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Page Staff: EX Palen, SonicOlmstead,
08-20-19 07:37 PM

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My Birthday
Warning: Rambling and Confession?
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05-04-19 06:14 PM
EX Palen
05-05-19 06:33 AM

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My Birthday


05-04-19 06:14 PM
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So I know most people make birthday threads for other people. Well, I'm here to make one for myself.

Well, not necessarily.

I'm more so here to talk about how this has been legitimately the best birthday

So this all started Thursday morning. I woke up, we were going to look at a house since we have been considering moving for the past month and this was the last place we were going to try.

And to give a little more back story to what I'm about to merge onto, I knew for maybe... 2 weeks ahead of time that my boyfriend's grandfather was going out four wheeling, so my boyfriend offered to stay at his other grandparents house (Since he lives between the two) with his grandmother while his grandfather was out for however long doing this.

Anyways. I'm just about to leave to go see this house with my parents and my boyfriends like "We gotta talk. Now" so I tell him I can listen but I'm going to have to message him my responses since I was in the car. Well, long story short, his grandfather never really said where he was going four-wheeling, but turns out its about 25 miles away from my house. I start freaking. out. I mean, really freaking out. Its sort of one of those things like "Yeah, ill meet you one day" but never in my whole life did I even slightly expect this.

So before he talked to me all about this, we was trying to figure out what he had to do so he could come with his grandfather instead of staying behind. Needless to say these plans were made in less than 12 hours. I found out at 11 pm and it was official he was coming at around 6 pm.

Now if you were to ever ask me "Hey, what do you for you birthday" I'd probably lie and say just give me money. Because at least then I could get myself something later or make bills a little easier on myself, but what I've truly wanted for the past 5 years of dating (My ex for 3 1/2 years and my current boyfriend for 1 1/2) was just a day with my SO. And I always get my hopes up a little every year and get disappointed when I cant have it.

The last 28 hours(ish) has been the happiest I've been in a very very long time. I almost want to say happier then when i started dating him. I've felt so calm and there have been so many times I've wanted to cry from happiness. Because all I would think is "This is him. He's right here." and Id just tear up, leaning up on his shoulder in the car and just feeling his hand and fingers.

We got together around 9 am yesterday and we spent the entire day together. Now, since this was so sudden I had a doctors appointment and job interview that I had to go to. My doctors appointment ill get to later since I have something else to ramble about.

We had breakfast, I was so nervous. I normally don't like people watching me eat other then my parents since they've been around me for my entire life. And between that and just the initial nervousness of meeting him for the first time in the nearly 3 years we've been friends and year and a half we've been together. After breakfast we just sort of. Got more comfortable and got over that initial nervousness.

Afterwards we went to my appointment, which we had to rush out of the office to get home since they were dropping off a dumpster to clean out the house on short notice and we had to be there to give our landlords money to pay for it. We also switched from my mothers car to my car. I think at this point I just became inseparable from him.

Once we left from there, it was on to my interview at 2 pm. I got to say, the easiest interview I probably will ever be on. I knew the manager from my father working for the same company, just in different parts of the company. We hung out there for an hour maybe, just eating and talking.

We left from there and went to the movies. My parents went to see pet cemetery while we went to see the new avengers movie. Now, i might get hate from this, but I literally have watch only the iron man and spider man movies to even somewhat understand anything. But to be fair, I wasn't going to the movie to really watch it, just more so to focus on him. Plus, there wasn't really anything else interesting that we could watch and he's watch more movies then I have.

It was so hard leaving him for the night, but I guess his grandfather had planned on going out a little bit the next morning before they left back for home. So we made a plan to come back tomorrow. It wasn't goodbye forever but I hate goodbyes and I just knew I'd miss everything about him.

So fast forward me laying in bed, not sleeping for the second night in a row and just laying with my eyes closed. I was so happy to see him again in the morning and couldn't wait to just kiss him and hold his hand. We hung out for an hour or so before the local amusement part "opened" (I say this because none of the rides were operational, but you could walk around)

Now lemme tell you, between all the pokemon games I've owned, I feel like I've caught at least one shiny on all of them. Now saying this, Pokemon Lets go Eevee in the new "Adaption" to the pokemon series. I've played this game maybe 2-3 times, I haven't gotten far. While not being a main game, you can still catch shinnies. Kid you not, I set up my switch so we could play for that period of time while we waited, and a shiny zubat appeared. Now, of course we both freak out at the same time and we catch it together. It is now named Baybat.

So when we get there, we walk around for almost the entire time since I told my mother they opened at 10, but I kept tell her it was 12. You can guess who was right. Which was really unfortunate because he had to get starting home at noon. But good thing we had texted his grandfather to try and push it back a little bit so we could ride a roller coaster together (The first one he's ever been on) before going to the place to say our final goodbyes.

It was really funny because a lot of the time we were walking around, we were singing, goofing off or he was trying to do some impression of a video game character. It was so much fun just walking and talking with him.

I had gotten a lot of my sorrow towards him leaving out yesterday, so I was trying to be really strong on him leaving me. He was just so sad. I ended up breaking down after he left. It hurts to know hes not physically here with me anymore but I just feel so happy I got to be with him as long as I did. I got all I ever could wish for.

Now since I think I'm done with the day I've had, its time to explain that doctors appointment. So. This is going to be somewhat of a confession. And it isn't even what I originally went to the doctors for.

So I had a GYN appointment for me being "Irregular". Ill just leave it at that. Now. I've only gone to this one, id say company, of hospitals/clinics and every time they've had me take a depression survey. And for ever since I can remember of taking these surveys, I've lied on every single one of them. It wasn't until recently that I've come to realize and accept that I might have depression. And for a very long time. I for the very first time answered it truthfully since I had made an appointment with my primary at the end of the month to talk about getting a psychiatrist and maybe a therapist. Now after completing the survey in as close to honesty as I could, I scored a 20. Now for them, that is a sign for severe depression.

Now before anyone comments "Aww, I'm so sorry!" I really don't want the attention. Which is why I have tried to maintain this to just close friends of mine, as well as I've for most of my past, tried to not called it depression since I am neither diagnosed with clinical depression nor do I feel like I deserve to call it such since others have so many worse problems then I do. And then you might think "Why is she making this public then?" the answer is... I don't really know why. Maybe its because for once in my life I feel like I'm in my own mind. I don't feel that near constant feeling of a fog or me drowning. Or just knowing it's coming. While I know this doesn't mean anything but a survey, I know its a step in the right direction to figuring out whats going on with me.

I just feel so lucky right now.

I feel like I can breathe without bad thoughts weighing on my mind.

Like he is the one I want to be with for the rest of my life. Not that I wasn't sure of this before, But I feel this so strongly now.

Thank you for listening in to my ramblings on my birthday.

SonicOlmstead : <3

PS, Im still 17 in my mind lol
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05-05-19 06:33 AM
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I totally feel you there. I always find it very special to have someone besides me, even when we do nothing besides just random chatting. The feeling of not being alone, to have someone giving you warmth... Very few people can really appreciate how unique a simple thing like sharing time can be.

Any kind of test, be it medical or psychological, gives only relative results. Me and a friend of mine know it by experience. We live normally, even with more plenitude than others around us, yet our doctors freak out whenever seeing our tests because we're like half dead xD.

It all comes down to how you feel. True is that if the tests show negative results then you're living on the edge, with the risk of falling down if whatever sustains you emotionally loses intensity. But sometimes it's a risk worth taking, because if you feel good it will all eventually start to pick up without you realizing it.

I'm glad to hear you finally took the step not only to answer honestly, but to talk about it in the open. Accepting yourself, even the worst parts of yourself, is the first step to really solve the troubles you're going through. It gives you the strength to keep moving forward and to actually change yourself for the better.

I hope to hear more good news from you in the future!
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