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05-09-25 12:21 PM

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Your death
let me know if i'm any good...
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generalspleen
03-14-13 02:27 AM
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generalspleen
03-14-13 05:12 PM
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Your death

 
Do you like it?
yes
 
100.0%, 1 vote
no
 
0.0%, 0 vote
could be better/needs work
 
0.0%, 0 vote
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03-14-13 02:27 AM
generalspleen is Offline
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| ID: 755291 | 176 Words

generalspleen
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Here is my second poem. Let me know what you think of it. Its called your death.

Blood splattered like a mosaic across the wall.
Gut wrenching screams echo from down the hall.
Officers asking questions of what I recall.
Your death has caused tears from heaven to fall.

Was life so bad that you had to run?
I wanted to save you but you grabbed a gun.
The battles you faced you could have won.
Trust me my friend, you weren't the only one.

The events that took place haunt me to this day.
I should have known that you were not ok.
But instead of helping I just pushed you away.
And now because of that my life is starting to decay.

"Why couldn't it be me!" I cried every night.
The darkness inside me has finally taken flight.
I can't keep going. I give up the fight.
Don't worry my friend. I shall be with you tonight.

I hope you all enjoyed it.


Thank you very much and have a blessed day
Here is my second poem. Let me know what you think of it. Its called your death.

Blood splattered like a mosaic across the wall.
Gut wrenching screams echo from down the hall.
Officers asking questions of what I recall.
Your death has caused tears from heaven to fall.

Was life so bad that you had to run?
I wanted to save you but you grabbed a gun.
The battles you faced you could have won.
Trust me my friend, you weren't the only one.

The events that took place haunt me to this day.
I should have known that you were not ok.
But instead of helping I just pushed you away.
And now because of that my life is starting to decay.

"Why couldn't it be me!" I cried every night.
The darkness inside me has finally taken flight.
I can't keep going. I give up the fight.
Don't worry my friend. I shall be with you tonight.

I hope you all enjoyed it.


Thank you very much and have a blessed day
Trusted Member
the god of cop chases


Affected by 'Laziness Syndrome'

Registered: 01-21-13
Location: Florida
Last Post: 3084 days
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03-14-13 06:54 AM
Hidden Phantom is Offline
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Hidden Phantom
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Well...I...have nothing to say...
Well...I...have nothing to say...
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The One and Only


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03-14-13 07:50 AM
generalspleen is Offline
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generalspleen
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Hidden Phantom : what do you mean??? Is it really that bad? 
Hidden Phantom : what do you mean??? Is it really that bad? 
Trusted Member
the god of cop chases


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03-14-13 08:41 AM
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Oh, nonono, it's actually pretty good.  It's just...really dark...
Oh, nonono, it's actually pretty good.  It's just...really dark...
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03-14-13 09:42 AM
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I like it X)
I like it X)
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03-14-13 10:14 AM
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I don't know how to vote here. It was well written, but...I didn't like that it ended the way it did. But you are talented.
I don't know how to vote here. It was well written, but...I didn't like that it ended the way it did. But you are talented.
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Eirinn


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03-14-13 11:39 AM
generalspleen is Offline
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generalspleen
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Hidden Phantom : Well thank you I know it's dark. It was for a contest I entered a while back. Sadly enough I did not win :'( I also have another poem I posted on here that might be better then this one. Here is the link: https://www.vizzed.com/boards/thread.php?id=55657 Let me know what you think on there as well.
gamingdude : Thank you What did you like about it exactly? Also I have another poem on here as well. You should read it too. It's the link in this post. Let me know what you think of that one as well.
Eirinn : To vote you just have to click on the option you want to cast your vote towards if I'm not mistaken. And thank you as well I honestly didn't think I was any good at this. I'm sorry about the ending. I thought it would be more interesting if the person who wanted to save their friend that killed himself would slowly go down the same path as the friend who died up until he couldn't take the pain anymore and kills himself from the guilt that he couldn't bare any longer. It seemed like a great way to end the poem. Also the same thing applies to you. Let me know what you think of my other poem.  Link is in this post.


Thank you very much and have a blessed day
Hidden Phantom : Well thank you I know it's dark. It was for a contest I entered a while back. Sadly enough I did not win :'( I also have another poem I posted on here that might be better then this one. Here is the link: https://www.vizzed.com/boards/thread.php?id=55657 Let me know what you think on there as well.
gamingdude : Thank you What did you like about it exactly? Also I have another poem on here as well. You should read it too. It's the link in this post. Let me know what you think of that one as well.
Eirinn : To vote you just have to click on the option you want to cast your vote towards if I'm not mistaken. And thank you as well I honestly didn't think I was any good at this. I'm sorry about the ending. I thought it would be more interesting if the person who wanted to save their friend that killed himself would slowly go down the same path as the friend who died up until he couldn't take the pain anymore and kills himself from the guilt that he couldn't bare any longer. It seemed like a great way to end the poem. Also the same thing applies to you. Let me know what you think of my other poem.  Link is in this post.


Thank you very much and have a blessed day
Trusted Member
the god of cop chases


Affected by 'Laziness Syndrome'

Registered: 01-21-13
Location: Florida
Last Post: 3084 days
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(edited by generalspleen on 03-14-13 11:46 AM)    

03-14-13 11:45 AM
gamingdude is Offline
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generalspleen : Well I love blood and stuff like that so this was very amusing to read, good job.
generalspleen : Well I love blood and stuff like that so this was very amusing to read, good job.
Member
Gotta catch em' all.


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03-14-13 11:47 AM
Eirinn is Offline
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Oh yeah, I know how to cast the vote, I just don't know which one to vote for. You did do an excellent job though. And you're welcome. Hopefully you share some more in the future.
Oh yeah, I know how to cast the vote, I just don't know which one to vote for. You did do an excellent job though. And you're welcome. Hopefully you share some more in the future.
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Eirinn


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03-14-13 11:49 AM
generalspleen is Offline
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generalspleen
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gamingdude : Thank you I'm glad I could make you happy. By chance did you happen to check out my other poem yet?
gamingdude : Thank you I'm glad I could make you happy. By chance did you happen to check out my other poem yet?
Trusted Member
the god of cop chases


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03-14-13 11:51 AM
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generalspleen: No i actually did not see your other poem yet...where can i find it?
generalspleen: No i actually did not see your other poem yet...where can i find it?
Member
Gotta catch em' all.


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(edited by gamingdude on 03-14-13 11:51 AM)    

03-14-13 11:56 AM
generalspleen is Offline
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generalspleen
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gamingdude : here is the link: https://www.vizzed.com/boards/thread.php?id=55657
Eirinn : You should check it out as well.


Thank you very much and have a blessed day
gamingdude : here is the link: https://www.vizzed.com/boards/thread.php?id=55657
Eirinn : You should check it out as well.


Thank you very much and have a blessed day
Trusted Member
the god of cop chases


Affected by 'Laziness Syndrome'

Registered: 01-21-13
Location: Florida
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03-14-13 12:06 PM
gamingdude is Offline
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Gotta catch em' all.


Affected by 'Laziness Syndrome'

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(edited by gamingdude on 03-14-13 12:09 PM)    

03-14-13 03:03 PM
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generalspleen
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Hidden Phantom :
gamingdude :
You both should check out my other work. I've posted a bunch of my stuff over the past hour or so and I was hoping to get your opinions on them. And do you guys think you can share my work the vizzed community? If you can that would be most appreciated. Here are the links my other poems. Link one:  https://www.vizzed.com/boards/thread.php?id=55666   Link two: https://www.vizzed.com/boards/thread.php?id=55657   Link three: https://www.vizzed.com/boards/thread.php?id=55671   Link four: https://www.vizzed.com/boards/thread.php?id=55673   Link five: https://www.vizzed.com/boards/thread.php?id=55669 I hope you guys enjoy them. let me know what you think of them. Thanks guys.


Thank you very much and have a blessed day
Hidden Phantom :
gamingdude :
You both should check out my other work. I've posted a bunch of my stuff over the past hour or so and I was hoping to get your opinions on them. And do you guys think you can share my work the vizzed community? If you can that would be most appreciated. Here are the links my other poems. Link one:  https://www.vizzed.com/boards/thread.php?id=55666   Link two: https://www.vizzed.com/boards/thread.php?id=55657   Link three: https://www.vizzed.com/boards/thread.php?id=55671   Link four: https://www.vizzed.com/boards/thread.php?id=55673   Link five: https://www.vizzed.com/boards/thread.php?id=55669 I hope you guys enjoy them. let me know what you think of them. Thanks guys.


Thank you very much and have a blessed day
Trusted Member
the god of cop chases


Affected by 'Laziness Syndrome'

Registered: 01-21-13
Location: Florida
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03-14-13 04:59 PM
xXBad-InfluenceXx is Offline
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Woa, that's pretty good. I could actually picture it all, which is rare for me in poems. Not sure if it's due to depression or not but good job!
Woa, that's pretty good. I could actually picture it all, which is rare for me in poems. Not sure if it's due to depression or not but good job!
Member
I will bite you.


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03-14-13 05:12 PM
generalspleen is Offline
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generalspleen
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xXBad-InfluenceXx : thank you very much My goal was to try and have the reader paint a mental picture of it. I'm glad I was able to do that. You should read my other poems and comment on those as well. They are in the post above yours. Do you think you could also tell people in the vizzed community to check out my work? I would really appreciate it.


Thank you very much and have a blessed day
xXBad-InfluenceXx : thank you very much My goal was to try and have the reader paint a mental picture of it. I'm glad I was able to do that. You should read my other poems and comment on those as well. They are in the post above yours. Do you think you could also tell people in the vizzed community to check out my work? I would really appreciate it.


Thank you very much and have a blessed day
Trusted Member
the god of cop chases


Affected by 'Laziness Syndrome'

Registered: 01-21-13
Location: Florida
Last Post: 3084 days
Last Active: 1663 days

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