of being literally on the s***. These last two days I've gone out for the first time since mid February, because I urgently needed to meet with a couple friends, and we ended up walking so much that the exercise apparently made normality return.

Another reason is letting some steam off with them and having healthy (and lengthy) conversations with them. Things with my girlfriend took a deep dig earlier this week which has been troubling me a lot, altering my sleep, modifying my appetite and in general worsening my already delicate health, to the point I think I've lost some valuable pounds these days that I'm not sure I'll recover soon.

While I'm still generally apathetic, I'm at least feeling more hopeful about the future. Like I said on my last post not long ago, I am above this and I didn't let the void swallow me whole. And what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, they say.

MoblinGardens : In all honesty, I'm struggling mentally and I just feel so anxious most days. But taking care of my family and raising my kid helps me get through it all. I love them so much. I'm praying life will get better soon with all that is going on in the world right now.

I'm feeling renewed after such an intense Saturday in terms of emotions.

Things with my girlfriend have stabilized. While we may not be officially going out anymore, since we agreed to take some time off to deal with things in our lives, the feelings are there and yesterday we both confirmed they're still true. The confirmation that all doubt has left her mind and that we will some day return to what we once were was a big relief, so maybe now that I'm emotionally stable (still tough to treat her like a friend after what we had) I'll be able to stabilize my health as well.

Later after that, I had a long due conversation with my father. It was extremely tough, because it meant shattering an altered reality I created 20+ years ago and the ensuing internal battle to return to such reality, where I felt so comfortable and happy, will be equally tough. At least I confirmed that I didn't postpone the conversation until it was too late, which is a relief, but realizing the magnitude of my own deception is a big hit. Thankfully I'm undergoing some mindfulness exercises that I've already noticed they work, which I'll continue with, and even if I do need professional psychological assistance I'm not afraid of it nor do I feel weak for it.

I also confirmed a few things about myself, besides that deception and such. Through experience, I was finally able to properly gauge things, and now I know what they mean to me and how much I want or need them. This was also a needed confirmation, because I'm not prone to analyze myself, or I should say I wasn't. Things will change from now on and I'll live in reality, rather than my own deceitful fantasy, with everything that means.

I'm actually glad I finally had to cancel meeting a friend today, because after everything I went through yesterday it surely wasn't a day to go out and allow my mind to evade reality this early. I want to stay at home, make up my mind and keep doing what I need to fix myself so I can reunite with my loved one as soon as possible.

This will probably have an impact on my activity here, as it has done for the last month and a half. I will get back to writing for sure, because forcing myself to do something I like despite not having the motivation or willingness to do it is the starting step of this new me. But I'll surely won't be able to step up my game as much as I had wanted in years prior, I'll have to find a new balance between Vizzed and everything else.

EX Palen : Hang in there I can't say I fully understand what your going through because only you know everything your feeling but I can definitely sympathize with a lot of what you said.


I'm not doing so hot I've been stressed a lot lately in general but it's gotten a lot worse the past 48 hours as I've been put in a really hard situation where I don't know what to do I don't know what choice would make me happy and after every wrong choice I made last year and my own weakness leading to me going with something even if I didn't feel it was right I just don't want to hurt anymore but I know either choice would hurt me so I just don't know anymore.

I guess I'm alright. I guess.

Physically I'm at my best moment, probably in my entire life. This past weekend I endured a long walk without feeling tired and I was even able to walk on the seashore without any adverse effects. If this sounds stupid to read, due to my disease I can't enter a pool or swim in the sea because the temperature change basically kills me, so being able to partially experiment a body of water was a major milestone in these almost two months I've gone without one of my medications.

Psychologically... That's another story. Further digging up my mind I've discovered an inferiority complex developed from my early childhood. It's been bugging me a lot for years, and only now was I able to realize it's the root of all my problems. Luckily it doesn't seem heavy, despite having been there for so long, and I don't have that many areas to work on.

I wish I could share more details, but I just came home from visiting my psychologist so I haven't yet had time to assimilate everything we talked. I do know there's progress to be made and hopefully I won't need extensive therapy for it (not because therapy is a bad thing, but because it's a sign it's not anything too troublesome to deal with). I'm feeling confident I can overcome this relatively soon, but it will surely be a summer of self-research and analysis.

I'm doing alright. I've had quite a different day than my summer vacation days usually are since it's been pouring rain all day. I like being able to get off work and go outside to refresh. But now I have to just read a book

I'm all over the place in terms of how I feel sometimes lately right now I'm pretty okay but like last night I was just laying in bed and I felt really ticked off for no real reason. Something else health wise I'm really concerned about is my diabetes because the past few weeks there's been a change in how I sense my sugar being low normally I would just feel kinda weak and like shaky I guess but like I was never in danger of falling or anything and I just had like a almost unnatural feeling of needing to eat which worked for me cause I felt that and its like oh I gotta eat something real quick oh well, but now it seems to have a effect on my mental state when I go low where I'm easily confused dazed and honestly can barely think at all and I don't think I can feel myself normally going low anymore I have to somehow stay aware enough to know to start eating if I start stumbling around and not being able to think it's scary because my sugar and how my body reacts has always been the same but now I'm actually scared of lows. One of the first mornings it happened I was stumbling into everything downstairs and for some reason I thought my grandma was yelling at me so I yelled back because that's just how out of it I get she wasn't even yelling at me apparently but to me I was getting like screamed at and I yelled back because in my head "why am I getting yelled at I'm the one struggling to walk" so it wasn't good hopefully I can get use to this new challenge with lows.

The week started on one of the lowest points I've ever been in the last 10 years, but I've graciously recovered to be back in top shape.

For the last days I faced my fears for a solitary future. I won't go into details as to why I'm terrified against such an idea, but I will say those fears resurfaced due to how things were going with my ex girlfriend. It got to a breaking point on Monday, when I emotionally collapsed and broke into tears, apparently unable to cease it.

Luckily, I could somewhat talk to her, and we also separately talked with our own psychologists. On Wednesday, we were able to reach a stalemate, and it was the biggest relief of my life. Her words dissipated all my fears, and I could start to feel alive again.

Physically, I keep getting proof that I'm better than ever before. Though I almost had a close call due to my emotional state, I've fully recovered from it. And psychologically I'm also feeling much better, with motivation to do things again and no fear for the future.

Looking back into this thread it looks like I already felt like this in months prior. While I'm not so sure about that, I do know that back then we didn't properly draw the lines on our new relationship and that kept open a breach which allowed my fears to resurface. I don't think I'll go back to my previous state now that we've clarified some things, but who knows, life can sometimes be so horrible.

Honestly tired like mentally exhausted and physically I feel like I didn't sleep at all I had this terrible dream and it felt like it went on the entire night. Basically in my dream there was a zombie apocalypse happening and the zombies could turn their arms into spikes and extend them 20 feet and for some reason every time I died I restarted. So it was basically some anime crap I dealt with all night trying to figure out how to stay alive. Luckily not a lot of people I know showed up in the dream so it wasn't really to taxing emotionally in that way it was still in the sense to just die again and again and have to keep getting up and fighting again but I don't think it was enough to break my spirits though every time I did see someone I knew they would disappear into like thin air for no reason which was really confusing. The last time I died I finally woke up and I was still in self defense mode I swung my door open ready to swing so I probably looked like a idiot thankfully no one got to see me like that LOL. Besides that whole mess I guess I'm a bit stressed out that I haven't figured out what I'm doing with college but me being bad at decisions is nothing new.

I've been super sick over the last few days. On Saturday I went to a big party and because of all the loud talking I had to do so people could hear me, I lost my voice and had so much pain in my throat the next day. After that pain went away, I got a terrible cold though because the entire day while I was at the party, it was really cold and I was out without a jacket for most of the day.

.

I'm unfortunately pretty awake at 2 AM when I'm leaving at 11 AM in the morning to go to a cookout with my other grandparents I always look forward to seeing them when I lived with them I actually felt like I had a family though I would of missed out on a lot of things if I kept living with them I might of been happier family wise but I would of missed tons of calls with friends due to having to be in bed by a certain time. The reason I'm wide awake is cause earlier today I my sugar went low so I ate to raise it and I laid down while waiting for it to go back up and I passed out for 4 hours so my stupid nap as me awake now when I should be sleeping.

Worn out, happy, hopeful and hesitant. All at once, because life must be played in extreme difficulty unlike video games which offer lesser levels

I'm worn out because yesterday I went to a festival and I danced the hell out of my body. It was a hardcore-themed festival with top-notch artists of both national and international recognition, and it didn't disappoint in the slightest. We spent almost six hours on it, and our bodies took their toll. In my case, while my ears and head are fine, my body is torn to pieces and I even have pain when doing chores. It's gonna take me a good while to fully recover, and even more if I keep dancing to music while at home.

I'm happy because the aforementioned festival was a dream come true for me. I've been listening to hardcore techno for 20 years or more, but I was never able to go to a festival with that theme or see my preferred artists live. Now that I was able to, I can now strike through another entry in my "Things to do before I die" list. And next month there's another festival, this time much closer to where I live, so it will only improve from here.

I'm hopeful because of the situation with my ex-girlfriend. Everything has finally settled down (I had my moment of wanting to get drunk during an important talk we had in August) and we're apparently bound to be together again sooner than we thought. I'm also hopeful for the job opportunities ahead of me, a friend of mine could introduce me to his boss and work alongside him in a room escape, and there's also that important talk I'll eventually have with my father in the next days. This could be the start of some independence, which draws me closer to my other goals (too long and tough to explain).

I'm hesitant because I'm kind of an in-between with a friend of mine. She's a good person, but also has a very toxic side that she shows almost every time we go for a drink (and we rarely meet up with her group for something else than drinking a bit). I'm thinking on cutting ties with her and putting in some distance, but I'm not sure on how to proceed or if it's even the right moment to do it for everything I'd lose in the process.

Maybe I have more emotional states inside me that I can't identify beyond the ones I've already mentioned, but it's not like I can tackle them all at once. I'll try to deal with the current ones the best I can and then I'll consider the rest.

Normally this isn't a thread I would reply to so soon after last talking about how I was doing but I had enough going on today for me to talk about so why not I guess. I went and saw family for a while today I really enjoyed seeing everyone so I was doing pretty great my other grandparents talked about situations on how to get me back to my diabetic camp one last time and suggested somethings so when I got home my mom was sitting outside so I decided to ask about some of it. So I found out talking to my mom she doesn't start her new job till next month which is really bad because I was under the impression that she started in like a week based on what the grandma I live with said but after hearing this I asked if I should talk to job and family to see if I can get insurance and she said they won't cover me cause with her living here they'd look at the last 6 weeks and still not cover me. So all of a sudden I went from maybe trying to see about going to camp to having no way to get insulin in a month when I run out. I texted my other grandma about it and she right away was trying to keep my head up but to be honest everything felt so hopeless that I broke down crying for the first time probably since I became single so it's been a year, and I really loathed myself for lying in bed crying I've spent so much time working on myself this year and when I'm met with a difficult situation I did what younger me would of and just cried about it. I calmed down enough eventually to go downstairs and talk to my grandma about it and she like my other grandma is still pretty set on me getting back to camp and had some ideas on how to make it happen even with my mom playing dumb on the situation of me having no insurance so my mindset kind of just switched instantly from self pity to dead set determination of making it back to camp this one last time because if both of my grandmas are certain they can make it happen I don't wanna disappoint them even if I hate accepting help when it comes to something like this that could be really expensive.

I think I have depression and have been generally unhappy at all times for the past couple years. I haven't been genuinely happy like used to for a long time. There could be multiple reasons for that but the main ones I shouldn't talk about cause they're personal. I have to drive to do things I used to enjoy such as playing video games, watching shows, things like that don't give me happines usually.

And i have this feeling of dread and over unfeeling about it. I have no drive to work but I'll do it just to stay alive like everyone else. The main thing that keeps me going is I have a family who I'm really cool with, specifically my Cousins and my siblings and we have a blast whenever we get together. Those are some of the only times I am happy and feel at ease in myself. I am a christian so whenever I get the motivation to study the Bible that helps. My family is starting to do study together and so far I am feeling good about it.

A lot of use here are very similar and deal with the same issues or similar problems and feelings. I think one thing that could always help you is to do good. Do good things for other people or help another persona in any way, wheter insignifact or big. Good deeds come back around to you, sometimes as small as just a good feeling or a hit of dopamine. Either way it will be worth it.

God bless you all

I'm currently recovering from two weeks where almost everything went on a steep downhill, I'd even say a free fall.

First of all, both me and my girlfriend lost our job opportunities, hers because of personal issues her boss had with her and in my case because they wanted to test other people. Mine came in good timing, as I started to feel heavily unwell to the point I spent a hell of a weekend.

Throughout the last week, I drifted through the days as I could because I basically "ate up" my medication way before my due time. With my disease running wild, I barely had energy or motivation to do anything, my weight took a drastic drop and overall my feelings were of why Death was taking so long to come for me.

At home, things weren't going any better even now. I'm so done with my mother being all over me, constantly thinking she knows my disease better than me when she knows nothing about this, and today we almost yelled at each other out of how much she frustrates me. As for my father, he was hospitalized two days ago because he wasn't doing well, in fact he looked noticeably yellowish specially in his eyes, but luckily seems it won't be any big deal.

There have been other news here and there, but they don't directly affect me and so that'd be off-topic. As I said, I'm trying to recover from all of this, and it looks like things are improving bit by bit. Hopefully the good streak can continue in the next days with a few good plans I have in mind.

Well physically I'm good despite things I'm going to get into but mentally eh not great at the moment and I wish I could fully get into everything bothering me but doing so in a public place is not a good idea and I'm fully aware of that so I guess I'll keep some of what's bothering me to me. That being said I spent a entire month doing everything I could to make sure I could return to diabetic camp for one last weekend as a camper something I would of never imagined being possible and a week before I had a temperature of like 101 which I've only had one over a hundred once before in my entire life and you can probably see where this is going but I thought well maybe it's nothing and kept preparing as if because I was going to get tested for covid regardless at camp though I didn't want to get anyone sick by just showing up so I was hoping that something would come up where I'd get tested before then and sure enough my Grandpa tested positive and at that moment I knew that my test would come back positive for sure and sure enough it did. I was the first one sick of the house and everyone has gotten sick since which just doesn't even make sense really cause I don't leave the house really but what can you do I do feel a bit of guilt for being the one who got everyone sick but I try not to blame myself much cause it's not like I was taking risks or anything trust me if there was a single point in time I wanted to test negative more than anything it was now. I'm trying to remain in a positive mindset but I'm struggling I know missing camp may seem like a silly reason to some who may read this to be this depressed but I considered camp to be my home just same as I consider this site my home and I've been having nightmares where it seems like a normal dream until after I visit someone important to me and then later I find out because of me visiting them they got the virus and then they blame me for it and like hate me which while I know it's just a dream and I don't wanna risk anyone getting sick till my 10 days are up even if I'm pretty sure I had it before the 10 days are up that we've decided to wait out when it's night after night of having similar nightmares with everything else on my mind it's really bothering me.

I am doing ok. I have a fat liver problem now. last month on September 1st into 10th, I was in the hospital with the pain in my lower right side is my liver and there is a lot of liquid in my liver is bad. why I can't sleep as much on my right side. plus I do toss and turned at night. I am always up during the night. right now, I get PT now. I do have a blood cult on my back of my left leg.

f***ed up. Plain and simple.

Life, destiny, the universe, whatever, is not treating me well. I am the good innocent kid who gets his deserved prize one time out of ten while being painfully stabbed from the back the other nine. And over time, this has gotten me to my limit and I just can't bear it no more.

If I had never discovered hardcore music, I'd have had severe episodes of depression by now. Hell, I'd probably have given in to my suicidal thoughts long ago, or maybe recently who knows. Thankfully I got that music which takes the worst out of me and allows me to control the fire within me, within ten minutes or less it takes my depression and all the negative thoughts out of my body and the relief I feel is absolutely heavenly.

At least my health is coming back, at least I've made amends to it and I'm expecting news of how it's working. Physically I'm good, not at my prime like four months ago but close enough. In the last weeks I was using like three more holes for fastening my belt, and today I already started using just two. It's a bit heartbreaking to see how quick my weight can drop and how slowly it goes back up, but what's important here is that it's going back up and that must not change.

Right now I'm pretty nervous because I have to start the moving process really soon. I want to start off small by moving a bunch of my small things like clothes, boxes, and bags, but I never got around yet to finding someone who would help me drive back and forth. Then I'd worry about the bigger things when it gets closer to the day that I'm supposed to move.

The only problem is that I'm starting to run out of time because I might have less than a couple weeks left to move everything out, so I'm starting to worry a bit about that, plus I might have too much junk as it is so I have to start sorting stuff out when I get a chance as well.

But other than that, both school and work are going pretty well, it's just that that I'm having trouble with.