Oy, that's a interesting situation. I think that instead of making fun of him, you should have just showed, without words, that you weren't friends. If this is a habit, then I'd say you'd be considered a bad person. No one likes a bully except a bully. Anyway, I think that you did play a part in his life, and I don't think it was good. I think he was feeling left out and shunned, and found a place where he thought he could make friends. I would guess that, from his point of view, he felt like the school thought he was dumb, and didn't want to feel that way anymore. From my point of view, I think that your role was big in his life, and you guys were probably the only things keeping him there in the first place. I know 3 mentally disabled kids, who all consider me a friend. I don't pick on them, but I do let them know when I'd like to spend time with just my other friends. Since I talk to them alot, they usually don't mind. I (hopefully) would have just tolerated him and maybe even set some times to talk to him, so he wouldn't feel left out or shunned. Anyway, look at me ramble! If I were you, I'd feel bad. Honestly, it looks to me like you and your friends were the reason he left, and that would nag at me. Anyway, I hope this was what you were looking for. If I were you, I'd find a way to make it right with him. I'm not saying that you have to be best buds or anything, just don't make him feel sub-par. Disabled kids need to be affirmed as much or more than us.

mrfe : Good post overall.

You do have a valid point about the mentally disabled being needed to affirm. I guess I was hoping that he would pick up on the signs that we weren't friends, but yes I think I could have done a better more polite way of saying that we weren't friends.

As to your comment about maybe making right. I should do that, but it would be tricky as I don't know where he lives or is currently.

I know. It's a difficult scenario, and one that won't be easy to solve. Does he have a Facebook? Is there anyway to connect with him? Will your school give you an email address? He is disabled, so he could miss those signs pretty easily. I can see why you guys did that, especially if he just couldn't stay away. I hope you can resolve this, for his sake as much as yours.

I definitely would say that you became part of the problem. By joining in on the insults/mocking, you indeed became one of the bullies, regardless of the reasons behind it. I can't say how significant of a factor you were in making his life more difficult, but you undeniably had a hand in his misery. Sorry if I'm putting this a bit bluntly.

I never believed in the excuse "oh, he was annoying". That doesn't make it right to pick on someone. I've met lots of annoying people that I didn't like. You know what I did? I ignored them. They eventually get the message. Sure, even ignoring them might make them feel bad... but nowhere near as crushing as if you start insulting them. It's also doubly hard on a person to hear people they considered friends to suddenly turn on them and become bullies. It's basically like getting stabbed in the back.

Also, you have to think about the fact that he had a disability as you said. A lot of those grievances you had with him could have been caused by that. You can't say for sure that he was doing these things on purpose. There's a fair chance he couldn't help it and maybe didn't even realize. It would have been worth a shot to at least try and politely explain what he was doing that irritated you to see if he could at least acknowledge it and make an attempt to correct the behavior. Without knowing the actual disorder he had (or extremity of it), I can't really weigh in on what that effected as far as his behavioral patterns, though. I did once know a guy with mild autism who had some irritating habits. I was pretty straightforward in telling him what I would have preferred he stopped doing. He admitted that it was a problem and he said he really badly wanted to change it but he kept falling back into the habit. I at least appreciated that he was actively trying and found him less annoying as a result.

That's my 2 cents anyway. Sorry if it's a long read >.>

Well, what you went through sounds a lot like what my family and my little brother went through.  My little brother has pervasive personality disorder, and we believe he also has a mild form of autism.  Because of it, most people find him very irritating.  For example, he talks to people non-stop even though they won't be listening to him or responding to a single word he says. He might as well be talking to a wall, because that's the way some of our family members treat him when he begins talking.  He also has the tendency to interrupt EVERYONE after only a few moments of them  talking.. and usually in a yelling tone of voice.  Too boot, most of his conversation is pretty senseless.  If he talks about something like 'the sky is purple', it doesn't matter HOW much evidence someone provides him to the contrary; he will argue in support of his own 'out there' ideas to the point of insanity.  He'll make of fact, insist that they are true, and annoy everyone around him.  Most of his conversations are also very obsessive.  He almost always talks about the same two topics: computers and cars.

He throws tantrums (yes, even in public), doesn't understand the concept of money at all, and is easily angered.  He's 16 years old, probably a little over 6 feet tall, and has super strength.  He also doesn't pronounce his 'L' sounds.... ever.  He talks as though his nose is always stuffed and breathes through his mouth because there is something wrong with his nasal passages.

My siblings were never understanding of it.  Part of the problem was that my mother wanted to deny anything was wrong with him.  It was actually only recently that he was diagnosed, and that was due to an incident beyond my parent's control.  However, my siblings were always VERY rude with him, and they did whatever they could to either ignore him or annoy him.  I was the exception, but I probably had my moments of not being nice.  His classmates were even meaner to him, not having the 'family' obligation to at least tolerate him.  However, my brother seemed to think everyone was his friend, often talking about the boys at school (even some of the ones that poked fun at him) as though they held friendly conversations with him all the time.

The thing is, we never thought he understood the horrible insults people on the bus and at school would throw him.  It would anger us that people could be so heartless, but we never said anything to anyone because we didn't want our brother to understand what they were saying, and thought we could prevent any emotional pain he would have to face at the realization of what their words meant.

Imagine our shock a few years ago when he came home crying. "I don't have any friends," is what he kept weeping over and over again.  It nearly broke our hearts.  All those years, and we had no idea he understood the slaps thrown his way.  We found out, later, that he had been physically bullied.  Upon closer inspection, we found out that he had in turn bullied another kid.  It was the only way he felt he could make some sort of stance for himself, and it was how he dealt out his own frustration.  That being said, he didn't physically bully the kid, but he did so verbally.

I still can't tell you how heart-wrenching it was to realize he understood all those insults.  Just thinking of him crying and hearing those words in my head makes me want to cry again.  I was always the more understanding sibling.  I told my other siblings, like what Crazy Li said, to ignore him if he was trying to annoy them.  I told them that instead of being rude to him, they should try to help him improve.  For example, whenever he called out to me he would say my name with 'w' sounds instead of 'l' sounds.  I would not respond until he was frustrated, and I would calmly say "My name is not [insert name with 'w' sounds]".  When he took the effort to say my name properly, then I would respond to him and the conversation would continue.  I think and hope that he appreciates I was the one who showed him patience, and because of it, I have the closest relationship to him of all my siblings.  He still has a lot of his bad habits, but he makes a greater effort with me to avoid them.

I'm sorry that I kind of went off on a tangent, but I thought a more personal perspective might help you evaluate your own.  I hate to say this, but your treatment of the kid probably affected him far more than you realize.  My brother's very own family members were blind to his turmoil.  I think the best you can do is possibly get in touch with him, even if you just want to send one letter of apology.  Even if you weren't the factor in him going to a new school, I'm sure he would appreciate the thought.  It can be hard to deal with people like my brother and your old classmate, so I understand why you and your friends behaved that way.  However, you were also younger then and you've matured.  Sometimes it just takes a little age and maturing to see things we couldn't before.

Oldschool41 : Well I can kind of see both sides of this to be honest. I know what it feels like to be picked on and to be the odd man out so to speak but, I also know what it feels like to be in a group of friends and act a certain way and then end up feeling really bad years later.

Without going into too much detail during my teen years my parents were separated and as a result of that I was pretty much put in the middle of it. When I wasn’t in school odds are I was trying to play peacemaker between them. This went on for most of my teen years. Prior to high school I was someone who was generally liked, hardly ever missed school unless I was sick or had a doctor’s appointment and was mostly content. When I got into high school that all changed. I hung out with people that now years later looking back I wish I never met let alone hung out with. What made it worse was I became a BS’er to a degree. I guess the reason I did that was because I didn’t want people to know what I was going through with my family and such. It also didn’t help that the people who were good for me I more or less ended up pushing away.

I ended up doing and saying things that simply are not who I am as a person a lot of which I can’t really remember. Peer pressure and the stress of everything that I was going through at home eventually led to me changing schools and eventually dropping out completely. Although things eventually worked out with my parents I really didn’t start to straighten myself out until I was in my early 20’s. I’m still working at picking myself up from that period of my life. I have a lot of regret from that part of my life and often say I wish I could go back to that period of my life but with the mind that I have now and redo everything. Things would be different if I were given that chance that’s for sure.

For a real long time I held a lot of anger toward certain people I hung out with that I trusted for things that went on. As I have gotten older I have realized that it isn’t good to be angry at other people. The one I really place the blame on everything for is myself. I hold anger on myself but that’s a different issue.

I do regret the way I was back then because when you really get down to it I was a hurt kid who’s world was flipped upside down. I make no excuses though I was inauthentic, arrogant and was rude to some people. Looking back on it that is something that I also wish that I could change because as I said the person I was back then was not before and is not the person I am now. It wasn’t who I really am and it does bother me that I was that way for several years.

I often ask myself the same question of am I a bad person? Does anyone have any resentment toward me and such? I don’t have the answers to those questions but I will say that everyone regardless whether they admit it or not goes through rough periods in life where they don’t use their minds the way they should. Everyone has things in life where they wish they could have a do over with. In my case I have several things. I don’t know whether or not you were a part of what made this kid leave school. You need to remember you were a kid as well. It isn’t easy and some people don’t mature simply because their chronological age. For some it doesn’t happen until their well into adulthood. In my case I’m grateful that I got my wake-up call while I was still in my 20’s even though as I said I have my share of regrets. I hope that one day I will finally be able to put that period of my life behind me and be able to enjoy life more while helping others, even if it’s by merely listening to people and offering advice if need be.

I don’t think you’re a bad person. Everyone makes mistakes and does things they wish they can take back later on. We’re all human and for those who realize their mistakes it can be part of the maturing process. As for me I don’t hold any anger any more toward others and have forgiven those who have reached out to me in the years since. At the same time I don’t reach out to too many people because I do feel bad about how I was back then and I am a reclusive person by nature. I do pray though that no one has any anger toward me and I really hope no one does because if they saw the person I have become it is my hope that they’d realize that the person they knew was young, dumb, naïve, and was simply in a bad place in his life. I am nothing like I was back then.

My suggestion is if you happen to come across this kid in the future just be honest with him and tell him of your regrets and ask for forgiveness. I have had to do that a couple of times and it’s not an easy thing to do but you will probably feel better to get it off your chest. It doesn’t make you a bad person to say look I feel bad for the way things were and I’m sorry please forgive me. It would be bad if you didn’t feel bad. Sadly some people don’t grow up and don’t realize those things and some end up thinking they know it all. I like to think of those who are like that as big kids because like I said it isn’t your chronological age that matures you. It’s the stuff that you go through in the time that will mature you if you let it.

I also think that what may have led to this kid dropping out, much like myself had to do with other things not just what was going on in school and peer pressure. In my case I was not thinking straight and just got fed up with school but it had to do more with what I was going through outside of school then the nonsense I dealt with in school. Either way I don’t think you were the soul reason and you shouldn’t think otherwise. People go through things and sometimes it's harder to handle for some than it is for others. I know that I had a real hard time handling things back then. I hope that I have given you a little perspective. If you need someone to talk to please don’t hesitate to ask.

Best of luck to you.

I suggest apologizing to him or her insulting disabled people is not a nice thing to do but there are a ton of other things you can do this is just the most obvious one out there

I know how you feel. There used to be a kid on my bus, and lots of the kids were picking on him just because he had a disability. One day, he had nowhere to sit, and I let him sit with me. Halfway through the bus ride, he asked if I wanted to come over his house sometime. I didn't know what to do, so to avoid being a jerk, I just said "Sure". We never did actually make plans or anything, but I barely even knew him in the first place. But still, I think you handled it the wrong way. Instead of being mean to him, you could have just tried to explain it to him. If not, you could just deal with it. Being a jerk was not the correct way to go, at least in my opinion.

bvd1022 : Good post. I think I agree with you. That he left the school because of the whole situation, not just me and my friends being a jerk to him. But that once we started insulting him, it was how they say "the final piece of straw that broke the camel's back".



Singelli: This was actually 2-3 years ago. So my maturity was about the same, maybe slightly better as I became more independent. But a good post overall.

Oldschool41 :  I do agree that it wasn't entirely your fault that he left.  And we can't even say it was for certain that you had any role in it at all. His family may have just moved into a new house for all we know.

That being said, you'd be surprised how much maturing happens in 2 to 3 years.  I think you've probably mature more than you think you have.

Oldschool41 : Like I said it is part of the maturing process. I know speaking for myself that I have a totally different head on my shoulders as I’m pushing 30 than I did as a teenager. I just wish that it didn’t take the things that it took to get me to wake up and realize that I had to straighten myself out. The things that bother me most now of days are my regrets and not really being able to remember a lot of what I went through.

In regard to this kid I really do think that there was more to it than you know. From experience I know that I gradually became more and more reclusive as the years went on. I gradually went from being a BS’er to being honest after I got my wake up call but at the same time I keep to myself and unless someone asks me something I don’t volunteer it. As I said before I held a lot of anger toward people who I thought I could trust but I have mellowed a bit over the years in realizing that I may have anger toward myself but it isn’t worth it to have anger toward other people no matter how justified you might feel. In saying this I will admit that I have gotten angry and bitter over the years with regard to certain people but I just think it’s all part of a process and it’s certainly a part of human nature to be angry initially. I throw no stones I’m sure there are some who I wasn’t good to in my teens who want nothing to do with me.

Like I said before it is my hope that those who knew me back then will realize that I was a hurt kid back then who did not have his head on straight and was simply in a bad place in his life. As for the anger I hold on myself that is a different issue.

Being a teenager isn’t easy especially if you’re disabled. I really think that this kid may have been going through things outside of school and probably the stress of everything combined got to him. It’s understandable and I’ve been there. Just remember what I suggested. If you happen to come across this kid at some time in the future I would just be honest and humble. Tell him of your regrets and ask for forgiveness. Remember you were a kid too and everyone makes mistakes.

Singelli : His family didn't move recently I will say that about the family part. How do I but this...

His family situation is....quite depressing from what I've heard. Again I'm not 100% if it was true or not, but I guess I could see why it would be true. That's about as far as I'm going to say about his family life as don't know the whole situation so I'm not going to speculate.

Overall guys this has been really helpful. And I feel slightly better now that I got this off my chest.

Oldschool41 : i don't know this is a hard to awnser uestion yes and no.I mean you should because your probably right, but if acted like a 3 year old who didnt listen and it was he's way or the highway then maybe no.

kingvictory : It pretty much was. I'll describe a common situation that when he got like this.

So he doesn't like being told to do something that he doesn't want to do. Now me and my friends pointed out for him that he is going to have too do stuff in life that he's not going to like too do (like college and work). Now he says that he gets what we mean, but time and time again we see that he still refuses to do stuff he doesn't want to do.

Eventually it got to the point that we started to become angry with the fact that he was refusing to take our advice, as we all thought that our adivce was sound and just. Don't get me wrong, we were very worried about what could happen if he didn't get his act together; but he kept brushing us off.

Oldschool41 : You’re welcome. I also know what it feels like to get frustrated when you try to help a friend and they want the help yet won’t heed your advice at the same time. It’s very frustrating I’ve been there. The one thing that I try to get across to the friends who I try to help is that I am not there to judge them. I am a man who admits he has flaws and is far from perfect. At the same time I try to give them a bit of perspective on things and hope that they see a way to turn themselves around.

It can be very frustrating and has been very demoralizing at times because although I admit I’m no saint and have made more than my share of mistakes, I have tried as best as I can to learn from it and become a better person. It is demoralizing from the standpoint of you really do everything you can to help someone you care about but sometimes no matter what you do it won’t get through to the person you’re trying to help.

It is one thing that has made me increasingly reclusive in recent years. I’m still polite and will be accessible to friends who reach out to me but at the same time I really value my privacy and try as best as I can to keep my stress at a minimum. Basically when things are normal I spend a lot of time working on material and doing stuff on the social networks as per my responsibilities and such. In the last several months I haven’t worked that much so I have been sporadic with my activity on social media, (Excluding Vizzed). It gets to the point sometimes where people will write to me or contact me somehow asking if I’m okay because they don’t see me being as active as I am when things are normal.

Sometimes I wish I could as they say crawl into a cave and be done with things. Maybe it’s one reason why I’m a writer, I’ve heard that some of the best writers were or are reclusive in some ways. I don’t have as much of a negative opinion of social media as I use to because I micro manage what I do and as I said have straightened myself out so that helps. When I’m not active though I just keep to myself unless something is going on that I have to keep an eye on. In regard to giving friends advice I’ll give it if someone asks for it or asks me for my opinion on something but I just try to keep to myself now of days.

Although it is frustrating when someone you’re trying to help doesn’t listen to you, one thing I try to remember is something my mother has said since I was a kid. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make em drink it. I do worry about the friends that I have tried to help over the years who didn’t listen to me but I have come to realize that it’s out of my hands. I do pray though that eventually they’ll get it.